The Meaning of Life

So today I'm going to talk about... THE MEANING OF LIFE.

First off, what are we talking about? The meaning of life or the meaning of existence? We shall talk about both!

The meaning of existence, not just of life on Earth, but existence as a whole, whether that be on Earth, some other dimension, or on the other side... The purpose of this kind of existence is simply to have a good time. There is no higher purpose. On the highest level, everything we do is just to pass the time, the time which we created, since we created time.

So, how do human souls choose to pass the time? Well we are good souls. So we could just spend it in an eternal heaven, which is the equivalent of on drugs, or....  We could choose self-betterment! YES! SELF BETTERMENT!

So that's what the purpose of live on this crummy planet Earth is. Yes, Earth is a crummy planet. Well, not any crummier than any of the other planets, but compared to the eternal bliss of heaven or the other side... it really fucking sucks. This is what brings about self-betterment! Self-betterment is all about hard work and discipline. Pain, discomfort. We get all that on planet Earth, in a dose that's usually small enough that we can take it, and grow from it. Earth is a terrible, terrible, place. The purpose of life on Earth is soul edification. On Earth, we learn valuable lessons. Like how to care about pain we don't feel, which is the pain of other people. How to get along, how to cooperate, sharing is caring! How to care for one's self. All through the context of creatures who evolved from apes. So we as human speak the language of evolution. Evolution is a language. We crave things like freedom from pain, we want nourishment, reproduction (sex). All evolutionary desires.

Through this separation from the ULTIMATE LOVING SOURCE, AKA God, we learn to grow and get along without being in a state of eternal bliss all the time. You will return to that state upon death, unless you are a lost soul who doesn't cross over. Yes, that's the sacrifice of having this school of self-betterment, called Earth. Some people get lost in between dimensions. Hopefully, someone will help them cross over. Until then, they are stuck in a dimension reminiscent of hell.

Self-betterment is just what the part of ourselves, the higher self of each and every one of us, chose to do with our eternity of time. Some souls, not quite so noble. They become evil, bringing down other souls.

So in conclusion, what is the meaning of existence? TO PASS THE TIME THROUGH EDIFICATION AND BETTERMENT OF THE SPIRIT, which creates the most profound sense of joy a soul can experience.

When the High Fizzles Out

So, I've been taking Adderall every day. However, it's not as fun as it used to be.

It used to make me high. And so, for awhile after I took it, I would sit around, feeling good about myself, and about everything in my life, and everything that's happened so far in my life. Because that's what Adderall does. It makes you feel good about absolutely everything.

For years, and years and years, I took it, and felt this way. Now, I take it, but I hardly feel any different at all.

How does this make me feel?

Well, when I first realized it didn't have that effect anymore, I was like, "hey, cool! Now I can just work! Without that distraction of that feeling, the feeling that just makes me sit around and feel good about everything!"

This is what I said at first. I'm not saying it now. Honestly, I kind of miss it. I miss not having to do anything, to have anything good at all going on in my life, for me to feel good. I miss just feeling good, in the moment. Happy in the now. Because when I was on Adderall, I wasn't waiting for some time in the future, whenever that was, when I would supposedly be happy. I wasn't waiting for anything. I was feeling good in the now. I was having fun in the now. I was happy in the now. The closest I came to being happy.

So how do I feel now, now that I don't get that feeling anymore, hardly at all? I miss it. See, the reason I don't get it anymore is because of the neurofeedback. It makes me regret ever getting neurofeedback.

But is it such a bad thing, that I don't feel this way anymore? I begin to recognize why people hate Adderall. It makes you feel happy, for no reason. You feel good about things. You are more likely to express out loud all the thoughts that go through your head that make you feel good. You express them out loud, and other people don't want to hear it, they realize that this stuff you feel good about, isn't good at all. You are just doped up.

Sure it feels good, feeling good about everything. But it isn't normal. It doesn't allow for normal growth of character. You don't see things realistically. You see everything through your rose-colored Adderall glasses.

It makes me look back, and wonder. Every single day I attended high school, I was really high off this shit. What if I hadn't had it? Maybe, I wouldn't have been so comfortable, inside my own head. Maybe I would have reached out, looking for happiness, instead of having it already by myself inside my own head. Maybe I would have been more social, joined a club, did something.

