Battles Raged, Night After Night

That's what happened here. Battles raged. Actually, what happened first? I went over and spent maybe two nights at some random person's apartment. Actually, it wasn't even that guy's apartment, I think he was doing the ole "couch surfing" thing and they let him stay there. That's what happened immediately after the first Magi visit. I was talking to them, I told them, the "ditzy poisoned princess," or... There's something weird about that situation, actually. It's a reference to a girl in fourth grade who I was "too good to talk to," at recess. She didn't have any friends, either. There was some girl who I actually did hang out with at recess in fourth grade all the time, at the beginning of the year and towards the end of the year. During that brilliant pause there, umm, why didn't I talk to the "loser" girl? Why did I think I was so much better than that girl? What was wrong with me? Oooh, I'm better than her... Why? Stuck up of me, huh? At the end of the year, I said to myself, "I learned something this year. Never say you're too good to talk to someone, ever." It was a reference at the same time, to emails I sent Jason, going down with some sort of historical roses, flowers, and importance. At first Personal Unconscious Story A was disturbing but interesting, then you keep looking, and it changes. To something not disturbing, at least. I told the witches, at some point right here, there IS a Personal Unconscious Story B coming up... Coming up... I thought for a second it could be some sort of in person meeting between Jason and I after the fact, imagined a woman with hands over her mouth in surprise. I pointed out, "Notice, that might not be at all what it is. It hasn't come up yet." When it did come up... It was at a stranger's apartment. We were, doing something there, I didn't sleep, and in the morning Jason's vibes were vying for my attention. It just captured my attention. I looked at his picture, picture read, studying it. No assumptions. This situation was ridiculous, over the top, and sort of embarrassing but funny, and there were all sorts of energetic cords that could be pulled here, was the key issue, to aid with sex. It was a marriage invitation, yes. And, we have a go with the flow attitude, and when it ended with a sick feeling, it wasn't a suprise because that was a little over the top. And... BAM! Angel. The angel took the fall, and I was over it right away and laughed. There was a guy sitting across the table from me when it happened, looked at me with worry for a second, then said, "Oh nevermind you look fine now." That was the part that was funny. Something weird happened there for the rest of the day, and it was weird, spiritual, and glorious, but it wasn't the end. I thought it was going to be, but it wasn't, and I was determined. I went home to the group home, and spent all night laughing my head off. I didn't know what else to do. God, what a weird life. But, no I didn't get something, you're not supposed to think this situation is funny though, was the thing. That was the problem. Yes, that was a dumb situation, but I wasn't supposed to actually LAUGH. No no you got something wrong here, we weren't trying to be funny. And... Later.. Battles ensued. I made jokes. Well, this is serious, not funny though... And I know and I know. I have to remain sane here, and that's how I do it. I know. And, there was something kind of interesting about Subbie's apparent magic here, it did something, Subbie was doing something weird here, don't ask. And it was effective. And at one point, Jesus rescued me. But witches aren't going to run and hide from a rescue from Jesus, I will tell you that much. And I'm looking at Jesus, and I don't want to panic and say, "Help me! Help me! Save me! Save me!" In front of witches who don't believe in Jesus and probably think that's dumb. It was kind of funny when Jesus rescued me though. I felt like I was being life flighted out by wings.

It Was a Process, Yes...

