Radiance

I find myself in a place where I'm not sure what the concept of ego means, or what exactly it means to be enlightened.

Sometimes I bounce against others, trying to say well I have this better than this person, or I'm better at this, or I'm better at this.

Sometimes though, I'm not bouncing off against anyone at all. What is it I want exactly? To have interesting experiences? Or to have other people appreciate the inner beauty I possess?

What do enlightened people... Scratch that. Forget about it.

Well for one, I think I am done trying to convince to myself that I am worthwhile, because I have done it already. We could stop right there, or is that a trait of sociopaths? Is it a sociopathic thought to try to stop caring how other people perceive you?

The answer is... Yes.

What was the alternative? Being dependent on other people's approval?

Well I don't want to do that either.

Is there a happy medium, little hummingbird? Maybe, I should take it as it comes, and enjoy the specks of light that dance in the dark, gloomy atmosphere of social isolation.

And now, the answer comes from within, which is... Radiance!

Radiate out inner beauty, power, and focus on pushing, pushing, pushing it out.

Moments when you catch a glimpse of your own inner beauty are few and far between. Accept it, try your best, no judgments.

Physical Space is an Illusion

When I was in ninth grade, I started philosophy, within my own mind.

I remember my math teacher talking about the edge of the universe, if it is wrapped, etc. What happens when you reach the edge of the universe? Do you hit a brick wall? At any rate, this is a question that should blow your mind.

It did, and of course I had thought long and hard about this question previous to this, I just mentioned this because he mentioned that it was normal for this question to blow your mind.

It did at one point, and that's because I was an amateur. I've shifted my understanding of the concept of physical space to be more like what physical space is in my bug game, my own little simulated bug universe which is the computer game I made in high school.

When the edge of the universe conundrum blows your mind, that's when you realize there is an error in the way you think about the universe. When I started programming, I started telling myself that that was a dumb conundrum, a dumb question. It was the exact same thing as one of my bugs in the game asking what was outside of that double rock wall that surrounds the universe.

The universe we live in is run by a computer. That's my understanding. Is it different from yours? I honestly don't know, I've never asked anyone this question.

You've got to get over the idea that there is even a such thing as physical space. PHYSICAL SPACE DOES NOT EXIST!

And then you get to more basic hardwiring, which is that if something is not being observed, or is not part of/influencing something that is observed, it does not exist.

I made a remark one time, if something has to be observed to exist. If no one is currently looking at it, it is not there. I was referring to ideas, as in written history or works of fiction.

"Well that's not true. But that's an idea related to your current brain wiring due to mysticism, so we are not going to argue." That was the response I got on that.

You go back to the old, "If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" argument. Well no. However, some people say, there are still sound waves and such.

So apparently, it creates something, waves, on a grid that cannot be accessed by any conscious being. If no one can access the grid does it really mean anything?

Is physical space really there if no one can experience it? The answer is, it's irrelevant. Depends what your definition of is is.

So what I've done is, stepped away from the idea that physical space is real, and established that the only that is real is experiences.

Fungal Women: The Terror Persists

A substrate of society, the Fungal Women know not that they are not welcome. While wandering is their true desire, they are hypocritical in nature and demand to nourish the part of them that desires release from the grimy grind of everyday living. Naturally, they congregate naught, but seek shelter without moral entanglement.

Fungal women are frowned upon, coughed upon, spit upon, and naturally they feel oblivious when they are alone, not realizing the devastating truth of the matter which is that fungally cured, the true cause of their malease is not fixed.

Nevertheless, they never make a noise when coughed upon, as naturally speaking, the cougher is uncured of his ailment as well.

Comic Sans

There was a time a couple months ago when I was randomly reminded a lot of the font Comic Sans. I just had a font stuck in my head. I didn't know the reason.

Later, it became clear why it was happening. It was a reference to looking at the world in a very cheery light. Including incredibly dark issues.

"As the drugs wore holes in his brain he danced and imagined he was talking to a maiden. And then the maiden disappeared, and he came down and remembered he was human."

And I think about this in a cheery light, and it reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut. There was something really intense about the style of his stories and his dark sense of humor that comes up all the time, even though I'm not consciously sure of any of the specific stories I'm getting at.

It's about looking at the world without judgment. "It's not supposed to be cheery it's a real sick dark tragedy!"

I look and think, that's the situation, these are the hard cold facts, and in this particular situation he wasn't all that attached to his brain. There's some sort of expectation to encounter a dark horror story, and there is some sort of ironic or funny twist that makes you laugh. Or more often, think.

The Atheist Cop-Out Answer: The Placebo Effect

My dad told me one time to stop drinking vinegar. "IT'S THE PLACEBO EFFECT!!!" He yelled.

I told him placebo effect or not, it didn't matter. It worked.

In reality, this was some sort of rampant misunderstanding of the placebo effect. Like the first time I tried drinking vinegar by advice of my guides, I was SO convinced it would make me high.

Anyway.

Music

I wanted to include a list of the top songs consistently in heavy rotation while I am going through altered mysticism states:

Woke up this morning (Sopranos theme song) - Alabama3
Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm
Shades of Gray - Amanda Marshall
I'm an Albatraoz - Aronchupa
*Around The World - ATC
Trojans - Atlas Genius
Burn it Down - Awolnation
Kill Your Heroes - Awolnation
*Wake up - Awolnation
Uh huh - B2K
Suga suga - Baby Bash
I know what I am - Band of Skulls
The River of Dreams - Billy Joel
Bad Motherfucker - Biting Elbows
Joga - Bjork
Lonely Boy - The Black Keys
Gold on the Ceiling - The Black Keys
No Rain - Blind Melon
Call me maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
She Wants me dead - Cazzette & Aronchupa
Aicha - Cheb Khaled
Tubthumping - Chumbawamba
*Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Gangsta's Paradise - Coolio
*Dancing in the Dark - (On my iphone it says the artist is Dancing, I think it is the Cateracts or something like that)
The General - Dispatch
*Bodies - Drowning Pool
*What I am - Eddie Brickell
40 day dream - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeroes
**Burn - Ellie Goulding
Soldier - Eminem
Till I collapse - Eminem
Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics
Uma Thurman - Fallout Boy
Cameltoe - Fanny Pack
Like a G6 - Far East Movement
The Walker - Fitz and the Tantrums
Good Feeling - Flo Rida
Evil Eye - Franz Ferdinand
Some nights - Fun
*Annie You Save me - Grafitti6
Ways to Go - Grouplove
Shark Attack - Grouplove
Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
Try it Again - The Hives
Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
All Nite(Don't Stop) - Janet Jackson
White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
*Tongues - Joywave
I predict a riot - Kaiser Chiefs
Never Miss a Beat - Kaiser Chiefs
Wide Awake - Katy Perry
Dark Horse - Katy Perry ft. Juicy J
*We R Who We R - Kesha
Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolph
Spaceman - The Killers
Human - The Killers
*National Anthem - Lana Del Rey
Nobody's Listening - Linkin Park
Nobody Knows Me - Madonna
*Familiar Five - Marcus Marr
This is the new shit - Marilyn Manson
I need to wake up - Melissa Etheridge
Kids - MGMT
Bodyrock- Moby
Space Lord- Monster Magnet
San Francisco - The Mowgli's
Reapers - Muse
Got Ur Self A... - Nas
*Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
**Starships - Nicki Minaj
I'm Afraid of Americans - Nine Inch Nails
Sweat - Oingo Boingo
Insanity - Oingo Boingo
Alligator Sky - Owl City ft. Shawn Christopher
This is Gospel - Panic! at the Disco
Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore
Halo - Porcupine Tree
***Fear of a blank Planet - Porcupine Tree
Another one Bites the Dust - Queen
Du Hast - Rammstein
*Indigo - Rasta
Vedro Nebo - Rasta
Free Mason - Rick Ross ft. Jay Z
The Great American Nightmare - Rob Zombie
*Crazy - Seal
It Wasn't Me - Shaggy
Baptized By Fire - Spinnerettes
Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine - Spoon
The Way We Get By - Spoon
Desert Rose - Sting
Dynamite - Taio Cruz
*Psycho Killer - Talking Heads
Girl Talk - TLC
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Ordinary - Train
Sing - Travis
Pump up the Jam - Technotronics
Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
Scream and Shout - Will.I.Am ft. Britney Spears
Concentrate - Xzibit
Don't Trust Me - 3Oh!3

This is the short list of the most commonly listened to songs on my iPhone.

The Inching Effect

I would like to propose the idea that we stop judging religions and belief systems as a whole by the adherent's behavior. Instead, we focus on the inching effect. In what direction are we inching?

In terms of good and bad people, there are good and bad people of all faiths and creeds. There are good Christians and bad Christians, good Jews and bad Jews, good atheists and bad atheists. The question is, overall, let's forget where everyone started out. Let's think, what do these believe systems, looking at the belief system specifically and not the behavior or its adherents, encourage?

You look at Christianity. That's where atheists say, look at all the bad things Christians have done! And I ask, is that the religious belief system, or is it the individual, who committed these crimes?

You look at the Holocaust, and you look at belief systems like Darwinism and Christianity. Neither of these belief systems encourage genocide. Christianity in itself encourages peace. If people decided to shoot someone as a result of their Christian religion, you can say that that was a "bad soul," or a "bad Christian," and not evidence that the underlying religion is bad.