On the contrary though, I did do something. I programmed. At home, on my computer. This is good. This was something I did that I was proud of. Would I have done it without Adderall? Probably not. I probably wouldn't have had the patience.

So it's hard to say. I don't really know. Would I have been better off without Adderall? Maybe, or I may have just turned out emo. Thank God I didn't turn out emo! I would have been like, all suicidal in shit. Is that better than fakely happy? No, I don't think so. I'd prefer fakely happy.

So anyway, that's the past. There is no telling what would be better. Now, we are living in the here and now. The drugs, while they still do something, so I will continue to take them, don't make me feel good about myself any more. So what do I do? How do I feel good about myself, without the drugs? Well, I will just have to turn to my other favorite drug... productivity. And do something with my creative endeavors, and make something I can be proud of, that other people will like and appreciate. I need to make progress on these things every day.

Except, now I am limited by the God damn sprite kit and it's lack of functionality. God fucking damn.

Channeling the God Force

So today I wanted to discuss.... THE GOD FORCE.

The God Force is an energy that originates with the divine, and flows through us humans, when we are doing God's work, and God approves of the work we are doing. If you are in God's favor, and adequately equipped to handle the flow of God Force through your body.

It was sometime last year, when I started to feel the God Force flow. Early spring. My body was now a conduit for this divine energy. Some things made it stronger: tai chi, going out and dancing, any moments of personal growth resulted in an increase in God energy. Activity speeds up God energy. Alcohol slows it down. Boooo alcohol!

However, a couple drinks every now and then don't hinder the God Force too much.

Marijuana funkifies the God Force, but doesn't stop it.

Anyway, the God Force came back in the summer, last summer, then stopped when I started drinking more than once a week. And that's the story of the death of my God Force.

But recently, it's back! Because I'm doing God's work again. And I don't know what it is, God's calling for me. But God does have a calling for me. I sit around and ask, "God, what should I do with my life?" And God doesn't answer me. Doesn't answer me. Because He never answers with words, but sometimes, He influences my actions, moving me closer to things I ask for. But not quite close enough. I still don't get what I ask for. God dammit. I suppose, I'm supposed to make the next move.

So anyway, though I call it God Force, I don't know that that's really what it is. Maybe it's just motivation, drive, and enthusiasm. At any rate, I feel that me having the God Force is what's going to make me successful.

Freaky Chi

Oh God. Weirdness. I don't know what to make of some things in my life, if I should make anything at all of them. Maybe I should just ignore somethings and pretend like they don't exist.

So I've been kicking the benzo's. I am down to one eighth of a milligram of ativan. Ativan suppresses psychic abilities. So now that I am going off them, I have more stuff happen. Ativan doesn't suppress delusional experiences. In fact, Ativan is supposed to cause mania. Yet, I go off it, and more stuff happens.

So I was doing some tai chi exercises in the family room yesterday. Got to keep my chi up. Haven't been to class in awhile. My dad is home, and sitting in the family room, after dinner. That's when I feel the change. I feel someone mention my name. In my head. But in real life, also. Not out loud. In my head.

They are talking about me. I can feel it. These people are talking about me. At one point, the one guy says something good about me. Was it something good? I think it was good, something slightly personal. Honestly I think it was something sexual. But I can't hear the words, I only feel the energy behind them. Then, everyone starts laughing. Not here in the family room. Wherever this guy is, whoever this guy is. Everyone starts laughing, including him, so naturally I start laughing too. Because I feel the energy change. I jump up and start laughing my head off for no reason. Really, really hard. My parents think I am losing it. Here she goes again, delusional!

I quickly excuse myself and run up to my room. I still feel this guy's energy. Really, really strongly, in my own energy. It is making me feel seriously funny, kind of an adrenaline-like feeling. It is a really long time before I stop feeling the energy, and I calm back down and return to normal.

