Murder Thy Elephant

What is Murder Thy Elephant? Well, it happened a year ago now, where Subbie said, "We are entering Murder Thy Elephant. What do we do in Murder Thy Elephant?" It was a rhetorical question to Conscie. Conscie of course, had no idea what Subbie was talking about. To get some background on the situation, I was in a Coricidan induced alter states quite a few months before this, and Subbie wanted to do something weird. Seemed weird to Conscie, but Conscie always listens to Subbie like a good bitch Conscie does. I'm kidding, by the way. It sort of seems like it. It was a picture, "Ding dong ditch pro," a meme where someone ding dong ditches their own house. Conscie had reservations about doing this but Subbie wanted to, so okay Subbie. Actually, Conscie wasn't sure she even got the joke so she didn't want to make fun of Emily's meme right there. In retrospect, it occurred to me the idea was to cause a diversion in a strict household so you can sneak out the backdoor. Not sure, that was just an idea that occurred to me later, and I wasn't embarrassed because Subbie was certain of her reasoning right there. By the way, Murder thy Elephant was spelled wrong, on purpose. Conscie knew that, but couldn't even figure out what the correct spelling was anyway, to be honest. So, later it came up that this was supposedly some reference to Christian literature that wasn't actually in the Bible, or so Subbie said. But at any rate, Murder Thy Elephant meant we leave the house, and it was an incident that no one in the Rachel Zuhl Experience was actually looking forward to. That's why I'm confident in my reasoning that I will never get violent with anyone at all again. Naturally I was only drunk when I attacked my mother, it makes me cringe when I think about it, and I do not wish harm on others ever. I didn't actually want to do that, and Subbie, believe it or not, has the power, and has demonstrated so in the past, has power over the conscious mind, to take control. This is the part of the situation that has always horrified me that I have known about on subconscious level ever since the obsession with the movie Fluke. At the time, I was always annoyed by this situation, the violence was the BIG HORROR, but I was also annoyed by the situation where I would even be required to lie to my parents. However, on a subconscious level in fourth grade, my spirit guides were explaining things, and it was Subbie this, Subbie that, Subbie is wonderful, and I can't fucking wait till I get Subbie! Just... the big yucky. At one point, Subbie has to violently attack my mother and confirm everyone's apparent suspicion that the mentally ill are dangerous and sociopathic. So... Why the hell would "we," (myself, God, spirit guides), insist on even having such a horrific act in the grand plan? It seems easy to guess. To make a point about how belittling guardianship parents can be. Everyone reaches a breaking point. This woman, my mother, has a nasty opinion of the mentally ill, and assumed without asking that this "poor weak trembling child" wouldn't for the life of her want to be on the streets. And gosh darnit, she didn't understand from the getgo that this was SAD, gosh darnit Rachel this is SAD, stop acting happy! It always seemed like my mom was more upset by the situation than I was, when I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Rachel just for the life of her does not understand the seriousness of the situation, if I see her smiling or acting happy at all. You have no shame, Rachel. You should feel ASHAMED, not delighted. Some people who have mental illness, might get so overwhelmed by a mother who is so belittling of mental illness, mopes and acts overly dramatic about it, someone who thinks the stigma of mental illness is more intense than Rachel does... You know, on another topic entirely, I have always been interested in mental illness and I believe I would have a light-hearted attitude about the situation if I knew that's what it was. What is shame, by the way? Different from humiliation. Shame is more "party foul and remove from the pack." On a related note, there was a required incident early in life that taught me what shame felt like. I feel weird bringing it up actually, I was wondering though if my parents made a permanent judgment of my character based on an incident that happened when I was in Kindergarten. It was a relatively easy exercise at the time, a mysticism decision, which... don't get me started on weirdo shit about deep levels of soul awareness throughout my lifetime effecting actions. Anyway... it was an early incident in teaching myself what human emotions felt like, and I was so young that it wasn't so important that I didn't easily dropped it after my dad apologized. This situation is actually sort of funny now, but hard to believe. I don't want to kook the fuck out of everyone, like everything I say does, I feel, sometimes. Going off topic... There are so many incidents I am looking at now, with other people, where people aren't humiliated, no, worse than that, they feel shame. With humiliation... "No, don't feel embarrassed, I didn't make a character judgment based on the situation. At least, not one I didn't already make of you." Referring to weird attitudes about picture reading here. Anyway... That's why there is a joke about "Murder Thy Elephant." Actually, "Cage the Elephant" is a very memorable band name to me, based on the name of the band alone. I like the music too of course, however there is something weird about even listening to it now because the album I was listening to is so closely intertwined with the time period, which is when I was at stabilization at Innercept. Subbie indicated, on a subconscious level, while at stabilization listening to Cage the Elephant, I went wild thinking about a situation where a well-known children's author visited the school, back in elementary school. The idea was that you tether the elephant with a little tether to the ground when it is small, it learns it can't overpower the tether, and when it's big it doesn't even question that assumption, even though it could as an adult elephant. In a family discussion, Kristen said to my parents, in the weak voice of a scared child, "I'm that elephant, mom and dad." Referring to her problems with school. So, back to stabilization... I was thinking, what if the elephant did anyway? Well, you would need to cage the elephant! And then what would happen if the elephant kept growing? You would need more and more cages, each one larger than the last. And lots of variations on what would you do with the darned elephant that wouldn't stop growing. So, back to the task at hand, which is explaining Murder Thy Elephant. Subbie asked Conscie, not long before it happened, "What do we do during Murder Thy Elephant?" Subbie didn't indicate at all what it was, and it seemed to be to the effect of, "Watch out, Conscie. I don't like this part either." Subbie doesn't usually cause problems. With Conscie, it is Subbie this, and Subbie that. Subbie is magical and wonderful. And I wouldn't expect Subbie to get violent again. It's a situation that seems completely ridiculous, when Laura the case manager asks, "What if you feel the urge to get violent with your parents again?" Kind of like asking me, "What would you do if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus?" The most ridiculous situation I can possibly imagine. Well, what would you do Laura, if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus? Walk the other direction. I guess. I don't even want to answer that question it seems so absurd.