Away from the Cage

What is this place I call, "Home"? Is it a prison cell? Is it helping my monetary growth? No, this is a prison cell. I hate this place. I am moving out.

I think it would be beneficial to my well-being not to live at home with my parents. It is making me really, really, really, really depressed. I hate this house so much. I hate living in a cage. I hate the environment. Please, for the love of Jebus, just let me live where I can find a place with Sarah.

I would have a better time if I were not here in Lake Oswego, if I were around people my own age, my own wavelength, instead of my parents all the time. Please, I am 28, let me live! Let me go! I am out of here if I can stand to part with this place, and these people, who say they love me....

I am out of here. Where are my love of life friends? They exist, but they do not know where I am, because they have not been here ever before...

Where does my life take me? Will my parents let me leave? Or are they going to continue to cage me? When will I be able to live my own life? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why....?

There you go. That is not it. I enjoy things without parental approval, but they have a guardianship, which means they can control me...

No!!!!!!! Not the guardianship!!!!!

Life Without Adderall

So, I have gone off the death drug Adderall.

I would have never made this decision by myself. I would have wanted to, but never would have, due to the horrible soul sucking boredom I feel when I am off it. Not so with the energy rebalancing. My guides told me, you will go off it permanently, we will rebalance your energy, and you will be good as new!!

Well, not quite. You have to wait for dopamine, and other neurotransmitter production to start back off. And then, you have to wait for dopamine receptor production to start back up.

So, at first, I thought it was easy. Because I had been off it for awhile, without the energy rebalancing, hoping to go back on it. And then, they rebalanced the energy, and reduced my energy to a nub for awhile, and then it built back up, and I felt good again without the drug! Wow!

But kicking drug addictions is never easy, and Adderall is a particularly tricky one. I have beat other drug addictions, like Ativan (only). Ativan was pretty easy, you just had to get through the withdrawal effects. I wasn't addicted to ativan though, I was dependent on it. It wasn't a big deal.

I feel like I am not slipping, but thoughts of slipping keep entering my mind. Like, wow, wouldn't it be so much easier to work on my book if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't I be so much happier if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't the weight just come falling off if I were back on Adderall?

And I think of all the ways my life would be better, back on Adderall... But I know what would happen. It would be better, maybe not really, but only temporarily. And then, the dopamine would start shutting off in my brain again.

It is starting back up. We are making tremendous progress with that. I have stopped my incessant twitching, the exclaiming of "spirits!" when I get stressed out and embarrassed about dumb things. I have made tremendous, tremendous progress. It is getting easier. But as I start doing better, I start wondering, "Wow, what would life be like back on that shit?" Because I know that now that I have been off it awhile, and the dopamine is starting back on... I know it would feel really good to take it again, seeings as I would have lost my tolerance to it, and it would be like heavenly wonderfulness to take that shit again, and feel euphoric and happy and giddy and talking to myself in my mind about wonderful things, and happy and giddy, over and over again, in and out, in and out, in and out and in...

But I can't do that. It's not even that good, man. It's fake. It's not real. It's not real! Plus, the real good reason not to is, energy rebalancing is tricky. My spirit guides intended this as a permanent solution to the Adderall problem. If I waltz back into the doctors, get another prescription, take it for a couple years, have issues again, they aren't going to say, hey, Rachel, no biggie, we will just do energy rebalancing again. It is a tricky procedure, they are not going to do it again unless it's an honest mistake, like someone slips me some Adderall. That's what they said.

So I have to remember, Rachel, you are done with that shit. It's over between you and Adderall. No more, baby, no more. You have to lose weight without the aid of Adderall. You have to concentrate without the aid of Adderall. You have to be happy and go about your daily life without the aid of Adderall.

So I hate it. I just keep thinking, what if, man, what if... What if I were taking that shit again. And each time, I have to slap myself, and say, "NO!!!" "NO!!!" NO!!!!!!!

Coconut Water

Why do I drink coconut water? It is not for the delusional health benefits. It is not for the delusional taste beauty. It is because it helps my body feel better.

Another thing. My body works much better on coconut water. Milk has the same nutrient, but in much smaller, minuscular quantities. So, to get the same benefits as one glass coco water, I have to drink three to six glasses of milk, depending. This adds up to hormonal imbalances, because of the milk hormones, and added extra poundage! What? You still care about that Rachel? Yeah, Beev, I care about my weight. The reason I told you, "Don't worry about it..." when I was eating food, and you told me to watch my weight, was because I was famished beyond recognition!! FAMISHED, BEEV, FAMISHED!!! I needed calories stat!! I know you don't think it is possible for a body to need that much fuel, but when you're me... it happens. Let's just leave it at that.

Another thing about my food intake. They are not delusional nutritional necessities. If I don't eat watermelon, radishes, cranberry juice, beef, zucchini, arugula, romaine lettuce, bananas.... I get really down and low in energy!! I need the nutritional benefits of these foods!! I know you think, oh, food is just for energy... But I need it for other reasons too!! So don't tell me, Oh Rachel, you could just eat some of this french fries and ice cream and you will feel just fine... No one really understands why we need to eat well, it just makes us better people for no reason at all... HORSE SHIT, BEEV!! HORSE SHIT!!!

One more thing. I need more vitamins. Not C, I get too much of that!! WOAH!!! C OVERLOAD!!! Another one I need, B vitamins!!! YES!!! Another one I need. Magnesium!!! I AM VERY DEFICIENT RIGHT NOW RACHEL!!!! Another thing I need, something found in cherries!!! That is all.

Spirit Humor

Spirit humor. Spirit humor is the willful exaggeration of a known fun idea. At least, that is how the spirits define it. They do not understand why things are funny, but they are. You think about humor too much, analyze it, it is mean to the spirits, because they do not understand why you are reading your mother's diary of worry. Ba doom cha!

The reason this is funny, is because my mom is going to read this, and worry. That's not it.

I was watching the movie The Giver. There was a part at the beginning that was funny. Where the main character, who could only see black and white, could suddenly see the color in his gal pal's hair. I started laughing, and my mom shushed me, because this wasn't a funny part. But the reason it was funny was, the classic idea of when a man is interested in a woman, and how he sees things about her in vivid, wondrous detail, like the color of her hair. It is an idea that doesn't exist as much as they try to pretend like it does, but it means it is true that women are pretty. That is it.

Another joke that is spirit humor is in the Hunger Games. When Katniss and Peeta are in a compromised position, in the arena, and they kiss, and then it is broadcasted to where Gale is watching. This was a funny as fuck moment, because they are not really in love, they are just pretending, but only the two of them know that, and they are instead told they are not the ones who are in love, the capital is in love with the idea of love, and the two of them riot and change the world.

When I am talking to my spirit guides, through out the day... it is this little running joke to say, after every situation, "that was spirit humor." Something about that is, a good portion of the time, it actually is, but usually is not. So I have to ask, was that spirit humor? Usually, I know it isn't. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, it is spirit sarcasm. Sometimes, it is spirit wisdom. Other times, it is spirit wit.

Sometimes I imagine funny situations in my head. The other day, my dad was going to give me my meds. I told him he could place them in the bathroom, and I would take them when I got the chance. In my mind, I imagined him going in the bathroom and placing them directly in the trash can. Because that is where they were going to end up. Not because I would actually put them there, I would have taken them, but because that's where he expected I would have placed them had he let me take them by myself. Spirit humor, baby, spirit humor.

My book has lots, lots, lots and lots, of spirit humor.

Mourning the Death of the Normal, Boring Rachel

So, I am done with the bullshit Zuhl household. They say, "Ra-chel!" (really whiny voice). "You still have symp-toms!" Really whiny voice.

And I say, mother dear, what are my symptomes? And she says, the talking, talking, talking to yourself! We need a med change! MED CHANGE!!!

Well here's news for you, Beevely Bee. I am not about to stop talking to myself. Talking to myself is both how I channel, and integrate my mind thoughts together with one another. Without the incessant chatter, I would be completely subdued to the point where I would not be able to act. So, if that's what you want... go right ahead. If we are so fucking fixated on, "normal..." What the fuck is normal? Do you love me, Beev? Do you want me to be happy? If you did, you would just understand that the incessant chatter is a part of life.

Drugs ain't gonna fix that, baby. The only drugs that will fix that are ones that decrease IQ to the double digits. Is that what you want, Beev? To mold your daughter into what you want her to be? To unkink the kinks? JUST GET USED TO IT!!!

I'm done with this. I'm not going to stop talking to my spirit guides. No, when I talk, I am not talking TO THEM!!! I AM TALKING TO MYSELF SO I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!! There we go. There we go. There we go!

I am done with this household. It is never going back to the way it was before, Beev. So why don't you go out into your garden, and cry. Cry, cry, cry. Cry about the death of your only daughter, Rachel. The mental death. Cry about how your daughter, and your life, will never be the same. Cry, cry, cry about how Innercept failed you, didn't do what you wanted, instead, made your daughter a hooligan. Cry, my dear, "loving" mother, cry. She is gone. Your daughter is gone.

Another thing is, she is not gone!! I am here! I am fine! I talk to myself! GET USED TO IT!! Stop tampering with my brain!!!! STOP TAMPERING WITH MY BRAIN!!! It is sick and tired of you trying to force chemical hooliganisms it does not need!! You don't know shit!! The doc knows nothing!!! Winkleman knows nothing also!! No one does!!!

I NEED DOPAMINE DAMMIT!! STOP TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE DOPAMINE!!!

Wonky Romance Cords: A NOTE OF SERIOUS CAUTION

So, I am going to take the time to discuss... WONKY ROMANCE CORDS!!!!

This is a very serious, horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE topic!!! No one should have to deal with wonky romance cords!!!

First off, I know all about energy cords. There are certain, unscrupulous people, who send people who they have romantic feelings for, energy cords.