It's about the spiritual growth of the adherents, and in which direction they are encourages to move. The underlying belief here is that there are, inherently, varying degrees of goodness and badness in all people, and it's all over the map.

You often hear of Christians converting and how a belief in a higher power encouraged them to get off drugs, or embrace their family, or stop beating their wife. And you think, my oh my, this wife beater also cheated on his taxes! But then you think hey, it's the inching effect. At least he is not beating his wife anymore.

So when looking at history, don't look at the fact that Christians did this, and atheists did not. Focus on the fact that Christianity encourages the idea that no good deed goes unseen, while atheism encourages the belief that it doesn't really matter.

The Royal Road to Destruction

I had a dream that Mark Zuckerberg lived in Portland, and he had a place where you could go and see him right downtown.

I was on his property, and we were talking about the clay I used yesterday at the hospital. If I was going to be famous, which I am, I can't use the clay. It makes it so my fingerprints leave marks. The people in my line of work that came before me were Steve Jobs, then Mark Zuckerberg, then me, and I would be recognized for my work on the brain.

I was sitting down at a table with someone else, and a glass of wine spilled and landed on both my friend (someone older and female), and me. I didn't think anything of it, but my friend got upset. She said the wine was an older smellier version of real wine, and it landed on us to discredit us.

My friend in the dream was Subbie.

In real life, I have been feeling really really bad. I keep my head up at all times, keep my head above water, everywhere I go I keep my head above water.

I keep wondering about how I am doing, am I crazy? Am I crazy? That's the question I keep asking myself. And it keeps coming back as, damn I must be, but what about this experience? Or what about this?

My guides have given me enough proof that I am psychic, I know my guides exist, I know they are real spirits, etc. The question is, are we really doing anything meaningful or are we on THE ROYAL ROAD TO DESTRUCTION?! I can't access very much information, I know absolutely nothing. I know my brain contains a lot of information, but my ability to consciously grab at it has withered.

I woke up this morning, and I have an image in my head from a recent dream prominently ingrained in my mind. It is of a old Victorian house, and a pipe leading from the top floor down to the bottom floor. In the dream, it was in a coloring book, and I was coloring this pipe in.

War on Christmas?

In this house, we are atheists (which wasn't mentioned to me at a young age). However, as a young child, we had a little nativity scene in with our Christmas decorations. Every year I would play with it, and it formed part of my early understanding of the Christian religion. Except I misheard, and I thought it was "Cheesus" and the thing around his head was the cheese.

In other words, the concept of God wasn't commented on until I reached a certain age.

What is the war on Christmas? A fight to eliminate a holiday? Some laugh here, as we start decorating for the holidays way too early, and are blasted with the same Christmas carols year after year on repeat way too many times.

Is that what the war on Christmas is? I say, no. The war on Christmas is, quite simply, a fight to remove Jesus from the holiday.

Now we can fight till the cows come home over the original holiday (apparently it was Pagan or someth'), or we can just admit that in this day and age, Christmas is Christ's birth celebration. Do people have some sort of problem admitting that we celebrate Christmas in this country? Now, I don't personally care if a store decides to use an all-inclusive "happy holidays" greeting instead of the standard "Merry Christmas," as to not leave out our Jewish friends. But is there something freaking wrong with a nativity scene?

Some say, I don't like seeing icons of stuff I don't believe on government property! And we've all been there, we don't like the way the country is run either but there isn't a well-formed "violation of church and state" law to draw upon.

The country was formed on Christian principles, and it doesn't indoctrinate anyone to have a depiction of Jesus' birth on public land. That's what I think. And then we get a chorus of "They were deists!"

Anyway, I think that "violation of church and state," applies to actual laws and not decorations.

And then, we get the red cup controversy, where Subbie and Conscie clashed and then Conscie agreed.

Well, it's kind of nice to have a design on a cup, instead of just a blank red cup. It's fine to point that out, everyone. Hey what gives? No manger scene?

I think next year, Starbucks should have a nativity scene on the cup. We had an atheist "nothing" year, now let's have a Ch- Chr- Christ, Ch- Chr- Christmas year. It doesn't mean you are a heathen if you are gay!

It's time we do away in one fall swoop with the Christianity phobia. What it comes down to is the, "people who believe in that don't believe in science!" argument over and over again. A lot of people don't think that's a valid argument.

And while were at it, we'll have a pharmaceutical design on the cups to celebrate atheist's Christmas next year.

Time

For now, we exist in this present moment. But did we always?

If you were in a dimension, and someone else was in another dimension, and these two dimensions do not interact or are easily reachable by each other, let's say only every once in awhile does someone pass between them and when they do, no information is relayed between them.

What time is it in the other dimension?

What is that person in the other dimension doing, RIGHT THIS MOMENT? The answer is, a whirlwind of activities and not anything in particular!

Time only exists as a reference point. If you look at what someone else is doing, you both check your clock and discuss what you were doing at 3:00 sharp. Otherwise, when you pass, there is a time warp. You spend enough time in transit, you will never be able to synchronize watches between the two dimensions!

There is only a need for intelligent synchronistic features of time if the two time zones intercept. Otherwise, there is no reason for there to be time kept in one dimension and time kept in the other, and for to be any continuity between the two time zones.

Does time go backwards? Time never goes backwards, silly. That's because at the same time, no imprint or continuous occurrence of past events reiterates. There's no such thing as time travel!

What is time? Time is flow, movement or change. It can change rapidly at times, stay the same at other times, and never ceases to amaze the weirdos. What if time went faster sometimes, and slower other times? Does it need to occur at a continuous pace? The answer is, no. Right now it's going really fucking slow too!

Peace

I have no anger at anyone, and I am open to any new friendships that come my way. I am serious, there is no one I am holding on to anger at.

Last Night's Dreams: A Return to the Holy Place

Last night I had a dream where I woke up, and I was lying in bed. I was fully convinced that I was wide awake. Then, some spirits (or people?) came into my room and snatched me from my bed!

I was put on my airplane, but there was a moment where it was hard to get away from the cops that were outside the house (the guardianship?). I was put on an airplane, and we were flying over this place with beautiful flowers that were so big, I could see them very very well from the airplane. We landed in the beautiful gigantic flower garden, and there were three colors of flowers that I was looking at in the dream. Deep purple roses, and black and white roses. In the dream, I was in the flower garden and I suddenly thought of Chance, a young man who died recently whom I knew.

The flower garden had a really weird emotional connotation, and when I think of it now, it reminds me of Miss Piggy. That makes no sense, but that was the closest concept the flower garden reminded me of.

Then I got back on the airplane, and there was a song playing that I liked. Now that I am awake, Subbie told me it was a real song that I listen to on a regular basis. In the dream, Subbie pointed out that there were a couple other songs that we wanted to check out we never got the chance to.

Then, we landed in some sort of marketplace. I was being escorted somewhere. My spirit guides kept pointing out a burger joint in the region. When I finally got close enough to look at it, it was some place called like Fisher Price Burgers (it wasn't the name in the dream, that is closer to the emotional connotations of the name. In the dream, I was thinking that Fisher Price Burgers was a more fitting name). It has the emotional connotation of when I was a very young child, and the way places like McDonald's seem to really young kids. The entire place had kind of an elven emotional connotation.

I think this dream is trying to tell me to get back to my youth-like state of wonder with the world. I have lost touch with that feeling, that feeling of awe with the wonders of the planet. I feel so worn-down, thinking of global warming and all the atrocities that are about to unfold on the planet. Also, the flower garden indicates the holy side of myself.

The Cross-Eyed Smiley Face

I have some sort of image in my head, in association with enlightenment.

It is a cross-eyed smiley face. Or maybe not cross-eyed, cross lipped. Or some sort of abnormal facial expression.

It combines the emotional connotation of smiley faces, with some rhythm of drumming, with the feeling you get as a kid looking at your dad's computer stuff. Like, really intensely technical.

It has a low-level computer engineering feeling to it. And it is a colorful smiley face.

But that doesn't do it justice. It has the feeling of breaking through two-dimensions and becoming three-dimension. Or breaking through three-dimensions and becoming more than four dimensions.

It reminds me of that South Park episode, where Stan found out the Tooth Fairy wasn't real and started questioning everything at the same time, and had an existential crisis. The music from that episode.

I can't really do that image justice. It just exists somewhere in my frame of thought.

And above all, it has a feeling of zen.

It came into my mind when I was watching a video by Osho, in reference to when Osho laughed when he reached enlightenment because the process of enlightenment was absurd.

Fungal Women: Heavens, what are the SHROOMS doing here?

For I, once was, wasn't, and then was again, a fungal woman. One of the women who reacts to the world with indifference, swallows the fungal cure, and revisits pastimes long spent off.

In short, These Three Fungal Features appear in Fungal Woman old and young alike:

1. Dark wavy hair, or auburn.

2. Fungal cures (drugs or whatever)

3. Resistence to anecdotal evidence


Merry hee hay ho, that's all.

Last Night's Dream

Last night's dream was a flash back to when I was dreaming at Innercept. It involved being driven around in the car, a girl was there I knew during that time period of Innercept. There was this song playing in the dream, this song that was on the radio when I was at the hospital when I was refusing my medication that was causing me brain damage. I don't want to say the name of the song, but the lyrics were changed to "eight weeks in hell," which was a reference to my previous progam Sanctuary house, and how I was there for eight weeks and how it was heaven compared to being forced to take this medication. I purposely got kicked out there because I couldn't handly living without stimulants at that particular time.

