I went to bed, and had horrific dreams.
I dreamt I was sitting in my bed, in a room that was very familiar to me, but wasn't in real life. I was staring at something very familiar on the wall, that I had stared at many times before. As I stared, I heard hysterical cries that Rachel had lost her mind and had to be taken to the hospital. There were sirens. As I sat in the hospital, a lady came and told me I needed to take medication. I told her I was worried about the medication's side effects. She said it didn't matter because I had no soul. As I sat there, cheesy music played over a loud speaker.
I dreamt about the time I went to visit my grandpa in the hospital when I was 13. I fainted, and fell down and hit my head. I dreamt that when I hit my head, it shook my soul loose and it left my body. There were little cracks all over my skull because of it. Little, itty bitty cracks. I stood up, and I was a soulless person without a face, with cracks in my skull. It was scary as all hell.
I dreamt I was lying in a sleeping bag, under the stars. When I rolled over, birds flew out of my sleeping bag.
I dreamt I was in a medical room, like a relief shelter during a hurricane. I was told no matter what I do, don't look at myself in the eyes, if I come across a mirror. I was crawling on the floor. As I crawled, there were mirrors everywhere, and I was looking at my face. My eyes were shaking a little bit.
I awoke, startled by all these bad dreams. I had that cheesy song from the clinic stuck in my head.
We were doing soul work on you. You might not want to sleep the rest of the night here, you left the energy of the bad dreams on the couch. We will explain the dreams to you. The one where you fell down, if you shake your head with a certain frequency, it is possible for your soul to become detached from your body. Never has happened, probably never will.
What would happen if it did?
People would notice. You would act brain dead. You'd be able to move around and speak a little bit, but not be able to do much of anything besides breathe.
The one where you are crawling on the floor is about having delusions. We knew that if you knew the truth during that period of time, you would be absolutely devastated. We hated that more than most any part of anything we had to do, except one thing.
What's that?
The time we had to put you on that low, low spiritual plane, before you went on Adderall in the 8th grade. We put you on a very dull and dreary spiritual plane, so that you would be bored and hungry all the time.
That's horrible! Why?
You needed to be addicted to Adderall, to prove a point to the world about prescription drug addiction. We kept you on that plane through out high school. When you went off to college, we moved you to a higher spiritual plane that feels very spiritual and whimsical.
That was a great one!
We moved you to another even more whimsical one when you read about Brandon's dream, and an even crazier one when you became delirious. After that, we moved you to a merely okay one. When you were in Santa Barbara, we moved you back to the depressing one. We wanted you out of there. It wasn't a mistake, we just didn't want you at that program. The best plane we had you on was in early 2011, remember that?
I remembered when I was dedicated to publishing my memoir. I was happy as hell for no reason at all!
Yes, that was a fun one, wasn't it?
Yes, anyway. What were the birds in my sleeping bag about?
Those are birds in spiritual folklore. They dwell around those of wandering spiritual paths.
Cute.
I still had that cheesy song stuck in my head. I was still a little terrified, remembering the dreams. I remembered the figure with cracks all over his skull. Thinking about it scared the crap out of me. And the thing with the medical clinic made me feel depressed about my own life.
It's like a song from a commercial, I said. I don't know the name of the song. It's not a song from Earth plane, it's a song from the other side, Alfred said. You remember it from being on the other side. We all hate the person who wrote it, because it's a catchy song with very cheesy, negative emotional connotations.
Vaguely, I started thinking of another song, not similar emotional connotations, but similarly strong emotional connotations in the state I was in. It was called Kids by MGMT.
I hate that song, I said.
We hate that song too.
It has interesting emotional connotations, though. What does it mean to you?
It reminds us of something on other planes. Burial places of fallen war heroes. Some souls like that song, some don't, in the spirit world. It's very individual whether they like that particular energy or not, that particular emotion.
I like it, said Alfred.
As the days past, Alfred would say words and I would slip into a trance. Then, I would start going on and on about how wonderful he was. He would ask me subconsciously how I felt about him. When it was all said and done, I wanted nothing more than to remain one with the people who cared about me, which were my guides. Those were the people who cared about me.
Alfred, where do you want to go for dinner? I asked Alfred one night, as I was leaving for my friend's house.
Let's have the Cheesecake Factory, little girl, Alfred said.
We went to the mall, and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. As we were sitting there, I was talking to myself and laughing. A large woman stared at me from across the benches. She smiled. I looked at her and stared. Then, we left.
Afterwards, we decided to have frozen yogurt. At the frozen yogurt restaurant, I was standing there, talking to myself about spells and the mission. When I turned around, there was a funny looking lady looking at me with a quizzical expression on her face. I stared her down hard, was about to ask her what her problem was, and smear mud on her forehead, when she turned and quickly walked away.