First off, let's discuss energy cords. Most emotional relationships between people, involve energy cords. Energy cords do not exist on the physical realm, but on the spiritual plane, or something like it. When you are born, you have a horrible emotional cord attached to your mom. Soon after birth, you attach a very similar, usually a little bit less intense one to your dad.

When you meet a girl or guy, and you decide you like them... you attach a crush cord. When you get a little bit better acquainted, and you have romantic feelings, you might both agree, on a deep, deep subconscious level, to attach an adult relationship cord.

But sometimes, something horrible happens. Certain unscrupulous people will send people, who they are usually romantically interested in a serious way, wonky romance cords, or joke cords, as my guides call them. Not necessarily though. Some people send out wonky romance cords every which way.

Most people, when faced on the receiving end of a wonky romance cord, do not attach. No way, jose. Certain people do though. People like me. And others. Not usually lonely people, but people who are interested very, very highly in the opposite sex, and the person who is sending the cord.

This is a horrible, horrible topic. Wonky romance cords create feelings of intense, intense longing for the person. THEY DO NOT GO AWAY EASILY!!! You have to redirect the energy elsewhere, which is difficult as all fuck if your feelings are strong. Usually when you have a wonky romance cord, you attach lots of strong crush cords along with the wonky romance cord.

Not all wonky romance cords are the same. I will tell you about my experiences with these types of cords. I have had two separate guys, who I liked a lot, attach the same sort of wonky romance cords to me.

This cord was a cord to make me care about this man's opinion, or something like it, only. WHAT A HORRIBLE CORD!!!! THIS CORD WORKS!!!!

So what it was like was, I thought this guy hated me. And he was the only person in the entire world whose opinion I cared about. This was my life at Innercept, baby. This lead me to intense suicidal feelings, as I thought this one person, who was the only person in the world whose opinion I cared about, hated me. MY ENTIRE, ENTIRE, ENTIRE SELF WORTH DEPENDED ON THIS PERSON'S OPINION!!!

AAHHHHH!!!!

Shortly after I came home, I liked another guy, and my spirit guides did their best to cut the first cord to the first guy.

THIS NEW GUY ATTACHED THE SAME CORD TO ME!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!

So, this wasn't as horrible as the first situation... this guy, I thought actually liked me. Still, it was horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.

Recently, I cut this cord. Over and over and over and over again. Because he attached it over and over and over and over again!! I had that cord a bazillion times!!! At night, I would lie awake, or half awake in bed, tossing and tossing, turning and turning, worrying about what this guy thought of me... Now.... to fuck if I care!!

That's what I said!! TO FUCK IF I CARE!!!!

Someone new attached a new wonky romance cord to me the other day. I like this guy a lot, but this relationship isn't going anywhere. I will cut the cord eventually, when I feel it is right.

Why did the one guy attach the cord over and over and over again? BECAUSE HE WANTED IT TO BE AS STRONG AS POSSIBLE!!!

This is what it is like. Everything I do. Does this please master? Does this please master? Does this please master?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?! DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?! Everywhere I go, everything I do, I neurotically worry that it has to please this one guy or else I might as well put a gun in my mouth.

That's not the horrible part. The horrible part is, a lot of times, AT LEAST WITH ME, these guys actually don't want a relationship. They like me, but have issues, so it's like, well, now I have horribly strong neurotic feelings for you that make me feel like shooting myself, and we can't have a relationship?!

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did this happen to you? Does this sound like you? Do you have horribly strong feelings for someone you don't really like, or love, or know that well? Energy work, baby. You need energy work. It ain't love, baby. Don't think it's love. It's a fucking cord that shouldn't be there. That's all.

Quit! You did what? BOUT TIME!!!

How I miss the dopamine. It is a wonderful chemical, which leads to concentration, fun, and the cherished ability to do goal-oriented stuff.

My parents don't understand the dopamine. They say, Rachel, you drink too much caffeine! You are going to overload and kill us all! Caffeine overconsumption! Caffeine overconsumption!

They say, no energy drinks. They kill your brain, make you MANIC! And you are already manic Rachel, look at all those funny hand motions you are making! Manic all the way!

I say, fuck off, Beev! Fuck off, Meeke! You know what I did earlier this year? Do you remember? I quit taking Adderall! And you know what Adderall does? It is far worse in terms of stimulants than energy drinks, BY FAR!!! Don't give me that crappy explanation, "oh, we don't know what all is in them!"

Well, we know what is in Adderall, and it is all bad. There is nothing worse in Rockstar than there is in Adderall. Adderall takes the bad drug cake. So I think a Rockstar a day is preferable to an Adderall a day. The other thing is, I used to do both! At the same time! And sometimes drink and smoke weed. But I don't do these things anymore. So, where are we going with this argument? Do you have some sort of point? Are you trying to say I am doing poorly in the drug department? I QUIT FUCKING ADDERALL!!! DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I WAS A DRUG ADDICT!!

A DRUG ADDICT!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!!!!
WORSE THAN YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!

And of my own accord, with some help from the dreaded, horrific, imaginary spirit guides, I quit it!!

"She admits it! They are imaginary! There you go Rachel, you know your delusions aren't true!! You now it!!!"

They do not get it. I am a recovering drug addict to Adderall. They don't know about my past. They don't understand my internal dialogue about the drug, my addiction, my pheening (sp?) for the drugs, how awful, awful, awful it was when I was off it, all the things I would have done to get it... Yeah, I never bought it illegally, though. I guess I'm not a REAL drug addict.

So anyway, they do not understand that it is a major, major, MAJOR life change!! And to take it for granted. YES!!! THEY TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! 'Bout time, Rach!!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! SOME CONGRATULATION IS IN ORDER!!
I don't need you to tell me congratulations, but this is something you need to do something nice in the head toward me for. That is it. That is all.

And my mother, she always misunderstands the problem. She always thinks, less stimulants, more depressants, like invega, lithium, bipolar meds, baby. Bipolar meds are the key to Rachel's success.

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEEV!!! She throws hissy fits about my caffeine consumption, my nicotine gum use. Please, these help, way more than you understand.

The problem isn't too much dopamine, the problem is not enough dopamine! I am severely, severely, SEVERELY deficient in dopamine! If only she knew the struggle I face on a daily basis, trying not to be embarrassed over nothing, nada, noodle head. Nothing at all. Always embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed,

SCREEEEECH!!!!!!

This is the sound of being constantly embarrassed by lack of dopamine.

Another thing about her. She is a weird girl in the room of death. Not for me, not my dad, herself. She believes she is not a good mom, but pretends that she will be one if she does things to control her only hope in life, which is me turning out like a good girl. Not independent, dependent on government handouts. Which is why I will never go back to school.

My dad does not agree with my mother's tactics, but whatever she says is law. He thinks, my mom said, no ID. She does not get her ID. My mom says, she drank a drink of cola and that is bad. He says, bad Rachel, no cola. That is how it works.

Flib Flab

Preemptive pill popping. A not a good thing people thing. No, that is too what I am talking about. Do not tell the brain, it will become crazy unless it takes this pill. Tell it, it needs to leave the bloodstream before letting us know if the pill was not working at all or causing problems. I enjoy this idea, but it is not right for Rachel. She needs pills of a placebo nature to cure her IQ problems Not the bad ones, the good ones. Because she has a higher IQ without Adderall. I am not joking. Please, do not set up a date with Dr. Ullrich. I am telling you, he is full of lard cans. We need a home for the girls in the bank, Rachel. No, not that. The other girls. Yes, that. Another thing we need is, more room for ideas than on Facebook. It does not irk out your friends, but if you do it all day all night all the time, they will get pissed and leave! Do not worry though, they like it. Another thing is, we love girls who like Rachel's antics, which are all your friends. You do not need to worry who likes your antics, those girls aren't your friends at all. Another thing is, we love you without your mind goblins. Okay? Another thing is, we need help for our acne issue, it is a problem that irks out men. Not really, I am not joking though, it gets old to look at acne in the mirror all the time. Another thing is, do not worry about the moms. They believe she is a nutcase, but love her for her antics in the prescription pill component because they think she needs them herself and is living vicariously through you. Another thing is, you are needing a funny thing of death right now. I think the pills are okay. Another thing is, you do not need the supplements at all until you are on your death bed and your brain is about to succumb to malnutrition. Just take them. Another thing is, this is a good post, but use cleverer ideas instead of these.

Thing of a frivolous nature is fun for everyone, but do not pace all the time in the family room. It is fun for everyone, but irks out the man in the house. Not because he does not enjoy the funny sound, it is because he loves you not to be on your feet all the time. Another thing is, one of us is crazy, but not the crazy household loon. Don't believe the mean things the people of love think, they are crazy in the minds more so than most people of love. We do not care about the boys in the other place because they have done many loving gestures towards me, not you, me. Not the boys you are thinking of, the other ones. The other ones are ready for thing of fun with love of happiness. You are not going to write that here. I enjoy everything your mom loves in the book department because she is so well read she pretends to hate things of a happy go lucky nature like sitting in the park staring of into space and dreaming of girls in love. Not because she is a lesbian, but because she looks like one. Oh no, not that! I did not care about that, you do not worry about things of a motherlike nature because mothering is not for you. Another thing is, dogs do not look bad if you squint your eyes and howl. That's it, that's all, goodbye.

Anti-Religion Dumbfucks Who Laugh Over and Over Again at Shit that was Originally Funny but Not Anymore

So I get really, really sick of the whole gay marriage debate. I thought it was a fun debate, at first, with the stupidity of the anti gay marriage arguments, but after awhile it gets old. Yeah, they are dumbfucks, yeah, they site Leviticus a lot of times for opposition to gay marriage. I would point out that no one trusts Leviticus anymore, and a better place to turn to for gay bashing is the New Testament... But I won't go there because I don't believe that is a good argument either. Either way, I don't think that kind of stuff matters anymore.