The song was a hyped up rendition of a song on the radio I was listening to at the hospital, with this clownish bouncing around, hyperventilating, Nazi Germany German feeling. It made me sick to my stomach, I woke up puking my guts out on the inside. It was as if my psyche was saying to me, "Hey, remember this song?"

Anyway, I woke up feeling god awful. I can't believe I was once in a position where I was getting brain damage from a medication I was being forced to take, alongside the idea that I was wasting away in a hospital in North Idaho with no hope for my future.

I woke up puking my guts out on the inside, with some sort of understanding that I was healing from this particular situation and that's why I was having this dreaml.

Life, Turn For the Annoying

Anyway, so as of late, life as a weird emotional connotation. Kind of like this bizarro world emotional connotation.

I'm hoping it's relevant to when a little over a world ago, the world started to take on a bizarro world connotation. I was having fun, going through altered states, cut off from the world... Fired up Twitter and what was President Trump doing? Anyway, and the weather was weird as hell...

There is some reference in my mind to this dream I had junior year of high school. I had three total dreams during my junior year of high school, which had a strong espionage emotional connotation. In another one, I was in the dorm Callahan (a building that looked like that dorm upon further inspection, after becoming delusional). The bad guys were coming to get me, and I swung on a rope off the building and slid down the rope. It had a really official emotional connotation that dreams don't typically have.

In the dream in question, I actually didn't remember the dream at all until it came up in my life about six months ago. In the dream there is an alien, an overgrown baby, a microwave, and a rope (as well as some other emotional constructs), moving around a upscale condo. There is some sort of lag effect, where you wait a few seconds and everything is in a different place around the condo, and there is never fluid movement.

This song, Marcus Marr Familiar Five, reminds me of the emotional connotation of all the dreams. I listen to this song to try to remember them better.

Another thing that happened, while I was listening to this song, I started imagining a bloody swimming pool. That's a reference to something in Party Like Jesus.

Anyway, in about February of this year I started to imagine all these objects circulating around my head, in the back of my mind.

And then I realized, the alien isn't my mom. The alien is me.

Anyway, and I feel like an alien. Sometimes I have some sort of weird alien emotional connotation. Like I am an alien, looking out the lense of my brain through my eyes.

I kind of feel like I am about to die. Like I feel so weird, I can't imagine anything getting me out of my situation or whatever. It doesn't seem like it will right now, anyway. Of course, that doesn't make sense.

I guess it's all something about the way my brain is functioning right now.

The Unfriending Option

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

Your Facebook product, while a fantastic idea, FAILS.

I enjoy your idea of keeping the people who unfriend you private. Your product, however, fails because it tells the user everytime someone unfriended them. If you were a smarter man, Mark Zuckerberg, you would realize that the people who are most bothered by this are the people who are not constantly writing you asking you to make changes in your design because they are the shy sullen types who aren't particularly assertive.

Wouldn't it be nice, if you didn't get notified when someone unfriends you? At least allow us the option of hiding the friend count. Why do you think we care so much about how many friends we have? Why don't we at least have the option of hiding the number? That is why I think you are socially inept, Mark Zuckerberg. There is this morbid fixation with how many friends you have!

The truth is, I have kind of a past on Facebook. In the past, I have not one, but TWO suicide attempts after being blocked on two different accounts from the same fucking guy on Facebook. It's a long story, I was delusional twice, he had a wonky romance cord to me which is powerful and made his opinion the ONLY PERSON in the entire world's who mattered. So from then on, the negative energy from two suicide continuously colors my Facebook experience. And turns it, from a fun time with friends, to a DARK WEBSITE OF DESPAIR. I hate your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, it wasn't an issue be unfriended while I was at Innercept. It was the biggest non-issue in the entire world, when I noticed the friend count go down. It was only when I got home from Innercept and started pouring emotional energy into Facebook that I started getting a feeling reminscient of the blocking situation (obviously on a much smaller scale) everytime I noticed the friend count go down. It brings up that SAME EMOTIONAL ENERGY everytime I see it.

AND I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK if some piece of shit on my friend's list decides to unfriend me. BIG FUCKING WHOOP! And if I knew who it was every single time, it wouldn't be an issue either! However, we are not allowed to know. It could be anyone! See, Subbie knows who she likes on Facebook and also knows who she does not like. If Subbie hates someone, Conscie does not particularly care for them either. And it surprises me at times, when I look at the person's profile and see the Add Friend button after an unfriending, and breathe a sigh of relief because the unfriender in question was someone who Subbie believes to be a SOCIOPATH. So yeah, I know who you are, you liked a status and now you think you have some sort of emotional grip on me, I know who you are, so unfriend to be passive aggressive and it is just so funny. Anyway, I don't care when I look at your profile and it was someone Subbie hates, I very seldom give a fuck that someone unfriended me EVER when I KNOW WHO IT IS! And then, Subbie regales me with a funny story about them being a piece of shit.

And then I see people, who unfriend to be passive aggressive (the reason they do this is always the same, and I am not going to say the reason out loud). You have this little disgusting smirk on your face when I picture read you. And I wonder, WHY THE FUCK DO  YOU THINK I CARE, Ms. Video Lady? No, why do you think your opinion is important? And do you not know, the only reason I am ever unfriended nowadays is because someone wants to purposely hurt my feelings (barring a couple other reasons I'm not getting into).

Anyway, Mr. Fucking Facebook Creator, your product is shit. Is it some sort of request people have been giving you, that you are not allowed to hide the friend count? Have a bunch of SOCIOPATHS been writing you and telling you PLEASE OH PLEASE Mark Zuckerberg don't allow people the option to hide the god damn friend count? Because they want oh so bad for people to know when they were unfriended so that they feel bad, and their identity is protected. It is a sociopath's DREAM! You are a sociopath to me Mark Zuckerberg, and your furry furry head is so endearing too and I would love to put a picture of you in front of my television screen so I can watch MARK ZUCKERBERG every single day on the television, to remind me of that wonderful time you were in front of Congress!

Anyway, I love you. You are cute as hell and really really sexy and stuff and I actually do like your product I was just playing. But please, allow us the option of hiding the friend count.

Yours Truly,

Rachel Zuhl

The Estuary: No One Loves You

The estuary is the cold reality of life. After all, who really loves anyone anyway?

I have no emotional closeness to anyone. I have only two friends I can talk to via the internet about real issues, one of them is going through a really hard time himself so I don't want to overburden that person, the other I have to hold back from because of a difference in belief systems.

I have parents who say they love me, but they don't really love me in a real way. I guess that's something though, isn't it? I imagine they try to the best of their abilities to love me, they are just incapable of really loving someone. When I was in the psych ward in Coeur D'Alene, refusing a medication that was causing me some sort of weird psychological problem on a subconscious level (thoughts kept repeating for a scary length of time), my mom comes in and the first words out of her mouth are, "IF YOU REFUSE YOUR MEDICATION WE WILL GET YOU INJECTED WITH IT!"

So I don't really feel like my parents love me. After all, they told me the time when I was doing the best, was the time when I was suicidal and sleeping all the time. I was doing better then then when I was happy, apparently.

And it comes down to, who really loves anyone? We are taught that your parents are the ones who love you unconditionally. And I'm not asking for unconditional love. But come on, all it is is an energy cord that makes them feel that way. Is that true love?

Sometimes, though, I feel like my parents like me as a person.

Anyway, I get love from unseen forces, and from myself. And I think, this is enough.

The Bible and Mediumship: Using Black and White Thinking to Take Things Out of Context

At one point in my journey with my spirit guides, they were talking about an energy worker I had received work done awhile aback. While she was a legit energy worker, my guides lamented in the fact that she had some hokey belief in astrology and that astrology, in general, is full of shit.

And I believed them at the time. And still do.

However, there came a point when one of my friends was writing to me, talking about astrology and I remembered what my guides has said about astrology being full of shit. I wrote him a message back expressing this sentiment, and as I did so, I heard groans coming from the other side.

"We meant western astrology, this particular form of astrology, the time of astrology she was using! In western society, it's usually a safe bet that when they mention astrology, it's a hokey pseudoscience with no merit whatsoever! We didn't mean EVERY SINGLE FORM of astrology!"

So apparently, there are some forms of astrology that have a small amount of merit.

Anyway, what I am getting with this is, this same reasoning might be applied to the Bible and what God says about mediumship.

There is some talk that mediumship is explicitly forbidden in the Bible. It is commonly spoke of in conjunction with "passing through the fire," which is an old school Pagan reference. You would imagine that this belief system and the practices therein are what God is warning people against, not the explicit practice of communication with those who are not living.

You have to keep in mind that in the time of the Bible, the practice of mediumship was a common practice in Paganism.

What did Jesus say about mediumship? Nothing.

Nowadays, lots and lots of mediums are Christian. You would imagine that the mediums in the day of the Old Testament were not followers of God, and therefore, provided false guidance.

Commonly, New Age spiritualists accept the divinity of Jesus.

Hell?

https://www.josh.org/why-hell/

This raises the question of, what is righteousness?

This video argues that humans are inherently bad. You look at history, there are all sorts of atrocities.

This is kind of like Mother Theresa be argued as inherently wicked, based on looking only at personality profiles of people like Hitler and Stalin.

