I felt like I lost control yesterday, of my choices, words and actions, through the introduction of a REAL alcoholic beverage and not the cheap ones. So yes, I was agitated and I relapsed again. So kill me. In the past, I have used alcohol to calm down my psyche, which was agitated due to the concept of "Psychological Factors Unknown."
It has come to me that, through the resolution of the Subbie/Conscie Conundrum... There was a situation in my youth, where the mice behind the curtain, spoke to me for the very first time. The "people" or spirits who would speak to me on a subconscious level since childhood, were preparing me for my destiny.
The first time it happened, I was a 6 year old outside and a spirit named Ian said to me, "You know, the Queen of Babylon's famous flaw was reaching for the milk." Upon question, he said he was referring to my mom and the way she gets angry when asked about dinner. Any questions about dinner get greeted with anger. Please, don't ask her what's for dinner. That was an extreme point of irritation for her.
There was a situation they were preparing for me, which was long in the future... Where I would reach my destiny and become a great woman, the Great Queen, woman, whatever... of Babylon. It came with a catch, but someday, I would take the throne, so to speak. I wasn't quite sure what they meant, but... That was the purpose of my life.
Prior to the Dark Afternoon of Azul, I was up all night, I sometimes spend several nights up without much sleep in altered states... Well, what was I doing? I did this, and this, and this, as factors in my psychology was changing very rapidly, accepting the situation and letting things go. For it was my mom's fear of anorexia, or possible idolization with the topic... But simultaneously acknowledging that it was serious... The Great Moper and Weeper of our time, who had been very fearful of a possible mental illness when I switched schools and became a sociopath, all of a sudden, or a wimp, or a sociopath, or a wimp... the Either/Or game was played at the time, without further inspection of my psychology through questions and emotional discussions, or rather, through asking me questions.
At the time, I knew something about the situation was strange, since I caught myself thinking, the first time my mom told me the school councilor told her I wasn't making friends at my new school. "Yeah, and she thinks this is a BAD thing...." I was thinking that, I didn't say that allowed, I wasn't happy at all about this situation. I was absolutely devastated at the time due to the Social Predicament, however I knew there was some point far, far in the future when the tables would turn. However, a great amount of moping and agitated ruminating went on behind my back, though not a word after that was spoken to me about it. And if a word had been spoken, it may have happened like once, I didn't want to think that I was missing out on the Game of Life by not talking in school. I think there may have been a situation when my dad spoke to me about it and told me speak or your missing out. Which, you know, I couldn't, okay... I didn't understand the back and forth movement of conversation.
It says in the report, and this is well documented and there are people out there who do know this by the way... ha ha, hee hee, who who. Anyway, there are people who do have access to the information where I moved to a new school, did not make friends, however, there was some indication that I never tried. Which is ridiculous, why wouldn't I try?
Actually, I was given a cognitive impairment where I was unable to make conversation, and I know that sounds completely ridiculous, however when people spoke to me, I just could not think of anything to say, or even, kind of, acknowledge that I was supposed to speak... Actually, no, I didn't get the back in forth movement of conversation, which allowed me to miss out on the comfort of human relationships, for a period of time.
The woman in the Wandering Womb has no language of her own. Not only that, she is hyped up on lust.
Anyway, what was I saying again? This wasn't my idea, okay. and they GET that, apparently, I receive somehow.
I was getting agitated, and no, medication does NOT help the situation, but there is a great amount of denial in my household about that situation, I am forced to disrespect my brain over and over again, and it escalates. I am not allowed to play doctor for myself, not allowed to diagnose my own dopamine deficiency... I have to go to the doctors, who play by the rules of insanity, let's try the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
At the same time, I am without social connection or emotional support, feel very unloved, and I have absolutely no one I can turn to in a time of need. In 2014, a little over a year after I got out of Innercept, the The Great Willy Wonkas... (this is a joke about a situation in 2013 when I had a dream where people were whispering about how Willy Wonka was coming... It was a funny dream, and I wrote a blog about it at the time.
Sitting at a bar, the woman at the counter asks me what I would like to drink. I decide to, hey, have something a little different this time... How about something more sophisticated like an Azul? Yeah, more expensive, and they encourage you to go nuts at these places by not listing the price of the drink on the menu. So, I had to ask, to point out to the bartender that I am an Innercept "kid," I had my childhood ruined when my parents were brainwashed by a salesman, who told them a gripping, touching story about how a friend of his killed himself and Dr. Ullrich was so grief-stricken that he decided to create a treatment center where even the linens and sheets are designed to help mental illness. This way, Rachel would indeed get life schooling.
So I drank, and as I did, harassed my dad while he was clearly sleeping, for after all, this is the Great Azul and different alcoholic drinks... at times, have different effects, let's just say.
So, well... I was making videos, and, umm... Actually, what exactly happened right there isn't important anymore. I got it, I still have a vanity crisis, okay. Let's just say, I am finally comfortable with my facial appearance, as I have always wanted to be pretty and now I am. Let's just say there were facial strengthening exercises. Please, don't try this at home, it ages your face without spiritual influence.
So, what was I saying again? Okay okay, okay... DROPPED TOPIC. As the Great Hackers and Mystics of our time collide, I must humble myself about my situation, the raging necrophiliac the sexual wooing energy turns me into... the spiritual plane situation... And... I didn't think I was doing that, but... Hey, it's enlightenment. Get rid of all ego complexes, geez.
So, I just wanted to point out, I will try to have more of a filter, try to be more understanding to women especially, however this was not my choice, this situation. For after all, the Indigo Children will help us create a society that flourishes, a time of plenty, and love and joy will abound.
"I love you."
So let's just... drop topic.
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