There was a Facebook post I had awhile back, maybe early 2017, about how going through the depths of misery together, creates a profound friendship.
I'm not talking about other residents at Innercept. Not that that is completely irrelevant either, I would have to ask them how they felt about Innercept after the fact. Something other people may not know, there is a difference in Facebook protocol if you went to treatment together. After the fact, sometimes people unfriend and add back, and it is understood that it was nothing personal. Basically, we were in such a bad mood during treatment, "I don't want to think about you, but it's not you. You just remind me of that period of time."
I'm talking about the Dynamic Trio: Matthew, Hugh, and myself. I was without proper emotional support, not a whole lot of friends, or really any... I mean, it's rude not to call people at Innercept friends, but there weren't many I was close to. Matthew was the only person I talked to from home, throughout my stay at Innercept. Even so, we were kind of distant. However, we hung out on home visits, and talked a bit online.
When Matthew moved to LO, he felt like he had friends there. People talked to him, treated him like a friend, but everyone abandoned him after he left high school. Why? They got really tired of listening to all those fucking stories, because the situation got downright ridiculous because people didn't tell him to his face that they knew they were lies. So, I was one of the only people who stayed friends with him.
I was dealing with my own hell, of course, as some may already know. The worst part was Geodon, how at times it seemed to turn my life into a living hell, causing rapid cycling as well as brain damage. And, in case you don't know already, that story eventually had a happy ending: I got neurofeedback when I moved back to Lake Oswego, by a very competent naturopath, Dr. Winkleman. There weren't any really good theories on how it came about, but I noticed interesting changes during and after each session. The thing I wanted to point out about that, Dr. Winkleman thought we had a whole bunch more work to do, and my spirit guides at that point pointed out that we only have to do a few more sessions, and the rest will correct on its own.
I still tell people, 2010 was a great year. Yeah, for half the year I was on Geodon. Well, I pulled myself back up by my bootstraps, when I got my Adderall prescription back in late 2009. So yeah, that made all the difference. Of course, not that I myself don't deserve most of the credit here. The good year was actually 2011, when I started my blog. I felt that that was a monumental positive shift in my life, and still do. Best thing I could have done for myself.
Anyway, Hugh was free... or was he? He had a demon. I remember back when I was living at Wilson, I read his blog on Myspace. He talked about feeling like at times he "had no choice" but to do something, and it was something bad... and indicated that he considered himself subhuman. When I read it, that was so weird I had a hard time believing it. When my guides entered the picture, they told me, "If we were you, reading that, we wouldn't think he is delusional, or lying, or crazy... We would think, this is very clear cut. This guy has a DEMON."
It's come up many times, he was hinting at something, reading his blog... There was some incident that he regrets, maybe more than one. They won't tell me what it is. They have made up interesting stories, and then afterwards indicated that they were kidding. "That's for him to tell you, Rachel."
At any rate, the demon forces him at times to push people away, people who care, people who he gets along with a little too well. It also forces him to do things that cause other people not to like him as much. And, I don't know the story here. I haven't talked to him in person about it.
Luckily, the demon doesn't affect him on the spiritual plane. That is "low" level awareness... Hmm. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not entirely sure myself, and I know my little up/down model of awareness (in terms of conscious, semi-conscious, subconscious near the surface, etc.) is flawed. The model is flawed, that's why the entire time I have been looking at this Subbie/Conscie situation funny because it is so strange, but it's hard to deny it is happening. Subbie is me, yes. How do I know? Hihh... Well, for one, right at the beginning, they told me not to have a pretentious romantic relationship with Conscie. At one point, Subbie forgot, started saying something sweet to Conscie, and I forced myself to stop so suddenly it brought "conscious" awareness down into the Sub. Hey, that is me, isn't it? I am doing the talking here. I'm Subbie.
Other than that... Subbie isn't always the same. In at least the year 2021, I have sometimes wondered if that's Subbie at all, because Subbie is "boring." Which "King" am I using? I can switch it up and use a deeper King, by the way... And, that's not always the best idea. Am I just walking around talking to myself? Because Subbie isn't that interesting anymore... Of course, there is something really weird about convincing myself that it is just in my head, it never happened... I clearly remember things, like at the beginning, at one point I had to make an effort to talk from Conscie, not Subbie. I was actually losing the ability to only talk about stuff I consciously knew about people. During one hectic night/morning in 2014, a required exercise was to sit and talk inanely to myself about people and things I knew about them from conscious experience. Every once awhile, at times, while I was doing, something, let's just say. Something else... Actually, it was during the Ascension Process.
So, during Innercept, spiritual plane conversations with Hugh and Matthew kept me happy and going, a lot of the time. When the experience was over, even though we were sort of distant during the time, Matthew and I attached a love cord. This is a platonic love cord.
Other than that... Playing the psychology game is interesting, right now. My roommate seems to talk to herself about me most of the time... This is a very interesting situation. Also, fuck, do I even want change? YES, however, everyone is resistant to big jarring changes that are mysterious. And that's the word, that's where I will leave you.
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