Wednesday was weird. That was the day that the teacher declared that I was the professor. After class I wrote a blog, filled out an app to be a degree-seeking student at NIC, and then rode the bus home.
It was sometime around then that I started feeling seriously funny. It seems that seriously funny is an oxymoron, but that's how I felt. I wasn't manic. Or was I? I felt a higher energy.
Maybe it was just my hat giving me special powers. First it gave me super awesome professor powers, then it gave me the ability to beat Dan at chess. I don't really know how to define my chess-playing abilities, but I see myself as someone who's doesn't completely suck but isn't particularly good at it, at least for someone like me whose strength is logical thinking. But then again, I don't play enough to really know. Dan claims to be good, he's beaten me twice before, on Wednesday we played twice the first game was a stalemate and I beat him the second game. I'm not sure this chess incident is even significant, but I'm mentioning it anyway. At this point though, I was already feeling seriously funny, which I was quite vocal about. I took a klonopin, though I didn't particularly want one and I wasn't feeling anxious, I was actually feeling pretty freaking good. But I thought maybe if it was just chemical the klonopin would make it go away. It didn't really.
So I thought on this, this seriously funny feeling and what triggered it. It all came on very suddenly, not even over night. I realized it sort of started when the logic professor called me the professor. This wasn't a big deal, but I got the feeling of being recognized in a positive way. One thing I know is, sometimes when something big is going to happen, some big event that triggers a big feeling, when a smaller event happens that triggers a small but similar feeling it feels oddly significant. I've known this to be true from my own experience and other peoples'. I know someone who saw the Lion King as a kid and cried hysterically when Simba's dad Mufasa died. Her own dad died a few years later. Coincidence? No.
The way I feel about this seriously funny feeling, I think it's a feeling that things are going to change for me. Yes, I will move into my apartment and into aftercare, but that's only part of it. I think it might mean that I will be recognized in a small way, but in a much larger way than I was in class, of course. At least, in the near future it will be in a small way. But I didn't know how it was going to happen, so I thought maybe I needed to do something. I wasn't feeling a strong push, but maybe there was still some action necessary on my part. I thought maybe it's time to try to get published in a magazine.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Logic and Dopamine
I just got out of logic class, where I was reminded that logic is something I excel at. I whizzed through the in-class work because it was easy, finishing long before I think anyone else finished, so I sat there staring at the wall, and then the teacher came over and briefly looked over my work and declared that I was the professor. So now I'm a professor.
This triggers a lot of thoughts in me, like that the reason that I don't have the job isn't because of lack of skill but rather lack of education. I figured out the other day that I don't need all that many more credits to earn an Associate's degree, which is exciting to think that I could soon be something more than a high school graduate. Of course, I would then transfer to some other school and earn a Bachelor's degree, and maybe more if I felt like it. North Idaho College may have been good enough for Sarah Palin but it's not good enough for me.
But apart from that, remembering that I excelled at logic made me wonder why I'm not allowed to trust my own brain. For some reason, I have to rely on other people's opinions or conclusions on things, even though I have both higher intelligence and more information.
Yet I, being the professor and all, see flaws in this. I'm not sure how well being good at the kind of logic we were doing in class transfers over to examining my life. When my parents look at my life, they see a trouble teen who spiraled into a meltdown. That's not what I see. Sure, there were issues, but nothing that lead to a meltdown. I see supernatural occurences. More importantly, I see the reasons why these supernatural occurences happened. At least, I see how one odd spirit-induced event lead to another odd spirit-induced event. And this is where I feel like I might lose people, because in order to understand what I am saying I would actually have to give you examples, and that kind of stuff is top secret, at least for now.
But that's not to say that there wasn't faulty thinking. Boy, was there faulty thinking! I'm just saying, there are some serious gaps in the chemical imbalance theory.
In the end though, this misunderstanding comes down to chemicals. Brain chemicals have the ability to determine what a person deems as being probable. Someone with more dopamine sees more significance, and the more grandiose possibility seems more likely. People with less dopamine only accept ordinary and often pessimistic views of why things are. My mother has pessimistic thinking patterns and sees mostly negative traits in her daughters, especially my sister. Whenever my mom talks to me about her she says negative things. It's likely that her brain is unable to comprehend optimistic ideas. This is how I see things.