Why do we have to paint humanity with a broad brush? Is this what your Bible is teaching you?

Does your Bible teach you that humanity is inherently wicked? Well, that's not what I got out of it. Humanity includes all ends of the spectrum in terms of inherently good to inherently bad. We are given the freedom to choose. That means, we can choose good or we can choose evil.

We are, however, flawed. That simply means we fall short of the mark when it comes to a comparison with Jesus. Who is inherently perfect.

This is an example of when the attempt to reconcile a personal problem with scripture leads to bad thought processes.

It's a proven fact that atheists aren't more likely to commit murders and other despicable crimes. Most of us know atheists we know have good hearts. Using their own free will powers of logic, they came to the conclusion that God doesn't exist. I don't agree with this conclusion, but I believe there are atheists that find motivation to be good people within themselves without the Bible and the notion tha they are being judged.

The only conclusion you can come to from watching this video is that this person believes that nonbelievers are bad people. And that righteousness in all forms comes from God.

It's time that we reject this theory. Instead of saying we are inherently ugly until blasted with the light of God, maybe we should say there are varying levels of ugliness and beauty in us all. People are judged based on their actions, not their belief system about how the world originated.

It also raises the question of, what is hell? And it is my personal belief that if you are a bad person, you live in a personal hell. In the afterlife, people can see you for what you really are. And the more wicked you are, the more miserable you are.

It comes down to, maybe you should adjust your interpretation of scripture, rather than adjust your worldview to a belief system that promotes hatred.

Do Ancient Belief Systems Have Value?

One question that comes up when you tell people you are Christian is, why the God of the Bible? Why not Greek Gods and Goddesses?

It is my personal belief system that some spiritual belief systems have value, while others don't. For example, I label religions such as Satanism as False Religions. Meaning, for me, there is no value in studying them. There are other belief systems like this, but I choose not to point fingers.

My belief about pantheistic belief systems is that they are not false religions. They have a lot of value to them. However, obviously, I don't believe these gods and goddesses really exist.

One of the important tenets for understanding religions is redefining the definition of "truth." When you are dealing with literary truth, the value cames from the ideas presented in and that naturally flow out of the stories told. You don't dismiss the stories as unimportant because they didn't really happen.

Throughout the ages, you see civilations that formulated their own religious beliefs, when direct divine guidance is absent.

Spiritual belief systems are presented to help the spiritual growth of a civilation (or more than one). Just like in mysticism, delusions come about to help personal psychological growth and personal spiritual growth.

After all, it is the world we live in that is an illusion. Us, as individuals and spirits, are the only things that are really real.

Myths are a creative take on the repeating themes that come up when living within this illusion.

The challenge is to build up value within yourself, within your soul, and not the artificial desires of the ego, such as physical attractiveness, a cool job, celebrity friends, etc.

The "AHHH!!" Phenomenon

The "AHHH!!" Phenomenon is the problem presented when spirits (living or otherwise) are trying to do something, but are confined by the properties of matter, time or space, or, more significantly, LOGIC.

A hokey example of the "AHH!!" Phenomenon comes from the movie Serendipity (I hate this movie by the way). The main character meets a woman, they are perfectly in tune, and they decide to get on opposing elevators, press a number, and see if they end up on the same floor. And they do press the same number! Except, a little boy comes and presses all the elevator numbers in the man's elevator!

Man, we were perfectly in tune, but the properties of random chance got in the way! Or was it the devil? After all, the little boy was wearing a devil costume!

At any rate, this scenario is dumb for a different reason if the little boy were an embodiment of the devil. The two of them were perfectly in tune, but the combination of the two of them brought out personal weaknesses in the main character.

Another example could be something like, you were destined to save the world, and you had a book on your computer you were destined to circulate. Then bam! Your hard drive crashes.

If you are in a situation where you are important to the universe, the universe acts as a tool. It will provide you what you need when you need it, and challenge you when you are in need of being challenged.

Who Has Burden of Proof?

When it comes to the debate regarding a conscious or self-aware being at the beginning of creation, one we call God, who has burden of proof, atheists or theists?

First off, let's define God. God is a being who has thoughts and is self-aware, though perhaps not infallible, all knowing, all loving, etc. In otherwords, a being with consciousness willed the universe into existence. Also, there could be more than one, although I believe there is just one.

Some basic claim in debate is that the person with the claim that is more outrageous has to provide valid proof to back up those claims.

Which notion is more outrageous? A universe that was willed into existence by God, or a universe that just is?

First off, who created this God? This is the question where we start bumping up against our own mind's ability to fathom. And accept that there is no logical answer to the question that doesn't create even more questions.

It comes down to this: the basic notion that the world is good, and the idea that God is capable of miracles.

Which, to atheists, is reminiscent of... Well my God transcends logic! So there!

There is some reason why you would expect if souls were NOT real, that your own personal identity is not real and just an illusion based on neurons firing in your brain (basically meaning we don't have souls, immortal or immortal), then the entire universe and everything that exists would not exist. Basically, there would be nothing at all.

And then the phrase comes into my mind, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If there is no one in the universe to experience the universe, is it really there?

My theory is that the world exists because the nature of the world is inherently good. At any rate, there is some sort of basic wisdom in the world that "life is good." If you ask me, I believe Earth is a place we come for spiritual growth and the real good stuff is in heaven. But that's just me.

Basically, the notion that spirits (or consciousness) comes before inanimate objects.

So who has burden of proof? Well, the atheist view is that in the beginning, there was nothing. And then, BAM! expansion.

Or we could boil it down to the concept of creativity. Have you ever something that did not have consciousness exhibit any creativity at all? God exhibited creativity while creating the universe.

This topic might be revisited later.

Sociopathy: A Mental Illness?

So, there was a point not too long ago when homosexuality was no longer regarded as a mental illness, due to people not wanting to be classified in with "those people." (obviously I don't think there is anything wrong with being homosexual, just like I don't think there is anything wrong with being bipolar)

However, what about the rest of us?

Today there is a problem with classification of mental disturbances. The swoop of a broad mental brush.

After all, it's the mentally ill who shoot up schools!

I propose a change in the paradigm in which we understand the topic of mental illness. Instead of removing categories from the mental illness category and labeling them normal, let's label mental illness as socially acceptable and remove one mental illness and label it as something else entirely!

The new category is, sociopath.

Woah! Woah! Woah! You're just schizoprenic. It's not like you're a sociopath or something!

We can label this in the difference in basic expression and experience of human emotion category, in case there are any other similar situations where people are just BAD PEOPLE!

Or maybe we should just call it, Sick Twisted Human Being category.

I know! It could be in the same category as sex offenders!

A common problem that schizophrenics face is they feel lumped together in a category with sociopaths. When they imagine "mentally ill" the paradigm includes bad people who are sociopaths.

Maybe, we should start a new paradigm for judgment of peoples' inherent goodness instead of just labeling some generic illness in their heads!

And to stay on the safe side, we will continue denying schizophrenics the right to own firearms.

Without God, the Mighty Tracing Team Traces!

So today I would like to explain to you that if you don't believe in free will, consciousness has no evolutionary purpose. Unless, it is a forceful push in one direction only. If the purpose were a more stronger, forceful reaction to stimuli than with an unconscious being, then that's your theory. Even so, the force of a reaction still implies some sort of influence that is up to you, the observer. Thus meaning we do have free will.

So if we do not have free will, all your conscious essence does is observe. It reaches conclusions and acts, but the same actions could obviously be reached by an unconscious being who has the same nature and the same nurture, or in other words, the same psychology based on past events, and the same genetics.

Genetics plays a role in experience. Past experience (including environment, which is an experience) dictate behavior. What does the soul (or consciousness) do? Well, nothing. If you don't believe in free will, you believe every decision anyone makes is predetermined beforehand. Consciousness appears to make decisions, but they are all based on factors in psychology. Nature and nurture. What does the conscious mind do? The conscious mind just traces its fingers over the process without influencing decision making.

So, we are the Mighty Tracers.

Atheist Asserts Conscious View

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M9E6hUY740

Atheistic theory of consciousness, as based on this video.

By the way, go home, person who did this video. "The argument fails because it doesn't support a particular religion." This is just a theistic argument, meaning an argument for God. Not a religious argument.

"Awareness evolved to make sense of feelings"

"Consciousness evolved to allow organisms to respond more efficiently to their feelings."

First off, this person asserts that there is no evidence that consciousness can exist without a brain. That is not true. But the people who insist that they have experienced consciousness while dead or remember experiences from past lives, are scorned and ridiculed. There was a book I read called The Scalpel and the Soul by Allan J Hamilton, a neurosurgeon (fantastic read), where he described an incident where a woman was put under and her brain was shut off, and she could recall pieces of conversation from the doctors while she was out.

My question for atheists here is, what would this kind of evidence look like to you? If there was consciousness without a brain, how can you prove it? What would valid evidence look like?


Why do you need awareness to make sense of feelings? Does a computer need awareness to process input? Why does an animal requre awareness, and a computer does not?

That's the question. Quit it with the non answers.

"Respond more efficiently"

So, if there is sensory input that suggests pain, the organism responds more efficiently if it has awareness to feel this pain. So if you have a leg injury, the awareness will tell you not to use the leg, whereas with lack of awareness, you will still use it or use it a little bit. Or, be more efficient with not using the leg and remaining healthy.

EXPOUND PLEASE! Is what I am getting at.

