Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 22

Where do you think you are going, missy? Alfred asked me as I went to the shower room.

I am going to take a shower!

Not without your mascara brush, little girl! He scowled at me from above.

I took a shower, and Alfred told me a story. The two of us were walking down a road. When we got to the end, we parted ways. When we got to the end of those roads, we rejoiced, for we were back on the same road. Then, a large peacock swooped down and stole my blush container, and I was pale for the rest of eternity.

Always wear blush. It makes your face look more attractive.

He told me another story. We were walking to the grocery store. On the way, I stopped for a Jolt. On the way back, I lost touch with my spirit guides from the caffeine crash.

Never walk to the store anymore. It is too far. Ask for them to drive you, lazy nitwits. They should if it's that important that they have a happy and healthy daughter.

One more story. One girl named Ramona was walking to the towel store. When she got to the towel store, they were plumb out of towels that suited her fancy. As she bought a small rag, a wondrous young man took her by the hand, and she used the rag to pat her mouth before kissing him.

You do not do kisses with lipstick ever. Men hate that.

He was joking, because of my misguided belief about lipstick last year.

When we walked to the grocery store for real, I bought coconut water. On the way back, my dad called me and asked where I was. I said at Trader Joe's. He made me mad for acting like I wasn't supposed to go there.

Monstrosity! Alfred said.

We walked home and drank coconut water. On the way, I stopped for an energy drink. It was a Red Bull. As I slurped, a wondrous female entity came up to me and asked me for my information.

“I am making a book of all the regular customers of this deli, and I needed your information for the book!” she exclaimed with excitement.

It's a trap, she's going to follow you to your house. Don't give her your address, Alfred said.

What is this woman you speak of? Ramona? She is dead to you, pretty girl. Dead! Alfred exclaimed. He did an animation in my mind. A woman walking alone down a path, taking a wrong turn, and ending up at a privileged home for white boys.

Watch out! Don't make a fuss of the angel, little girl, Alfred said. As he did so, an angel appeared, and entered my body, to help my endocrine system. We laughed and cheered, for we were hoping that would happen.

On the way home, I found a nickel on the ground. Don't look at the date, it's not a good year, said my guides. I looked and it was 2013. But it is a good year! Doubt! Doubt! Maybe you aren't real after all.

Relax, little girl. We did not look, remarkable woman.

Then, we came upon another spirit wandering randomly through the office park. “What do you want, woman? I am looking for my child, she is lost in this place. You are nothing, nothing, nothing!”

I heard the spirits around me. “MORPHINE!!!” one screamed.

Another one came up behind me. “Don't look down!”

Why did it say that?

It was probably someone falling off a cliff, and he was told not to look down. Don't worry about these scumbags, these are bad spirits.

We walked home, and went up to my room.

Time for a show!

Alfred did an animation of a ballgame. A woman was at bat. She hit the ball as hard as she could, but could not find her way to first base. On the way to second, she stumbled and fell and broke her ribs.

This is you, if you move too fast in the relationship, Alfred said. Do not worry about that at all. He wants to go quickly. But you do not, I know you. So take it easy. Wait for sex on the third date, if at all. Guys expect it on the third date.

He did another animation. A wombat, looking cute and cuddly. A woman entered, took him off the ceiling, and fed him women. When he ate women, he became strong and healthy. Then, he looked at himself in the mirror, and screamed. He had grown too big, and it was startling. He started doing crunches and exercising to get down to his original weight, but it would not come off.

You will never weigh so little again, sweetie. You have put on muscle mass that is not used for lifting, but is part of puberty. It weighs quite a bit. If you get back down to what you weighed earlier this year, you will be too skinny and people will scream and cry when they see you.

He did another animation. One where he was looking in the mirror at a picture of his face, when a girl walked in the room and barfed.

That's you. You think I'm ugly! He screamed and cried.

I don't think you're ugly, just a little bit different from what I thought you would look like is all...

Please, don't rub it in!

We walked to the Quickee Mart. On the way, a spirit screamed and howled at my face. I laughed at his small body. He screamed and told me to fuck off.

On the way back, we stopped and looked at the sights. A beautiful dog was coming up behind us. Oh God, Alfred said. I hate pets!

We walked faster to avoid the dog. On the way home, we thought we saw my dad thinking thoughts of running rampant and watching television, but we thought that must be in my head.