This triggers a lot of thoughts in me, like that the reason that I don't have the job isn't because of lack of skill but rather lack of education. I figured out the other day that I don't need all that many more credits to earn an Associate's degree, which is exciting to think that I could soon be something more than a high school graduate. Of course, I would then transfer to some other school and earn a Bachelor's degree, and maybe more if I felt like it. North Idaho College may have been good enough for Sarah Palin but it's not good enough for me.
But apart from that, remembering that I excelled at logic made me wonder why I'm not allowed to trust my own brain. For some reason, I have to rely on other people's opinions or conclusions on things, even though I have both higher intelligence and more information.
Yet I, being the professor and all, see flaws in this. I'm not sure how well being good at the kind of logic we were doing in class transfers over to examining my life. When my parents look at my life, they see a trouble teen who spiraled into a meltdown. That's not what I see. Sure, there were issues, but nothing that lead to a meltdown. I see supernatural occurences. More importantly, I see the reasons why these supernatural occurences happened. At least, I see how one odd spirit-induced event lead to another odd spirit-induced event. And this is where I feel like I might lose people, because in order to understand what I am saying I would actually have to give you examples, and that kind of stuff is top secret, at least for now.
But that's not to say that there wasn't faulty thinking. Boy, was there faulty thinking! I'm just saying, there are some serious gaps in the chemical imbalance theory.
In the end though, this misunderstanding comes down to chemicals. Brain chemicals have the ability to determine what a person deems as being probable. Someone with more dopamine sees more significance, and the more grandiose possibility seems more likely. People with less dopamine only accept ordinary and often pessimistic views of why things are. My mother has pessimistic thinking patterns and sees mostly negative traits in her daughters, especially my sister. Whenever my mom talks to me about her she says negative things. It's likely that her brain is unable to comprehend optimistic ideas. This is how I see things.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Breaking Through
I need to find a way to get myself off the ground. I have to learn to make my own income. Since no one seems to want to hire me, I'm left with two options: become famous or survive off of government handouts/become a beggar. So it's one of two extremes. This is how I see it.
The problem with becoming famous is it's kind of like losing your virginity. Once you've done it you can't go back. I read about and listen to celebrities complain about being famous yet I still say fuck it, I want to lose my unknown status. Which is a big leap for me. It's not as big of a leap for my sister, since she is sometimes recognized by strangers. But we don't talk about that.
The process of querying agents is maddening, and if you've been reading my recent blogs you'll know that a lot of things are maddening for me. But I think querying tops the list. And people on the writing website have been hassling me about things, though I don't think they mean to hassle they're just trying to make sure I've thought things through. But I don't want to get into that.
So I said, screw querying for a little bit. Kristen (my sister), let's you and me become YouTube sensations. Now it's probably not as easy as it looks, but look at some of the simple weird videos that become YouTube sensations. There's like a gerbil or hamster or whatever that turns around and has a dramatic look on it's face. That's it. That's all it is, and everyone knows about it. And then there's that guy who lip syncs to that one song. He's also a YouTube sensation.
Kristen and I represent upper-middle class suburban dystopia. There's my sister, but we don't talk about what she does. She also converses with spirits. And then there's me, who dropped out of college when I became delusional and thought that I was Jesus on a mission to warn the world about global warming. I live at a residential treatment center for upper-middle class fucked up young adults/adolescents. Yeah it's all rich kids, because it costs a freaking fortune but isn't worthy hardly a fraction of what it costs. But I've said that already (and deleted that post, I had my reasons). Anyway, I think my sister and I are a pretty good pair.
But my sister doesn't seem as sure of herself in what she is thinking is going to happen anymore. This worries me, because I trust her intuition more than I trust my own, though not about everything. Which because of the fact that I just wrote "not about everything" makes me think I should trust myself more, for reasons I won't get into.
But to sum things up, I'm really not sure about anything anymore, except for the fact that I don't want to resort to applying for social security disability money, and I don't want to end up living off food stamps.
The problem with becoming famous is it's kind of like losing your virginity. Once you've done it you can't go back. I read about and listen to celebrities complain about being famous yet I still say fuck it, I want to lose my unknown status. Which is a big leap for me. It's not as big of a leap for my sister, since she is sometimes recognized by strangers. But we don't talk about that.