Anyway, so with awareness, it creates drive. There is a DRIVE not to use the leg. There is DESIRE to remain pain-free. And DRIVE and DESIRE spurs into ACTION!

Or, more efficiently speaking, results.

What happened to the species in this situation that were not conscious?

There was a repeated signal sent to the brain to abstain from using the leg. It got sent everytime the organism desired to walk. The organism wanted to walk (wanted without consciousness, so there was some sort of survival mechanism in place telling the organism to walk), and the organism kept switching gears everytime the signal reminded the organism not to walk.

That's what happened.

Then, the organism starved to death. Because it kept getting a signal to walk to food and kept being reminded that the leg wasn't working.

What happend to the conscious being?

It slithered to food.

Why didn't the unconscious being slither to food?

No reason.

Bingo.

Anyway, I'm trying to give this shit show video credit. "Awareness evolved to make sense of feeling." Well, computers must have awareness, because they make sense of signals.

There you go. Computers have awareness.

Anyway, so what we have here with this argument that this guy is presenting that it is the DRIVE and DESIRE that create results.

This points to the idea that there may have been DRIVE and DESIRE at creation, which spurred existence into play. Obviously, drive and desire create better results!

Atheistic Hell Theory

So today we are going to discuss, Atheistic Hell Theory! Which is basically, a theory that even though God isn't real, hell is.

So, what is consciousness, anyway? We can all agree, since it is apparently the "hard problem" in atheistic philosophy, that it is pretty remarkable, can't we? And it's something that is non-physical. You can't touch it. You can't measure it. But you know it's real, since you experience it. In fact, some like me would argue, that consciousness is more real than the world around us. After all, the world may be an illusion, but we (or I) know for a fact that I exist, based on the fact that I experience thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

Well, first, what if this is just a natural side effect of life? When organisms get to a certain intensity in the evolutionary process, there is an interaction between the brain and the universe that creates a lightbulb phenomenon! And, out of matter and some property of the universe results a being that can reflect, think, self-reflect, and knows that it exists. It has experiences! Basically, consciousness.

Does it take a brain to create consciousness? Well, according to atheists, yes, so I will say yes. However, consciousness is non-physical. What if consciousness wasn't completely destroyed upon death? What if, fragments of the self-aware being scattered, and still existed long after the brain was dead? Without the ability to remember, of course.

How do you know it's not true? Why do you pretend to understand consciousness so well? Actually, we don't understand the concept of consciousness at all!

One thing is for certain, however, if awareness is separate from the body, it would experience pain. Without the neurotransmitters seretonin and dopamine, the soul would be in utter misery. And for all of eternity!

And that's Atheistic Hell Theory.

Thinking Outside the Human Framework: Tendency Towards Pessimism

One of the basic characteristics of human reasoning that I would like to discuss today is the tendency toward expecting bleak outcomes.

First of all, is pessimism an evolutionary advantage? Let's consider the event where you are in the wild, and there is suddenly a rustle in the bushes. Your first instinct in this situation is to consider that you might be in danger, it might be a predator. It is advantageous to your survival to induce the flight or fight response, a moment before you realize it is a harmless rabbit.

What would happen if humans always planned for the best possiblity first? Well, that's silly. It's important to plan for the outcome first that poses a threat to your survival. That philosophy lead to the rise of pessimism.

The human brain and human consciousness has evolved through a process of evolution, to the point where on a non-stop, consistent basis, it is constantly searching for problems and things that might pose a threat.

And, it is an evolutionary advantage to give the pessimistic view more attention and focus, so that you can act accordingly.

Most people, early on, experience the hardening that comes with life not living up to some childish fantasy. I could be the death of someone important to you early on. It could be that the love game doesn't live up to childish expectations based on what you learned from Disney movies. Whatever it was, it is a universal human experience to come to the conclusion that life isn't some sort of happy fairy dream, or even something a little bit less than a happy fairy dream.

Part of growing up involves the realization that the world is not a happy place a lot of the time.

When atheists use their judgment, it is an argument based on emotion. And, that's not to say that theistic arguments aren't based on emotion too. However, atheists like to think they are using reason instead of emotion and that's not the case. There is a natural inclination in the human brain, some nagging voice inside your head that tries to tell you your worst fear is also the possibility that is most likely. It is emotional logic based on what "seems" true to them. They have a feeling that when it comes to human existence and how the universe was created, the option that evokes the most depressing connotation is the accurate one.

Atheists try to deflate the concept of consciousness to something devoid of value. Well, it is an illusion, they say. What does that mean? Well I think "I think, therefore I am," applies here. You see atheists belittle the phenomenon of consciousness because it doesn't suit there atheistic worldview.

Based on the notion that the creation option that is true is the one you don't want to believe.

Consciousness is something that comes about from evolutionary processes, the result of a sophisticated brain.

My personal opinion is that the brain does not create consciousness, rather the soul does.

But anyway, so the possibility of consciousness is contained within the framework of the universe.

It's important to note that when I argue for God, I just mean a conscious being. I don't mean necessarily the God of the Bible, or a God that is truly omnipotent, infallible or even all-knowing. I am just arguing for the likelihood that there was self-awareness at the beginning of the universe.

So the ability to produce consciousness is innate in the universe. The argument that atheists make is, it requires a brain.

No one said it requires a brain. That's a purely human construct! You have consciousness. You have a brain. Your fellow humans have consciousness. They have brains. Animals probably have consciousness because they also have brains. In fact, the only thing that you really know is that you have consciousness, and that there is a strong correlation between how you experience your consciousness and how your brain is functioning. How do you know that other humans have consciousness? Well, you don't know! It just causes the fabric of your sanity to unravel if you start doubting that! Is that proof? No!

There's no reason to believe that consciousness cannot exist without a brain. There have been accounts of people dying and coming back to life, and remembering verifiable things about their surroundings tha took place while they were "out." What we do know is the functioning of the brain has a strong effect on MEMORY. So you typically don't remember what you dreamed about, that doesn't mean you weren't experiencing something while you were sleeping.

Anyway, so let's take the preconcieved notion that other humans have consciousness. Why do you believe that? Well, they act the same way I do, respond the same way I do, express thoughts that I can understand. Basically, through the human power of empathy.

Why does consciousness exist? I was looking into this, and this was apparently some sort of big mystery question that no one knows the answer to. One theory is it's to dictate what you pay attention to. If free will is an illusion, there is really no reason to have consciousness. Why is there consciousness, if free will is an illusion? If the human brain consists of data, perceived facts that can exist whether or not a conscious being is looking at them, why do you need a conscious being to tell it what to pay attention to, a conscious being that will act according to the facts and not internal mysterious conscious being innate personal traits irrelevant to the brain's knowledge? THERE IS NO REASON!

Well we don't know yet, the atheists say. Give us time! Give us time!

Maybe, consciousness is just a useless side effect created by the brain. A useless side effect, inherent with some strong desire to be significant, to be immortal, to be spiritual.

In effect, atheists are trying to convince you that YOU don't matter.

Dimension Swerving: The Final Frontier (Argument For God)

What is the sensory experience?

Let's take, for example, the color red. Red has a look to it, and it is a Qualia. May not look exactly the same to everyone, but hey, that's not the point. The point is, there is a feeling you get (or what you might say a look or tone or color), when one perceives the color red.

Can this feeling exist without consciousness? Can the color red exist without consciousness? The answer is, no.

It takes a sentient being to perceive qualia.

It could be anyone. Is there any empirical evidence that people really do perceive the color red? No. It is all in our minds!

What is the purpose of being sentient? To make conscious decisions regarding the propagation of your genetics.

Why does the being need to be sentient in order to make decisions?

Question for the class? What are some decisions a being can make with consciousness that it can't without?

Little Sally raises her hand. "The decision to worship Jesus!"

Very good Little Sally. What else?

Little Termerkatroid raises his hand. "The decision to take his own life!"

Very, very good Little Termerketroid. What else?

Little Beth raises her hand. "The decision to try and find meaning, a higher power, and a sense of purpose!"

Good Little Beth? And why, according to atheistic evolution theory, does consciousness exist?

For the answer, I did a bit of light reading.

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/exmgez/sorry-religions-human-consciousness-is-just-a-consequence-of-evolution

https://evolutionnews.org/2016/06/new_theory_expl/

Basically, there was some review of thought processes necessary. FOR DEEPER THOUGHT processes...

IT TAKES A SENTIENT BEING!

Little Sally raises her hand again.

No, you got it wrong, Ms. Zuhl! LIVING ORGANISMS have deeper thought processes! It takes intense decision making to survive as a species, on an individual level! This same reasoning does not apply to the creation of the universe!

The Big bang was a very simplistic process. All of a sudden, BANG! Expansion!

Little Termerketroid raises his hand again.

NO, LITTLE TERMERKETROID! DON'T ASK FURTHER QUESTIONS ON THE BIG BANG!!!!

In essence, the atheist view is, the universe is TRYING EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLITY THERE IS!!! That's why it doesn't take intelligence. There is no intelligence behind the universe because if there were, it would require "deeper thought processes."

Then, BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As life forms evolve, the process of self-reflection was a result!

However, this is a completely meaningless process. It was something, that came out of nothing.

The Gay Movement

What is the gender revolution? In this country, people are feeling confined by labeling their gender and want this concept removed from society.

