Did it LITERALLY save my life?

Sometimes, Conscies can be dumb... Conscie goes on, well, "I THINK Eminem Death Note LITERALLY saved my life..." You know, I can't pin point an exact moment, where I was thinking of taking my own life and than I thought of Eminem Death Note... And Subbie says, you are being absolutely ridiculous, Conscie. YES, Eminem Death Note quite clearly LITERALLY saved my life. It changes the entire ball game, to the point where I am not thinking about suicide to begin with... Without it, I would have tried something again already. You know, there have been a number of very interesting coincidences, looking at the media, and you know, stuff... Seems like something interesting is going on. It comes down to, with all that, you can get in a dark mood where you say, these things are just interesting coincidences... You can't do that with Eminem Death Note. There are just too many fucking interesting coincidences in one song, I think of that and it is decided: someone knows about my situation. Of course, I feel completely unproductive... This group home living environment has got me down is what I chalk it up to, but I'm not sure what to do about that right now, or if I'm just supposed to put up with it... Of course, I need an alternate activity. I am going to start listening to my audio tape, and Subbie is apparently supposed to be "integrating." Of course, that has been supposed to be going on for awhile... However, people tell me, hey, if you want to quit using alcohol/marijuana... You have to have some sort of REPLACEMENT activity. Dreams last night were about interesting situations, but not much I'm able to explain correctly upon waking. Something about my blog, and proof of God/Jesus... I can't argue for Jesus, I can argue for God... One of the dreams last night was about being in some outdoor public place, it was sort of like the waterfront of downtown Portland, that was the closest real location to it but it wasn't exactly that either... I was walking by and there were a bunch of young people partying by the river, and I was remembering how there was this large circular brown thing on the ground, some sort of "drum" or DJ equipment for dancing, and I had had a bad experience right there one time that was horrible. As I was looking around reflecting on my "bad experience" which I couldn't exactly remember what it was... There was some indication that there was something dumb about how I overreacted to the incident which happened a long time ago. It must have been something like, I was a little kid, and I was walking by the brown circular thing, and an older guy said something to me, and it startled me but he meant no harm. That's what I chalked it up to in retrospect, and I was thinking about how dumb it was that I was so easily startled in my youth, but maybe it was the cause of overreaction to fears in my life now, and I was now much stronger than I was thinking. I haven't figured out what the brown circular thing was actually supposed to mean, but I remembered upon waking that it sort of reminds me of a dream I had sophomore year of high school, where there was a brown circular base to some sort of playground equipment on a abandoned playground with a very weird feeling. Subbie pointed out a long time ago, it was a collective unconscious reference to a ruined childhood, "Kristen was sending you bad energy about not being social and your psyche was worried that bad energy was ruining your childhood." It was a long time before I figured out, Subbie was kidding... the abandoned playground "ruined childhood" collective unconscious story was being looked at by my psyche on a subconscious level, but it wasn't really relevant given the situation, so Subbie was making a joke about the societal attitude about Kristen's bad energy usage. Another thing that happened in the dream, there was a bunch of stuff about food I don't want to explain because the point is lost, the dream wasn't really about food, and I don't know what the real point was... At one point I was on a bus traveling somewhere, and we were going to stop at a restaurant. We had a vote and chose the restaurant I wanted to go to. Then, the vote was overturned. As it turned out, people had been intimidated by the question and there was some sort of biblical reason to choose the restaurant I wanted to go to, so we re-voted and chose somewhere else, that I didn't want to go but it was fine. Then, my dad came and sat down at the bus table across from me, since there were little tables on the bus. It was kind of weird that he was there and clear that he didn't need to be there, however he was just keeping me company. The place that was chosen was an ice cream place, and they came down the isles asking us which kind of ice cream we wanted. The thing was, the only options they had were chocolate and vanilla, and I was so bored with those options I didn't even order any. I felt some sort of necessity to post this morning, like people are interested in hearing what I am up to. In essence, it's "pull myself up by my bootstraps," with Jesus as my guide, I guess.