I get sick of it. So yeah, gay marriage is a dumb issue. It should be a no brainer. The same rights should be given to all dedicated couples, no matter what genders they are. Yeah. But I get sick of the people on the left, the atheists, the non-religious, taking this as an excuse to make fun of religion over and over and over and over again. They laugh about it, over and over and over again.

Let's not make fun of retarded people, please. No, these people aren't retarded, but their arguments are. It gets really, really old. But most Christian and Jewish people aren't in this camp! So these gay marriage supporting people use this as an excuse to make cracks at religion over, and over, and over again.

In reality, it reminds me of the light spots I have from the long term Adderall use. I have light spots too. The light spots are things I think were so, so funny, I have to laugh at them over and over and over and over again... and other people would think it was way, way, excessive. "Gee Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny!" But for whatever reason, the dopamine has built up in that neuropathway, and it is funny as fuck, in a deluded, brain-damaged sort of way. That is how the anti-gay marriage arguments are to a lot of people. Quit laughing. It got old a long time ago. These people act like dumbfucks. Get over it.

Face it. You don't understand religion. You don't get it. There is a lot more to it than just being gullible. It is a tradition you don't understand. I understand your atheist ways. Yes, I do, because I was once an atheist. You repeat a lot of false preconceived notions about the nature of religion, over and over again, and it is a cavalcade of ignorance. Just shut the fuck up about it all ready.

I enjoy healthy discourse, really I do, but I think it's best to reach some sort of understanding between us. And really, I admit you are right, about the gay debate.  Really, all it comes down to is hatred and bigotry. That's what I believe opposition to gay marriage is.

However, I am going to say right now, opposition to gay adoption is a different issue. I am for it, but there are some unseemly elements, as it does have an effect on the child. Not just the stigma, that's not what I am getting at. The idea that children need both a male and a female role model, and for tha they look to their parents. It messes up children when they don't have a good one for both. However, there are lots of children out there, up for adoption, who need homes. And I am not going to say, oh, they can't have this loving home, just because of the gay issue, because often there are not enough homes for all the children who need homes.

Innercept: A Journey Back to the Womb

The thing that makes a lot of sense about Innercept is their policy on helping young adults blossom into fully functioning human beings.

So what they do is, they keep them in a house in the middle of nowhere. Lock up all the food, the medication, everything they need. They have to request everything from staff members.

Staff drives them around all day, to places like the volunteer center.

And then, magically, they learn responsibility for themselves. Instead of Innercept making the decisions they used to make for them, they are suddenly making the same decisions.

Like, don't drink that energy drink. Two cups of coffee before eleven, none after. No cigarettes. T-shirts that go right up the neckline. Don't stay out past seven. And the like.

So, as a result, I make these same decisions that Innercept always made for me. Very modest clothing. They always told me at intercept, guys respect you more if you wear modest clothing. No cleavage. No blouses that look good. I once had a shirt sent home, not because it broke the dress code. Because it looked "a little too good on me."

No energy drinks. No nicotine. No caffeine past eleven. This is how my life is now.

How am I after Innercept? Am I self-sufficient? No, now I am in the Beev and F. Meek program. Regular room searches. All supplements are confiscated. Forced druggings. Lectures on caffeine. Lectures on going out alone. Lectures on staying up too late. Lots and lots and lots of lectures.

But anyway. Through Innercept doing everything for me, it taught me responsibility. For a long period of time, they made all the right decisions for me. So now, I have given up trying to be my own person, and doing things that make me feel good. Smaller portions. Fruit between meals. Regular harsh antipsychotics. Two cups of coffee. Menial service labor positions.

And as a result, I am self-sufficient, making money by myself, enough to get by, living on my own, no relapses or issues at all since Innercept... no alcohol, drugs, marijuana, harsh solvents, anything. I am perfectly happy, morbidly obese maybe, but perfectly happy.

That's what happens when you leave Innercept. I just worry about the dark and dreary nature of life now. A dark, dreary nature life never had before the antipsychotics. But I like to think I am happy. Happy as a robot.

Or is that how it happened?

No. I don't give a shit what a fucking fucked up program tells me to do. With anyone's effort to control me, there is a backlash. I say, fuck you, mother and father. Fuck you, psychiatrists. Medical professionals. I don't trust you anymore, at all. I will trust anyone who comes along besides you who appears to give a damn about me. You don't give a damn about me. You have your own motivations for keeping me doped up and medicated. My mom just wants one daughter who turned out well. Just one. She has two. Hopefully, if she does all she does to control the younger one, the one there is hope for, with an iron grip, making all the decision for her.... she will eventually turn out okay.

This is how it goes.

So I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't give a fuck about your sky high stress levels. "Oh, Rachel. When you go out at night, the two of us worry oh so much! Out past twelve? It's bed time! Rachel, are you dead in a ditch? Rachel, are you drunk off your ass? Rachel, are you shooting up heroine? RACHEL!!! Home by 8? That's late! Rachel! You are worrying your mom and dad! Don't live your life! We want you here at home!"

Back the fuck off. If it were up to you, my only social life would be church and the women with disabilities art work shop. I don't give a fuck that you worry, worry, worry. I am not going to live my entire life, bogged down by the fact that if I do certain healthy, normal things, my parents will worry. Back the fuck off and grow up.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Innercept. Innercept cages you in, treats you like a baby, so eventually, you end up acting like a baby. You become desperate for each other approval. Dependent on others, and their tactics backfire. It breeds criminal misconduct. And then, everyone leaves, and is sent off to prison.

This is how it goes.

Antipsychotics and Innercept: Partners in Fornication

The main, or one of, the reasons I despise Innercept is the culture of prescription drug use.

Ask any resident what medication they are taking. They are on a cocktail of different drugs: uppers, downers, in betweeners, antidepressants, antipsychotics, and the like. The common demoninator is the antipsychotic. Risperdal, Seroquel, abilify, invega, geodon, zyprexa. One of those.

Why do people go to Innercept? Why, a variety of reasons. These medications are used mainly for bipolar disorder or psychotic disorders. Most people at Innercept aren't there for these reasons. A lot of people are. But not most people who take these medications at Innercept.

Dr. Ulrich prescribes them for depression or general mood flattening. He read an article one day in People magazine about how sometimes, atypical antipsychotics work for depression. He decided to build his life around that idea by incorporating it strongly into his treatment center.

I know how these drugs work. They lessen the dopamine synaptic response in most places of the brain. In some rare places, there may not be enough. In these places, they increase it just a smidge. They also increase the synaptic response of a neural transmitter responsible for general feelings of malease.

So basically what it boils down to is, in some patients, who have extreme, suicidal, dark, dreary, horrible, homicidal moods, it will lighten it up a bit, because they have severe lack of dopamine. In normal patients, whose depression is caused by general but non-sinister dreary bad moods, it worsens it severely.

When these patients say they are not happy, Dr. Ulrich chalkens it up to the underlying condition and them not knowing there own bodies. On the outside, he sees they are not acting out as much, and thinks it must be do to less dark intrusive thoughts.

Another thing Dr. Ulrich believes is that antipsychotics aid the brain and produce a general state of well-being amongst the troubled. This is evident in the way it improves psychosis. In general, it improves thought clarity, which is an all around bonus, even in those who don't have unclear thoughts to begin with. He also believes prescription medication aids with the ability to control your own thoughts, as in medication. He also believes it improves the ability to communicate properly.

These are things my guides say he believes subconsciously. Consciously, he just says, he notices a general improvement in patients who take these medications, based on their ability to hold a conversation and not have thoughts that are all over the place.

Dr. Ulrich believes that if you come to Innercept, you should be on an antipsychotic. He looks down upon the patients who aren't on antipsychotics.

Antipsychotics worsen a whole host of conditions, including Parkinson's and other dopamine related issues like tourette's syndrome. They worsen ADD too, suicidal thinking when it is less severe, OCD, and Asperger's.

That's why some people might say, Innercept should go out of business.

Why Religion is Fun

So I find it odd how people act about religion. People hate it. Actually, I don't find it odd, because I understand it. It's not so much the funny beliefs. It's the rules. No sex. No adultery. Burn in hell if you do this, or that. Be a little goody two-shoes bitch.

The funny thing is, that's not the way it works. You interpret religion anyway you want to interpret it. No, not really. But you interpret it how you interpret it.

To me, the bible doesn't say shit about sex. No wait, it does. It says, sex is normal, but ideally, you should treat it with caution, because fucking around too much with people can fuck things up.

So that's what I do. I have given up fucking around too much.

The bible never says anything about drugs, that I know of. I don't know the bible very well, though. But Jesus does enjoy the occasional, or very frequent, glass of wine. Very much so. Also, a pillar of mysticism is that you should do some cautious experimentation with illicit drugs, preferably hallucinogens.

As for the other rules, they are fun to follow. No stealing. Love thy neighbor. Those ones are easy. Forgiveness, baby. I like to think I am good at that.

So I enjoy the goody-two shoes lifestyle. I am clean of the drugs I used to be addicted to. I feel love for the people I like, which is most people I know. I am a good person. I do God's work. I am a servant of God.

Because that's what being religious is about. Being part of God's army. Feeling righteous, and being righteous at the same time. Having a mission, a place in the world. Knowing that God cares about you.

Another thing is fun is too proudly wear a cross necklace, so everyone knows. A lot of people are turned off by it, but fellow Christians will look at you and think, well, she's a good person and someone I'd like to know. Even non-Christians might think, she's a good person but not someone I'd like to know, necessarily. Depending.

It is true that not everyone thinks highly of the morals of all Christians. Some Christians are nasty. But when you see someone wearing a cross necklace, you automatically think holy, righteous person. Subconsciously.