The process of querying agents is maddening, and if you've been reading my recent blogs you'll know that a lot of things are maddening for me. But I think querying tops the list. And people on the writing website have been hassling me about things, though I don't think they mean to hassle they're just trying to make sure I've thought things through. But I don't want to get into that.
So I said, screw querying for a little bit. Kristen (my sister), let's you and me become YouTube sensations. Now it's probably not as easy as it looks, but look at some of the simple weird videos that become YouTube sensations. There's like a gerbil or hamster or whatever that turns around and has a dramatic look on it's face. That's it. That's all it is, and everyone knows about it. And then there's that guy who lip syncs to that one song. He's also a YouTube sensation.
Kristen and I represent upper-middle class suburban dystopia. There's my sister, but we don't talk about what she does. She also converses with spirits. And then there's me, who dropped out of college when I became delusional and thought that I was Jesus on a mission to warn the world about global warming. I live at a residential treatment center for upper-middle class fucked up young adults/adolescents. Yeah it's all rich kids, because it costs a freaking fortune but isn't worthy hardly a fraction of what it costs. But I've said that already (and deleted that post, I had my reasons). Anyway, I think my sister and I are a pretty good pair.
But my sister doesn't seem as sure of herself in what she is thinking is going to happen anymore. This worries me, because I trust her intuition more than I trust my own, though not about everything. Which because of the fact that I just wrote "not about everything" makes me think I should trust myself more, for reasons I won't get into.
But to sum things up, I'm really not sure about anything anymore, except for the fact that I don't want to resort to applying for social security disability money, and I don't want to end up living off food stamps.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Spirit Imposters
One night last spring my spirit people came to me in a dream and told me I needed to leave Innercept.
I still believe that this was truly a message from the spirits. So I decided that when people directly tell you things in dreams they should be taken seriously. That was before the onslaught of the imposter spirit people.
One theory on why this is happening is because now I make a point of asking questions to people in a dream, thinking they are a spirit. Most people in my dreams aren't spirits, they are just a character generated by some part of my psyche. But I want answers, dammit! So I ask them questions, and if they don't tell me what I want to hear I ask someone else until I eventually get an answer I like.
Last night I didn't have to do this though. I don't remember anything about it except that someone in my dream told me everything that I wanted to hear, about the usual questions I would have asked.
Part of me still secretly (well, not so secretly) hopes that this was a spirit. But I have my doubts. People in dreams have given me conflicting information. Before I got the rejection later from the agent I sent my manuscript to, I had a dream where someone told me that agent would represent me. It's madness.
The problem is that right now my mind isn't regulating who can and can't enter my dreams. I need some sort of filter, with armed guards and metal detectors.
I still believe that this was truly a message from the spirits. So I decided that when people directly tell you things in dreams they should be taken seriously. That was before the onslaught of the imposter spirit people.
One theory on why this is happening is because now I make a point of asking questions to people in a dream, thinking they are a spirit. Most people in my dreams aren't spirits, they are just a character generated by some part of my psyche. But I want answers, dammit! So I ask them questions, and if they don't tell me what I want to hear I ask someone else until I eventually get an answer I like.
Last night I didn't have to do this though. I don't remember anything about it except that someone in my dream told me everything that I wanted to hear, about the usual questions I would have asked.
Part of me still secretly (well, not so secretly) hopes that this was a spirit. But I have my doubts. People in dreams have given me conflicting information. Before I got the rejection later from the agent I sent my manuscript to, I had a dream where someone told me that agent would represent me. It's madness.
The problem is that right now my mind isn't regulating who can and can't enter my dreams. I need some sort of filter, with armed guards and metal detectors.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Life Decisions
So I've mentioned before that I use the word spirits to calm me when I remember certain things. While this tactic helps, it seldom does the trick.
This is maddening and repeats endlessly. It started today, and I thought about suicide as a way out. Not seriously, so don't get worried, but the thought crossed my mind. My mind often goes there when it gets bad. It makes me mad because I feel like certain people judge me poorly based on certain things which eat away at me and make me go crazy, sometimes literally, to the point where I think about suicide, sometimes seriously (just not this time). I know I can't kill myself, nor can I self-harm in other ways like by cutting myself. Because despite being torn apart by regret, I actually do forgive myself, and when I hurt myself it's like hurting someone I love, and it feels like a betrayal.
