Mommy Laughs at Fate

There's a situation that's really interesting that I feel hesitant to talk about, worried about being labeled crazy... Which I know is laughable, I have said so many things that make me sound crazy to some. I'm enjoying the pregnancy already, actually. Despite feeling sick to my stomach, nasaeus, puking up nothing but phlegm at times. I guess I'm worried about being labeled unfit to be a mother, or paranoid, but I think there is some sort of religious/spiritual freedom issue. It's an interesting occurence in book 4 of the memoir series (Burn Like Jesus), with the emergence of Subbie there is a psychological incident with something called the "camcorder." I don't want to give too much away, but it is related to the idea of being a soul run by machine. The soul/brain connection. I started, not talking to, "thinking at" the unborn baby. I've heard that unborn babies are aware of what their mother is thinking. It's very obvious there is a baby in me now, when before I knew I was pregnant I could feel something in me, not sure if I was imagining it, and I was worried it was a stomach ulcer. Now, I can feel the presence of a small innocent person. I've been thinking it's a boy, and I may refer to him as a he, though I am waiting for a doctor to announce the sex. It's something about the mindflip, I can feel the soul of the baby, at first it was kind of represented as a little camera to show the presence of another soul in my mind... He indicates fears, concerns, and excitement for this lifetime. We are talking on a soul level, obviously his brain isn't developed enough to be able to understand and communicate, and I wouldn't expect him to remember after birth, but I think talking to him now might have some sort of interesting effect on the situation. I explain things in pictures and emotional connotations, and Subbie says he understands the emotional connotations of things. Subbie sometimes indicates that he understands. He doesn't say much, it's me talking to him, but sometimes I can feel an emotional reaction. My guides indicates this is very real, however there is a tendency to get carried away and then your brain might start confabulating things. He knows there is a climate crisis and knows who Donald Trump is because he has caught me thinking about him enough times, he has mixed feelings about Donald Trump. The emotions he usually expresses are excitement, fear, or interest. And love. He knows Daddy is a veteran and is interested in what that means, since I indicated they are highly respected, showing an image of hands praying (it's about the emotional connotation, not the image... I don't know if he understands what prayer is). He's not holy like Jesus or the Dalai Lama, he's faced situations sort of like (the abortion dream, with the ivy pulling machinery and the gym that turned into a tent and collapsed), he has a lot of problems because of it, it's hard to explain his status in society, but I thought of an image of someone pushing someone else to the ground to prostrate themselves like "SHOW SOME RESPECT!" People with good character have a lot of respect for the military. I use an emotional language when I do this. He doesn't usually say things, but I can feel him inside me and sometimes feel emotional reactions when they are strong. He asked me if he was wanted, long after I thought that was well-established that he was and I was fearful of miscarriage. Up until the other day he was very fearful of abortion, since unborn babies innately know when they are not planned and know that's an option for women. The issue though is that there is an IUD arm still stuck in me. This is a situation that is kind of funny how dumb it is, when at first they can't get out the IUD, however it is still in there protecting against pregnancy... I become overwhelmed by personal issues and forget to cancel the procedure with anasthesia for replacing it, I'm basically banned from that establishement but they inform me there are others in the area. They try again, manage to get it out but one of the IUD arms is still lodged in there somewhere, and they have to get it out using anesthesia, before replacing the IUD with a new one. We used a condom every time we had sex. There was no unprotected sex. My parents drove over here at one point, insisting that I get the IUD replaced, not to rely on condoms... Actually, that was a good idea, but with the current state of my mind I get overwhelmed with technical adult stuff like appointments, this is a problem I predict is temporary... So I was putting off rescheduling the appointment, I was busy with mysterious stuff and overwhelmed anyway, and even if I was to make an appointment at that time I was scatterbrained and I didn't do it because I figured I would miss it again and be banned from another gynecologist place. Except... conception had already occurred at that point. I think it happened when I made the Facebook post about "immaculate conception," (obviously, this is problem a situation where sperm was living in the vagina for a short period of time after sex and then ovulation occurred). It seems like this is an important baby though, like this is supposed to be someone important... So anyway, the "arm" is a scary topic to the baby. I was worrying about it yesterday, I forgot about it then I had a phone call and they said something about it on the phone, it being a concern, and the baby could tell I was worried and it started gripping me and telling me it was scared. That's the thing, you know, I don't know if it sounds crazy... But I can actually feel something sort of gripping at my aura in an emotional way with fear. However, I tried to explain my guides said it would not be a problem, and I trust them, the reason I still have paranoia about the topic, and excessive fear is a pitfall of human emotion, things don't usually happen as expected and they lie at times but usually it is to squelch a "whiny" desire in me. For example, the biggest series of lies they told was, constantly that in a couple months I would be famous... Kept not happening, and after awhile I got mad when they couldn't tell me the truth about that. When it comes down to the wire though, excitement for fame is replaced with fear. More often than not now, they don't lie, there are weird things they tell me then they say they are "kidding," which... there's something funny about that situation sometimes. More often than not though, the answer to my questions is, "We