The thing is, times like this I have felt this particular feeling before, not this exactly but something like it, it really was psychic. Both times, there are only two times I can remember off the top of my head, I got confirmation from Erik. My parents say, oh, you can't trust that guy, he may just make stuff up! Thing is, regardless of whether or not Erik just "makes stuff up," I trust him when it comes to this. I trust that he wouldn't falsely confirm the psychicness of my hallucinations. Erik cares about me. He wouldn't knowingly feed into my delusions, if that's all they were, delusions. He knows better. I don't know if he's quite as smart as he thinks he is, but he is smart enough to know that that would be wrong, and he wouldn't do it. Of course, my parents think this guy Erik is like, evil or something.

So anyway, all this happened on February 18th, shortly before 8 pm, but it didn't calm back down until around 10. Erik couldn't confirm it this time, which didn't surprise me, because I wasn't imagining that it was him. But was it what I imagined? Who was it? Who were these people? Am I going crazy? Or am I psychic again? I may never, ever no. Because even if I knew who it was, I would be too scared to ask them to confirm it. So I must live in suspense... live in the dark. Until the energy changes happen again.

When this happens, it's what's known as.... freaky chi!! Freaky chi!! Freaky freaky chi chi!!

Astrology: A Funny Kind of Bullshit

So I wanted to take a moment to talk about something I think is bullshit: astrology.

Yes, I believe in things like psychics, sometimes I believe in tarot cards (other times I get frustrated with the random bullshit), I believe in ghosts and telepathy. I believe in dream interpretation. But I don't believe in astrology.

The reason I don't believe in astrology comes down to the fact that it doesn't make any sense. Why would the stars, and planets, affect my personality and life?

Some people read their profile of their sign, based on when they were born, and say wow! So accurate! The thing is, those things really aren't that accurate. It's the same thing with numerology, the "science" of assigning numbers to each letter in the alphabet, adding the numbers in your name together, and then continuously adding the digits together until you get a single digit number, which represents your personality. Or maybe it's the digits in your birthday. Something like that.

So here's how it works. Astrology profiles are incredibly vague. Your personality isn't black and white. For every personality trait, you don't either have it or you don't, you have it to varying degrees. For example, shyness. Everyone experiences moments where they feel shy. For me, if my astrology profile said I was shy, I could see a lot of truth in that. But if it said I was outgoing, I could see truth in that too! Because I do act outgoing sometimes. It's like that with shy/outgoing, it is probably the same with any other personality trait. How people act depends on their mood. They don't ever say really specific things about your personality in astrology readings. Not that I've ever gotten an astrology reading, besides that free one. I'm talking about general ones for your star sign. They say things that allow anyone to look at it and see truth in. Same with numerology.

Then don't even get me started on horoscopes. Are horoscopes ever accurate? Actually, one time, my sister had one that was accurate! It said she would meet a guy with a certain personality on a specific day of the month, and she met a guy like that on that day! Wow! It was accurate once! But, the law of averages says, it's bound to be accurate every once in awhile. I chalk it up to a coincidence.

One thing I thought was really stupid. A couple years ago, people were saying that the signs has shifted, because the stars and planets or whatever had shifted over time, so their astrology signs had changed. I looked into it. "Expert" astrologers were saying that that wasn't the case, everyone's signs were all the same. Anyway, I had a Cosmopolitan magazine. I have this problem now, when it comes to buying magazines. No magazines really suit my interests. The best one I've found is Scientific American Mind, which is about psychology and is interesting. But sometimes, you just kind of want a fun magazine, so occasionally I buy Cosmo. I don't know why. I fucking hate Cosmo. It's so stupid. But I buy it sometimes. Anyway, they have this thing in the magazine where they have a pie chart of things that people are talking about around the Cosmopolitan office. One time it was something like, people were discussing what it was like now that they have different astrology signs, because the planets have shifted.

The reason this is stupid, is because they didn't shift overnight. If the signs shifted and you are now a Sagittarius, that means you were always a Sagittarius. You were never whatever sign you thought you were before. So it's like, wow! That explains why our horoscopes have never ever been accurate! All this time we've been looking at the wrong one!

I kind of thought that it said something about the intelligence level of the people who work at Cosmopolitan magazine. What's more likely? Astrology has always been accurate, we were just looking at the wrong horoscope? Or, the reason our horoscopes have never been accurate is because astrology is a load of bullshit?