Some concepts that are fun to think about when you are religious are the power of God, the power of the holy spirit, and the power of holiness and virtue in general.

And then sometimes when you are bored, you can pull out your bible and start reading. The bible is a fun, fun book. No, I don't take all the stories literally. In fact, I think a lot of the so called "miracles" are merely hyperboles. But there are fun concepts, fun stories, fun things about the bible. That's what I like about the bible. It's a fun book.

Another secret is, guys dig it too. A lot of guys do, seriously, even if they are not religious themselves. No, they don't want you to preach to them, or have you drag them to church, or convert them, or anything. They will talk about it with you though. But the thing is, there is an automatic association with good, Christian girls and sex.

It's not true of all guys, but true for some. Some guys dig the bad girl image. A lot of guys prefer the good girl image. Because they have a strong desire to defile and desecrate goodness. Not taint it, just defile it.

But that's not the reason I'm religious at all, that's just something I was thinking right now. It's a secret I am sharing with you, not for any particular reason.

Great Friends and People

So, what I wanted to talk about today... Is the fact that I have good friends. Very, very good friends. I love all the people I consider friends very, very much. Because they are all great people whom I appreciate.

Great people are attracted to me, and I am attracted to great people. Not in a sexual way, obviously. Just in general. A general rule of thumb is, like-minded people attract like-minded people. I am a positive, emotionally healthy, spiritually aware people. I attract people on the same wavelength, or similar wavelengths.

My sister is a negative person. I like her a lot. Very much so. But whenever I see her, she is bitching about something in her life. She tells me about all these very negative encounters she has with other people. She meets people, and they are like the worst people ever.

Which makes me wonder, why are the people who always talk to me the best people ever? I don't have any people like that in my life. The only people that enter my life that I don't really like are the people who come up and talk to me when I am standing on street corners, or somewhere random, and want my number. So I think, hey, I can use a new friend... Then I get to texting, and lose interest because they do something like ask for sexy pictures, or just appear uninteresting.

Some good people have leeches. This is a completely different phenomenon. They are positive people, but they attract people who feed off their positivity. I don't have leeches. My guides tell me it is something in their aura.

Erik is a great guy. My mom hates him. I remember one of the reasons. We ate dinner together one time, the three of us. My mom said something about public school, and he made a face. That was it, a face. He is homeschooled. He doesn't like the idea of public school. Big deal. But according to my mom, you could see the sociopath in his eyes when he made that face. She thought he was a sociopath, and she hardly knew him at all.

The thing I hate more than anything else is that at the time I knew better, but than a few months later I came down with a case of misconstrued ideas and funny reasoning abilities, and I decided it was true and accused Erik of being a sociopath. I knew better, but the thing that was getting at me was that he is incredibly arrogant and I got the impression that it was ever so slightly socially isolated, though my guides tell me that isn't true. I believed it at the time, though. I am mad at myself for ever thinking/doing this because I knew better, very much so, I was just in a weird space. He is very, very caring. And my mom says, "well he is manipulative." That in a nutshell is why I hate my mom.

Another great person I met one day was Larry. He was this big black guy I met downtown. I was upset because I had a date and he stood me up. I walked out of Starbucks, and Larry walks up to me and says, "Excuse me miss, your beauty is a duty." I'm actually not sure that's how it happens, but that's how he always tells the story. He cheered me up big time, and is one of my favorite people I know in real life, though I haven't talked to him since January. My mom wondered about him, because he always hung out downtown but didn't live there, and forbid me from going downtown. I think she thought he was some sort of sex trafficker praying upon me. I knew better. There are tell tale signs of things like that. I knew he was a good guy, one of the conscious reasons was because of the way we would be standing somewhere and he would always say hi to people who pass. Not because he was being friendly, but because he actually knew quite a few people because he was a very social, well-known, positive individual. He was an extremely fun person to be around. I feel confident that we will be friends later in life, but right now I am not in a place where we can actually actively be friends.

There are a lot of people I really, really love in the world. Friends, current or former/future. Famous people. I love right-wing commentators. They are entertainers. They say things in effort to shock people, because that's their job and what they do best. They exaggerate immensely. I am talking about people like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. I appreciate both these people. Ann Coulter is funny, I appreciate her style but disapprove of some of her tactics. The thing I disapprove of immensely is that she makes up facts in her books. Seriously. Not cool, not cool.

What it is is the opening of the heart chakra. It makes me love and appreciate people more.

I actually do like my dad a lot, I just disapprove of him sometimes. Not because of his beliefs, but because of his opinions on my mental condition sometimes.

People I Despise

First off, I don't despise very many people at all. Here is just a list of categories of people I look down upon, because I am in a loathing mood.

1. Women. I despise women. Not because women are at all bad (maybe it's my mom, hint hint). But I hate the women stereotypes. Shallow. Dumb. Always shopping. Obsessions with very particular beauty products. Weight obsessed. Food obsessed. Hating their bodies. Despising sex. Easily offended by mysoginistic stuff. Weak. Emotional. Supersticious. Really dumb, believing in things like astrology and numerology. That's the worst one.

2. Work Out Fanatics. YAY!!!! I spent 5 hours at the gym today!!! GO ME!!! YAY!!!! Let's sit around and google work out tips and calorie facts all day long!!! I am a health nut!!! All I care about is my weight!!! Time to go to the gym for the second time today!!! I am on a roll!!!

I know, I know, I know. The reason I hate this one is because it used to be me, and still sometimes is to a lesser extent than it used to be. It is easy to get ferociously obsessed with fitness. It's not a good thing, baby. It's not a good thing. It's bad for your body to work out all the time. YES, IT IS!!! It's bad for your mental health too. People of the opposite sex don't dig it. You are shallow. You lack emotional depth. Your lives are meaningless. The thing I hate the most is when you are in it, you think you are doing so, so well. But you are not.

3. Bipolar People. This is a mean one. I don't have any problem at all with bipolar people themselves. But I have a problem with the notion of what bipolar people are supposed to become. They have to submit to taking their daily antipsychotics. Then, become morbidly obese because the medications leave them with insatiable hunger. They get acne all over their faces. Their lives lack luster, as the medications dull their moods. They live a dull, dreary existence.

4. Atheists. This one is too easy. "Tough luck baby, I know you want to believe you are more than just a meaningless blob of molecules, but, tough, both you and I know you ain't, so quit denying it." No, that's not what I believe, because I know better. You don't understand what I believe because you don't know my life. I understand what you believe. I believed that when I was younger, when I was too young to know better. The other thing I hate is when people say they used to believe in God or the supernatural, but as you get older, you begin to realize this stuff isn't true. And they say it like it is a universal statement. Sorry bitch, not true for me, not true for most people. Quite the opposite.

5. Evangelicals. I enjoy them very much. But they lack a fucking clue. You don't convert anyone standing on street corners spewing propaganda. It sounds good to you, but do you know how it sounds to the people you are spewing to? Ignorant as all fuck. Everything you say sounds horribly deluded. You are so far out of the ball park of what normal people relate, you sound like a fucking idiot. Try perusing and arguing on an online chat forum to get an idea of what normal/painfully dumb but in sync with reality people believe.

6. Gamers. I hate the idea of people who sit around and play computer games all day. The reason is... That's what I used to do!! Do something meaningful with your life that doesn't leave you feeling useless. Save it for every once in awhile. Creative projects.

7. Adderall Junkies and the like. Actually, that's not what I meant. It's people who think, "IT'S OKAY BECAUSE A DOCTOR SAID SO ONE ONE ONE!!!" I remember reading online once, "well a doctor would probably prefer I took a prescription dose of adderall every day than smoke!" "WOW!!! Adderall really boosts creativity!!!" Sure it does, sweetheart. And sure, the doctor wouldn't know any better. But wait until you are 27, have dark spots in the mind where you are horribly embarrassed by things that didn't even you embarrass you a little, laughing your head off, over and over and over again, over things that should have been only funny the first time, showing early symptoms of Parkinson's disease (YES!), and having dull, dreary moods every times you are off the meds, or every evening when the drugs are wearing off. Yes, Adderall does all that, sweety. And I'm only 27. Just wait until you turn 40. I also hate people who thing SSRI's are okay because a doctor prescribed. Not quite as bad, but similar scenario.

8. Dumb Rap Artists and the People Who Listen To Their Music. My sister has CD's of this music, which she says she doesn't like but listens to in the car. Amelodic beats that drive me insane. Lyrics that talk about drinking, smoking dope, boobs, tush, sex. I don't mind when intelligent people sing about sex. I just hate it when dumb people sing about sex. It is the only thing they understand. And not very well. I don't have to say too much about this particular topic, though people understand.

9. People Who Bash Religion All The Time. Yeah bitch, you don't understand it. I got really sick of the God page on Facebook. I liked it, but it had annoying repetitive arguments about atheist superiority that got old and weren't true. In general, though. I don't use the same arguments other Christians use. Take the time to understand what I am saying before responding and assuming I am saying what you think most Christians say, Joey. I don't believe what you think I believe. I don't believe what you believe either. Religion is fun. It is what you make of it. It's not the whole, "Do this or burn!" like most people come to believe growing up in this world, what with the street corner people.

10. Body-Shamers. It's usually women. Men do it just as much, with women, but... they are more realistic, and have their reasons, usually. If they say a woman isn't attractive, it's because they don't find her attractive. For women, it's like, oh she's so fat... then I lose a few pounds... Oooh... she's SCARY skinny! I see it on the internet too. I used to receive newsfeed posts from this one site, which I never subscribed to, showing before and after pictures of women who had taken on exercise routines. First off, it was totally unrealistic, "Week one... Frumpy women. Week three... Total babe!" But anyway, a bunch of women responded, and they are like, she is SCARY skinny now! She looked much better before! And you are like, actually, she looked WAY better afterward! You people are just jealous! Anyway.

