I woke up one morning, and my guides told me it was time to walk around the house and talk to them. So I got up, put on clothing that was suitable for this activity, and walked around the house, while cleaning up after myself. My guides told me it was important to clean up after myself, because it made a good impression on my family, and we were trying to get them to do something.
I went to the kitchen, and unloaded the dishwasher. After I was done, I loaded the dishwasher. After that, I wiped down the counters. Then, I went into the bathroom and urinated.
What do we do now? I asked my guides.
We wait for your mom to come home and think you are doing oh so well, so she thinks it is time to reduce your Invega.
What if she thinks it's not time? I asked my guides.
She will not, but it's okay, we are trying!
After we were done, I went over to my friend's house and pretended to work on making my mobile app. On the way back, I was walking across the street, when a bum called out to me and asked for some money. I looked at the bum, and felt an instant sense of compassion. I reached into my purse and gave him 50 cents. He thanked me and left.
As I walked across the street, a woman was watching from behind. She looked me up and down, and scoffed. I was too curvaceous to be wearing a tight sweatshirt, it accentuated my rear end. She laughed to herself about how big my butt looked. She thought that if she had a butt like that, she would always wear flowy dresses to hide the problem area. What if she could understand how big her butt looks? She would never understand how good it looks to hide the problem area!
I turned around, and she quickly looked the other way and smiled to herself about how I didn't know what she was thinking. I actually did not know what she was thinking, my guides picked this up because she was a loud thinker. As I walked down the street, she called a taxi, and lost her purse because as she was thinking about how big my butt was, a purse snatcher snatched it and she didn't even know it.
I took the bus home, and when I got home, it was time to lust after Alfred. I lusted, and lusted, until he said he had his fill.
The next day, I was walking around the house, cleaning up after myself. Alfred talked to me while I did it.
I love the porcupine tree song. Everything about it: they rhythm, the melody, the lyrics, the harmony everything. When we get to heaven, with those sexy rotary blades honey, we will listen to that song on repeat again and again and again! He gushed.
Alfred went away for awhile. I asked why he was away.
I saw you eating bacon the other day and there was something you wouldn't tell me. I think you have some sort of relationship with bacon.
A romantic relationship?
No, no that.
A friendship?
No, not that either. A lustful relationship.
You really think that?
No, I'm using the logic of a conservative Christian.
I continued to clean up after myself, and put away more dishes. As I cleaned, I heard Alfred talking up in the other worldly place.
No! Not an apple! Jordan, for the last time, this is not about what you want to eat, it's about what you need to eat for the ascension process...
What? What's going on? I asked.
Just talking to my other silia friend, Jordan! Alfred said. He showed me a picture of her, looking pretty.
What is this? You enjoy this Malt-O-Meal? What does that mean! Enjoy it! I eat it, don't I?! Alfred screamed.
God-zooks! Good gracious! How long has this mess been here? He said as I went up to my room and sat on the bed. Good gracious! You need a trash bin to get rid of this mess! He was referring to the nicotine gum wrappers.
What is that girl thinking? She enjoys everything she has, but doesn't appreciate the finer things in life! Alfred said, talking about me. He thought I could do with some more body lotion on my body.
Foof! What is this, Jordan? I said, I had my fill! Stop lusting! Stop! Stop! Alfred said in a frenzied groan.
I laughed really hard at this.
Back in the kitchen, Alfred was doing an animation as I cooked some food. He showed himself walking down a street, turning a corner, giving some change to a hobo, pulling a phone out of his purse to call a cab... As he held it up to his head, it turned into a gun and he shot himself.
Woah!!! Not cool! I said.
That's not what I meant to do, sweetie!
It got intercepted, my guides told me. That was the result of someone casting a spell on you again. Another subconscious spell worker.
Don't worry, we have it under control.
Chapter 53
Well? Alfred asked. What are you thinking, Sugar Toots?
I sighed.
“You're right! I know what you're thinking!” He sang to the tune of the Duncan Sheik song Barely Breathing. Then he showed me a picture of a girl who was his girlfriend. “This is my love, sweetheart,” Alfred said. “She has always known I cared about her, but not since I was with another girl on the other side, Maria Rion.” Alfred showed me a picture of this new girl. “And she knows I love her, but not as much as I love my other friend, Rachel Zuhl.”
Awww! I cooed.
You're ready for something I've been planning! Get up! Walk outside, then come back inside and look at me.