Romantic Neurosis

I have this problem. I feel like I can never live in the moment. It's like, I'm always waiting for something better than this current moment.

Why can't I be satisfied in the moment? Now matter how happy I am, I always have to feel like we are just passing time, waiting for something better to happen.

What am I waiting for? Death? Heaven? Or love? ...Maybe I'm waiting for love.

If those romantic notions are true. Like, once you discover the person for you, you fall in love with them, and as long as you have each other, nothing else matters. But is that really how it is? No, that's not really how it is.

Maybe it is because, now, I'm incomplete, when I am in love, I will be complete.

Is that really how it is? For most people, it's not. Maybe it's because most married couples aren't really in love.

Love is like the ultimate goal in life. Maybe the reason I can't live in the moment is because I'm a romantic person at heart. And I feel my inner incompleteness.

It seems to me that when you are in love, everything you do, you do for your partner. You take a shower, you are staying clean for your partner. When you work out, you work out for your partner. When you go to work and make money, you do that for your partner too. Everything is for your partner. You become the best person you can be, and the reason is because you love your partner and you think they deserve the best person they can possibly have.

Romanticism can bring out the best in us. But it is also a form of neurosis. Romantic people are neurotic. They are too dependent on that other person and not dependent enough on themselves.

Can you be not neurotic and romantic? Sure, you can fake it. But the more you care about someone else, the more of your own power you give away. You can't control what someone else does, their decisions. What if they decide to take up heroin? Maybe they'd never do that, but who knows. You can't make someone else's decisions for them. So when you are in love with someone, you give away power over your own happiness.

The most stable people, perhaps, are alone. But is that stability? Because you have that missing piece, and that might drive you crazy. Everything you do, you do for your partner. Perhaps you keep ahold of your sanity solely for your partner.

What's better to do is, take that social aspect of you, the part that cares about other people and wants to be liked, and spread it out more evenly. So you care mildly about a great number of people, but not excessively about just one.

I don't know

Valentine's Day Creepy Romantic Bullshit

Well, so it's Valentine's Day. And in light of Valentine's Day, I guess I'll write on the subject of romance.

Except, this isn't really a very romantic post. I wanted to write on the subject of people who are obsessed with other people.

What makes someone obsessed? Well, it seems to me, it is an obsession if the feeling isn't mutual.

So you meet someone, and you feel an instant connection. Right away, you know you want to be in a relationship with this person. This doesn't happen often. In fact, this never happens. It's hard to find someone you are truly interested in. But you did, and wham!

The reason you fell for this person is because you really enjoy being around this person. And right away, you are willing to dedicate yourself to this person. Not like, marry them, but you want to try out a relationship, and you hope it will last.

But the feeling isn't mutual. The trouble is, you saw what you saw in this person, something you don't see in many people. You can't just let go because you really, really like this person. Is this a sign of weakness? Is really liking someone a sign of weakness?

These are questions I once asked myself, back when I was obsessed with that one person. Sure, I've moved on now, but back in the day I felt like a creep.

Because I didn't really know this guy. I hung out with him a few times. I noticed something. Everytime I hung out with him, I was high. Not on drugs, though sometimes I was high on those also. But I was just ridiculously happy.

It happened really, really fast. And almost faster than that, he started treating me like shit. Because he was a weirdo. A fucking weirdo. But I was okay with that. I liked him. I was willing to stick with him, despite his weirdo ways. I barely knew him though. But I knew that I was happy when I was around him. It's the kind of thing where, you know right away. You know right away if you really like someone or not. You know right away if someone is worth your time.

I thought he was worth my time. But he treated me like shit all the time after that. So was he really worth my time? No. But I couldn't move on.

Is this a sign of weakness? Being dedicated to another person, who isn't dedicated to you? Is knowing right off the bat that you want to be with someone a bad thing? Are these feelings supposed to take time to develop?

I don't know. I don't think so. I think finding someone you really want to spend time with is a positive thing.