As with most things, you can deal with them in a negative way or you can deal with them in a positive way. So after considering the negative option, I thought about the positive alternative. I thought maybe it was a good idea, and it was reinforced by things that were going on around me. Certain mysterious things I won't mention.
So I made a decision. And I put on a cross necklace to symbolize this decision, but the decision wasn't to become Christian. I just couldn't think of any other way to symbolize it.
I don't know if this is going to last, but I don't think I'll really move forward until I make it last.
This is maddening and repeats endlessly. It started today, and I thought about suicide as a way out. Not seriously, so don't get worried, but the thought crossed my mind. My mind often goes there when it gets bad. It makes me mad because I feel like certain people judge me poorly based on certain things which eat away at me and make me go crazy, sometimes literally, to the point where I think about suicide, sometimes seriously (just not this time). I know I can't kill myself, nor can I self-harm in other ways like by cutting myself. Because despite being torn apart by regret, I actually do forgive myself, and when I hurt myself it's like hurting someone I love, and it feels like a betrayal.
As with most things, you can deal with them in a negative way or you can deal with them in a positive way. So after considering the negative option, I thought about the positive alternative. I thought maybe it was a good idea, and it was reinforced by things that were going on around me. Certain mysterious things I won't mention.
So I made a decision. And I put on a cross necklace to symbolize this decision, but the decision wasn't to become Christian. I just couldn't think of any other way to symbolize it.
I don't know if this is going to last, but I don't think I'll really move forward until I make it last.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Emotions that Eat You Up
I talked to my sister last night. While the conversation wasn't particularly long or in depth it stirred up a bunch of different emotions in me and affected me on a bunch of different levels. There's too much stuff to discuss it all in this entry, so I'm trying to think of what topic I should zero in on.
My sister lets jealousy eat her up. I personally let humiliation eat me up, which then leads to anger eating me up because I fear that people are judging me based on the things I've done that I'm embarrassed about so I make the assumption that that's the reason that they have done certain things, which I don't really know but I naturally assume it's for the reason that makes me most angry. For the most part though I'm actually pretty optimistic. But that's me, back to my sister.
It's funny because I can't really relate to being eaten up by jealousy. One time this guy I liked started dating this girl I didn't like, but it's not like I wanted to trade places with that girl because I wouldn't have wanted to be such a nasty bitch (at this point I laugh to myself). Mostly I'm just jealous of girls that are more attractive than me, which in my opinion is the great majority of girls, but I don't care so much anymore because that's the beauty of getting past adolescence, you start to discover non-appearance related things you like about yourself like mad computer programming skills or the ability to dream up crazy awesome fictional scenarios and believe they're true. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.
Anyway, my sister is jealous of people who have are getting married or who are already married. It's funny, because even though my life is completely devoid of romance (which would be okay if I hadn't found someone actually really desperately wanted to be with), it doesn't even occur to me to be jealous of other people who are married or engaged. If I knew they felt the same way about their partner that I felt about certain people (singular) maybe I would be jealous. But I don't know that. I don't know how they feel. I'm convinced some people get married just for the hell of it. But even if that's not the case and they really are in love and happy out of their minds, than whatever. That's cool for them.
My sister, however, is unhappy and the idea that other people are happy not only makes her jealous, but pisses her off. Because she sees their lives as easy and her life as hard and painful.
I tell her that she doesn't know what kind of issues they personally deal with, which is true but I think there might be some truth to what she thinks. I think the solution to her negative attitude is the same thing that made me stop thinking obsessively about suicide. It comes from reading spiritual books. Basically, life isn't a party. Life isn't about having a good time, it's about spiritual growth and learning lessons. When you endure hardships you grow spiritually. I really do believe this, but even if it's not true it's a good thing to believe because it gets you through the hard times and there might be much better times awaiting you.
There was more on my mind, but that's all I'm saying for now.
