Something that was poignant that Subbie has always said about the spirit guide situation... When it first started, and my guides first came into the picture. A "higher up," there are lots of spirits like that, not technically spirit guides, but people who have spoken to me on a subconscious level... pointed out to me at the beginning, "Right now, your guides are making a good relationship with you. Later on, they will repeatedly push you to the brink of what you can handle psychologically without having a mental breakdown."
"I didn't understand, they meant that literally." Is what Subbie said about it.
This is a past issue, and I am passed the point of hitting mental breakdown, NOW... At the hospital, I screamed randomly in the middle of the night, and I was told I needed a shot for that reason. The next day, and besides the fact that I hadn't slept at all... I asked the security people, please don't go nuts with an antipsychotic, an antihistamine, AND a benzodiazepine... like shit, that's intense over-medication! "WE'RE not the ones going nuts!" Was one of the guy's nasty response. All I had done was scream once randomly, at that point, in the middle of the night, standing by the nurse's station. "Scream in your room!" That's not where the mental breakdown hit... I was thinking about something that I don't feel like sharing.
"Don't flirt with the security guards, they are bad people." I told everyone after that, as the women there always make googly eyes at the security guards.
Anyway... This is a past issue now, but it happened again at the group home. There was an intense over-exposure of obnoxious issues being made conscious, including my mom's over concern with my non-existent "anorexia" in high school, and this issue where no matter what, when it comes to my psychiatric care, we ignore the evidence, ignore my behavior and what I am doing and going through, in favor of blind adherence to the "medical model" of bipolar disorder and normal brains.
Actually, what I am talking about here... There was this situation in Coeur D'Alene, where I was first hospitalized in 2009 for perhaps being suicidal... No, I wasn't suicidal right then. Actually, the guides had just fixed the "conversation problem," or they were working on it, as that is NOT a straight-forward task... takes time and work. Anyway, at the time, peers were annoyed with me for talking too much, so I said fine, I won't talk at all, and I was mad. Anyway, my therapist sent me to the hospital, and at one point, I was almost sent to the state hospital for being suicidal... When actually, hey, at that point, I wasn't. Later on... Well, Geodon made me suicidal.
So... We are talking about 2009 now. At the hospital at that point, I was switched from Abilify, a sort of innocuous antipsychotic, to Geodon... These two are supposed to be the least likely to effect weight, and that is why they chose Geodon for me. Well, this isn't a strong point in my memory, but as I recall, I didn't actually make a fuss (which I should have, and that was the problem). Actually, I was cycling. Going high, low, high low, and the only reason at one point that I was even in the hospital... Was to deal with the nasty side effects of Geodon! Well, if you took me off it, I could leave the hospital and function fine... Yep. However, I didn't SAY that, because I was in very deep denial about the situation, in fact at that point I said, "Hey, it's bipolar disorder!" And that's because it was less painful to say that at the time, then it was to say, "Hey, I am at a facility where they are INSISTENT on putting me on a bipolar medication, this one is causing me harm! Who knows if they ALL will? Quiet, subconscious mind." So, at the time, I told myself it was bipolar disorder, while complaining about the new symptom of rapid cycling, which started right when I started Geodon.
There was a doctor there, one I only saw at the hospital, who INSISTED that I was manipulative. At the time, I didn't get mad, because there was something sort of cute to me about the concept of people who were manipulative... Not that I myself was actually DOING it. I had no fucking idea what that guy was talking about, or what his problem was.
So anyway, recently, I started breaking down when I finally figured out this issue. Actually, he thought I was FAKING the cycling, to get off Geodon... Because God dammit woman, Geodon doesn't do that no matter what, okay.
So I'm basically fucked, and I was put in a position where people ignore what the medications are actually doing to me, and forget that they aren't doing anything positive because there are no problems anyway, with my natural mood... And I am told I am LYING about the side effects. Indirectly, of course. And that was the doctor that insisted I go to the state hospital.