The thing about me is, while I like pretty much everyone. I like anyone who doesn't have a problem with me. I'm not often annoyed by people. People don't get on my nerves much, but then again I don't deal a lot with people. I dislike most people who have a problem with me. Except for this guy. Anyway, what I was going to say is, while I like people, it's difficult for me to allocate the energy needed to actually give a crap about them. It's just way too exhausting to care about other people all the time. It's hard enough, making myself happy. Damn, that's hard! But then I'm expected to not only make myself happy, but my happiness also has to be dependent on the happiness of other people. Shit! I'm never going to be happy now, if that's what it takes to be happy! So I just don't even bother.

But I gave a crap about this guy. And it was a mistake.

Anyway, so I had delusions about this guy. Which made me more fixated. And I wrote him while I was delusional, and he blocked me, eventually. But I still liked him. So am I a creep now? I don't like, stalk him or anything. Stalking to me seems utterly pointless. But I think about him, and I have trouble with relationships because I have a hard time liking other people.

So this is actually a very romantic story. I would have dedicated myself to this guy. I thought about this guy. I longed for this guy. I had dreams about this guy. But him and I would never be together. Never be together. Never be together.

So it seems like the safest thing to do is to never like anyone. But that's easier said than done.

Extrovert Culture

So I wanted to talk a little bit on the subject of introverts. There's a misconception about introverts. This is the association between introverts and maladjustment, social awkwardness, issues, and social ineptitude.

Sure, some introverts are socially inept. I was a socially inept introvert. But at the heart of the matter, introversion isn't about maladjustment. For some people, and this was also the case for me, though my extreme introversion led to me being socially inept, introversion is simply about being comfortable with one's self. It's about independence.

Introverts don't need people around all the time. They don't need that constant emotional support. We feel comfortable doing things like going to the restroom alone.

Sometimes, extreme introverts forget how to effectively communicate with other people. But most of the time, introverts are alone because they choose to be. Not because they want the company of other people but are too socially awkward to make friends.

I was a little bit of both though. Honestly, I didn't care all that much for friends. But I thought if I didn't have any friends, that would make me a loser, because that's what extrovert culture tells you. Extrovert culture places worth on people, based on the number of friends they have and how outgoing they are.

So I made some friends, back when I was in school, so that I wasn't a "loser" with no friends. That was really the only reason. The is, there is a seed of extroversion in me. I'm kind of like the full package, I have the seed of extroversion that really likes people, but the introverted core that is comfortable with myself. When I think about it like that, I'm pretty freaking awesome!

But the seed of extroversion blossomed when I was at Innercept, and I became more outgoing. I like other people. I like networking. I just don't want people around all the time. Because it gets tiring, after awhile. The reason is because there are subtle things you have to do differently when you are around other people that you don't have to worry about when you are alone. You don't have to worry about being friendly.

I understand social maladjustment. We had exchange students from Japan stay at our house one time. One of them told us that some families in Japan, or maybe just their family, was dysfunctional. When someone came downstairs, they would stomp their feet and make a lot of noise, so that if someone was downstairs, they would run and hide behind the curtains, and avoid having to face each other.

This sounds really odd. But strangely enough, I understand this. If you are around each other, and you are both awkward and distant and not real social, it makes things really awkward. Like, there might be pressure to make conversation. But the thing that strikes me as the most awkward thing is, what if the two of you accidentally make eye contact. That's the worst! Eye contact! What do you do? Do you stare them down? Look away quickly? God, it's just so much easier when you don't have to deal with that type of awkwardness. Which would explain why someone would need to hide behind the curtains.

I wish I hadn't been so awkward socially in high school, though. Otherwise, high school may have actually been fun! What a concept! And, I don't have a lot of real strong social connections from high school. If I had started building social connections from a young age, just think of how popular I would be now! Wow! All the real friends I would have! Instead of all these silly Facebook friends, many of which I have never even talked to before in real life (or via the internet for that matter).

Also, when you are around people more, you learn more things about popular culture. Sure, you learn things watching TV, but that's not really enough to learn what people's common attitudes toward things are. That's why I love this page on the internet called Urban dictionary. There are a lot of things that regular dictionaries won't tell you about things. With Urban Dictionary you can learn things like slang and what people's attitudes toward certain things are.