Let's go back to, immediately after the first "Magi" visit. Well, I had to stay awake all night as they kept trying stupid spells that went nowhere, like moving energy up and down my arms. Freaky, no. And then the next morning a foreign guy arrived. To explain... Well, I got a hatred cord. And it was cut right then, because Jason arrived and he was a foreign guy. In my memory, this situation seems so strange to me I felt like I was in a different location entirely, when I remember it, but no I was still in this bedroom. I don't remember what happened right here, there was stuff that was clearly "throw it out like rice" material, no mistaking it. I was worried about Emily because Jason had punched her in the face! And, that was a reference to one time how I made a "Rule of Thumb" joke, and in retrospect, umm... You know, I was making an assumption, that he does not get violent and beat anyone here... I could be wrong. And if I am wrong, damn, that wasn't a funny joke. And he asked me to marry him, I said fine (I didn't take this situation seriously, and no hard feelings either way), since it was the merry month of June again. I imagined that he was locked up somewhere. And yeah, it wasn't surprising that he wasn't, you know, I don't think anyone actually talks to the old, or, you know, has... The Dark Duo of Infamy isn't people I thought are still very popular anymore, at all. Whatever that situation looks like. Yes, there are still people who talk to them. On a different note... There's a collective unconscious story that opens when you don't have friends, it came up later, "DROP A COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS BOMB!" Jason had that collective unconscious story open, and I do not. So, that means something, huh? Then... There was some wizardful world of losing sanity, but sanity remained intact, it could have been brainwaves there. And then... At some point, I grabbed the imprint in the bed and asked for comfort and help. Except, this was "Nick Fredrick," no it was still Jason, but that's who it was in my head and that's no compliment, for the record, to anyone here. And he said, "AHH!! SORRY BUT!! DON'T DO THAT!!! I DON'T WANT TO COMFORT YOU!!!" And then... There was some nasty energy of spells that were annoying, and I had to pick myself up and head to the old Zuhl residence, and it was hard but I did it, there was bad energy everywhere, or at least in my room and in the neighborhood. And then... Ian and I had a jolly old time at the old Zuhl residence. We had fun. Stayed up all night, maybe. I did get some sleep though. And, I slept walked to the door, or so I was told, and called for Kristen, that night. And then what happened? Actually, back at the Zuhl residence they tried to cast a spell and my guides blocked it out. They told me, "We work outside the law." What's the elephant in the room about this situation? I can feel them looking at my thoughts. It feels weird, and after awhile I just said hey what's up? I know and I know, well if someone is looking at what you are thinking, you can at least be nice and make jolly conversation. Or, whatever, say whatever. If you are alone on an island with some people, you can at least lighten the mood. And explain things, and stuff. And... I'm not always trying to be funny I'm going for a point of interest here though, an emotion of interest, and I'm not always sure exactly what it ends up being in the end. And... Cut. "Don't explain THAT part," says Ian.

What else happened? In No Particular Order...

What do I talk about first? At one point, I was sitting at a bar and Jason did a spell to tell me ot kill myself. Actually, that's the one I kept casting on him and forgetting that I was doing, and cognitive dissonance that promoted sanity. I'm saving the world here, the world is more important than you, like a parent to its baby, that means get lost. I don't care about niceties, if you are doing that, and I forget immediately because this is a lovely process. Oh? And, he was also doing love spells, or more like sex spells, simultaneously, at first or fuck if I know. The last time I remember him doing it though, it made me say, okay okay Jason you are only pulling for picture reading attention here, I want to look at something else and you pulling for the "attention knob." So, I think it happened twice at a bar, and that was right before I posted a video about Jason Farnworth and William Vandergaw, since I've already said his name, somewhere. And, back to the bar, the apparent reason was because I didn't talk to the old man sitting next to me, which was social judgment I don't think was bad, along with what do I say here? And I sent back "innocence," an energy that requires innocennt intent to send, and Subbie said that was effective, keep doing that. He tried, at one point, to send the same energy back, and it wasn't believable. I know this story is fucking crazy, don't get mad, people. How the hell did he see what I was doing? Well, he knows weird stuff without being told, but I don't actually know what was going on here. He's read a whole bunch about the Great Beyond, and he has studied "alchemy." Which.. is kooky apparently, to study alchemy. Anyway... There was a brilliant pause here, I think, or was there? I don't remember exactly. That's the thing! I don't remember exactly the particular order and time frames but... He didn't repeatedly cast the kill yourself spell. He cast it twice. When I did it on him, all I meant was stop. Leave. Me. Alone. I am moving on, and I didn't choose sexual wooing energy go begin with, thank you very much. I'm used to this retardando energy hijack situation. And that's the exact reason I'm not actually mad. What a fucking stupid hard to understand situation, and if you have cookies for feet you don't exactly expect other people to be nice about such a fucking ugly situation. I also remembered the training video! "It was unfair before, it's still unfair. Virtually no difference, always unfair." And I thought "Heart on the loose" meant something magical happened... There's some vague reference in my mind that might be entirely fictional mind you, people talking, "Oh, and then I reached... Heart on the loose." That means something, yes. It means I stopped liking him, actually. But... there is something wrong with the bed! THE BED! THE BED HAS AN EVIL FORCE! The woo left an evil force in the bed, and what do I do NOW? There is no one left... Just the evil force in the bed... And it's gone now. That's how you know. The bed is different now. Is the problem solved? Well, this blog didn't explain the situation in order, either.