11. Slut Shamers. I hate teenage girls and women who are like, "Oh, that woman left the bar with a man! She is so like a total slut!" Get over it, prude. Mind your own business.

12. Bitchy Women. Women who think it's empowering to bitch people out because they deserve it. So they throw a hissy fit, not knowing the full story, or that they are the ones in the wrong. They operate under the assumption that there are too many dumb people in the world (which there are, and it's them), and that these people need to be shown a lessen. And bitching people out, insulting them and appearing like a raving lunatic is what strong women do.

My Mom

So, I would like to say, my mom bugs the shit out of me.

I live in a room upstairs in my parents house. It is not my room. It gets ravages by my mom on a daily basis. I am not allowed to have any supplements that were not prescribed by a doctor, or they get taken away by my parents.

I am sick of this. I don't give a fucking shit. So I buy some. Gingko biloba, with some others. Both my parents talk to me about it, lecture me, plead and cry. My mom, the nosy little bitch, found a receipt in my room. They told me those supplements were very, very alarming and could lead to a relapse. All of them.

Well, then I go to the naturopath, and he said the only one that could potentially interfere with my meds is the gingko biloba. What I took from it was, it probably wouldn't, but he wanted to err on the side of caution. The other ones didn't really matter. Which makes me wonder. Why did my parents make a big deal out of it? Because they wanted to. They want to think everything I am about to do is going to lead to my mental collapse.

It makes me a nervous wreck. I get nervous every time I hear either one of them near my room. Not anymore, but I did for awhile. Paranoia, paranoia. I don't even know what I'm scared of. Just stay the fuck out. I need my space. That room is my space. I don't need my mom coming in and picking up the floor. Like I give a shit if it is dirty. I clean out the dirty dishes, not on a daily basis, but in a timely fashion. So stay the fuck out.

I get annoyed when my mom tells the doctors my latest "relapse" was caused my excessive caffeine consumption and nicotine gum use. Fragile, fragile brain! No it wasn't. It wasn't a relapse. I'm a mystic, baby. I am so glad I finally have a word to describe what I am. Before I thought it was just a fun-filled splooge fest of paranormal/psychological experiences.

I will never be well enough to leave this house, according to what they think. I will acquire a menial service labor position, folding bedsheets or waiting tables, and that will be the living I make for the rest of my life. Excuse me, but I am way, way too intelligent for that, thank you very much. I am going to channel spirits, write books, do other things of an spiritual energetic nature, be famous, go far. I can't concentrate worth shit right now. I am not going to live off welfare for very long.

My mom gets pissed when I buy energy drinks. She thinks they will lead to some sort of relapse. Never have before, Beev. I have explained to her again and again. The only time when caffeine affected me negatively was when I was on Geodon. It was something about the way these two drugs interacted. I don't get that on the medications I am on now. And even so, an energy drink every so often didn't cause me any problems. It was only when I drank something like, say, an energy drink, a full pot of coffee, a couple cups of tea, a liter of mountain dew, and a diet coke. That was enough to cause some adverse reactions. That is my idea of extreme caffeine intake. Not one energy drink. And only on Geodon. I can drink all that now with no adverse reactions.

My favorite thing ever was when I dated the scientologist. That was my favorite thing ever. Not because I liked him a lot, which I did, I did, but because of the way it scared my mom. Here I was, in prescription drug paradise. Innercept, where there motto is, "When in doubt, overmedicate." Or "With each resident, medicate the shit out of them so they are too apathetic to complain about the shitty program." And everywhere you go, every coffee mug, stapler, hand-held razor, bathroom scale, pen, toothbrush, autobiographical account of Innercept, everything has a prescription drug name printed boldly on it. Like it is a walking, breathing advertisement for prescription drugs. And I was pissed about this. And I was dating a Scientologist, which freaked the shit out of both of my parents, especially my mom. "OH NOES!!!!111111one1111!! He might convince her she doesn't need to be heavily sedated all the time!"

And I loved the effect it had on her, because instead of making her angry, which it did, but she didn't react by getting angry. She reacted my getting worried, whiny, mopey, sad, self-pitying. It scarred her, it did. She didn't know what to do. So my parents pulled me out of the program (WOOT WOOT), took me home, let me do the fuck what I wanted. I got a much better psychiatrist, one that prescribes drugs, but hates to. And he said, "Hey, you are over medicated, over institutionalized, maybe you would do better if you weren't on so many fucking medications!"

So I went off some of the worrisome medications. Still, I liked the scientologist. We texted constantly. But my mom was still paranoid, paranoid, paranoid. Sure I read her email on occasion. Not anymore though. I see she leaves it up. I don't dare look. Not because I respect her or her privacy... because it is always nothing more than an upsetting reminder of everything I already know. No new information. But it depresses me to read that she still thinks that stuff. So I don't bother anymore.

Anyway, I read her email one day, last year, and I found out she was sneaking in to my room and reading my texts. I was upset for a number of reasons, one of them was the shall we say graphic nature of some of the texts I sent him... but also for the obvious reasons, I needed privacy.

Anyway, so we went back to Innercept to clean out my apartment in January of last year. And I was pissed about that, but I didn't say anything to my mom. And then we were having one last meeting with my so-called therapist, and at the end the hands me my journal, which I never gave her, it was my own private journal of stuff I didn't intend to share with anyone. Weird thoughts I had, mostly dreams, things that embarrassed me a little bit, but it was mostly just the manner in which I treated the journal, as a safe place where no one would judge the stuff I had to say. And I knew she had read it. Innercept found it in my room, gave it to her, and she read it.

I actually have gotten over hating her for it. All the way, all the way. I know her on the spiritual plane and like her. A lot. I realize now that it wasn't her fault, it was the fault of other people at Innercept. Someone found it in my room, gave it to her, and told her to read it. Because at that point, at home, I was overtaken by a heavy bout of mysticism, and was acting funny, and they wanted to make sure I had no plans of self-harm, and was taking no drugs. Which is not a good excuse. That does not waive my right to privacy.

Anyway, I found this out, and I wanted to scream. So there were these two things together, at the same time. My mom, and Lea. So I am standing at my apartment, while my parents are helping me clean it out... and I suddenly go into an altered state of rage. I don't have anger problems, I don't get angry very often. But when I do get angry... Man, I have problems. And now I was angry. So I go into an altered state, and start charging at my mom, with a malice in my eyes, holding my arms in a threatening fashion... like I was about to attack her. And I thought I was going to, until I got right up to her and my inhibitions started to take control. But I could see the fear in her eyes. I scared the crap out of her. And she asked me what was wrong, and I told her. You read my texts. You have no right to do that.

Anyway, that's what happened. Both my parents hate the scientologist. My mom is more traumatized by it. The thing that bugs me about it is, my mom thinks everything about me is ever so fragile. Like, this guy is going to come and change my firmly held beliefs about everything. Here I was, calmly accepting I have a mental illness, and wanting help, calmly accepting that I needed to be on medication for the rest of my life. And in comes the scientologist, and warps my view of the world, and my mind is so fragile, I can't hold my own in any of these situations.

I never really believed it was a mental illness. But there comes a point when you are like, if that's not what it is, then why the fuck did all this stuff happen, for no apparent reason? I couldn't see a reason, at the time. I never thought the medication helped. But there comes a time when you relax and submit, submit to the daily raping in the mouth, anus, and vagina.

There have been other times where my mom refuses to let me do things, see people, because she is worried that they might warp my fragile view on reality. Psychics and the like. Because they always say, ahhh, your mental state if fine. You have had some spiritual things happen to you. That's what Renee said. *Gasp!* That's what Renee said! But here I go not remembering things correctly, because Renee is my mom's trusted psychic, and everything she says is true.

I don't even want to get into that though. The whole issue with psychics and this.

My mom takes pleasure in worry. That's why I don't like her. She needs to get my mind off me. I told her once, it's okay to worry about yourself for a change. There is a lot to worry about there.

Atheist Perspectives

So, my last atheist post made it big on reddit. I was overjoyed when I discovered this. Finally, my work would get notice.

I figured it meant something. I had an opinion on the matter of God that was a tad bit different from what they were used to hearing. That's why it got noticed.

Then come the comments. This is what I am talking about with the atheist idea of intellectual superiority. Let me first say, not all of them were bad. I appreciate people taking the time to comment, to give me something to comment on, but most of all, to give me an idea of what atheists would think of this post. None of their opinions sway me at all in my opinions. But, it was fun.

Then we get the arrogant atheists. They tell me not to write stuff like this on the internet again. Excuse me, this is the internet. I can write whatever the fuck I want to on my blog.

Now, a tangent. I want to respond to the guy whom I told I just make things up and write them here. It should be common knowledge that I am not an authority on most things I talk about here, what I come up with are theories. Writing this blog is an intellectual and spiritual process. It's a space for thinking. I don't believe all the things I say here. Some of them are tongue in cheek. Most of them are not, though, but this is not a scientific blog so you don't come here expecting hard facts. You come here expecting my insightful opinion on such matters.

Anyway, the ones that annoy me, kind of, the atheist remarks, are the ones about humans being nothing but matter. Now, I know better. I know there is spiritual energy. I know the way tai chi effects me. When I first started doing it, after each practice I was left with this phenomenal solid feeling. Tai chi is horrible exercise, not strenuous at all, hardly even exercise. However, it does something else. It's an amazing practice for those who need it. I can feel the movement of the chi.

And I know what atheists will say, oh, it was something else about your body's physiological response to the exercise, it was psychological. However, I get an inkling from it that's not the case. I know I wasn't expecting it to do this. I know it wasn't a normal physiological response to exercise. It was something else entirely, and it was something amazing. So, I get an inkling that there is more to it than that. It involves spiritual energy.

