How I miss the dopamine. It is a wonderful chemical, which leads to concentration, fun, and the cherished ability to do goal-oriented stuff.
My parents don't understand the dopamine. They say, Rachel, you drink too much caffeine! You are going to overload and kill us all! Caffeine overconsumption! Caffeine overconsumption!
They say, no energy drinks. They kill your brain, make you MANIC! And you are already manic Rachel, look at all those funny hand motions you are making! Manic all the way!
I say, fuck off, Beev! Fuck off, Meeke! You know what I did earlier this year? Do you remember? I quit taking Adderall! And you know what Adderall does? It is far worse in terms of stimulants than energy drinks, BY FAR!!! Don't give me that crappy explanation, "oh, we don't know what all is in them!"
Well, we know what is in Adderall, and it is all bad. There is nothing worse in Rockstar than there is in Adderall. Adderall takes the bad drug cake. So I think a Rockstar a day is preferable to an Adderall a day. The other thing is, I used to do both! At the same time! And sometimes drink and smoke weed. But I don't do these things anymore. So, where are we going with this argument? Do you have some sort of point? Are you trying to say I am doing poorly in the drug department? I QUIT FUCKING ADDERALL!!! DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I WAS A DRUG ADDICT!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!!!!
WORSE THAN YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!
And of my own accord, with some help from the dreaded, horrific, imaginary spirit guides, I quit it!!
"She admits it! They are imaginary! There you go Rachel, you know your delusions aren't true!! You now it!!!"
They do not get it. I am a recovering drug addict to Adderall. They don't know about my past. They don't understand my internal dialogue about the drug, my addiction, my pheening (sp?) for the drugs, how awful, awful, awful it was when I was off it, all the things I would have done to get it... Yeah, I never bought it illegally, though. I guess I'm not a REAL drug addict.
So anyway, they do not understand that it is a major, major, MAJOR life change!! And to take it for granted. YES!!! THEY TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! 'Bout time, Rach!!!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! SOME CONGRATULATION IS IN ORDER!!
I don't need you to tell me congratulations, but this is something you need to do something nice in the head toward me for. That is it. That is all.
And my mother, she always misunderstands the problem. She always thinks, less stimulants, more depressants, like invega, lithium, bipolar meds, baby. Bipolar meds are the key to Rachel's success.
SHUT THE FUCK UP BEEV!!! She throws hissy fits about my caffeine consumption, my nicotine gum use. Please, these help, way more than you understand.
The problem isn't too much dopamine, the problem is not enough dopamine! I am severely, severely, SEVERELY deficient in dopamine! If only she knew the struggle I face on a daily basis, trying not to be embarrassed over nothing, nada, noodle head. Nothing at all. Always embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed,
SCREEEEECH!!!!!!
This is the sound of being constantly embarrassed by lack of dopamine.
Another thing about her. She is a weird girl in the room of death. Not for me, not my dad, herself. She believes she is not a good mom, but pretends that she will be one if she does things to control her only hope in life, which is me turning out like a good girl. Not independent, dependent on government handouts. Which is why I will never go back to school.
My dad does not agree with my mother's tactics, but whatever she says is law. He thinks, my mom said, no ID. She does not get her ID. My mom says, she drank a drink of cola and that is bad. He says, bad Rachel, no cola. That is how it works.
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