What Happened After You Said "Jesus Saves?"

Jesus, that situation didn't seem fair. "Well, tell the rest of your story, of course." I believed it was a real mission, because they obviously performed some sort of "surgery" or something defying natural explanation happened to my brain, which was the thing that started the spirit guide situation in 2014. Since I believed it really was a global warming mission, that was the natural conclusion, well, "the guides" or as some say, "the spirit guides" said, well, we have special permission to use black magic here. There were situations I didn't actual believe where black magic was used a little, I guess. That's the thing, "I guess." Well, then there were subconscious spells at the beginning, and I didn't believe that was possible either okay, but I knew it wasn't in my head, and what the hell do I know about the what stuff is possible anyway? So yeah, I know. Anyway... I remember Jason read the book series in a strange order, and said, "Well, you could join the Magi." Which seemed like a jolly force of good, and I imagined it was something reputable and also not exactly real either, but I didn't think too hard on that situation, either. THAT was the Magi, apparently. They do that right there, harass people. Exactly. The other thought that occurs to me, I was supposed to whine and complain on Facebook, or call the cops, or tell someone. And... When the "Magi" eventually did come, and did the spell Jason himself didn't know how to do himself, He screamed, with the mechanism of the brain that is special, or not on the spiritual plane, the "urgent" message thingamob... As a side note, my mom was using this mechanism constantly when I was on the streets of Santa Barbara. And, Hugh used this mechanism, and it worked like a charm, in retrospect since I didn't know that on a conscious level for a long time. "Rachel, I do not care that you were very very quiet in high school. That right there doesn't bother me. You left people alone and minded your own God damn business, good for you." Because... Everything else was going to be a problem there, and there was no God damn problem if he wasn't harassed by a demon. And that's the thing, except recently it came out of nowhere that there was still a little bit of anger for... You know, insisting upon writing. I always said about that situation, in retrospect, "At least that he let that situation play out to an end, geez I would have died if he immediately blocked me." And... Umm. What else, old Jesus Christ? This is kind of rambling... Anyway, what were talking about? Jason yelled "Call the police!" And I could feel a difference in energy right here, when the Magi did come. And... Later on, there was a primordial unconscious story I was looking at, about when a normal everyday Joe woman experienced the "Magi." It's something unpleasant but interesting enough to look at. Normally, when we talk about opening the "primordial unconscious," we just point out something that happened. This one wasn't actually the same, I looked at for a second. Bad, but God what a weird situation that is. Huh... They do something to your... You know what. And that was the worst picture read of Jason though, right after happened. But he gathered the strength to continue, and... I feel comfortable sharing this situation now. Should I? Does something bad happen? I don't think so, I think it's fine now.

Onward, to the Actual Unit at Unity Hospital, Where things get better!