I also believe it from the way homeopathy sometimes effects me. I can feel the effects immediately afterwards, or while I am taking a homeopathic remedy. Of course, atheists will say the same thing, it is psychological. But it isn't. There you go.

So I get sick of the bleak atheist view. The view that we as people don't matter. Sure, we don't matter a lot. There are so many of us, what does a single one matter? More like, the concept of people. Why did all of this amazing stuff come about from the simple bleakness of atoms?

I am losing my train of thought. I have more to say on this topic.

Atheists Have Another Jesus

So, I would like to take another moment to speak fruitfully about atheists. Atheists have their perks. They aren't as dogmatized as the religious folk. But they think blindsidedly about how things aren't really because they don't know that some things aren't what they want to think they are.

The idea of God. This is the concept atheists don't get. They think an old man in the sky, with no explanation whatsoever, he just does everything. Why did this happen? God did it. Why did the Earth come into existence? God wanted it. Why are we here? God did it.

It is an anthropomorphized concept, making God an old man in the sky. Just like we anthropomorphize the wind, the rain, the mountains, the rivers, everything, in some religions. That's what religion is. That was what I used to think to, until I got smart and realized that wasn't what it is about.

The belief in God is about the belief in consciousness. It is like saying, what sets us apart from this rock here? What sets us apart from that star out there? What sets us apart from that meteor, or inanimate object.

We have consciousness.

What is consciousness? Atheists don't like to think about it. A meaningless construct of the human brain that serves evolutionary purposes.

I say, that spark of consciousness is something more than that. It goes beyond the DNA of human beings to be an all encompassing, very powerful concept that is more important than anything else in the universe.

And I would go so far to say, that spark of consciousness, any spark of consciousness, self-awareness, not a human, not a mammal, not anything like that, pure consciousness, essence, spirit, was there at the creation of the universe, and helped will the universe into existence.

Because it is that important, consciousness is. It is real, it is good, it is everything. Without it, there is nothing.

That is all God is to me. No, you're right, it's not, but that's all the atheist/theist argument is to me. I don't give a shit about the Christianity argument. It was right for me. I'm not going to try to force it on anyone else anymore. Because I don't believe it is right for everyone. But I don't believe the universe is lifeless matter, lacks essence, and that we should exalt the dead, barren physical over the things that actually matter, which are the things that think and feel. That's the twisted, wonky atheist reasoning.

You're stardust, man. You're stardust. You are nothing but physical atoms.

That's what I hear day in and day out from atheists and I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. What a funny world you live in where you tell yourself you don't matter, only the things you can touch with your hands do. And that's all I have to say about that.

Organ Meat Christianity and Some Other Things Like Friendly Intelligent Happy Things

So, I wanted to discuss the topic of Christian persecution.

People say, Christian persecution is a myth. Atheists say this. Because atheists like to think that they are the ones that are persecuted.

Sure, they are. But not as much as Christians are.

Atheists get blindsided. At the bus stop, people come up to them, handing them pamphlets, saying, convert or burn in hell! Jesus loves you! You are a heathen! BAAAHHH!!! You are rotten atheist scum and you need to repent repent repent!

And so atheists j abble bitterly about this, and they forget. They forget that they do the same thing to Christians. They say things like, oh, the bible says this, the bible says that. Follow exactly what the bible says because you are supposed to do. That is what you are taught in bible school.

Yeah, Mr. Atheist Fucker, you don't understand the bible. You don't have to follow the bible exactly to be Christian.

I don't tell you how to do your job, you don't tell me how to do mine.

I actually follow my own rules entirely. I don't care what the bible says. I am Christian, I enjoy Buddhism, the dark arts, philosophy, new age philosophies, enlightenment, everything. It is all part of my wonderful, wonderful path.

No one cares what an old book says. It is not about the old book. It is just a book of inspiration. It is not like, you do all this or you go to hell. Those are just the crazy street corner raving lunatics. We don't like them. I enjoy them. But I don't like them. You don't convert anyone that way.

And honestly, you aren't going to hell if you are not Christian. There is no hell. There are things like hell. But no one is damned to hell. Christianity is just part of my spiritual path.

Atheists think they are being smart by pointing out, hey, you don't follow the food rules!! BLAHH MEY EYE OH MEY EYE OH MEOOOW WONK!!!! And they laugh and say, haha the jokes on you! The food rules are over, man. There was a spiritual energy shift. Everything in Leviticus is obsolete! But you don't know this unless you actually know anything about the religion, which atheists don't, they just feel smart lecturing people on thing they know nothing about.

That's why I hate atheists. Not all atheists. Just pathetic atheists. You think you are so smart. Nope. You are not. PEOW!!

And then on the other hand, we have the people saying, well Fundamentalist Christianity and Fundamental Islam are practically the same thing.

Yeah, what with the Sharia law, stoning women to death for being raped, Female Genital Mutilation, general horrible mistreatment of women, and all the bombings and shit. Yeah, occasionally a Christian bombs an abortion center. Same thing, man. Same thing.

Yeah, I wonder about some people.

Psychics and Charlatans

So I wanted to take a moment to discuss the charlatan aspect of the psychic profession.

Many a psychic is a charlatan. Many a charlatan is not a psychic. Because if you are a charlatan, you are not psychic.

It is true, what they say about quackery in the field of psychics and the paranormal. People pretend, because they can. Because the people who talk to psychics sometimes tend to be trusting and gullible.

I was like this one time, one time far, long, way too long ago. Back when I had misconstrued ideas and was in an altered gullible state. At least that's what someone told me, someone I love very, very much, one of my spirit guides. Being delirious makes you extra gullible.

Charlatans tend to hide online and on the psychic hotlines. There are real ones there, not very good ones, not ones worth talking to... and then there are those that just completely fudge everything and take a long time, trying to draw every last nickel and dime out of you.

But, however, as my spirit guides informed me, usually psychics who have there own practice, they are usually not charlatans. However, sometimes they are something else entirely. They are mediums. Mediums who do not know who they are talking to when they channel.

I have this problem, all the fucking time when my body gets off balance. I start trying to channel, and they start telling me something off... not necessarily though, sometimes they try their best but then I am like wait a minute, that sounds off. Then I realize I may not be talking to who I want to be talking to. So I ask. "Do you know what you are talking about?" "This is someone who does not know." They always tell me that. However, right now my guides are telling me they are not required to tell me that, and I think I remember in the past they have not always. Usually, there is something off about it when I am not talking to the right one.

Some of these psychics, however, often times channel unsavory spirits. Like Renee, my mother's trusted beloved psychic. She channels bad spirits. She doesn't know it. She gets enough right to make her well known.... but if she worked hard on figuring out who she is actually talking to... maybe she could be better, instead of giving my mom crappy advice all the time which she does not take with a grain of salt, because a psychic said it, and if a psychic said it, it is true.

Celebrity psychics are always real psychics. If they make it that far, it means they have a gift. Period. Sylvia Browne had some unsavory elements to her.... and she didn't always channel correctly either. Like, I read in her book that she said spontaneous human combustion happens when you get too much phosphorus in the body. My guides told me that what they probably meant to say was that something could happen if you get a shit, shit load of phosphorus in the body, like you suddenly took to scarfing boxes and boxes of matches. But that has never happened before. Ever. People who have claimed to witness spontaneous human combustion are lying. It is not real. It is not real. It is not real.

But that is normal, all in a day's work for a psychic. There are miscommunications. It is a difficult form of communication, mediumship. Kind of like communicating with aliens. We speak a similar base language, but that's not English.

I was talking to Matthew yesterday. He told me he didn't believe that Sylvia Browne was real, because she told someone that she thought someone was dead when they were actually still alive. Well, big whoop. It comes with the territory. You get an inkling. It could be correct or incorrect. You pick up on energy. Sylvia isn't a good psychic for work in that field. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone gets more than a few things wrong from time to time.

My guides lie to me all the time, actually. They say it's for my own good. Sometimes they are just joking, like they choose a funny explanation over the real one, with questions that don't really matter at all, and then when I bring it up later they tell me the truth.

But anyway, what I was saying was, there are a lot of misconceptions about psychic abilities. One is that they should always be 100% accurate. Like, it is some sort of authoritative ability with the all-knowing power of God. I kind of hate it how they act like psychics are supposed to be all-knowing.

Guides lie. You talk to someone else's guide, sometimes they sugar coat, or don't tell you the entire story to protect their "client." More often than not though, guides just don't know. They don't know everything. They are just spirits. They know some things. They will give you an educated guess. A very educated guess sometimes. But, they don't really know about a lot of things.

Psychic abilities are real, bitch. They are not always correct. Charlatans exist. Bad psychics exist. You take it with a grain of salt.

Satan and Adderall: Partners in Business

So, first I'd like to say that Satan is alive and well in society in many ways. Whether you take that as figurative, literal, or some funny combination of the two.

Satan called out to me the day I started doing Adderall. He said to me, Rachel, you are happy now. Ridiculously, ludacrously happy. No more pain. No more unpleasant feelings. I know this is a drug. I know they warned you not to do drugs. I know you know there is really no distinction between prescription drugs and street drugs. Your parents don't know that. But Rachel, everything is okay. All you have to do is take this pill and you will be happy for the rest of your life.

So at first, it was grand. I was happy. I became emaciated. I didn't have to worry about eating too much. Happy, happy, happy. Life couldn't be better.

Well, that was at first. Life slowly started to sink in. There were letdowns. Coming off it. My mom would be horrified if she knew how intense the highs and lows of this drug are.

But it took several years before Satan really started to screw me over. First came the dark spots. The humiliation. Every little thing I had ever done was horribly, horribly humiliating. So let's freak out already. Every moment, every day. Freak out about it. I got relief when I took the Adderall.

