The Estuary: No One Loves You

The estuary is the cold reality of life. After all, who really loves anyone anyway?

I have no emotional closeness to anyone. I have only two friends I can talk to via the internet about real issues, one of them is going through a really hard time himself so I don't want to overburden that person, the other I have to hold back from because of a difference in belief systems.

I have parents who say they love me, but they don't really love me in a real way. I guess that's something though, isn't it? I imagine they try to the best of their abilities to love me, they are just incapable of really loving someone. When I was in the psych ward in Coeur D'Alene, refusing a medication that was causing me some sort of weird psychological problem on a subconscious level (thoughts kept repeating for a scary length of time), my mom comes in and the first words out of her mouth are, "IF YOU REFUSE YOUR MEDICATION WE WILL GET YOU INJECTED WITH IT!"

So I don't really feel like my parents love me. After all, they told me the time when I was doing the best, was the time when I was suicidal and sleeping all the time. I was doing better then then when I was happy, apparently.

And it comes down to, who really loves anyone? We are taught that your parents are the ones who love you unconditionally. And I'm not asking for unconditional love. But come on, all it is is an energy cord that makes them feel that way. Is that true love?

Sometimes, though, I feel like my parents like me as a person.

Anyway, I get love from unseen forces, and from myself. And I think, this is enough.