My sister lets jealousy eat her up. I personally let humiliation eat me up, which then leads to anger eating me up because I fear that people are judging me based on the things I've done that I'm embarrassed about so I make the assumption that that's the reason that they have done certain things, which I don't really know but I naturally assume it's for the reason that makes me most angry. For the most part though I'm actually pretty optimistic. But that's me, back to my sister.
It's funny because I can't really relate to being eaten up by jealousy. One time this guy I liked started dating this girl I didn't like, but it's not like I wanted to trade places with that girl because I wouldn't have wanted to be such a nasty bitch (at this point I laugh to myself). Mostly I'm just jealous of girls that are more attractive than me, which in my opinion is the great majority of girls, but I don't care so much anymore because that's the beauty of getting past adolescence, you start to discover non-appearance related things you like about yourself like mad computer programming skills or the ability to dream up crazy awesome fictional scenarios and believe they're true. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.
Anyway, my sister is jealous of people who have are getting married or who are already married. It's funny, because even though my life is completely devoid of romance (which would be okay if I hadn't found someone actually really desperately wanted to be with), it doesn't even occur to me to be jealous of other people who are married or engaged. If I knew they felt the same way about their partner that I felt about certain people (singular) maybe I would be jealous. But I don't know that. I don't know how they feel. I'm convinced some people get married just for the hell of it. But even if that's not the case and they really are in love and happy out of their minds, than whatever. That's cool for them.
My sister, however, is unhappy and the idea that other people are happy not only makes her jealous, but pisses her off. Because she sees their lives as easy and her life as hard and painful.
I tell her that she doesn't know what kind of issues they personally deal with, which is true but I think there might be some truth to what she thinks. I think the solution to her negative attitude is the same thing that made me stop thinking obsessively about suicide. It comes from reading spiritual books. Basically, life isn't a party. Life isn't about having a good time, it's about spiritual growth and learning lessons. When you endure hardships you grow spiritually. I really do believe this, but even if it's not true it's a good thing to believe because it gets you through the hard times and there might be much better times awaiting you.
There was more on my mind, but that's all I'm saying for now.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Half-Baked Ideas
I mentioned in my last post that I'm writing another book. I've decided to discuss this topic in more depth.
First off, I anticipate a great amount of success with my first book. I won't go into the reasons right now as to why I think it will be successful but I definitely do. So I'm thinking ahead and I'm thinking I'll push out a second book when the first book is still popular.
This isn't just a money making scheme though, as the second book is important. The first book basically states what happened. The second book discusses why it matters. I can't fit this into the first book because it's already too long, and I might have to trim some stuff from the first book anyway and I don't really want to trim anything.
I have a bunch of half-baked ideas floating around in my head. I'm thinking that when I actually get to putting these ideas down on paper they will be baked fully, and if not the process of putting them down on paper will allow them to mature. These ideas, as is anything that I include in a book that is not yet published, are of course top secret.
But I'll beat around the bush some. So I have this fascination with the religious right. I'm not sure why these people fascinate me so but they do. They have this biblical view of the world. This book I'm writing discusses a bunch of things, but I don't think it will discuss them. However, the existence of these people got me thinking and made me decide to write the book, which will discuss things I learned from being delusional. What I hope is that now I have something I didn't have in the past and that's integrity. I like being vague.
Thinking about it as I'm writing this, I think I might call the book Ceilings. The half-baked idea behind this is that the fact that people only believe in science puts them underneath a ceiling. So the truth is, I'm not criticizing people for having a biblical view of the world. These people don't live underneath a ceiling. However, they have very old-fashioned views of the world. That's the bad thing.
I think I might need to do some research.
First off, I anticipate a great amount of success with my first book. I won't go into the reasons right now as to why I think it will be successful but I definitely do. So I'm thinking ahead and I'm thinking I'll push out a second book when the first book is still popular.
This isn't just a money making scheme though, as the second book is important. The first book basically states what happened. The second book discusses why it matters. I can't fit this into the first book because it's already too long, and I might have to trim some stuff from the first book anyway and I don't really want to trim anything.
I have a bunch of half-baked ideas floating around in my head. I'm thinking that when I actually get to putting these ideas down on paper they will be baked fully, and if not the process of putting them down on paper will allow them to mature. These ideas, as is anything that I include in a book that is not yet published, are of course top secret.