Everything was bleak. I was at the end of my ropes, and I wanted to die. Well, how? I dunno, how... I don't remember if I had a roommate when I first got there, I may have. And I don't remember. Then I got a different roommate. Maybe, or was that the first one? Dunno. Anyway, this woman came in, and she's like, "Wow! The hospital! Wow! I'm so excited to be here and meet everyone! I just can't wait!" I was planning on eventually talking to her, but you know. I did comment on the library she brought to the hospital with her, I thought it was weird that she insisted on bringing a whole bunch of books from home. I simply said something about it. She rested her Bible on her pillow. I was thinking that was something we could talk about, Christianity. I had one of those iPads or whatever, they have Spotify. And I was listening to music, I think at this point I was using headphones. Someone had given me chocolates, and they were sitting on my desk. She ate them and I thought it was rude, but I excused it. Then I was sitting there, and I was zoned out, and... I listened to a conversation about, something about molestation, and something about how her family doesn't like her boyfriend who is Christian. "Well, you know, he's Christian. Like, Oh my God you don't get it, he's Christian." And, I pointed out at one point I talk to myself. Maybe I was supposed to look embarrassed and ashamed and I didn't. And then... At some point not too long later she left, and I found mayonaisse in my hairbrush the next morning. Yes, I bring a hairbrush from home, do you have a problem with that? Hmm? Do you know what has happened in the past, when I didn't have a firm bristle hairbrush, hmm?" So, I woke up, and saw that, didn't know what to do, asked someone to clean it, and they insisted on Zyprexa. I had to force tears out right here. I had to FORCE out the tears in the restroom, crying will release chemicals that will make this experienc easier. And I took it, and went to sleep, and had to deal with the dirty Zyprexa repercussions in the morning. That's not hunger, that's just general feeling like shit. And.. My parents got it through to the doctor... Oooh, I remember! I REMEMBER! I am forced to take SOMETHING here, I remembered how Lamictal and Abilify "weren't as bad." No, there was something wrong. So, handily and dandily, I remembered, with the prompting of my guides, "Aha!" We never gave Vraylar a reasonable chance, did we? I took that one, when something else was going on in my life, that they could understand, but I wouldn't know if that was important or if they would even remember when, either, only that "Vraylar didn't work." So, I got Vraylar, the increased appetite dissipated after several days, and I tried cheeking it one day and felt better when I didn't. My dad says, "No, never cheek.." "Why? That made me not angry about taking it!" (You would also think right here, there were other factors in "resting" or "unmedicated" brain chemistry to consider...) Then, the new doctor gave in and listened to my parents. Try Ritalin! I had to wait, and eventually, I got the Ritalin. And... There was a spiritual visitation that night... And... My guides predicted the next day, Tuesday, wrote down "Canceled" in the notebook, I didn't think that would happen.. Psychological distress... And happy times to music. Music. Music. And lots of zoning out to music here, on Ritalin. And at the end of the week, when the Ritalin was taken away, it was okay with me. I had found the will to live. And I was ready to get out. This was something weird. At the end of the visit, there was something about this situation. It seemed like some sort of understanding had been reached. Somewhere, with some people, about something. And this was by far, the most interesting hospital. I left the hospital, determined to live. And, well? What do I do now? Find Mr. Right? Who? Where? I don't know if the random dude I find on Zoosk is going to be Mr. Right, the one who give me a chance, lord help me...

The (woohoo?) Pez

The Pez, at Unity Hospital, is this large room of armchairs. In the back, there are four private rooms. They do not have beds, they have these squishy rubber or plastic or whatever cubes that you can push together and put blankets and pillows over. They are not good for sleeping. When I slept there, I had a dream that seemed to be suggesting trying at least, you know, hanging myself as a suicide method. Try it? And Subbie later said, that's called bad sleep quality. There is something wrong with the quality of sleep, if that's a dream I had. That wasn't an effective sleep session. Eventually though, after sleeping at one point, I told a guy who worked there, "I like it when sleep solidifies delusions." And he gave me a knowing look. The food there is bad, but it's always bad, especially bad here. Things you can do in this environment? Well, you can talk to the audio/video stuff, but then they think you are responding to "internal stimuli" and they come and medicate you. Another thing? Play around with social signals, and walk around, feel around, look at people, see how they respond, and try to do this discreetly, without upsetting people. You can talk to people, but sometimes I'm not in the mood here. There's a television, and I hate television. And seating in front of the television isn't good either, you have to have one of those fucking armchairs right in front of the television. I was thinking about Ethan, and haunted by this song by Sophie B. Hawkins, "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep." What kept me going? Thinking about the Lady Gaga song Babylon, and that awfully strange coincidence about how Tupac died immediately after I started school in fourth grade in Lake Oswego. I was dying here. Please let me out, please let me out... The bed took forever, and I don't even remember what they were doing with the medication here. Actually, I think this was the visit I was look, "Oooh, Zoloft, that's a good doctor!" And then they told me, "Rachel, you were already on Zoloft. Nope, the doctor said that Rachel... The doctor said that..." And I'm supposed to believe that they doctor was right and I simply did not remember. "For the love of God get me out! Onward! To the unit!" "A room finally opened up, but it is with a roommate." "Anything is better than this place!"

