New Book Trailer

So I have been thinking about my book. The other day I was wondering if I should even pursue publication at all. Like, maybe the whole thing was crap. And this made me depressed. I thought about it for awhile though, and after awhile I realized that I should do something like epublish.

I plan on coming out with my mobile app first, and for that I am going to need to learn a lot about online marketing. So, let's say I become really good at online marketing. Posting a youTube video is free.

So I was thinking I would make it just one really long book instead of two separate books. I was hoping the length doesn't matter if it is an eBook. I still have a whole bunch of work to do on it. And I still have to live the story to the end, until we get to a good stopping place, which keeps happening then more shit I can't leave out happens.

Anyway, I was thinking about a book trailer. Last year when my sister and I were talking about it, she had a weird idea that was actually good. Since the title is Party Like Jesus, we could have a clip of someone in a Jesus costume partying. I figure you can probably get a Jesus costume at a costume shop or order one online.

That was my sister's idea. I elaborated on it.

So I am wearing the Jesus suit, and at the beginning I am at a party, and we are all partying, and people are saying, woah, Jesus! Look at Jesus party! And then I like throw up or something, or something else happens, I will need some ideas.

Then there is a scene change, and I am wearing the Jesus suit like in every scene, and some people are holding an intervention for me. They are saying, Jesus, you have been acting really manic, and what's with these delusions? You are the son of God? How can you be the son of God when you are  girl? See, your delusions don't even logically make any sense, Jesus. And a bunch of other crap is said I will figure out later.

Then it has Jesus at the therapist's office, and it will be a classic Freudian set up with Jesus lying on the couch. And I will be talking about how I just don't understand how all this can be a mental illness. God talks to me. And what about the miracles? And then the therapist will be like, Jesus, you have bigger problems then I can help. I am going to direct you to someone who can help you.

And then the last scene, Jesus wrote a book about her experiences, and someone is talking to her about it. And Jesus is like, "This is a serious memoir about mental illness!"

And then that's the end.

Life Situations

So I'm really happy because I'm on this new drug Metformin, which is a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but this drug can help people on antipsychotics lose weight. I think this is going to work. Now I have both the energy to exercise and the will power to not overeat. So unless someone fucks with my drugs, this is going to work.

That's this ever-present fear I have, I'll get in shape, and then they go and fuck with my drugs. Usually, because something happens, like I have an episode. Like, a serious episode, where I go batshit crazy and they have to fuck with my meds. And that changes my appetite and motivation.

So really, what I have to do now, is keep taking all my meds. Because I don't want anything bad to happen.

Episodes themselves are crazy and fun. When I look back at my life, and the times where I was happy and having a good time, it was because I was delusional. But no more of that. NO MORE OF THAT! I have to be happy with reality. God dammit I hate reality.

So, anyway, I have that on track. I have a few invasive bad thoughts from time to time, but that's tolerable. I am doing tai chi, which should help bring back my psychic abilities.

Psychic abilities can be annoying. You are sitting at home working on something, minding your own business, and then it's suddenly like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you!" And you don't know who, or what they are saying, but you feel your aura being invaded. And then later you get confirmation, like that happened and Erik told me he had been talking with one of my friends about the time she first met me. So I was correct.

And you feel all this random energy all the time, and you don't know where it's coming from.

But the cool thing is, you can look at people's pictures and feel things about them. And you are like, why didn't I feel these things before? And you get confirmation on that stuff too.

But anyway, the problem is this objective C shit. I am trying to learn objective C, the programming language, in order to make mobile apps for a living. I am convinced I could make the next Angry Birds, or at least the next Plants vs. Zombies, if I were to ever learn how to use this x code thing with objective C.

I think I need one on one instruction. I think that's the only way I am going to learn.

It's really sad, because I feel like a low life mooching off everyone. I have no income. I am going to get SSI, but I have to wait six months and that will only be $700 a month.

Doubts

So I am having doubts about this religious crap in my life. Like, I don't know if I even believe Jesus was God or any of that bullshit.

My belief in the divine/spiritual and my belief in Jesus are two entirely separate things. If I stop believing in Jesus, I would just go back to being spiritual and not religious. But I wouldn't be an atheist, is what I am saying.

For whatever reason though I am obsessed with Jesus. And I have been kind of been thinking, we kind of need to have Jesus as a dead role model in our society. Because I kind of think, it gives people a standard against being a good person is judged. Like, I don't know if a lot of people even recognize what it means to be a good person.

To me it means, not seeking revenge. Forgiveness. And all that other crap Jesus talked about. I don't know.