God dammit! I said. I don't want people making me feel like I'm crazy! I am not crazy! This is a real mission! She doesn't know that! Why did she stare at me so?
She didn't send you any kind of energy, Salioness. Normally, if she had thought it was a bad thing, she would have sent you bad energy. But she did not. She didn't send you any energy.
Did she say anything to me on the spiritual plane?
No, not at all. She didn't call out to you, either.
God dammit, if I could do something about that lady, I would. And I wanted to. I wanted to redirect my attention on to her, to show her just how attentive I was. I knew crazy people. I knew them way too well. I knew when they start talking to themselves, in their own worlds, in their own minds, they cannot redirect their attention on to the surrounding world for very long at all. I knew this, I didn't know if other people knew this. That's why, when I caught people looking at me funny because I was talking to myself, I would stare them down hard, and say hello exuberantly. To let them know I was sane as a wild horse.
I fumed about this lady for a long time afterwards. Other than that, I noticed people looking at me, even when I wasn't talking to myself. They would look at me for an extended period of time, longer than normal. My guides said it was my aura. It was glowing and pretty. They picked up on it subconsciously.
The next day, it was time to go to the psychiatrist's. We went, and sat and spoke effervescently with the psychiatrist. I had told him that I channeled. He seemed to believe me, but I wasn't sure. I didn't want to ask, for fear he would say he did not.
When I asked for a reduced Invega dose, he repeated what he always said. We were doing good on this dose. We didn't want to meddle. Meddling was bad. I always thought if I went in, and it appeared I was doing well, he would reduce the dose. But really, I needed to appear overly sedated, overly drugged, and a little bit too mellow. Then again, if I did that, he might think I was about to slip into psychosis. So it was a tricky balance.
He read my aura, like he did sometimes, when I remembered to ask. He said it was glowing with a halo, like one of the Hindu gods. He didn't know what the colors meant, but he knew it looked good. That's how he knew I was doing good. My aura was a halo.
At home, I walked around the house and danced. It was hard, because my energy was dwindling on this dose of Invega. I wanted to lose weight, but I could not because I ate all the time, even when I didn't want to. Not because I wanted to, but because my guides told me to. They said it was absolutely essential on this plane to get enough nutrients.
When it was time for bed, I went to bed and slept, without sleep meds. I dreamed I was walking through a house, and touching the objects. They would become very small when I touched them. My guides told me it was a sign that I was becoming a magic worker.
When it was time to wake up, I would get up and drink coffee immediately. Coffee gave me a high only Adderall could top. I got a little happy after a cup, but it wasn't a big deal. I was happy without the Adderall, anyway, just not high on life. I didn't think it was a big deal that I didn't get my Adderall in the morning. Whenever I wondered, what if I went back on Adderall? I would sit and think about how wonderful I felt now, just being off it. How relaxed my central nervous system was, how easy it felt to be off that shit when normally I felt like crap when I wasn't high on it. Then, something else happened. I became out of whack because I drank too much coffee. I had to simmer down my coffee drinking, otherwise I would feel sick. So I would still drink the same amount of coffee, just deal with feeling sick. After a couple hours, I would walk to the Quickee Mart and buy an energy drink, if I had money. Which I always did, because if I didn't have enough, I would snatch some from my mom. She did not notice anymore because I didn't do it as much as I used to. My guides said it was bad karma, but worth it, because without the energy drink I would have to drink my weight in coffee, which would make me feel sick because of the high acid content. Another thing about the energy drinks was, they had taurine, which was a good psychostimulant. I enjoyed the taurine so much, I called energy drinks the new Adderall.
When I woke up every morning, I was excited to get up and start my day. Erik would talk to me online, and I would tell him about things that were going on with me. Now, though, I had to hold back a little bit, because I was worried even he would think some of the stuff I talked about was crazy, or contradicted things he learned in Scientology.
I was out and about one day, when L Ron Hubbard called out to me. He told me not to let Erik push Scientology on everyone, it was a good practice, but not for most people.
When I got home that day, Erik spoke to me online about my recent spirit invasion. I told him how I had to say to a whole bunch of them, “Fly away home!” or “Fuck off, sweetums.” He said it was probably not the best way to get rid of them, but if it did the job, it did the job.
My guides told me not to worry about my body right now, if it came down to it, they would put me in a funny state before the guardianship trial, that would make the weight melt off. Until then, you had to keep eating, eating, eating. Always eating. I didn't get sick of eating though, because I liked feeling like my body needed lots of attention. It made me feel like I was well-oiled machine.
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