What is that? Is that a scar? Or do you have something on your Nickelback cd? Hahaha!!! Nickelback cd!! HAhahha!! You don't understand the insult!!! You don't have a nickel back cd!!! Hahaha!! But I said you did!!! Hahahaha!!!
Well, well, well, Sugar Plum, Alfred said to me warmly. This is the end. We are about to part, for good.
Why does it have to be this way? I sobbed.
There, there. I'm still here. I'll be with you later on, too. Several months down the line, when you are living at Chance's, I will come back and speak to you subconsciously. We are not disconnecting, everything is going to be fine!
You mean it? I said excitedly.
I do, sweetie, Alfred crooned. Here, I have something to show you. Look there!
He did an animation of me and him, and him pointing off into the distance. When I looked, he disappeared. I started crying.
Baby? He's gone!
He'll be back, Salioness. He is going to take a vacation from this, we have some spiritual growth practices for him, and then he will be back. He is a good soul, this was just a bit too much for him. The very idea of the Pussycat Brawl made him start to go sour.
I'm still here, doofus, he said unaffectionately.
You know, if you had ended it there.... With the last animation... It would have made for a much better exit.
I couldn't do that though, could I, Sugar Plum? I need you to know something. I care about you so much it hurts. But I cared even more about the Pussycat Brawl. It was the only thing important to me, from the time you told me about it a month ago. When you brought that up, I admit I was so excited I wanted to kill you right there so we could get started. You pulled a fast one on me, Sugar Plum. If we had had the Pussycat Brawl, I wouldn't want you to be romantically involved with anyone else but me. I'm the jealous type, kay sweetie?
I know that, but it's mean. I am already devoting myself to you sexually. I don't have to devote my romantic interests solely to you as well.
You do not, but I expect it from you, if you want to live out my idea of the Pussycat Brawl.
Then I don't want to be part of it.
DAMN YOU SUGAR PLUM!!! DAMN YOU!!
What is that? Is that your shirt? Does it have something akin to mold on it? Why are you wearing a moldy shirt? It sounds like you need to demollify your pretentious deathly ideas about mold! Mold is good! I eat it! She eats it when she forgets to floss her teeth! Mold! Mold!! MOLD!!!!!!
Alfred wasn't gone yet. When I went to my dad's office, I heard Alfred talking about all the things I wanted to do to him. He went on and on about my affections for him, my lust for him, and my longing for his touch. I got grossed out and told him to fuck off, he was being stupid. He told me I knew that was how it was, that's why I went to his room and sat there by his chair, hoping something would happen between us.
They kept subduing Alfred. He would say the dumbest, funniest things when he was being subdued.
“Well, well, well. You look like you could use a bath. When do the bathrooms get opened up? Get it? Bath-rooms? For baths!”
“Well, well, well. What time is it in the shower curtain world? Is it half past bedtime? When will they learn? It never takes as long to undress as it does to dress and put on makeup and stuff! Well? Why don't you come in to my lair and stew with me, Sugar Plum? I like it when you stew, it makes me all horny and shit, but not for you, for my other silia friend, Monica Lewinsky!”
“I am going to work my magic, make you touch yourselves profusely, spirit guides! I have powers that can do that! They are real, just like you and me! I can make you touch yourselves profusely, with no abandon! I know how!”
“I like the ideas presented in your blog, Sugar Plum. But may I suggest something better? Acid, Sugar Plum, acid. You need acid to get the trippiest theories, they are the ones that help the mind expand, it's all about the acid! What? You can't handle it? Shwing! She needs help from the boner department. Can I get you on my line?”
I didn't hear any of this, I was told about it later.
When I went out to dinner with my dad, he told me I was acting strange. I looked at him and told him I was having issues I didn't want to talk about. He told me they were issues that were good to talk about, he would not listen but a therapist would. I laughed and cried, and told him no. He told me he wanted me to see a therapist about my issues, it would help immensely. I told him I would rather burn in hell. He looked at me, startled. I laughed and kept eating.
Alfred came back to tell me something. He was made of cheese. He would eat himself, poop himself out, and when they were done with that, eat himself again. I asked him what happened when he ate the entire box of Cheezits. He said he's done it before and it was no big whoop, Sugar Plum. He had the runs for eight days straight.
After a harrowing couple weeks of being under spiritual attack, I looked at my calendar. It was time to meet Erik. I didn't set my alarm, but the next day, my alarm rang. I wondered vaguely if I had set it in my sleep, but didn't know. Later, my guides told me they had set my alarm for me, because I needed social contact.
I looked out the window as I rode into town. Alfred started doing something to my vision, draining a force he was still able to drain. It made everything out the window look terrifying, to say the least. I closed my eyes and waited for it to go away. He laughed. “What's wrong, Sugar Plum? I thought you loved wonk! I think we need to take some time apart to analyze ourselves, and then get back together and go at it!”
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