Well, You Should At Least Tell Someone What Happened, Rachel...

I should be finishing the ole' memoir series here. And.. I don't feel like it. We can talk about it here, I guess. So... After I got to Unity Hospital, after the abortion, and Jason got angry about something that wasn't true that he "picked up on" and of course message blocked me. My brain was doing something, I was at my parent's house, in pain, and the part that I neglected to remember for awhile was that Subbie was the one who made a suicide threat on Facebook, and that actually might have been why the cops were called, not because of a little bit of screaming. It could have been either one, though. So what happened? I wasn't allowed a glass of water first. Of course, I thought it was a major point of interest the first time I was denied water on the way and at the hospital and after injected with medication even, now this was old news. I don't know why they can't let you have water. In general, or sometimes at all. You wouldn't want to flush out the medication, I guess. That's the joke, ha ha? Anyway, I was in a lot of pain of some sort on the way to the hospital. They had no water on the way, except of course for the "salt water," and it wasn't really a joke they thought was funny either or else I would have noticed they were kidding about that. I asked the man in ambulance or transport vehicle, did anything weird just happen? "No, standard procedure." This isn't a situation anyone would think was interesting, I guess, is what he meant. He wanted to prick my finger, and I wondered why he would want to invade my personal space anymore than had already happened right there. It occurred to me later, that's standard procedure and he just asked, he didn't insist. Then I got to the ole dreaded Unity Hospital. There was a bunch of commotion, I was doing something with my mouth and my face and stuff to maintain sanity, I didn't say anything mean. There was something going on, I asked if they could at least release me, geez. A guy there told me, "Don't ask me what's going on, I'm dumb." I knew he meant there was something wrong with this situation, and he can't do anything about it. God, this situation was so annoying I don't even want to talk about it. So I got to the ole', umm, "seclusion" unit. And I'm expected to sleep with a bright light, in the middle of the day, in a room with only a little mattress. There is a private restroom and it is locked. They told me, "People have gotten very creative in the restroom." Anyway... But, well I didn't actually have to go to the restroom, I needed nicotine, at least. People pass the room, and no one will help you. And, there is no call button. It came up at one point, "You were supposed to wave at the cameras." No, that doesn't work, and they are not looking, either. After awhile, they put a piece of paper over the window, because they couldn't stand being reminded that someone was in the room. I was trying to, you know, regain the will to live, this time. I was there for suicide. So, to keep myself from... I don't know. Losing my mind, I guess. I resorted to our power chant, "What are we doing, 8312? What are we doing, 8312?" This is a reference to a couple things, one of them a dream I had early on when the conscious part of the mission started, it is a reference to early spell work but actually in this dream it was a protest rally chant. That person who put the paper there was offended, and they came and told me. I didn't know what they meant. "You insulted someone." I looked at them bewildered. "What did I say?" Oh... "You forgot a part," said the guides. I was supposed to drink the water like a baby with someone holding the "sippy cup." I didn't do it, but they held it to my mouth for a second. I forgot that part, and I didn't like that part. So, anyway, I have my voice to keep me company here, so I did thinks like, "Excuse me, passerby." I liked "excuse my, passerby." Just an exercise in saying words in a rhythmic fashion. Well, in Unity Hospital's defense though, you're not supposed to do anything in this particular place besides sleep. And I am incapable of sleeping with a bright light on me, or... It's really uncomfortable. I just went through the worst experience of my life, can I at least have the comfort of lying down, letting my brain relax and sleep come over me, can I at least have that comfort? No, because there is a blaring light. We don't want you to bang your head against the wall, I wouldn't do that, but they are not going to take any fucking chances in this setting, none at all! And no, the walls aren't padded, just pointing that out. Eventually, they forced Zyprexa on me, and I didn't sleep. Then... Uhh.. I didn't sleep and the next morning, the nurse came with my nicotine... Which was the lozenge. You know, I enjoy chewing nicotine gum, I like the way it makes me think and feel, and holding a lozenge on my tongue does not do the same thing. I didn't take it, and I wasn't mean, I just pointed out I'll wait for the gum (if I take the lozenge the gum would be a nevermind). And... The nurse never came back. Well, not till like the end of the day, and I said something (I don't remember the exact quote) and called her "Mommy." And she looked upset, and the joke I made in my head was that I squashed that woman's dreams of being a mommy someday. I was supposed to think of that situation, first. I don't remember sleeping at all in this setting, and I was here for maybe two days? If I slept at all, it wasn't quality sleep. I pissed on the floor, a safe distance from my bed, because I'm not going to deal with their shenanigans while holding my bladder thank you very much. I told them sincerely, "I feel like I'm being treated like I'm subhuman here, but it's okay I'm used to it." And they went and got Kayla to second guess my sincerity here. And she was upset that I was refusing their "care," which was the dopamine blockers. Oh, their "loving care." Then, right away I was moved to the Pez, where you have to sit around for awhile... Oh, I remember what happened. Kayla said something about my "aggression," which you know I don't have aggression, so I said something... (it wasn't aggression that was happening at the hospital, just a general reference to things I might be experiencing). Anyway, I started to interrupt, she said "hey, you interrupted me," and I stopped and let her talk. And she said, "You know what I noticed. I noticed you listened, and that's something new." The thing about that was, that's not something new, and I know at least my family knows this, the old passing the ball back and forth is hard for me, so I get mad when they interrupt, and say "oh there I did it excuse me." I lose my train of thought when I'm interrupted, I might not even be able to remember what I was saying, and the thing is they've had more practice, but this isn't a competition either, in this situation, conversations, we are trying to reach an understanding. Anyway, when I arrived to the Pez and a calm room opened up like I predicted, and Kayla left... I told someone about Kayla's assumption, and he said, "Oh, did she... Thank you for pointing that out." I thought that might not have been Kayla's first offense. So, here I was at the Pez now, the next disgusting holding place.