I did so. When I came back, Alfred was walking around with a detective outfit on. He said, “Blue's Clues... Blue's Clues... Where do you find the Blue's Clues? I don't know the song, but that's how you always imagine me. As the guy on Blue's Clues! I don't like it!”
What do you think I'm supposed to think, you act like him! I yelled.
Not really, Bee.. Not really! He wailed. Then he pointed out the window in my mind. “It's a bird, it's a plane... It's a oriental fried rice bowl hanging from the ceiling!”
I looked up, and was confused for a couple minutes. Then I figured it out. There was a triangular shaped window treatment hanging from the window, which sort of resembled the shape of a wok. I was excited! There really was one! This was proof I wasn't losing my mind!
Alfred pretended to go to clap, and accidentally poke himself in the eye instead. “Yay! Proof! Oww!”
But it was proof, my guides said. Outside the box proof.
Alfred stood on a pedestal to give a speech. “My speech is about the girls in our country who do not understand the meaning of the words, 'peace of mind,' and who live a life of lechery on street corners, walking around without clothes on, and lubricating themselves well without affection.”
What? I asked.
Your mom! She's a ho bag!
Why do you say that? She's a lot of things...
We need to get her off the streets and into a shelter!
You're acting dumb, Alfred.
In my mind, he morphed into a very ugly duckling, and started squawking.
Wait, do I need to eat something? Alfred always did this when I was deficient in something like food, water, or nicotine. It was really obnoxious until I figured out what was going on.
You need coconut water, stat!
Chapter 54
Okay, Salioness... Guess what time it is? Masturbation time!
Aww, shucks! Do I have to?
You really need to get off, Sugar Plum, Alfred said. We want to test it to see if your sexuality has changed. We have been waiting for this! Come on! I'll do visuals for you!
No, he won't, said my guides. You will watch porn on your computer. We will be watching your thoughts closely to see what you think about, to see if the double puberty is coming along well.
I went to the first porn website I could find, got out my vibrator and started masturbating. When I finished, there were cheers and applause from the other side.
You got off on normal things! Hoorah! Said Alfred.
I knew I could do it! I said.
We think you should get off more often, because it makes us so happy to think that you're normal now! My guides said smugly.
It was a big event, masturbation time, to the spirits on the other side. They looked forward to it, waited for it, and watched it very carefully.
Why don't you try again later? Said Alfred. Give it another go!
You're such a card! I said, and tugged lightly on a sex cord. He tugged back.
Watch where you tug, bitch! Why don't you tug this one? He tugged lightly on the cord he wanted me to tug.
I tugged. When I did so, I got a wonky, wonky feeling. Ahhhh!! I screamed. Wonk!
We are going to get rid of that cord right now, okay? My guides said.
But that's a fun cord! Alfred said.
Now, we are going to tell you about something that's happening right now. Your body is ridding itself of fetishes and sexual situation places. One's coming up right now. It's a hairbrush fetish. I bet you never knew you had a hairbrush fetish!
Sure as hell did not!
It comes from early in life, the pain of your mother brushing your hair. It was always horrendous. Pain translates into pleasure, so voila! A hairbrush fetish. Get rid of the energy now, like with the wonk energy.
I reached down to my crotch area and pulled out the wad of energy coming out. I discarded it by throwing it as hard as I could.
Okay, another one is coming up now. It's a stuffed animal fetish. Most people have this one, it is very common. Another one you didn't know you had.
Why do I have that one?
Sleeping with stuffed animals while your sexuality was developing makes people have these fetishes. They are usually unconscious.
I reached down, grabbed ahold of the energy and discarded it.
Okay, now, wait a little bit... We waited a little bit, and the first sexual situation place came up.
Izzy's pizza buffet. When you were young, you and your friends used to gorge yourself here. I know it doesn't seem like these two things would be related, but... food is pleasure, sex is pleasure. It becomes a sexual situation place.
I reached down and pulled out the energy, and discarded it.
Okay, here's another weird one... Zip's convenience store by the transition house at Innercept. When you first moved to transition, they were giving out free coffee everyday at Zip's from the machine, the really good kind with all the fat and sugar. You went there everyday and got one. It created a sexual situation place there.
I reached down, pulled out the energy and threw it as hard as I could.
One more. There are many, many, many, but.... Only the big ones come out. This one is dark alleys, because of the association with hookers.
That made sense. I pulled out the energy and discarded it.
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