will play it by ear." The other thing, there is something psycholgically interesting in a different way about this situation. I remembered something I hadn't thought of in a very long time... At the beginning, summer of 2014 when my guides were new and we were working together, all happy and carefree, I would a lot of times ask them about strange psychological stuff I was experiencing, since there were many psychological things that would enter my head that were interesting, intelligent, but very bizarre. Or, at times just bizarre, like I noticed this phenomenon where I would look at the blade of a knife and feel like I was being pricked... My guides said that meant I was good for reiki (where you move your eyes and arms at a distance and spiritually do work on someone's aura). We did later practice reiki techniques, moving my eyes in patterns and feeling energy from a distance, however I never actually have done reiki on anyone, ever. There was some other reason for that exercise. Another thing is, reiki skills and picture reading go hand in hand. There were other very weird thoughts that entered my head at times and I would ask what they meant, and one of them was this picture, it wasn't clear in my head exactly what it was of, maybe of a battle or some sort of map, both at the same time. You would imagine this painting would grace the walls of the headquarters of a great emperor, world conquerer, or war general. My guides said, "That's something that will come up again later on." Well, it comes up again now. Some representation of the tyke. At some point, Subbie pointed out the baby was scared that meant he was supposed to go to war, which was a situation I didn't think of, though strange, that he would even think that. It's an indication of being great, not being a veteran like Daddy. At the risk of sounding over-confident, I actually feel like I am more capable of handling a baby then it appears on the outside. My guides at one point forced me to stay awake all night for weeks on end... That was business at the beginning, the ascension process, I was not physically capable of sleeping due to being on an "awkward" spiritual plane, NOT THAT I DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP OR FEEL TIRED ENOUGH TO SLEEP, LET ME TELL YOU THAT GOD DAMMIT. WOW, it is hard forcing yourself not to sleep when you are that sleep-deprived. That was without drugs too, some nights even without caffeine. It's for a global warming mission though, so I did it without complaints, and the same goes if I have to drag myself out of bed repeatedly at night to check on a crying baby. That's not even the only time I've been forced not to sleep. This may sound crazy to some, like my mother, but it's an understatement how much my guides have trained me in being strong. Right now, I am in a part of town I fucking hate, I have pointed that out to my parents and my mom says, "don't walk into it with that mindset." That's not the issue. I am already in the situation and it is already clear-cut it's the living situation I'm in and the shitty town that make me drink and use marijuana. I get sick of sitting around here and drinking and using marijuana, I'm much rather do something else, but I can't think of anything I can do I feel like I will enjoy. I have problems concentrating, I could get a job but money isn't even the problem anyway, it's not like there is even anything I want to buy that would make me happy besides a DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE... I need something to occupy me and distract me from drugs that has meaning and purpose. I am well-aware that's not a reason to have a baby, however, fuck, the baby was already conceived. As Ian says, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." That's the thing about my emotional state though, I'm not doing as poorly as it seems, this house just makes me feel sort of dirty. It's a dirty house. Of course, Chris had offered to let me move into his apartment, which fixes the problem. The thing is I don't know if the crime rate is better but the energy is better over there. On another note, the dream I had last night clearly indicated I am being underestimated. I don't remember what happened there was a situation with someone who reminded me of some dumbfuck on the internet who made a fool of himself, and Subbie pointed out it was about being underestimated here. The thing I remembered all of a sudden today awhile after waking up, there was this part of the dream where it wasn't clear I was a little kid but I felt like one, I was in my new house and I was excited because it had an office with a bunch of people working in it, which seemed official and interesting. I wasn't really supposed to go in but like an exuberant kid I burst in anyway, and I expected it to be all black people working but it was both black people and white people working on computers. It occurred to me that this must be about my child's excitement about a situation I keep referring to as a "council," the spirit guide/spirit situation on the other side. I don't know why there is a situation with black and white people since I wouldn't expect racial issues to have come up enough for the baby to think about them, but you never know what the baby would find interesting that you might be thinking about. I didn't try to explain racial issues to him, but come to think about it has come up a number of times. Just thinking now, Subbie has repeatedly expressed bitter disdain for Critical Race Theory. I don't know if it's embarrassing but I don't even know what that is on a conscious level, Subbie keeps saying we can look it up later. Anyway, that's all for now. To sum it up, I don't think I am being naive about the situation. I'm enjoying being pregnant, not looking forward to wearing maternity clothes, I'm understanding the severity of the situation but the gist of it is I don't feel like thinking about it too much working myself up about how hard it is and how much of a responsibility it is. I know, okay, I've thought about parenting before. The other think is I don't know actually because I haven't experienced it, but before I was like "I do not want the responsibility of caring for someone else." So I don't have an overly glamourous view of parenting at all, and that's an understatement. My guides keep saying, it's more fun than you are thinking. I am apparently actually thinking sick about it, at times. Yes, there are hard parts. There are also fun parts.