Where do you go for dinner? Alfred asked me.
To the kitchen, I said, funnily.
Then go! GO!!! Alfred screamed in my ear because I was hungry, but too anxious to eat dinner because I was worried about my brain waves.
What's wrong with your brain, Rachel? Alfred asked me.
Funny things are happening inside it! A complete teardown of what it used to be!
What are you going to do about it, Rachel? Alfred asked me again, in the old man voice.
Talk to my parents about going off of invega! I screamed.
DO IT!!! Alfred said.
It's nothing you need to know about, my guides said. They left it at that.
I didn't know what was happening. My brain was going haywire. Not mental illness bullshit, I knew better. I was having an epiphany of sorts, day after day, month after month, my brain kept changing and I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to lose my marbles and live off in a cave without my friends and family and eat beans and rice and never return.
It's something fun, my guides said. Really fun! They said. I did not believe they were telling me the truth.
It's almost time to practice! Alfred said. We will tell you when it's time to practice!
I was worried, worried that something was going to happen to me that would lead to more hospitalizations and more injections of medication. My guides told me I was done with the hospital. I would never again be admitted to the mental health ward. If I was, that meant something had gone wrong.
I complained to myself over and over again, Stop thinking like that! Stop thinking like that! It's going to be okay! They will not notice I am acting funny because I haven't been doing anything weird at all! It's okay!
Don't worry, sweetie, Alfred said. Let's pretend it's never going to change, ever. Everything is always going to stay the same. Just as it is, just as it is. Always a child to your parents, with the guardianship, with the medication making you sick. Always.
I knew he was right. But I was still worried. What was this? Was this in the job description? What were they doing to my brain? I didn't know, and I worried about it a little bit more than I needed to, they told me. It was not a big whoop, they were doing something to my brain, they later told me. It would integrate the subconscious with the conscious, so when I spoke I would sound really, really smart and insightful. Even my parents would notice, and take me to the hospital to get it checked out.
I wondered about it. What did they mean, integrate the conscious with the subconscious? Would I be able to interpret my dreams on a conscious level? Speak from my stored subconscious knowledge? Make fun of people and sound smart? I didn't know. All I knew was, I was worried, and anxious. I didn't understand why they had to do this, I wish they would tell me before messing with my brain. I knew it would be okay, but I didn't believe it would make a difference in how I sounded, intellectually. I would always sound stupid and childish when I spoke about how the medication made me ill and how I didn't really think I needed it. But that was that. This was this. My brain was going through a major transformation, and I needed time and space to see what would come of it.
Chapter 58
What are you talking about, sweetie? Alfred asked me one day.
I want to know how to work at the psychic/medium profession. How will I do it? I asked. I was worried beyond belief about that.
It's easy, you just use the neural pathway we added...
You added the neural pathway? I thought it was one that everyone had.
No sweetie, we added that neural pathway so we could communicate with you. It's easy to add, hard to find, and hard to get rid of.
But I wondered why other people don't channel by talking out loud...
No one does, sweetie. Only automatic talking, and that's really really rare. No one channels by talking out loud.
Then how do they do it?
Neural pathways that are closed off for you by the medications.
Will they open up again so I can use them?
Yes, but you won't need to use them. You can channel by talking out loud.
We are circling, Alfred!
We are too, but I told you, you can channel by talking out loud.
Okay, I get it. We are done.
Another thing is, we don't like the idea of you channeling by talking out loud when you are in front of clients, so we will open another neural pathway in the brain that allows you to integrate your thoughts more, Alfred told me.
What? I thought you said I could channel by talking out loud?
I was not serious at all. It will all work out in the end, I promise.
What do I do if I can't channel without talking out loud? I asked.
You will have to be a psychic/medium who channels by talking out loud then.
Okay then.
Okay then, but we don't want you to be a psychic/medium who channels by talking out loud.
Will I learn to overcome my horrific fears?
Yes, as soon as you realize you will be a psychic/medium whether you like it or not.
What about the guardianship trial? What if my parents do not fight it? What if they say, okay, we will remove the guardianship... And they removed it quietly and that was that?
We know they won't, we know them. They will not do that. You have too tight of a hold on them, emotionally. That is why they will never let it go without a fight. They think if you are without a guardianship, you will go and get drunk and pass out and be taken to the ER, and they won't know about it. And that would be the worst thing ever, not to know about something like that.
Why are they such vicious control freaks? I asked.
They have to be, or there would be no guardianship trial.
Why does there have to be a guardianship trial? Why couldn't I be famous some other way?
You need to have something to get people interested, it is easier to make people know who you are if they remember you from something they had an opinion about, whether it was for you or against you.
Why do we need people to know who I am if I have something else happen, like a spiritual authority?
How do you become famous being a spiritual authority? What are you, the Dalai Lama? It's hard work getting up there. A guardianship trial is way, way easier. It is hard to understand why you don't want this to happen, Rachel. It will happen. You will be the guardianship trial extraoardinaire.
What if I talk to my parents, and they let the guardianship go without a trial? I asked fearfully.
Isn't that what you want? He asked angrily. We had been over this already.
I want to know they will fight it tooth and nail, but still let me out of the house without injecting me with medication or any other problems! I screamed at him.
We know what will happen, we know they won't think you're doing well, we know they will fight it because of their rampant worry... So just give it a rest, okay? I need to tell you something important about your dad.
What's that?
He has a mental illness. An undiagnosed one. He tells himself things in his head that are very, very funny. Very, very funny. He imagines funny situations when he is in a hypnagogic state, like in the car. Weird, weird things you would think are so crazy you would scream.
What does he imagine?
Things you don't want to know or you wouldn't look at him the same way.
I remembered a time, one Christmas, quite a few years ago. We were sitting downstairs, ready to open gifts, when my sister told me about something she overheard my dad say to himself in the bathroom. Something so weird I won't repeat it.
I believe it. How did this happen?
We think it was LSD. It messed him up permanently. That's why he always cautions you so strongly, don't try LSD. It changes you, in a bad way.
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