For example, it was just last year I learned what a juggalo was. Sure I had heard of the band ICP, and I knew a lot of people didn't like them, but I had never heard the term juggalo. I was actually on the website Plenty of Fish, looking at someone's profile who said they weren't interested in people who were juggalos. So, I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, to make sure I wasn't a juggalo. Which I wasn't. They said pretty negative things about juggalos on Urban Dictionary. Next thing you know, I was messaged by a juggalo on POF! So I got to talk to and befriend a juggalo. And that's the story of me and juggalos. The end.

So, all in all, it's probably better to be an extrovert than an introvert. The reason it's better, is because you are better at building connections with people, and with more connections, it's easier to succeed in life. Like what they say about having friends in the right places.

All in all, I like being a social person better than an antisocial person. It's just really hard though because of the awkwardness. But I think that introverts are often misunderstood. These are people who feel whole as people by themselves. They don't need people around to ward off loneliness. You can be your own best friend, which sounds loserish to some, but really that's the best best friend to have. Yourself.

And that's why I think introverts are misunderstood. The end.

Spiritual Brain Zappings

Sometime in the spring of last year I began a procedure that could raise my IQ by 15 points. Brain zapping. Also known as, neurofeedback.

I was told I have brain damage. Perhaps, everyone has brain damage. But this brain damage could be fixed by putting electrodes on my head and on my ear lobes, and administering mild amounts of electricity.

This would make me smarter, improve my brain, help improve my concentration, maybe lessen my anxiety, and the list of benefits could go on and on and on.

The first time I did it, I only noticed a slightly more spiritual feeling afterwards. The next time, it was even more intense. Sometimes it's really intense! This spiritual feeling I feel after the brain zapping.

It used to be that when I got zapped, I would laugh randomly. At nothing. I would laugh at nothing at all. My mind was blank. But I would laugh. At nothing.

You feel different emotional feelings when you are getting zapped.

After a spiritual zapping, the moment feels deeper. There is depth to life. Emotional depth. It all seems so cool, and meaningful, and worthwhile. I could never get bored with this life, feeling all the emotional depth to it.

It clears up repetitive thinking patterns. When your brain gets caught on repeat. Except, sometimes my brain still gets caught on repeat!

More recently, I don't laugh or do anything at all when I get neurofeedback. But the last time I got it, I felt different afterwards. My brain felt more alive. And now, I don't feel more spiritual, but I feel more life and more positive about life. And I feel that really, really good things are going to happen to be soon. I just have to be patient, but more important, work hard on my projects. I need to work really hard on my projects and great things will happen!

Spirits.

Public Speaking

So, I say it all the time. I'm going to be famous. I'm going to be famous.

I'm going to be both an author and a mobile app developer. Actually, I imagine what will make me famous is my book. Yes, it will be lost on a lot of people, but there will be a small group of  people who really "gets" it, and likes it. This is what I imagine.

But what do you do when you are famous? If you are a famous singer, or musician, you do shows where you play music, sing and/or dance. I'm not going to be a famous musician. I will be a famous mentally ill author. So what do those people do? They talk. They give speeches in front of people. Public speaking.

I went to a couple Toastmaster meetings awhile ago. The problem I had with it was that it was too business-like. Like, oriented towards speaking in a corporate or business setting. I want to talk about mental illness. I would not feel comfortable talking at Toastmasters about my mental illness.

But then there's NAMI. If I could give speeches there, it would be okay. What I would do is, step one, write a really good speech. Step two, practice it. Step three, give it in front of people. Then, I could go around giving my speech, and then make a Youtube video of me giving my speech.

What would my speech topic be? So I was thinking my speech would be about how to talk to delusional people. Now, I have experience being both the delusional person, and the one talking to the delusional person. So I would first do some research about it, what experts say, and then incorporate in my own experiences.

So this could give me practice with public speaking.

I'd like to spend time making connections with people. I'd also like to spend time getting more experience with these matters. Like, talking to people who are out of it or delusional. I don't know how I would do this. I was thinking of volunteering with NAMI. The thing is I would want to work specifically with people who were out of it.

The Upcoming Thirties

So, I feel as if my life is slowly ending. Because, I'm getting older. And before you know it, I am going to be 30.