Smooth Sailin'

The ironic thing about my life was that the defining moment of my childhood happened the summer before third grade, in Indiana, on a subconscious level. That's when they spirits finally gave up the game they were playing, and told me what "the catch" was to my promised wonderful life story. After we moved, I wouldn't talk to anyone at the new school (It also came up later, "you will appear crudely drawn." "Huh?" "Like a stick figure." "What?" "Stick figure." of course, that made no sense to me at all, how weird. They meant they were doing something to my aura to make it appear weak, so people wouldn't want to pick on me). Anyway... I was embarrassed, that was a situation I didn't even think of. The only two things I could think of, were homelessness which made no sense, and headgear. That's the subconscious mind of a little kid for you. They told me this in my sleep, and then said, "Let it process." And the joke was smooth sailin', of course, to point out this transition is smoother than you would expect, from excitement on moving to a new house, to horrible rancid disappointment. It almost seemed like I new that was happening, which makes no sense, I know, but it's true. The dream I had, there was the number 8, to represent age 8, and me dancing as Ruffapalooza or whater that weird kid character I saw one time on Nick at Night as a kid was called. It looked like I was doing aerobics by myself, which was a reference to us as kids (my friends, Patty, Debi, and Kristen) thinking doing aerobic exercise like what would you call it? Jazzercise, I guess, looked stupid and dumb. Then... Age 16. Ruffapalooza drinking alcohol. Then... Age 23. Ruffapalooza on the street, getting high on heroin. It was a nightmare that didn't seem to go anywhere at all. That's why I call it a nightmare that lacked emphasis. Actually, clearly, that situation made no sense, so.. I remember it though, is the thing, it came up recently, in discussion with Ian. Actually, the psyche seemed to be reexamining the processing of that particular nightmare or annoying dream, on a level when the psyche is older and better developed. It was during the day though, was the thing. It kept coming up randomly in my head. What was the other issue that maybe needed therapy? Actually, nothing needed therapy was the thing, except for my dad's tickling of me. Patty and how she insisted on us watching Maury, as the four of us kids were falling apart. No playing kid games. We were growing up, so Patty insisted on us watching Maury.