At the time, I said fine, state hospital might be better than Innercept... Then suddenly said, WTF? And I said that out loud, and they told me I didn't have to go. The case for me going to the state hospital was pretty weak, anyway.
Anyway, then all that Dr. Moses Ijaz shit I went through recently, where it was dopamine blockers, ignoring the evidence, actually, I have never had any side effects at all withdrawing from Haldol... Blind insistence on the medical model of bipolar disorder. And then suddenly... At the group home... All this hits at once, and I feel like screaming my head off...
Did I? Actually, my memory is fuzzy. What I do know, I screamed at one point and went in the other room, residents followed, and I felt like I was being mean when I told them to leave me alone. Like geez, if people are worried about violence, why are they following me? Actually, that's a strange thing to be worried about... Or at least, I was thinking that if I am screaming people assume it is my own fault and I'm about to get violent. Maybe that's a misunderstanding of the situation.
At one point, I got weak, there was a medical emergency, not necessarily an EMERGENCY, but I didn't feel well, and of course at the time I was in an altered state and couldn't actually slow myself down, either, so that situation sort of looked funny to them. There was something wrong with my heart, actually. Not palpitating, it DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT... Well, if it's not palpitating, then how do you know something is wrong? It feels strange and weak, not kidding, dammit... Don't know what to do about it though.
Anyway, I was going somewhere with this though. At one point, I had a mental breakdown in the restroom, actually. Residents there don't flush the toilet. I figured out later, they just do that because they hate their situation, as a "fuck you" to the facility. There's a sign that says flush the toilet, they see it, they can read, they still don't do it... At one point I took the sign down, and the toilet seat was left up with urine on it. I hummed and sang a song to myself while washing my hands after that incident, keeping calm.
And that's the thing, is that now with every toilet related incident that happens there, I keep calm. So, I didn't mention the one thing that happened yet... Before the toilet seat incident, at one point I was using the restroom, and the urine in the toilet had an annoying effect on my mentally breaking down psyche and I screamed, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?!" Which, of course, you know, I do NOTHING around there, I KNOW THAT DUMBFUCK. It was a reference to past altered states I have been in, with the mind flip, if something is annoying you, like a mess, you clean it up yourself... I have gone through altered mind flip states training my brain where I moved around CONSTANTLY, cleaning up, stuff like that. Using a different part of my brain to do these things, actually, and that outburst was a regurgitation of psychological left over gunk from that situation, not a reflection on the current situation, dumbfuck. Like, duh.
Anyway... So now, it's been stuff like, I have found toilet paper and shit literally on the seat now, actually. And... I don't get mad or anything. I have pointed it out to staff, but most of the time I just use a different restroom. There are three restrooms for residents at the house.
So, Subbie pointed out to me this morning, the guy who is doing it, and it's just one guy, called out to me last night on the spiritual plane and asked me why I haven't thrown a fit again. Which, Subbie said... That's literally the stupidest thing I have ever talked about on the spiritual plane. I am surprised that guy is even cognitively capable of using the spiritual plane if he is going to actually CALL OUT to me to ask such an asinine question.
My guides pointed out, like with something called "whistles"... There is a situation where people can "blow a whistle," that's what we call it, on you if you are doing something annoying, for example body odor. If you get enough whistles for the same reason, which is quite a bit, you have to do something on the other side to pay for the situation. It's for stuff that doesn't effect spiritual growth just annoys other souls. Anyway... the guy who is doing the toilet thing will have to pay for it somehow on the other side, and we suspect it's a down a dimension soul anyway.
The thing is the situation isn't even bothering me I think it's funny, but I almost feel annoyed with myself to laugh at someone who is being so completely stupid, like it's low to laugh at stupid people.
Anyway, the mental breakdown situation has cleared up though, actually. I have a different take on my life, actually. My life does not belong to me, and that's the word.
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