What is my life like right now? Right now, I am sitting at my computer, feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what it is. What's going on?
Seems like there is something right below the surface... One of those times where you stare blankly, feeling overwhelmed, but what is it? Nothing, that I can put my finger on. Something on a subconscious level.
So, I surrendered the ego. When I did it, I remembered the feeling of caring more about someone else than I did about myself, and tried to place a little of that feeling onto every single person in the world... To some degree, or some hint of that feeling. I had to surrender caring about thinness, while simultaneously working on weight loss. Enlightenment, what do you look like? It doesn't mean you don't care about how you are perceived by others... you want to be perceived positively, so looking your best is still important. However, aren't you supposed to surrender desire? How do I achieve weight loss, while simultaneously surrendering all desire? Well, I apparently did it, because Ian said, okay okay enough trying to surrender your skinny ego... You have already done that effectively.
Today I came home to my parent's house. I was feeling depressed, actually. Well, apparently the reason was, my guides were doing some intense soul work, on the period of time when I was a teenager and I didn't have that much of a social life, so I spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents. Very depressing thing to do, in retrospect. During the bus ride, I felt just... suicidally sad and lonely. This horrible loneliness is killing me! Don't worry, I am not going to attempt suicide, seems so fucking stupid in my position... I just wanted to point out, at times the loneliness is so crippling, I don't know what to do with myself. I've gotten older, and what happened to everyone? I miss the community of school, even being in a position where my conversational abilities were limited. Sometimes now, I feel like I'm the only person on Earth left, kind of... wandering around a barren plane where nobody exists. There is nothing to talk to with anybody but the weather, every conversation is about the weather... I wish I could talk to people about what is on my mind, but people will think I'm crazy.
Of course... I am sure there are people who don't think I'm crazy. But can I talk to them? I don't know who to talk to, I don't know how to bring it up... Erik has been distant and won't seem to really talk to me about anything anymore. I look at his picture to picture read, and it looks somewhat positive, in my direction... So, I say, give him space, in this situation. But damn, what do I do?
Splattered guts, splattered brains, splattered ego... everywhere. So I surrendered the ego, and now when I look at my pictures and read my aura, it looks sort of like I just have some sort of cocoon. Lost some sort of spunk, but that's probably not a bad thing... it's temporary. So, I guess after you surrender the ego, peace does not come IMMEDIATELY... What do I do now? I heard, you also have to overcome the desire for inner peace, as well... So apparently, I can't get too fixated on longing for the peace of enlightenment, or else it won't happen.
Splattered guts, splattered brains... I walk around, and there is something in the air or something, I notice at times... Is something weird going on? I feel like I must stand out like a sore thumb, and I am perceived strangely by others. At times it is a good thing... Other times, I wonder if people are looking at me funny, something I am doing that is off, more than anything my teeth, probably. It's hit or miss, you get it or you don't, I guess.
FUCK. I am left staring at myself in the mirror, like I always do when I sit at my parent's house in my room, not admiring my appearance, it's like I am interacting with the face in the mirror, or look at it like I am having a conversation with that person (myself)... And now I am just staring at myself, every once in awhile, with a weirded out expression.
But hey, on the plus side, I am perfectly happy with who I am. I am strong, intelligent, kind-hearted... And beautiful, but that's not something I internalize, that's my physical appearance and that's not who I am as a soul. There's some sort of notion that pretty women are bitches and are full of themselves... I grew up thinking I was ugly. I wasn't, but my face changed in my adulthood, I got prettier. So, I grew up without that ego crutch. Can I tell people on dating websites this? Nah... Fuck it, I'm not looking for love on there, anyway, just friends, and it seems like I should probably look somewhere else, too. Any guy who is interested in me, is going to seem too ordinary and is not of interest to me... Yawn.
This Lady Gaga song Babylon is helping me through this time. Every once in awhile, I need a new song, okay. I still have Eminem Death Note, but what of it? That's old news. Not really, but a new song helps a lot.
So I am happy with myself... I just feel out of place and like I don't belong, I can't relate on Earthly matters, and I need to fill my brain but my brain is unable to be filled right now. Got to wait it out. Eventually, I have this audio book I am supposed to be listening to. This boring sounding audio book about various cultural groups in America. Seems like a yawn, but Subbie says... Just listen to it, okay, something interesting happens when you do.
Everywhere I go, there is silence. No one talks to me. But ping, ping, ping. This person pings me, this person pings me, this person pings me... someone different each time.
It's like this Earth plane is now a silent room full of people. I am in the center, everyone is staring at me, I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and no one says a damn word to me.
And I wonder, have I gone mad? But it comes down to, I know something weird is going on... every single detail supports it. And I think of how I wasn't able to make conversation, for years in school, due to a cognitive problem with making conversation... That's a fact, and that settles it. I'm not crazy. But fuck, the notion to everyone else on the Earth plane, or a notion that exists, is paranormal/spiritual stuff is hogwash.
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