The thing is, I have always had an interest in religion, but when I actually became religious it was kind of like a delusional thing, because of me going to hell in my sleep. And now my belief in religion is entirely based on fear. Because it introduced this concept, that hell is so scary, you don't even want to risk it. It might be bullshit, but what if it's not and you're not saved? You're screwed. I never thought that way before until I went to hell in my sleep.

But I am wondering. Why did God go out of his way to save me, but not other people? Am I better than other people?

I don't know. Maybe I am. But sometimes I am so selfish I think I am like a sociopath or something. But there is a part of me that is kind of like a child, in a good way. And there are certain kinds of pain that I understand, and if I feel that someone is going through that, I will do what I can to make it better. And I would never cause that sort of pain. Like, I can't even yell at people, because people have yelled at me and it has made me feel bad, so now I see people yell at others and wonder how they can do that.

I can yell at my parents though, if I am upset enough. But there have been times when I should have yelled at someone but didn't.

Anyway, I am going off on a tangent. I am still Christian for now, but I have doubts about it.

One thing my parents commented on was the fact that I added things that weren't really an original part of Christian theology, in order for it to make sense.

Subjectivity

Is the brain capable of understanding itself?

So I say, we are conscious beings, and I can't imagine a universe without consciousness. Is this because I am a conscious being? Maybe being a conscious being isn't all that great, it just seems great because I am a conscious being.

We have to look with a subjective eye. If we look at planets and say, that isn't ugly, or that isn't pretty, because it is all objective, what do we have? Is that how the universe is?

Subjectivity comes from human or animal experience, through pleasure and pain. So we say, something is good, because it brings us pleasure. But things that bring us pleasure, they just bring us pleasure because of our biological evolutionary development. We like the sun, because it allows us to see, and it is warm, and warm is nice, because when we are warm are body doesn't have to work as hard to keep the right temperature.

But we all evolve differently and grow up differently, so what we like all depends on the wonderful chemical dopamine.

If we didn't have consciousness, we wouldn't understand what fun or pain is. What does it mean to experience something, but not hate the experience? Or to like the experience? It comes down to free will. Given the choice between two experiences, we choose the fun experience. Understanding this comes down to choices.

Except that if you are not conscious, you cannot understand much of anything.

Is the universe objective?

What is the point of the universe?

The universe is about teaching. Through evolution, pleasure and pain evolved, and your connection to fellow souls is weakened. So, the point is to bring about unity, while still being separate. To go for the well-being of the many over the well-being of just you.

Novel Ideas

So I was thinking about ideas for novels.

If I had to write a novel, I would have to write a young adult novel. Because, I'm not old enough to write adult fiction.

So I got this idea, and I realized that it was kind of like Donnie Darko. Except it isn't Donnie Darko. So, there is this young boy. This boy is kind of like me, if I were a boy. And he is delusional. And he gets some crazy idea and wants to start a cult for it. So he goes somewhere and passes out flyers, and he bumps into this young girl. She is pretty, but she has red frizzy hair and glasses, and she is in high school and is kind of an outcast. People make fun of her a lot. She is smart but lonely and incredibly gullible, so she falls for this guy and believes him.

What I'm thinking is, there should be some sort of reason she believes him. Likes, he starts talking about something that isn't real but that she believes in and she believes it is responsible for her father's death. Like some sort of monster.

And then they start a romance. And this guy thinks this girls is like, one step below messiah. No, I know, she is kind of like the virgin Mary, only not necessarily a virgin, but she is going to give birth to the messiah. But for whatever reason, this guy is conservative about sex, so he doesn't just try to impregnate her outright.

So anyway, there is a romance between them. And his motivation is to impregnate her so she can give birth to the messiah.

No wait, I know, this should be about global warming.

But this girl, she is motivated by fear. And she is trying to latch onto this guy to save herself.

No I think this guy should be Christian, like a really crazy sect of Christianity, and she is supposed to be the mother of the next Jesus.

The Invisible Hard Drive

So I got distracted today in kickboxing because I started thinking about the universe, and the existence, or absence, of God.

I get annoyed with atheists. Some of them have this attitude like, if you would just use your brain, you would see that there is no God.

It depends how you define God. I say, the essence of the universe is spiritual, not physical. The universe is not physical space. You have to free your mind and realize that physical space does not exist. Sort of like in a computer game. You are a character, moving across some terrain, but that terrain doesn't really exist. It is just data in a computer. What is the purpose of this data? To create an experience for the user.

I remember my math teacher in high school saying once: What is beyond the boundaries of the universe? That should blow your mind. Well it used to. It does if you are thinking like a human. But it really doesn't blow my mind. It is just a subscript out of bounds error. It is an error of your brain to think that space goes on and on.

But, if you realize that space doesn't exist, that it is just data on a computer, like in a computer game, it doesn't blow your mind anymore. At least, it doesn't mine.