Birthdays

Yes, Jason Wuestawald. It bothers me so fucking much when I don't get birthday presents. It burns me the fuck up. That is the bane of my existence not getting birthday presents. I never get them anyway. And I don't care. Shut the fuck up. Jason Wuestawald. I would not care if no one remembered my birthday. It's just another day on the calendar.

What was the 6th grade dream classic?

Well I did have some sort of naked dream one time. And it was about developing breasts, said Sunday. I also had this dream that was ever so magical and I don't really remember now.. I was in the back yard of my house, I had a bucket and dumped the water on the ground. It turned into a swimming pool, full of people! But, I couldn't take my clothes off and get in, I wanted to swim, in a bathing suit obviously. I could not get my clothes off. I took them off, and then they were back on. Then what? There was also a reoccurring dream that was annoying me or maybe not, where everyone else wanted to live in my house, but they knew more about it than me and it was annoying that they knew more about my house than I did.

The Work Achieved at "Intensive" Transition

Well, it was okay. For you know, stuff being a hell of a lot better than before. No, that was after... Off Geodon here. We found a new drug, the chew, which seemed to work. However... I don't like that stuff anymore, thank you very much. I gained "nicotine gum" priviledges at this place. That's one thing that happened. That was the right decision at the time, for the ole... Problem. Which was, learning to socialize and have family fun here. So we were family, at Intensive Transition, and that was the fun part. Also... For the love of Jesus... If someone smokes, talking about the little family here, let them have enough allowance to last the entire week, okay. In general, stop. Stop. (Subbie) What was I supposed to be doing here, other than that though? Addressing the right emotional problem. I don't know. I didn't think it was a mental illness. What else happened? Wow, that place was so fucking expensive it was awfully ridiculous... like, what was it again? "We are spending 11,000 every month, for this living environment." I LEARNED here, didn't I? I learned to take the money/parental situation for granted right at that moment. I thought that would be excusible, givin the circumstances. There was... an hour of therapy with a therapist or MSW, and, maybe decent therapist, because it's hard. Oh. I stopped taking life seriously RIGHT then. There were other occurences too. I told you not to throw the money away, I'm trying to be patient. Why did it cost that much? I don't know why. It went to insurance, I guess.

Personal Unconscious Story B

It's this woman running around, getting everything ready for her children's party. She's rushing around, "So much to do, oh, so much to do... This, this this... This, this and this... So much to do, oh they are going to love this, they love this in the party, they need this... oh, so much fun..." And then you look at a table, there are four empty places, and you realize this woman does not have any children at all. It reminds me of the scene in Beauty and the Beast, "Be My Guest."