I feel that life ends when you turn 30. I know it doesn't. I know life will go on, my life as a senior citizen.

But see, there's this misconception that everyone would rather be in their 20's. When people lie about their age, they always lie and say they are 20-something, if they can get away with it.

So I'm trying to reason my way through this. The reason I want to be in my 20's is because 20-somethings are seen as desirable, sexually. That's really the only reason. You can still do everything you could do in your twenties in your thirties. But it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't have to be in my 20's to be desirable. Because the way I am thinking about it now is, I want to be with normal people, not perverted old men who are trying to hook up with a woman in her 20's. Normal people go for people their own age.

Seriously, most people should probably just date people their own age. Some people think they are mature for their age, but they are really not. Or, they think they are young at heart, but they are fooling themselves. Date people your own age.

Normal people always want someone their own age, no matter what age they are. So if I am in my thirties, I will be able to find people in my thirties to date, unless I suddenly age terribly. My looks will be gone by the time I am forty, so I better find someone by then.

People in their twenties are generally seen as immature and not to be trusted as professionals. At least, not as much as someone a little bit older. People in their thirties are taken a bit more seriously. That's why you can't run for president until you are 35.

But what I am sick of, I'm sick of creepy men. I walk down the street, and creepy men ask for my number. Sometimes I give it to them, thinking we can be friends. I realized that I don't want to be friends with these people. People worth being friends with don't just randomly ask you to exchange numbers when you are walking down the street. Sometimes I talk to these people, and they are drawn to me because they think I am attractive, and they make that clear, and I find out they are in a relationship too and I think it is cool and we can be friends. But no. These are the kind of people who aren't satisfied with the sex they are getting in their relationship, so they want a little something on the side. The want a fuck buddy. Sorry. I'm in a relationship so I don't do that.

The reason I think my looks will go by the time I'm in my forties, is because I'm not all that attractive to begin with. The reason I am still attractive now is because I'm young. Really pretty people stay pretty longer. But if you're not naturally attractive, by the time you are forty people won't look at you that way anymore. Unless you take really good care of yourself or something. Which I don't.

So that's why I think the thirties should be even better than the twenties. You are still relatively young, but old enough to be taken seriously by the world because you are past your twenties. But if I'm not married by the time I'm forty I'll be fucked.

EDIT:

I want to clarify before someone gets mad at me that when I say people should date people their own age, I just mean when you look for people you should look for people around the same age. If you happen to fall in love with someone a lot older or a lot younger, that's ok. But you probably shouldn't actively seek someone much older or younger.

Imagined Stuff is Imaginary

So, I wanted to talk a little bit about my book.

The thing I wanted to talk about was, this book I am writing is kind of a tricky read. Because you have to understand that I am oftentimes delusional and my brain makes stuff up. So sometimes, I will tell stories about things I say people did. A lot of times, THEY DID NOT DO THESE THINGS. It was delusional. I imagined it.

How do you tell the difference between fake stories and real stories? When I give information, you have to ask yourself, how do I know this? If I specifically mention that a particular person told me this, or I witnessed it in person, that means it is true. Everything that I witness in person actually happened. Because the thing is, I don't hallucinate. I don't have imaginary in-person encounters with people. Everything I see with my eyes is really there. Things I actually hear are real too, but this gets tricky because I sometimes imagine conversations. When I hear these conversations, I hear them in my head, not out loud. So, it's not really an auditory hallucination, more like a sixth sensory hallucination. To me, there is no mistaking what is out loud and what is in my head. But I usually just say I heard it, so you have to ask yourself, was I there in person with these people? Is there any explanation for how we met up? If not, I think it should be obvious based on context, random clips of conversation from random people are just in my head.

Especially if I say I heard it psychically, that's bullshit. It wasn't psychic. But I say that it was psychic, because I thought so at the time. I am keeping with the moment. Sometimes I will specifically say I "imagined" something. Imagined stuff is imaginary.

I'm kind of worried though, because the people I imagined stuff about are real people and they might get mad that I imagined negative things about them. Or not so much that I imagined them, but that I wrote a book about it and stupid people might not understand which stuff is imaginary.

It kind of keeps you on your toes, this book.