Burn Like Jesus, 51st Chapter

So you think you can dance? Alfred asked me.

No, I think I can dance fairly well, but not all that well, I said. I was home with only my dad, and he was upstairs. My mom was away on vacation.

You haven't moved around very much today, so we are going to dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

Really? I said. I was microwaving myself a TV dinner.

Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way! Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way!

Alfred came down to Earth and entered my body, controlling my movements as I danced around the house singing the Ludacris song.

Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way! Who is that? That tootsie roll of fat?

He was singing some goofy rhyme I heard a kid say once in junior high. It was so dumb I remembered part of it.

What does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? Two licks, three licks, four licks...

FIVE!!! I yelled.

Watch out, here she comes.. Here she comes.. Miss America... Miss America! He sang, making up a tune.

We danced and sang for about five and a half minutes before he let me eat my dinner.

Alfred decided it was time for an animation. I sat and watched. He was sitting at a typewriter, typing a memo. When he finished, he showed me the memo... “One person takes part of the fall, two people do not get what's left of it!”

What does that mean? I asked.

You are the female Jesus. If you go to hell for all of eternity, who will save you? Your parents?

No one does, I am sacrificed!

Hogwash! They would be so sad!

No, they wouldn't know because they go to hell because they aren't saved! I yelled.

They are too saved! Saved by your effervescent glory!

Not really, they didn't accept Jesus into their hearts...

Don't worry, I'm only kidding. When the guardianship trial happens, they will be put on display and ridiculed. Are you ready for this?

I am, but they're not.

Don't worry about them, they're buffoons! BUFFOONS!!!

What else did it say?

It said... Eat more brown rice and bleed, bitch, bleed!

I don't eat brown rice ever.

As you should not! It's bad for your body!

What else did the memo say?

You are attractive to most men. Don't think you're not. Most men would love to have a piece of that. So don't worry about it, sweetie. You are attractive. You just need to work out more, but even that isn't a necessity. You have a nice round tush, and great tits!