But I'll beat around the bush some. So I have this fascination with the religious right. I'm not sure why these people fascinate me so but they do. They have this biblical view of the world. This book I'm writing discusses a bunch of things, but I don't think it will discuss them. However, the existence of these people got me thinking and made me decide to write the book, which will discuss things I learned from being delusional. What I hope is that now I have something I didn't have in the past and that's integrity. I like being vague.
Thinking about it as I'm writing this, I think I might call the book Ceilings. The half-baked idea behind this is that the fact that people only believe in science puts them underneath a ceiling. So the truth is, I'm not criticizing people for having a biblical view of the world. These people don't live underneath a ceiling. However, they have very old-fashioned views of the world. That's the bad thing.
I think I might need to do some research.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Rick Perry, Gays, and Global Warming
So I've been discovering the wonders of taking Zyprexa as a prn (in case you don't know a prn is a medication you take as needed). Actually, being Zyped isn't that wonderful (I made up the term Zyped), but it's not as bad as I thought it was before. One of the staff here told me that Zyprexa inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, which would mean that it should actually make you feel better. Knowing this makes the experience of being on Zyprexa more pleasant. It feels the same only now it's not bad. Yes, it's all mental. Zyprexa is an antipsychotic that is supposed to decrease psychosis and delusional thinking.
I was on the writer's forum that I go to, and someone posted a link to an article about people who think our acceptance of gays is causing natural disasters (and 9/11). Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if the people we were talking about were just the Westboro Baptist Church. But it's people associated with Rick Perry, one of the Republican forerunners. Which is freaking scary, because he could be our next president. I'm thinking that he could be worse than Bush.
Yeah, so apparently some people on the right have noticed the increase in natural disasters. Instead of the obvious culprit, global warming, they blame the gays. Why are some people so fucking stupid? I mean, I don't want to be a hater, but seriously.
So anyway, I start thinking about this and I go back to thinking about my delusions. These people can't use their own judgment to see that homosexuality is a victimless (non)crime, and therefore really isn't a problem. But since it says something in the bible about homosexuality, they blindly trust what the bible says. My delusions were about religious fundamentalists and global warming. Basically, one of the premises behind my delusions was that religious fundamentalism makes global warming worse, because of stupid god damn values voters, who vote the way they do because of issues like gay marriage. I remember the 2004 election well, and I'm of the opinion that Bush would not have been re-elected if it weren't for values voters and gay marriage. The idea behind my delusions was not that Democrats are right about every issue across the board, but they are right about the most important issue, which is global warming. And while I may have been delusional, I still believe this.
Anyway, I was thinking about some other things too, but I think I'll just leave it there. On a different but related note, I've decided to write another book where I reflect more on my delusions and the experience of being delusional. I feel this may be even more important than my first book, but my first book is necessary back story.
I was on the writer's forum that I go to, and someone posted a link to an article about people who think our acceptance of gays is causing natural disasters (and 9/11). Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if the people we were talking about were just the Westboro Baptist Church. But it's people associated with Rick Perry, one of the Republican forerunners. Which is freaking scary, because he could be our next president. I'm thinking that he could be worse than Bush.
Yeah, so apparently some people on the right have noticed the increase in natural disasters. Instead of the obvious culprit, global warming, they blame the gays. Why are some people so fucking stupid? I mean, I don't want to be a hater, but seriously.
So anyway, I start thinking about this and I go back to thinking about my delusions. These people can't use their own judgment to see that homosexuality is a victimless (non)crime, and therefore really isn't a problem. But since it says something in the bible about homosexuality, they blindly trust what the bible says. My delusions were about religious fundamentalists and global warming. Basically, one of the premises behind my delusions was that religious fundamentalism makes global warming worse, because of stupid god damn values voters, who vote the way they do because of issues like gay marriage. I remember the 2004 election well, and I'm of the opinion that Bush would not have been re-elected if it weren't for values voters and gay marriage. The idea behind my delusions was not that Democrats are right about every issue across the board, but they are right about the most important issue, which is global warming. And while I may have been delusional, I still believe this.
Anyway, I was thinking about some other things too, but I think I'll just leave it there. On a different but related note, I've decided to write another book where I reflect more on my delusions and the experience of being delusional. I feel this may be even more important than my first book, but my first book is necessary back story.
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