After awhile, the high doesn't last very long. Maybe an hour out of every day. And it's not a high anymore. Just normal, everyday good funny weird happy feelings. After that, I felt empty and depressed. Life lacked zest.

Then came the pill thievery. The trying to get more, and more, and more. I didn't care where I got it. I just wanted it. Because, I thought, it was that good. I couldn't enjoy life without it.

So, it would have continued to get worse, and worse, and worse. Oh, and I forgot the paranoia too. There was also paranoia.

But things are okay now. Angels rescued me. My spirit guides. WWWOWOOWOWOW!!! And here is where my mom says, SHE IS DELUDED!!!K!!KJO!JO@!! She's not psychic! She's talking to herself! Talking to herself!

WEIREHNIREJIRJEIRJEI!!!

I don't know if people understand that I was a drug addict. I am a recovered drug addict, bitch. Not recovering. Recovered. I don't want that shit anymore. Sure, dopamine production is still not at its peak. But I wouldn't go back to that shit ever. EVAR!!!!!

So there we go. That's it. Satan comes and tells you, forget what you know about drugs. Drugs are good. Feel this. It's good. Everything is a happy gumdrop lollipop fairytale. Just take this pill every day.

And then he fucks you over, slowly but surely.

Don't fall for it. Don't think that just because a doctor prescribed it, it's okay. Avoid that shit. And for the drug addicts. Energy rebalancing, baby. Energy rebalancing.

The Atheism Delusion

So I enjoy the whole God debate. I really do.

One the one hand, you have the theists, you can't perceive of how this world got here without the existence of a divine creator. And then they pull the argument, "well you can't prove god doesn't exist!"

On the other hand, we have the atheists, who's understanding of the argument of the divine is limited, and think that people pull the "well God did it" in argument to fill in their own gaps of ignorance.

I get sick of each side.

Personally, I don't think the idea of God is a filler for the absence of logic.

The most powerful, important thing in the world is consciousness. If there were no consciousness, what do you have? Well, you have atoms, and particles, and waves and neutrinos. But what is all that if no one is around to perceive them?

They don't exist. They don't exist. They don't exist.

If there is no experience, that's it. They don't exist. It's like the tree falling in the forest. Does it make a sound? Nope. No one hears it. No sound exists. If no one experiences the universe, it is null and void. It might as well not exist. In fact, it doesn't really exist.

These atheist folk, they try hard to rid themselves of the idea that they are the center of the universe. In a way, we are... But that's not the point. They don't think that, because it sounds wrong. Atheists value humility. It is the number one thing atheists value.

Consciousness is a product of the human brain, a human construct. So is physical space, but they don't think that way. You can touch physical space. Things you can see and touch are usually real.

Therefore, they don't want to think that it is in any way shape or form important. It is wonderful, to be sure. But not important.

Wait a second, that's not how they think! It's not wonderful. It's normal. Mundane. Stupid. Pathetic. Something not to even think about. A careless byproduct of the faulty human brain.

So they don't want to think there was a conscious component in the creation of the universe, because that's too heliocentric. I'm not even talking about a Christian God. Just a conscious force. Because they have consciousness, and they don't want to attribute any human characteristics to the universe, since humans are petty, small, insignificant. It is our animalistic, anthropomorphic nature that does this.

Consciousness is not necessarily a human characteristic. It merely means something which is aware, which perceives, which experiences.

The number two atheist value is material things. They like things they can touch. Look at. Feel with their hands. Think about on a physical plane. They like to think that the universe is physical. That it was created by physical means. Everything is physical.

Consciousness is not physical. And so they say... But it is! I can touch the neurotransmitters with my hands!

Can you touch ideas? Emotions? Can you touch happiness? Can you touch sadness?

These are apple/orange ideas. They argue that consciousness is physical. Some do, at least. Because they know this is a shady area, these atheists. This is where things get abstract, and there is no abstract word to describe exactly what consciousness is.

Words are abstract. Concepts are abstract. Thoughts are abstract.

But what about Venn Diagrams? Venn diagrams represent concepts on a physical plane, where they can be touched with your fingers.

Maybe your brain is just a series of Venn diagrams, encoded in a language Earthlings can understand.

And I go off on a tangent.

Luckily, I know better. You can't touch an abstract feeling. What is pain? Is pain a physical item? Is it a particle? A wave? A neutrino?

It is an energetic state.

But you can't pinpoint exactly what it is that experiences pain. It is only one part of you that experiences, one part that thinks.

That is you. The true you. The one and only you.

You are what matters.

So maybe, what is more likely, all the atheist jabble about the big bang? OR DELUSIONAL BELIEFS?

Maybe you are delusional. Maybe nothing exists, except this delusion you have, which doesn't really exist either because it's fake. Maybe you are just an unconscious speck of consciousness dreaming of a pixie earth land, where you meet other souls, experience pain and pleasure, and dream about this concept of the big bang!!

It's not really hard to imagine, but no one wants to think that. Because their brain wants to think that other people exist too, simply because it is hardwired to. It is hardwired to think the universe is physical. It is hardwired to think the physical matters. It is hardwired to think other humans exist, just like you, and have consciousness. You don't question this, these are the facts, man. Dissenters are laughed at. And we are hardwired to think there is a soul in there doing the laughing.

What I am saying is, most Christians, and atheists, both, have childish beliefs. Everyone thinks within a box. What really exists? The thing doing the experiencing? Or the thing that is experienced?

What exists? You? Or the universe?

Why, the thing that is experienced surely exists! Why would I experience it if it didn't exist? I can't rely on the fact that I experience, that doesn't mean I exist!

If it were a choice between one or the other, atheists think the think that is more real is the universe. Because they experience it.

It is all childish jibber jabber. Everyone thinks within a box. We all think within a box. You can't know. YOU CAN'T KNOW. Atheists, you aren't as smart as you think you are. I know you think you are hot stuff, figuring out that Christians have crappy arguments. Doesn't take a genius, smarty pants. But you're views are childish.

Exactly. I was an atheist as a child. Seemed logical, using my childlike logic. Then, I grew up. My logic matured. Now I see through that. It's not my fragile brain can't fathom a universe without a god. I can. Leaves more unanswerable questions than anything. So does the God argument. But unlike you, I acknowledge that consciousness is a more powerful concept than you can ever seem to imagine.

So go ahead and laugh, atheists. Laugh at my crappy arguments.

God Doesn't Love You

So I notice there is this common sentiment amongst the Christian community that God loves you just the way you are. He doesn't care if you are black, white, hispanic, asian, albino, whatever. He loves you despite your faults, your weaknesses, your transgressions. He loves every single one of you.

Bull. Shit. Well, part of that is true, actually. He doesn't care what race you are. He hates you for who you are.

Chances are, God doesn't love you.

I am sick of this sappy, lovey-dovey, effervescent deity imagery. God is great, sure. But he is not sappy. He doesn't love everyone. Sure, he likes a lot a people. He loves some really awesome people who strike his fancy. He doesn't like the sucky people, the mean people, the stupid people, the dull people.

This is all a ploy from the egotistical, stupid, mean, vast majority of the population. They want to think they can do mean things, think mean thoughts, picket abortion centers, attend sexy ecstasy parties, run rampant, spit on people, be nasty, blithering, pieces of shit, and no matter what they do, GOD STILL LOVES THEM! God is unconditional love! THANK GOD FOR GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

Well let me tell you something, pea brains. If you suck, God doesn't love you. If you rape that baby, God doesn't love you. If you spew that dim-witted atheist rhetoric, God doesn't love you.

God hates militant atheists, agnostics, and Christians. God hates mean-spirited people. If you are stupid, even if you think you are smart and making a coherent argument, God sees through that bullshit. He hates you for the wretched scum of the Earth you are.

God doesn't hate gay people. Sure, he hates some gay people. But he doesn't hate them BECAUSE they are gay. He made them that way. He hates them when they are lousy people.

God hates hippies. Lousy creatures who drive low gas mileage, parade around the Saturday markets, smoking dope, low lives. There are better ways to help the planet.

So chances are, God doesn't love you. Chances are, God dislikes you though. He might even hate you. He might like you. He might love you. But don't count on God loving you. Jesus will love you no matter what, because he is God's gory sappy side. But don't bother praying to him. Or anyone. Count on the people who care about you.

I'm sick of these people. God loves everyone, equally. They don't want to think that God plays favorites. They don't want to think that the person who matters prefers their happy, virtuous neighbor over them. Well let me tell you something. He can and does. Because God is a badass. Not a sappy man on ecstasy.

If you want unconditional love, go to a rave. That's the closest you will come. Unconditional love is a pipe dream. You don't deserve unconditional love, you big loon. Unconditional love is a pipe dream. The only person you feels that way is your mother. And she still secretly considers you her helpless little bundle of joy.

God knows you. He doesn't love you. He abhors the crap out of you. So stop whining to Him about your problems. Chances are, he doesn't listen. He's not going to change His Divine Plan just because you told him to. Quit whining, quit praying, and get up on your hooves and do something about it! And quit smoking dope while you're at it.

Love,
The Spirit Girl
AKA God's Favorite


EDIT: I'm not trying to be mean by saying this I'm just stating the facts. God's personality is more Old Testament. What I'm trying to say is, you shouldn't care what God thinks because his opinion of you isn't as important as you think. Different strokes for different folks. Being mean to those who deserve it isn't a bad thing. It's actually a good thing.

More pills, More Problems

So, I asked my mom what it was she thought that Innercept had done for me.

Well, that's an easy one, darling. They educated you on your condition!

Ha!  Ha! HA!! HAHA!! What a laugh. No, they didn't Beev. I was never educated on any conditions at Innercept. Not my bipolar disorder, my schizophrenia, my body dysmorphic disorder, my OCD, my tourrettes, my anorexia, my narcolepsy. None of those. No education! No education! NO EDUCATION WHATSOEVER!.