So the universe is just data, like on a hard drive, but that hard drive takes up space. Or does it? No, it doesn't. I'm telling you, that hard drive doesn't take up space.

Do your thoughts take up space? Does experience take up space? Does consciousness take up space?

It exists in the non-physical, mental/spiritual realm. The realm of mind. There is mind, body, spirit. Spirit is experience. Mind is a map, a map of concepts, which explains how experiences relate to each other.

For example, there is the experience of sadness. What does sadness in itself feel like? Does it have thoughts associated with it? Well it does, but you can separate the thoughts from the experience. So the mind, the map, would explain what kind of situations would lead to you experiencing this emotion, sadness.

There are way more emotions than there are words to explain them.

But anyway, back to the question of God. I believe in God because I think the essence of the universe is spiritual, and not physical. I believe that a physical world, with the absence of awareness, and consciousness, is the equivalent of nothing. What is something, if there is nothing to experience it? Like the question of the tree falling in the forest.

One thing I wonder about atheists is, do they really think? I mean really, do atheists think? Do they think about things like consciousness. Because you think about it, and it is like the most amazing thing ever, yet so simple. What is it? I don't know. But I can't imagine a universe without it.

Whatever it is, it is the greatest thing in the universe.

In our dense, physical state, we need brains to experience.

Does consciousness ever stop? No, consciousness never stops. You are always experiencing consciousness.

You take a drug and black out, or pass out, and wake up later. Did consciousness stop? No, because time for you is different.

Consciousness didn't stop. You jumped forward in time, and your brain inserted a feeling of passage of time. But that's all that is, a feeling.

Fiction, Delusions, and Art

So I have come to a point where I can accept that I do have a mental illness.

There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.

Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.

When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.

I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.

And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.

But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.

It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.

But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.

I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?

Resorting to the Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors

So, I have this problem. This problem is that my brain thinks it's psychic.

Actually, I am psychic. But I think I am psychic in a way that I am not. I imagine people having conversations about me. Then I convince myself that they are real.

Actually, I don't really actively convince myself that they are real, but the trouble is my brain reacts to these conversations as if they were real.

Sometimes they are happy. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's like, hey, wouldn't it be nice if this one person said this about me? So I imagine them saying it. And then it's like, Wow, I can't believe this person said that about me! That's so sweet! Then I am happy.

Then it's like, the chemicals go awry. And without my permission, unhappy things start entering my head. And I am like, oh God, I am psychic! People are talking shit about me!! BLARGH!!!! AHHHHH!!!

I must clear my head. Clear my head. Drink some caffeine, beer (NO NOT BEER!!!!) and clear my head.

Alcohol works best. But I'm not supposed to be drinking anymore.

THOUGHTS LEAVE MY HEAD!!!

Wasn't there a time when my head was clear? When I didn't have to imagine imaginary conversations to be happy? Because that's what I do, imagine imaginary conversations in order to find some sort of peace and happiness. But it gets out of hand. I look at a word, and subconsciously, I associate it with something in my life, good or bad. Usually bad. And then I start fucking freaking out.

It's chemical, man. I need to change the chemicals in my brain.

I think I might have to resort to the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Breaking Attachments

I was sitting in church the other day when I was thinking that I had problems with attachments to people. I was worried that this was some sort of disorder I had as a result of growing up so isolated. Not physically isolated, mentally and emotionally isolated. Because I didn't talk to very many people.

What I wonder is, why is it upsetting to have people that like you? Do people find it upsetting? So I liked this guy in college because I saw something great in him, and I felt great when I was around him. But he always pushed me away. And I think, isn't it a compliment that I like you? It wasn't like one of those guys on facebook who tell me they looked at my picture, and they fell in love. Because that is bullshit and solely based on physical attraction. I liked him because I thought he was someone interesting. And most people I find boring. But he was interesting. It was his personality, it had nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Maybe it's my fault the way things turned out. But I'm starting to hate him. And it's not real, true hatred. I couldn't feel that for anyone, but especially not him. But I have made great progress with this in the past year, and I find that if he hates me it's not really that big of a deal. I feel a sense of disgust now when I think about him, which is something new.

I would always be nice to him if he were to be nice to me. I guess, I wouldn't even secretly hope for a miracle where we could be together. I'm okay with him hating me now, because I have transferred my feeling for him, and the energy I put into those feelings, into feelings for other people. Yes, people, not another person. Plural. Because I have this strange ability now to have feelings for many people at a time.

I guess, what I'd want to say to you is that, maybe my opinion means nothing. Maybe it means nothing to you, at least. I know you hate yourself. But my opinion is that you have something about you that is really fucking awesome. And maybe that just makes you hate yourself more.