"We Can Tell By Looking" or "What You Care About Is Looking The Part"

I've been told, by my sources, "If Rachel isn't wearing makeup she isn't functioning well." That's one thing, or one of the myths in my parent's minds. What's the other one? Well, showering and hygiene, obviously. With my lifestyle, sometimes showering gets neglected. GASP! That's an old story, though. Anyway... What's my point? I don't "love Febreeze" for one, I heard that comment when I asked for the bathroom to be Febreezed. Actually, I would do it myself if I had my old "magic" Febreeze scent, so instead I have to deal with the house flowery yuck smell in the bathroom. What's the issue at hand? Well, in this living environment, I wasn't going to point it out on the internet because I thought that was an issue that person wouldn't want to be embarrassed about, but... God, someone has horrible BO here... I'm usually not picky unless it smells like THAT. I'm not trying to be mean... Yeah, I know I smelled a second ago.. That's why I'm taking a shower. I am trying to function, and I can't deal with THAT particular BO smell all over the upstairs, in both bathrooms, everywhere. What's my other point? "You and your secret mission." Is what no one said out loud, or something I am thinking some people might be thinking here. When I ask for a change, don't do the opposite just to spite me because you don't believe in a mission. Don't ask about nicotine. And don't insist on Circadian rhythm conformity. "Well, what you probably care about is looking wonderful every single second, so..." That's not true. I can look like shit for a bit and I don't care. So don't judge my functioning by my hygiene/makeup use, all the time. Also, my ability to function might be taken into question if I'm not able to properly apply eyeliner, is another thought. NOT APPLYING EYELINER WELL! Well, that's a dink on your record, isn't it? You are supposed to be able to apply that fucking eyeliner correcty, yes it's the best brand I decided, but I'm wondering if I should throw it out now even though there is plenty left and buy a whole new tub just so it... Anyway, you get the idea. The other thought? "You love Febreeze." When the hell do I ever use Febreeze? Actually, I had that one scent of Febreeze, and I don't know where it is anymore. Why? I moved and they moved my stuff for me and it wasn't there. So again, it might come down to, "Rachel we hate that Fish Out of Water Psychology story just SO FUCKING MUCH..." First you had to live through it. Then you had to sit still for awhile and rest to prevent mental breakdown due to too much stress. And then it comes back down to the Febreeze. No, I don't love Febreeze okay. Some people in the house just need to shower, is all. Just trying to function. Not trying to make a point. Well, actually I am, yes. I'm not trying to make a point that I'm better than everyone else, that's not my point. My point is stop.

Well, you were supposed to make use of the FIRST treatment center, Rachel

What did I do wrong? You were supposed to make use of the therapy system at the first treatment center. Why didn't I? I was supposed to bring up the right issue in therapy. What was that? I was supposed to know what the issue that needed to be addressed that would convince me that medication was necessary. Except, there was no reason to believe I needed medication at all. But there was, because my parents said so, and the doctors always say so when your diagnosis is schizoaffective. Stop acting like the medication wasn't helping, Rachel. Well, I didn't believe it was. SO SUE ME! SO SUE ME! THE MEDICATION WASN'T... Helping. Let's just say that. It wasn't helping. Why would I think it helped? Well, for one, what was the problem? That first time you became delusional Rachel, duh! Well, I didn't believe that was a problem, it was just my parents who decided to secure a guardianship for that reason. So it was a problem for that reason. So the reason the first delusional issue was a problem, was because your parents might secure ANOTHER guardianship over you if you don't... So, take your medication, that always prevents weird things from happening, just take our word for it Rachel, we don't trust anything at all you have to say about the issue, we will ALWAYS tell you you are lying if you say the medication wasn't helping, and we will ALWAYS assume you weren't taking the medication if anything weird is going on at all while you are on medication. We will say that no matter what Rachel. You weren't on your medication, that's why that happened. We ignore whatever you say about the situation. Also, I was supposed to address the right issue in therapy. What was the right issue? Positive self talk. I was supposed to address the right issue and it was positive self talk. That will solve all your problems, Rachel. If you just talk about your problem with positive self-talk in therapy. Also? You were supposed to address the fourth grade issue, which was that I was too stupid to make conversation with my peers. Why are you so stupid you can't talk to people, Rachel? Well, that changed all of a sudden at Innercept for no reason... Also, back to positive self-talk. My spirit guides fixed the problem with freaking out all the time, I don't do that anymore see? Anyway, what did you forget to do at the first treatment center? Accept the medication helps. That is all. It helped because we said so. That's the only thing I ever hear about the situation, ever. It helps, take our word for it...