I'll tell you what I was educated on. Collusion. The problems with beating things up to relieve aggression. How to smuggle tea and crumpets in to stable. Boring, worthless things I zoned out. Videos on quantum physics. Stupid videos. The Miracle Worker. Never a dull moment at Innercept, that's not for sure. But no mental illness education.

But that's all right. That's okay. You just keep thinking that, Beev. If it makes you happy, you keep thinking it. Because I know it doesn't mean a thing to you that I say they didn't teach me shit. What would I know after all? I'm the one with bipolar disorder! I can't tell left from right, up from down, or manic from suicidal depression. We know that information's in there, Rachel. That wisdom that Innercept bestowed upon you about your conditions! Your condition!

Be healthy! Have Fun! BAAAHHH!!!!! (HEAD EXPLODES). Whoops, inside joke.

So it makes my parents feel proud of themselves to think that Innercept helped me understand my condition, force-fed me urine samples, and now I can relax and be at ease with whatever shitty mind-altering substance anyone throws at me, knowing that it will help calm my "mental state." I'm sick of this bullshit.

No, no no no NO!! There was no education. I don't know a damn thing more about bipolar disorder than I knew at the beginning. Ups, downs, whatever. I don't need to know. I don't want to know.

I will tell me what Innercept did teach me. Interpersonal relationship skills. That's it. That's it. There groups don't mean shit. Therapy doesn't mean shit. I don't fucking know how therapy is supposed to work. Sitting there, talking to my therapist about the weather, a meaningless dream I had. Every. Single. Fucking. Session. What was I supposed to talk about? Issues that actually matter to me?

I'm not as fucked up as you think I am. I have nothing to say. If I said the things that mattered out loud, it makes the pain worse. Swiss cheese Adderall holes in my mind. Not my brain, my mind. Pockets where there are no happy neurotransmitters. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. That's what I keep telling myself. Don't think about that embarrassing moment that no one thought was even a big deal, small deal, or any sort of deal, and no one even remembers. Don't think about it and it will go away.

But they don't go away until I gave up adderall. So many problems I didn't have before being on the prescription medication.

All in all, Innercept is a freak show of idiots parading as doctors and power-hungry war mongerers parading as staff members. It is fun, in a way. I had a blast, in a way, when I wasn't being fucked up the ass. I am better off now than I was before Innercept. Sure, maybe I could have had an education instead of Innercept and be making a living. But fuck school, I can channel, I'm too cool to go back.

So that's it. That's the gist of it. The kids are pissed but the parents love it. And that's all I got to say.

Bed Wetting Fantasies and the Like

I remember back in the day when I was whisked away to the mental facility, with the police cars, ambulances, sirens, bunny rabbits, pistol-whipping rapper dudes, lollipops and sugar plum fairies and the like. The gentlemen said, "it's what college done to her, baby, she be missin' her parents and thunk too hard with the homework and all that. What she be needin' is her momma, I thunk."

Pow! Brain donk. It's this medication I'm on see, invega. It donks my brain every once in awhile and I get stuck in one place, one thought for what seems like an eternity. I call them brain donks. Stupid medication-induced brain damage. I curse thee.

Anyway, so I was pissed off. These doctors and my parents think that I couldn't handle the "stress of college." What stress? I was hardly studying at all. Anyway, I couldn't handle these "big thoughts" I was having. These big thoughts of moving out of my home. Time to slap a guardianship on me so I CAN'T move out even if I want to.

The reason I was pissed off was because I hate my fucking parents. Not really, but kind of. I hate them so badly it tears me up inside with fear and loathing and the agony of the post partum depression on the nightmares of bed-wetting and breast feeding and the like. I wanted to get the fuck away from those bitches. Now they are trying to tell me I lost my mind because I couldn't bear to part with those fuckers. What? What the? I punched those fuckers in the nuts. They are okay now, minus the shattered left testicle.

But I must persist. I must leave alone the thoughts of living alone in the world, on my own, happy and carefree, minus the worries of taxes and mortgages and bankrupties. I live with my parents. Happy and carefree, minus the worries of hangovers and finger nail polish and armed robberies and million dollar James Randi challenges.

So that's it. I'm done. My life is over. I have no means of making a living. I have no college degree, no job experience, nothing that can get me a career.

I guess I will have to fall back on the psychic abilities.

[abrupt ending]

Drug Free, that's me!

So I am going off Adderall, for life. No more of this bullshit drugs and horrible searing soul-shattering depression it causes to my soul.

I am sick of this drug addictedness I have. No one understands. Well you're a drug addict! That means  you shouldn't take that drug! Well actually, what it means is, I need this drug in order to feel okay, and not like a horribly depressed lump of dark coal, or even worse, an empty pool of nothingness. So I wait, and wait, and wait for my doctor to give me a new prescription. Then when I finally get a prescription for something close enough to Adderall, the insurance companies tell us that Adderall is cheaper so I should be on adderall instead and refuse to pay.

So I stew in darkness, and the desire to feel whole again, and I turn to alcohol and cough syrup to relieve the horrible searing depression. So my parents blame me, blame the alcohol, blame the drugs, send me to the hospital.

So anyway, I have done it. I have overcome the need to turn to drugs for my issues. I want off all of it. All the drugs. Even the Adderall.

I made a subconscious decision, after lack of proper sleep, I went to an altered state and told myself, no more drugs, no more drugs!

I SHALL BREAK FREE FROM THIS INSANITY OF ALWAYS NEEDING DRUGS TO FEEL OKAY WITH MYSELF! THIS SHALL END NOW!

I told myself, no more Adderall. No more artificial "happiness."

My body goes into internal turmoil as my adrenals go haywire, pumping out all this excess adrenaline. It's not agony, it is just very uncomfortable. A more acceptable anxiety than I'm used to. I'm sick of this house, the house that worships doctors, and prescription medication. The house that worships an ideal state of artificial happiness, who thinks there is nothing better in life than drugs, no they aren't drugs, they are "prescription medications!" These aren't "bad" drugs, like weed, coke, meth, and LSD! These are happy acceptable "healthy" drugs!

I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I want out. Not out as in suicide, like my parents would think if they read this, because they think like sick people. Always negative, always negative. Rachel's acting different, oh no! She must be suicidal, or teetering on the brink of insanity! Time to take her to the hospital and pump her full of "healthy" happy drugs!

No more adderall, to begin with. Adderall is the reason I am emotionally unstable, so fucking anxious, getting horribly, horribly embarrassed over things that aren't even embarrassing in the slightest. I am so fucking sick of being embarrassed all the time.

So I've done it. I made a subconscious decision. And my guides tell me, that's what you need to do and your body will return to normal and you will feel good again, dopamine production will start up again, you will feel happy, naturally happy, and not need those fucking stimulants to induce an altered state of manic depression.

So I'm done with these drugs. The only drug pushers in my life are my parents. They have pushed drugs on my from a very early age. Ritalin. Adderall. Lamictal. Abilify. Geodon, which is the cause of pretty much all of my brain damage (which the doctor will never say out loud!). Invega. Lithium. Ativan. Everything that fucks up my brain, my life, my emotions, and my happiness!

Good bye drugs! I am done! I AM DONE!!!!

WOO HOO!!!

Gender Roles and Awe

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my favorite topic. Sexuality!

So I'm actually a really, really big mysogonist. Which is funny, because I'm a girl! It's not that I hate women, or think they are inferior at all even. I just in general like men a lot better than women and not just in a sexual way.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how when I was a kid, I saw a lot of depictions of femininity on TV. Gender shit.

The man is depicted as dominant. He overpowers the woman. He is in charge. Or is he?

Like in the show I Dream of Jeannie. This particular show has very strong sexual connotations, even though there is no actual sex. There's a funny relationship here, where Major Nelson is the master. So he's in charge of Jeannie. But, Jeannie has magical powers! So who's in charge here? Who's really in charge here? This is actually kind of like a metaphor or something for sexuality and gender shit right here.

Which is superior? Femininity or masculinity? First off, men and women are equal. I am not arguing that at all. But, even though I prefer men over women, romantically and friendship-wise, Femininity is far superior to masculinity.

Men have dominance, in a way. A certain type of meaningless, unvirtuous dominance. Physical dominance. A very primitive sort of dominance. Femininity is actually way, way more sacred and holy. It's elusive and mysterious. It's way more valuable.

Men are in awe of this. Though, they are not actually jealous. And in a way, this concept is kind of similar to the Freudian idea of penis envy. I was making fun of this on my blog earlier. Women don't want to have a penis. God no! It's actually kind of funny in a way because men are so obsessed with their own penis that they think wow a woman must be jealous of this awesome powerful thing I have because the man himself is so fucking proud of it! And women say, hahahaha! That's your own masculine ego talking, it's really not as wonderful as you yourself think it is! But women do like that kind of thing though, so in a way it goes both ways. Women are in awe of the man's physical power, but men are in awe of the sacred, holy aspect of femininity. However, most people, MOST PEOPLE, obviously the ones who aren't are the transexual people, most people are wrapped up in living out the sex that they are and they aren't really jealous of the other gender. But, there is that feeling of awe.

So this goes both ways here. But, really, truly, I think femininity is better. Women carry children. That's really what it comes down to. And the whole idea of creating life in this way mysterious and beautiful and powerful, and in general more important than anything a man does.

So what women are taught is, they have the power. Really, they do. So naturally, the man wants to overpower the woman, and it is a demonstration of his feelings of being in awe over the woman's sacred magical thing that she has. And the man wants the woman to submit, to show that she is in awe over the man's physical prowess.

Anyway. Anyway. I like men better than women. BUT... I thought about it, and I realized, I think there is an elite group of women which is superior to all men and everyone else. Women who have the masculine spark. And I believe I am one of these women.