When the High Fizzles Out

So, I've been taking Adderall every day. However, it's not as fun as it used to be.

It used to make me high. And so, for awhile after I took it, I would sit around, feeling good about myself, and about everything in my life, and everything that's happened so far in my life. Because that's what Adderall does. It makes you feel good about absolutely everything.

For years, and years and years, I took it, and felt this way. Now, I take it, but I hardly feel any different at all.

How does this make me feel?

Well, when I first realized it didn't have that effect anymore, I was like, "hey, cool! Now I can just work! Without that distraction of that feeling, the feeling that just makes me sit around and feel good about everything!"

This is what I said at first. I'm not saying it now. Honestly, I kind of miss it. I miss not having to do anything, to have anything good at all going on in my life, for me to feel good. I miss just feeling good, in the moment. Happy in the now. Because when I was on Adderall, I wasn't waiting for some time in the future, whenever that was, when I would supposedly be happy. I wasn't waiting for anything. I was feeling good in the now. I was having fun in the now. I was happy in the now. The closest I came to being happy.

So how do I feel now, now that I don't get that feeling anymore, hardly at all? I miss it. See, the reason I don't get it anymore is because of the neurofeedback. It makes me regret ever getting neurofeedback.

But is it such a bad thing, that I don't feel this way anymore? I begin to recognize why people hate Adderall. It makes you feel happy, for no reason. You feel good about things. You are more likely to express out loud all the thoughts that go through your head that make you feel good. You express them out loud, and other people don't want to hear it, they realize that this stuff you feel good about, isn't good at all. You are just doped up.

Sure it feels good, feeling good about everything. But it isn't normal. It doesn't allow for normal growth of character. You don't see things realistically. You see everything through your rose-colored Adderall glasses.

It makes me look back, and wonder. Every single day I attended high school, I was really high off this shit. What if I hadn't had it? Maybe, I wouldn't have been so comfortable, inside my own head. Maybe I would have reached out, looking for happiness, instead of having it already by myself inside my own head. Maybe I would have been more social, joined a club, did something.

On the contrary though, I did do something. I programmed. At home, on my computer. This is good. This was something I did that I was proud of. Would I have done it without Adderall? Probably not. I probably wouldn't have had the patience.

So it's hard to say. I don't really know. Would I have been better off without Adderall? Maybe, or I may have just turned out emo. Thank God I didn't turn out emo! I would have been like, all suicidal in shit. Is that better than fakely happy? No, I don't think so. I'd prefer fakely happy.

So anyway, that's the past. There is no telling what would be better. Now, we are living in the here and now. The drugs, while they still do something, so I will continue to take them, don't make me feel good about myself any more. So what do I do? How do I feel good about myself, without the drugs? Well, I will just have to turn to my other favorite drug... productivity. And do something with my creative endeavors, and make something I can be proud of, that other people will like and appreciate. I need to make progress on these things every day.

Except, now I am limited by the God damn sprite kit and it's lack of functionality. God fucking damn.