What is the function of gender? Gender basically encampsulates a basic idea of what your genitalia look like, and how they function, and what role you play in reproduction. There shouldn't be any presumptitive ideas about what that means about your personality or sense of style. Likewise, there is a basic assumption that comes along with it, the presumption that you show romantic and sexual interests in the opposite gender. This presumption may be false, but we will start with it until the person in question corrects us.

In today's day and age, it should be noted that the notion that straight and homosexual are equal has not yet been widely accepted. This is a tricky situation. According to the established religious doctrine of some, homosexuality is a sin. This situation requires understanding and compassion from people on the left to try not to demonize the bible thumpers whose belief system is based on this religious doctrine.

And then we get the "Leviticus Also Says..." movement. This is a movement founded on ignorance, because if you know the bible, homosexuality is demonized in the New Testament as well. There is no reason to take Leviticus seriously. Why are we reading this book again? Is there a reason Leviticus is still in the bible? The "Leviticus Also Says.." movement is a movement founded on ignorance and intolerance, based on the Too Long/Didn't Read Doctrine.

What is it that the far right conservative movement believes? Well, it says in the Good Book that homosexuality happens when people are engulfed in a sin for whatever reason. In other words, it is an outer expression of an internal conflict with the devil. Therefore, the people that embrace this lifestyle as equal, are as bad as the people who practice homosexuality!

How do we resolve this disagreement? First and foremost, is the notion that when in doubt, mind your own business.

But then the far left comes at you using their lecherous tactics. You misspoke while stating your opinion, and as a result your name officially became synonomous with the frothy feces mixture that is a result of their repulsive sex act! And you say to yourself, Lord, please help them. I am trying my hardest to explain to them my opinion and be reasonable, and I wasn't aware that a simple comparison (or differentiation) between beastiality and their sex act would make me the target of a digital crap smearing. How long before we are all engulfed in this proverbial fecal matter?

And this is when we need to back off, and let the other side be. What is the gay movement asking for again? Well, first off, they want to feel safe. Fair enough. They don't want to feel like they are being judged so harshly for being themselves. Well, that's tough. In this Damned if you do, Damned if you don't world, you are inevitably a sinner no matter what you do!

And as the bible states every once in awhile, it's God who will do the judging. It's a sin to judge other people, and it also says somewhere in their book, if they judge you for your gay lifestyle/orientation/status/whatever they are also out of favor with God.

What else does the gay movement want? Well, they want to be able to marry the person they fall in love with and enjoy the same rights as straight couples. Probably none of your business, bible thumpers.

And in due time, they would also like to be able to adopt and raise children. Well, in this day and age, there is some sort of universal human right element to the practice of child rearing, unless you make a show of proving to the world that you are incapable of it.

And when it comes down it, we know that the United States of America is not a theocracy and there is no established Fundamentist Christian religion. After all, most of us have actually had regular encounters with homosexuals! In fact, most of us have close friends who are homosexual, and using our best judgment, a lot of us don't agree with the idea that there is something abhorrent about these people. In fact, some of us would even agree with the statement that some of the kindest, sweetest, strongest people we know identify as homosexual!

So what gives, says the rest of us? Have you never met any gay people in your life? Do you honestly not know any gay people who you respect and admire?

When it comes down to it, we look at these statements of the bible and our brow furrows a bit. After all, it says in your religion that the bible is the inerrant word of God.

Does your Bible still contain Leviticus?

Charlie Brown Grows an Inch

Well first of all, it's fitting that this is a child saying this. I will continue as Charlie asks his mother this question.

Ma?

What is it, Charlie?

How come people who didn't vote for John McCain cared that he died?

Well, Charlie, that is a big question! Big enough for... Mr. Snarkie Pants!

(Mrs. Brown pulls out a sock puppet, and uses a funny voice to answer Charlie's question)

Well, that's a poser Charlie... How would you feel if your little sister Sally was beaten viciously by a gang of thugs and was in such awful pain she could barely move?

Well, that would be terrible!

But didn't you pick on her yesterday and call her ugly?

Well I didn't mean it! She was poking me and I didn't like it!

Do you want her to suffer?

No!

Do you love her?

Yes!

Do you want her to run the country?

Now that's just ridiculous, Mr. Snarkie Pants!

See, in the adult world, sometimes we like someone but don't want them to run the country. Liberals like John McCain, but felt he was a weak candidate compared to Obama.

Did liberals invent the concept of childish insults?

No, there are both childish liberals insulting conservatives and childish conservatives insulting liberals.

Thinking Outside the Human Framework

Why do people choose atheism?

Well, after all, what do we know? How are we capable of understanding the truth, when we live inside a human framework?

In the primordial days, humans would look to the sky, and assign a human soul to inanimate forces. They would like to the sun, and the sun had a spirit and call it the sun god. They would like to the wind, assign a human soul and call it the god of the wind. The spirit of the river, the spirit of mother nature, the spirit of the almighty force of God.

We, as humans, see human faces in forces of nature that are without souls or life or human characteristics.

Therefore, we took it a step further than you did, Theists. We took the idea that these inanimate forces have souls is a fallacy in human thinking, and applied that concept to the original mover as well. We have a tendency, as humans, to see human faces in things, and that's a proven fact. We atheists see that you have assigned a human face to the original mover, so we have looked beyond the human framework and removed it.

Then, the atheists put their pencils down. We have done our work!

Then Rachel steps in, and she sees this entire thought process as juvenile because it was the same thought process she went through as a kid. She's still holding her pencil.

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Is there a difference between human characteristics such as sex drive, love of food, enjoyment of violence, stuff of that nature, and the basic concept of awareness and consciousness? Can we assign the concept of consciousness to the creational force of the universe, without assigning any of the other human characteristics?

What about the ability to think? Does it take consciousness to think? Do you need to be aware, to think? "I think, therefore I am" comes to mind. What does an inanimate force do that is so important to the universe, that it is more important than conscious thought?

What is superior, consciousness, or lack thereof?

How does an unconscious, unaware universe, create conscious thought processes?

Do you see inherent value in consciousness, or is this some sort of valueless concept that only humans understand? Is thinking a concept devoid of real value, only valued by humans?

What is value? Does consciousness have value? Does the universe understand value? Obviously not, it was created without value, it it is an unconscious creational force. If there is no value, is there also no truth?

Is there a such thing as value?

The universe does not think, only behaves according to predetermined patterns. Can you think without awarness? The universe thinks, without awarness, obviously.

This type of unconscious thinking, is superior to human thinking with requires self-awareness, and is muddied by self-awareness.

Diddlywinks: A Vampire Story

Diddlywinks was young. She looked in the mirror and she was still young. But one day, she would be old.

Desire, said Moar. You desire youth.

NO! Diddlywinks said with a sarcastic grin. Please, don't change me!

Diddlywinks, for the last time, I'm not going to change you into a vampire! You will crave nothing but blood!

But I crave beauty now so badly it couldn't be quenched by an unimaginable thirst for blood!

Diddlywinks stared longingly into Moar's eyes. He was so beautiful.

Then, she coughed and a key fell out of her mouth!

WHAT?! Diddlywinks screamed.

It means you are the chosen one, said Boar. He bit and changed her into a vampire.

Then, there was an explosion. There was a fire and two people were killed. None of them human.

I see, said Diddlywinks. All it took was a sign from God! She looked into Moar's eyes, and felt nothing but lust for human blood.

I see what you are thinking, said Moar. I feel the same desire for human blood as you but not as strong because you are a newly changed.

I feel.. I feel... I feel... said Diddlywinks. She stared into Moar's eyes, and tried to feel the lust she'd once had for him.

I feel... hungry.

I feel you are correct, said Moar.

Do you feel it? Said Diddlywinks. She was taken aback at his sixth sense.

I do.

I want you never. I want you always. God, stop pissing on my brain.

They parted ways as their interests changed.

The Estuary

The estuary is where I found myself about a month ago, following the removal of a delusion.

Over the course of this delusion, I built up a lot of energy that was destined to survive the removal of the delusion.

The estuary is a natural setting, breathtaking in beauty, but it's all about the essence. There are a series of pipes, beautiful in nature, but are they? The real word is, raw. Are they raw with beauty, or raw with real ugliness? What is ugliness?

What is ugliness? The real question is, do you possess enough inner beauty for your happiness to survive this jarring shift?

As the essense flows back in forth from pipe to pipe, so does my happiness. It is like energy surrounding a picture. At times, for a second, the real big picture looks ugly and bleak. Then the energy flows, or the essence flows, and the picture is startling. Is it ever beautiful? Well, we are trying!

Does the picture ever lack the raw element? The answer is, yes. Right now, the picture lacks the raw element. It is gorgeous and real.

What did it originally look like? Like sinew, and desolation, and death. Then the energy flows, and it shows a different frame of Earth.

We are all here, in this place we call Earth. Where is our inner beauty? If you possess inner beauty, are you happy?

The answer is, if you are enlightened, you feel your inner beauty at all times.

A person who is beautiful on the outside does not feel the happiness of their inner beauty. They see their beauty when they are looking in the mirror, when they are not looking they are not happy. Is outer beauty enough? Everyone wants outer beauty! Does outer beauty fill the void inside you? The answer is, no.

You might be ugly on the inside, and feel dumb even when you are looking in the mirror. I am beautiful, but guys call me a skank. (this woman, not me)

Even outer beauty does not fill the void! Is beauty real if other people cannot see it? Sometimes I think, no.

