Innercept: A Mixed Bag of Delights

I'm really in the mood to write a blog, but I don't know what my audience wants me to talk about. Some of my popular blogs are spiritual blogs, blogs about my mental illness, and Innercept. Wait, those are pretty much the only things I ever write about.

I have been out of Innercept for over a year now. What has this year been like for me? Well, it's been the best year ever, minus some of the drinking I could have done without.

Those are some memories of the year that came back to me recently, being drunk and depressed. Basically, if I'm alone, and I'm drunk or I have been drinking, I am depressed.

When I first got out of Innercept, I faced a major dilemma. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, actually I know I have, but my problem was I grew up not being social. When I was delusional, I would sit around at home and hardly ever do anything social, and I was just consumed with my own thoughts.

In high school, I spent weekends alone most of the time. Never went to parties. Never drank. Never did much of anything besides sit at home and program my computer. I had enough of a social life to make it so I didn't feel alone and depressed, but compared to most people, it was hardly anything.

So this is what happened as a result of me being at Innercept. I don't know if it's really anything Innercept did. But I am social now. I can talk to people now. I'm not "conversationally challenged" like I used to be, where someone would try to talk to me and I would either stare blankly or give one word answers.

So I was exposed to people all the time. And I had spurts, where suddenly it was like, "wow, I can talk!" Trouble is, there was no filter, so I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. And people got annoyed and I went silent again. And then I later opened back up.

Anyway, so what I am trying to say is, if Innercept did anything for me, it was make me social. I have friends now from all over the country.

So I get back home, and I don't have a whole lot of friends in Oregon. There were like two people who I would actually hang out with, Rebecca and Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, though we have long since went to just being friends and things are cool like that.

So I come home and I'm social and I have hardly anyone to hang out with! Gradually, though, I began meeting up with new people.

Group settings are the hardest. One on one, people will talk directly to you, and you can keep the conversation going. If you are in a group of three or more people, they will talk to each other and exclude me. I remember in high school, I liked groups of three or more people better because the pressure to talk wasn't on me. But now I find this to be not the ideal social situation.

I realized that I am too shy to NOT drink in some social settings. This is why I say, I fucking hate drinking, but I am going to keep drinking on occasion, on hopefully as rare of occasion as possible.

It doesn't fuck with my meds. I had some CRAZY CRAZY delusional experiences in the past year, but the mental issues that accompanied those have disappeared. My intrusive thought problems have all but gone away. I have slight anxiety sometimes but that's all.

So, honestly, I will say that Innercept can be good for antisocial people. I'm not really antisocial at heart, like some people are, but I was kind of like a feral, undomesticated cat, which has the potential to be social and domesticated.

However, Innercept is insanely expensive and not helpful for a lot of peoples' problems. Like kleptomania. I don't steal, but I knew people from Innercept who did. And honestly, I don't know how you fix that.

Innercept keeps you kind of sheltered in a comfortable cocoon. One of the great things is that everyone who is there has issues, so for the most part, the most part, people don't judge you for your issues. At least, no one I encountered judged me for being bipolar or delusional or crazy. If your problem is say, torturing and mutilating animals, you will be judged for that.

So at best, Innercept is mixed bag of delights.