In the estuary, you feel alone but you are with others. Does anyone love you? The answer is no. You come into this world, and maybe leave it, without anyone caring about you except yourself.

Does a higher power care? Well, yes, Rachel.

Innercept: What you are Paying for

If you want to spend $20,000 a month to CURE your child's mental illness, here is what you get for that money...

A place for your child to live.
Two groups a day on week days. Groups include repetitive groups on the topics of collusion, anger management, and process group where you bring up interpersonal issues. Occasionally there might be one of Dr. Ullrich's group about how YOU are capable of changing your DNA!

One counseling session a week, plus one on the phone with you, the parents.

One psychiatrist sessiong a week, where your child's concerns will be repeatedly ignored.

Food that is healthy in small portions.

And meds.

Gas for the car to go to the lake.

Mania and Me: Examination of the Diagnostic Criteria

Upon examination of the diagnostic critera for mania, I find I don't fit the criteria.

First, here's the criteria:

• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
• Decreased need for sleep (e.g., one feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
• More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
• Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
• Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
• Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school; or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
• Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

Taken from psychcentral.com

We are talking about my first episode.

First off, did I have inflated self-esteem? No, I wouldn't say so. Grandiosity is a narcissistic view of superiority and I definitely did not have that. So not, I didn't have this symptom.

Decreased need for sleep? Yes, so yes on this one.

More talkative? I talked less, as I was putting together a puzzle in my mind. So no.

Flight of ideas/racing thoughts? Well I had a heavy flow of thought, not a fast one. My thoughts weren't actually quicker.

This is a problem I deal with constantly when dealing with people about this. No, I have never experienced racing thoughts. I don't know what that feels like. I keep telling them this, they keep telling me over and over again that my thoughts race.

This one is probably a yes, due to the fact that there was a heavy flow of thoughts.

Easily distracted? No, I'm just not listening to the person I am talking to ever. So no.

Increase in goal activity? No, I didn't do anything goal-oriented at all.

Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities? Nope.

This last one is where some people on the diagnosis team say yes! She overdrew her bank account!

Anyway.

Freak of Nature: The FDA Approval Process

So, first of all, let's talk about the FDA drug approval process. According to fda.gov, Phase 1 of the clinical research process is the only stage of the FDA drug approval process that tests a new drug on healthy patients. All other phases are tested on patients with the condition a drug is intended to treat.

In Phase 1 of clinical research, their are only 20-100 subjects the drug is tested on. That's not very many!

Well, of course, safety is studied more in depth later on, on subjects with the condition. So, obviously, if you are being forced to take this drug, you indeed have the condition. There's no such thing as being misdiagnosed.

So if bipolar patient's brains differ in structure from other people's, it doesn't matter because we know for a 100% proven fact you do indeed have bipolar disorder.

Anyway, these are also subjects who are participating voluntarily. So if there is an intelligence gap between people who voluntarily agree to take unsafe medication and people who refuse, and thus a difference in brain structure, we wouldn't know about it.

So anyway, Rachel is being forced to take a new medication and is experiencing rapidly cycling mood up and down and up and down. When she is up, she sits by the bath tub and laughs her head off. When she is down, she contemplates suicide.

All this started the day her morning dose of Geodon was discontinued due to excessive morning sleepiness. Previously, we were giving her one after one (a basic grade of behavior, ones are bad, two's passing, three's excelling) due to falling asleep in group. As soon as the morning dose was discontinued, around about 3 pm she starts cycling rapidly up and down with her moods. Due to the fact that she is diagnosed bipolar, and mood swings are not a known side effect of Geodon, we can conclude that her condition worsened the same day we discontinued the morning dose of Geodon.

And we will continue to ignore Rachel's desperate pleas for us to take her off this medication.

How Scientology Meshes into my Spiritual Belief System

To me, what I have learned about Scientology from Erik is not part of any spiritual belief system. It offers some insight into something about human psychology I wasn't previously aware of.

Engrams. These aren't the "little things that run around," like my mom said. Engrams are a bug in human psychology.

An engram starts when you are in an altered state, whether it be induced by drugs, anger, fear, etc. When you are in an altered state and something that is a big deal happens, like someone is rude to you, an engram is made.

The engram gets activated again when there are a number of similar elements to the time the engram is made, present in your mind at once. They can make you act irrationally, or like you did when the engram was first being made. Whatever you experience at this point, becomes part of the engram. You keep adding to the engram.

In order to do what I do and go through altered state, knowledge of the concept of engrams is a requirement. I have examples of engrams I have dealt with in my life, but none of the examples are examples I would like to share here. That's because they deal with subjects that I am not sharing on my blog at this time, or because I don't want trigger words used against me. Seriously.

So what I am trying to say is, this is just a belief about an aspect of human psychology. It's not really a spiritual belief. I am not a Scientologist, have no desire to convert.

It's basically a belief about patterns of irrational behavior, or irrational reactions to situations, based on how you have reacted to them in the past, or it brings up emotions of your past experience in these situations.

I don't understand why this is seen as crazy. This is a completely reasonable belief. And as I say, who's to say what beliefs are crazy?

It's also part of human psychology, if you are hypnotized, to be very suggestible. If someone tells you, your right arm disappeared, and you are hypnotized, you will start flipping out because you feel you are an amputee.

We can sit back and wonder, why are there so many crazy people in the world? Why are so many people Scientologists? And then we can wonder, why do so many people take part in auditing, in a practice that is obviously, because we read some article on the internet, complete hublub? Obviously these people are deluded and full of shit!

Or we can give people the benefit of the doubt, and say, there are reasons people like this psychological practice, this practice known as Scientology. It benefits a lot of people!

Parents with Issues: Can you overcome their bad choices?

The myth I wanted to dispel today was the notion that if you had a bad childhood with bad parents, when you get to a certain age you need to stop blaming them for the way your life turned out.

However, it's true, obviously. If you want to have a good life, you have to let go of the anger you have toward your parents for giving you issues.

But when your partner gets on your case... a bad childhood is a valid excuse.

The truth is, acknowledging that your parents are the cause of your issues is important. In some cases, the alternative is blaming yourself. If you blame yourself for your issues, that wears away at your self-esteem and perpetuates the idea that you are destined for failure. You have to look at your own issues and say, no wonder I have problems with my body image. My mom made jabs at the way my clothes fit my body all the time growing up! First acknowledge that anyone in your situation would have grown up the same way. Acknowledge that it's okay to have issues.

Then, everytime you feel bad about your body, ask yourself, "Who is talking here? Is it me or my mom?"

You have to realize the power of firmly held beliefs. If early on in life you never did well in school, you were told you were a poor student, over and over again, you may get a firmly held belief planted in your mind that you will always do poorly in school.

We could say, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Try anyway! But you can't do that! Firmly held beliefs are powerful!

When the mistreatment of your parents led to a whole bunch of firmly held beliefs that you will always fail, the harder you try the harder you fail, change is bad, etc... You are fucked. Plain and simple.

You are destined for an unhappy life. And it's your parents fault.

You get a character like Eminem. It's a situation where his music is his own artistic space. One of the issues that keeps coming up in his mind is, man, my mom fucked me up. So yeah, he has every right to write songs about her.

I do not consider it to be immature.

Marijuana Culture

With the push to legalize marijuana... Comes an even stronger need to clean up our culture, and stop promoting the idea that marijuana is cool.

Marijuana is legal here in Oregon, and I am known to use it on occasion. I am fortunate in that I never really experimented with the drug until I was 26 years old, and my brain was fully developed (there were a couple isolated incidents of me trying marijuana at younger age).

First off, is marijuana cool? Not really, but it is a relatively harmless drug that you can use when you are old enough, to alter your mental state. I don't think it is cool, but it is prevalent in our culture.

Rap music, in particular. Urging you to "smoke weed everyday." How do we get through to the children? You will be much more intelligent as an adult, if you lay off the drugs in high school!

We need to reach out to the rap artists, and try to instill in them a sense of responsiblity to the children.

Good luck!

Serving God Through A Healthy Work Ethic

We, at the Zuhl household, are working.

I do not have a job. Do not make any money. I get government assistance.

However, that does not mean me and the spirit guides are not busy!

First comes a healthy happy workspace. I have our company symbol, the icosahedron, in prominent view.

What is the reward? Healthy happy new ego construct building, infusing power into the idea that Rachel Zuhl is a beautiful spirit and a beautiful human being. Feeling the life source, the power of God, constantly infusing Rachel with happiness and drive to keep working!

What product are we working on? Right now, the goal we are working toward is enlightenment! Wow, what a wonderful finished product!

How do we make that happen? First, we need to rid the ego of pretentious ego specks. Things that are not really Rachel Zuhl at her finest, but rather, other people and their opinions of Rachel Zuhl.

Rachel Zuhl needs to feel beautiful as a human being and spirit without other people telling her that!

I Find Truth in Dreams

I had a dream last night that had something that gave me a weird feeling. It was a piece of ancient wisdom.

The ancient wisdom was, "This is a familiar to you because it's been in your mind before."

This was the piece of wisdom.

When I was confronted with this piece of truth, I felt weird. It came like an echo. The truth echoed, oscillated and then made me feel weird when it hit a focus point and there was no running and hiding from this piece of truth. That's the best way I can think of to describe it.

It was an encounter with the life force, the truth, and there was some reference to the Akashic records. At least, the Akashic records were prevelant in my mind when I awoke. The weird feeling was an encounter with the divine. I got closer and closer to experiencing the divine, and when it hit a focal point, there was no running or hiding and it made me feel scared or freaked out though there was nothing in particular I was afraid of. Just freaked out to experience something so raw.

The life force runs through everyone, so everyone has experienced this bit of truth or wisdom in their mind at one point. It runs through everyone's mind like water.

Ego Death

We're all in this together, or are we?

I feel the pizza pie crust of my ego, some sort of furry furry edge that needs to be dissolved and eradicated.

As Rachel withers, so does her ego. She cries out in pain, and remembers that she is a soul that needs nothing. She needs not friends, comfort, drugs. Just love from an almighty source.

In other news, my dad does not get a weird emotional connotation when he thinks about outer space. If an alien came and visited, it would have the same emotional connotations of an random intruder. Let's not talk about that!, he said.

I compared my dad to Vernon Dursley. He said no that's not him, he's not a bad guy. But then again, the bad guy never thinks he is the bad guy.

And that's where we leave it tonight, folks. The bad guy never thinks he is the bad guy.

Song of the Raven

As Rachel sat on her bed, she stared at a book sitting on her pillow case. It was a book Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion. She reached for her bottle of Adderall and took a pill.

As she got high on dopamine, she drifted off in a thoughty trance. She concluded that if God existed, he wouldn't allow so much pain in her life and other people's lives.

She looked out at the window of her cheap two bedroom apartment. Out the window, a bird had landed on a nearby tree branch. It sang a broken three syllable melody. The melody shifted, and the melody changed, but it always rang out of the bird's mouths the loudest on the three last syllables. They were in a minor key.

The door bell rang. She opened the door and welcomed in two Jehovah's witnesses. She asked them to explain the part in the bible about sin and how that applied to her life. Not believing she was a sinner, she asked them why lying when the truth was none of their business was considered a sin. They answered that it was one of the ten commandments.

Rachel shooed them out the door. She walked over to her back porch and went outside. It was a winter day, so she put on shoes and a rain coat.

As the rain ran down her clothes, she whispered to the raven on the window sill. To her surprise, it spoke back!

"Why do you sing such a sad sad song?" Rachel asked the raven.

"I am a bird who echoes the sentiment of those around me. If you were joyous, so would be my song!"

There was a hard, firm knock on Rachel's door. As she waited for the knocking to stop, a large fish in her fish bowl swallowed a smaller fish in one gulp.

Rachel tore open a package on her counter. In it, there was a bird feeder. The bird feeder promised to serve those who enjoy bird watching. Rachel perched it on her deck and remained calm.

As she dozed off on the kitchen counter, her head fell onto the counter and she was struck by a vision. It was a hand pointed at a grandfather clock.

As she opened her eyes, the clock remained firmly ingrained in her mind.

As she closed a box of crackers. a loud ticking came from the ceiling. The ceiling was then torn off the building, and God was reaching into her living room! Rachel ducked but God grabbed her any way.

He placed her on the mountain top.

NOW SING!

Rachel bellowed out the star spangled banner.

NOW PRAY TO GOD!

Rachel got down on her knees and thanked God for the mightiness of the mountain top and nature in general, praying that he would help humans preserve it for future generations.

NOW READ!

And he handed Rachel a pamphlet. It was titled, "Caring for God's Creatures Great and Small."

Rachel got on a roller coaster, and was whisked away over the Pacific Ocean. In the middle of the journey, God pushed her off the roller coaster!

There was utter silence, as Rachel bobbed around in the water cold and all alone.

She prayed. And God spoke, "Now I will prepare you for your journey."

Rachel woke. She was sitting bolt up right in her bed. On the other side of the room, the rat in the cage regurgitated several oblong pellets.

The hand of God pointed to the clock.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Your time of glory is coming. For now, thy lord speaks and you listen."

What Atheists Don't Know About Christianity

At first glance, Christianity appears to be a scam. There is a far-fetched story you just have to believe without any (or is there any?) proof, take it "on faith," devote your life to it, and then you get the magical prize at the end of eternal life.

I went on a search for answers awhile back regarding Christianity. I started out a young atheist turned spiritual, then as my delusions began in 2006, started taking the whole idea that Jesus was God seriously. One of the reasons was because during my altered state, I had my God spot activated.

I realized as this began, that it was innate in my own psychology to believe that Jesus Christ was God. So here I was, rational, thinking things out, knowing that any hokey magical story that happened 2000 years ago was a myth... when I find a seed deep inside myself that already believes! I would say I was completely baffled by this, but I wasn't. The whole altered state experience was so life changing, it wasn't at all weird that I left my atheist ways and embraced Christianity afterwards. No hurt feelings about being wrong.

And this is the answer about the human race that the atheists who laugh at Christians do not have. Inside of us all, there is a Christ believer. Though, not literally everyone. I am told by my guides, some people simply do not feel anything at all when they hear about Jesus, when they have Jesus drilled in to them, or whatnot. Still more have to search to find the Christ believer inside themselves.

And then I fast forward a few years to 2013, and my exploration with the hell problem. It comes down to, atheists who scoff at religion say, you are punished for all of eternity with horrible horrible pain for using logic, and saying you are not going to believe a hokey story without any real proof.

When I went on my spiritual quest, I learned that's not it. It comes down to the hell problem, as I philosophized about as I went through altered states. Basically, God doesn't want to send anyone at all to hell. But, it just simply, happens after you die. It's like a bug in the software of the universe. So basically, you believe in Jesus, it creates a shortcut that gets you out of the universe before you are landed in hell and up in heaven with God. At least, this was the only way I could justify this strange set of beliefs. I personally, these days, don't believe in hell. And I understand why anyone confronted with a set of believers who think people who reject Christ deserve to be punished, should reject this set of beliefs and set them straight. Simply put, a loving God wouldn't do that.

And with this set of theories, came THE fundamental truth about the difference between atheists and Christians, according to believers: atheists trust their own brain, to a much larger extent than Christians do. Is this a good thing? I mean it sounds like a good thing. The answer is, NO! Atheists believe they can understand everything.

In my own personal universe here in la la Rachel Zuhl land, I talk to the spirits on a regular basis. I am consistently told, and keep in mind always, that my own brain and my ability to comprehend concepts in their world is very very limited. To the point where they explain things in a cartoonish fashion, or at least they sound that way, or don't explain at all because any explanation would be gibberish.

So can we understand the origins of the universe? NO! We have probably gotten as far as we can really understand, without dipping into miscellaneous minutea. There was a big bang, bam! we have the universe. Sounds a lot like the story of creation in the bible to me. At least, no important differences when it comes down to basic content.

The bible says, kind of like when we tell our kids to say no to drugs, just get saved. So you think, God told me this. God knows more than me. I'm going to get saved even though the basic idea of believing in a sinless being making an impact in where I end up makes no sense to me whatsoever. Kind of like how your eyes gloss over when your dad tries to explain to you how operating systems work.

Of course, I don't believe you need to get saved to avoid hell. But Christians who believe in hell, you use this theory or else you have no argument. There is no explanation for why God sends non believers to hell. Unless you are really so sheltered you think that people who do not think the way you do are inherently evil. And still, you would wonder if an inherently evil person is really so bad it justifies sending them to hell for all eternity.

Why believe in the bible? Well, if you know where to look there is historical evidence. But mostly, you find that seed inside you, innate in human psychology, that tells you that Jesus Christ was real.

Fire of Spirit Turned to High to Exterminate Ego

It started to hit Rachel as her guides were doing soul work on her. They were fixing the damage to the soul all of Rachel's life circumstance had caused her. As they do, it brings up the pain more, and there is no where you can hide from the reality of the situations.

Rachel began feeling completely worthless and suicidal. Rachel has the problem of severe lack of people in her life. The reason is, she never made an effort to stay in contact with anyone, ever. For whatever reason, she didn't understand that making an effort was an absolute necessity in making and keeping friends.

As Rachel's guides join in and harass Rachel, Rachel wonders what their fucking problem is. Can't they see I'm in a lot of pain? she asks. Alas, they do. This is part of the fire of extermination of the last part of the ego!

When Rachel was in the hospital the last time, which was less than a week ago, her guides told her she had cut the last ego cord. She did this by giving up a judgment of one of her peers. When she did this, endorphins slowly started to flood her brain.

At home, the soul work commenced. As Rachel carried on regardless, she realized that she never sees any of her friends! And she realized that might mean they are not her friends anymore, she realized she was fat, she realized she had nothing to live for. Of course all these problems are fixable.

As she sweltered in the heat, she imagined that maybe God was trying to break her down to get her to call out to him and ask for His help, and let religion enter her heart once more. Rachel did so, and God responded with words to Rachel's prayers, telling her he was helping her but she needed to continue trying to help herself, she needed to reach out to peers to create lasting friendships and put herself on the line a bit more often. He would send people her way.

As she sweltered and the heat started to wear off but still pressed onward, she decided she needed to give up living life for herself, which she still did even now. She needed to live life for other people.

Rachel's thought's continued, and the final extermination of the ego continued.

As she laughed, she imagined what she had been thinking earlier. Earlier that same night, she had been thinking, maybe if I just think hard enough in the right direction, I'll make myself happy. It turns out, this idea was spot on.