So I started thinking yesterday about where my life is going. I was thinking about how I occupy my mind with pointless crap that doesn't matter and doesn't make me happy. Like dinner. Like I think, if we go out to a restaurant tonight, that will make me happy. But it doesn't make me happy. I'm not even satisfied while we are eating the food. And then it's over, and we are home, and we have spent a bunch of money consuming a bunch of calories.
I go to the mall and walk around. Does clothes make people happy? No, clothes don't make you happy. I mean, they could, if you bought a spiffy outfit and it impressed a guy you liked, and he started talking to you and then you started going out and then you got married. But how often does that happen?
I have to breakthrough this monotonous lifestyle and get to the heart of what I would actually find fulfilling.
When I think of things that might be fulfilling, I think of relationships with people, and gaining respect and impressing people with your ability to make massive amounts of money. I think of breaking the routine and doing something to get people to notice you.
So what I feel now is the beginning of a push. I had a push before, back in 2011, to get my book published. That push led me nowhere. So this may be another push, hopefully not leading nowhere. I don't know yet if it's a push but it might be and I hope it is. I like pushes.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Random, Nonsensical
Free will lies deep within the human's core.
With most choices a human soul makes, it weighs immediate gratification versus later gratification.
A human must learn all the consequences of its actions, so it knows the ramifications of its.
A human teaches it's free will, the invisible part of the mind, to be smart. Through making better choices, it reaps a greater reward, and reward comes in the form of pleasure.
The greatest choices involve putting the good of the many over the good of the few.
Of course, people like that do get a reward for putting the good of the many over the good of the few. They get an emotional reward.
People need to learn to choose emotional rewards over other sorts of rewards, the emotional rewards are based on morals, and the morals is what strengthens the universe and makes it good.
As human beings lose their morality, so does the universe. And the universe goes ugly.
That was my random, nonsensical rant for today.
With most choices a human soul makes, it weighs immediate gratification versus later gratification.
A human must learn all the consequences of its actions, so it knows the ramifications of its.
A human teaches it's free will, the invisible part of the mind, to be smart. Through making better choices, it reaps a greater reward, and reward comes in the form of pleasure.
The greatest choices involve putting the good of the many over the good of the few.
Of course, people like that do get a reward for putting the good of the many over the good of the few. They get an emotional reward.
People need to learn to choose emotional rewards over other sorts of rewards, the emotional rewards are based on morals, and the morals is what strengthens the universe and makes it good.
As human beings lose their morality, so does the universe. And the universe goes ugly.
That was my random, nonsensical rant for today.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Stigma
So I hear that mental illness has a stigma. I know this, but I operate like there is no stigma. Which is probably a bad thing.
Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.
I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.
I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.
However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.
Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.
Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.
But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.
Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?
Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.
I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.
I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.
However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.
Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.
Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.
But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.
Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Dead Mother Fucking Serious
So I wanted to talk about ADD meds.
I get annoyed. So, my doctor gives me a prescription for Adderall, instead of Ritalin like I've been taking for the past month. Ritalin and Adderall are very similar only Adderall is more potent. I don't freak out when my mom doesn't fill the prescription right away, I wait a couple days, then I ask her to fill it and she tells me I am being a fucking drug addict.
The truth is the drugs are addictive but they are also helpful. So I talk about them being addictive, because it's kind of ridiculous that a drug with this much addiction potential is handed out to children. When I was a kid, I was forced to take these drugs. I didn't want to. I complained but my parents insisted. Oh, so now I'm a drug addict? Because you forced me to take a highly addictive drug, and I got addicted to it. I don't think that's all my fault. If it weren't for Adderall, I would have never tried other drugs. Adderall was a gateway drug.
But it helps me. Because it gives me the power and energy to work on stuff. Without it I might as well be dead. So I am sick of my mom telling me I'm a drug addict. Like, that's going to make me say, "Oh no! Maybe I should stop doing drugs!" Who the fuck cares what kind of drugs you are dependent on as long as it doesn't cause you problems. Like, I am also dependent on bipolar meds. What I am trying to say is, I don't take it as an insult that you call me a drug addict. I just don't like your yelling and screaming and acting all pissed off, because I don't like it when people are this way about anything.
It's like, you knew when the doctor prescribed them to me and I was a little kid there was a potential for addiction. But you thought, oh, that would never happen to us. You probably thought that wouldn't happen.
Really though, in all honesty, it's much better to have me on these drugs than off these drugs. Because I have learned that when I am on them, I will make use of the increased energy and concentration they give me and put it toward productive projects. Without these drugs, I will probably look for a different way to alter my conscious state, like I did all last summer. Which will get me no where. You don't understand how I am. I get restless. I get bored. I get unhappy with my conscious state. And I can't work when I am just normal, off drugs. Adderall makes me direct that energy toward something productive. Otherwise I am more likely to run off and smoke pot and drink. I feel like some people might say this is a weak argument, but in my case, I am dead mother fucking serious.
I get annoyed. So, my doctor gives me a prescription for Adderall, instead of Ritalin like I've been taking for the past month. Ritalin and Adderall are very similar only Adderall is more potent. I don't freak out when my mom doesn't fill the prescription right away, I wait a couple days, then I ask her to fill it and she tells me I am being a fucking drug addict.
The truth is the drugs are addictive but they are also helpful. So I talk about them being addictive, because it's kind of ridiculous that a drug with this much addiction potential is handed out to children. When I was a kid, I was forced to take these drugs. I didn't want to. I complained but my parents insisted. Oh, so now I'm a drug addict? Because you forced me to take a highly addictive drug, and I got addicted to it. I don't think that's all my fault. If it weren't for Adderall, I would have never tried other drugs. Adderall was a gateway drug.
But it helps me. Because it gives me the power and energy to work on stuff. Without it I might as well be dead. So I am sick of my mom telling me I'm a drug addict. Like, that's going to make me say, "Oh no! Maybe I should stop doing drugs!" Who the fuck cares what kind of drugs you are dependent on as long as it doesn't cause you problems. Like, I am also dependent on bipolar meds. What I am trying to say is, I don't take it as an insult that you call me a drug addict. I just don't like your yelling and screaming and acting all pissed off, because I don't like it when people are this way about anything.
It's like, you knew when the doctor prescribed them to me and I was a little kid there was a potential for addiction. But you thought, oh, that would never happen to us. You probably thought that wouldn't happen.
Really though, in all honesty, it's much better to have me on these drugs than off these drugs. Because I have learned that when I am on them, I will make use of the increased energy and concentration they give me and put it toward productive projects. Without these drugs, I will probably look for a different way to alter my conscious state, like I did all last summer. Which will get me no where. You don't understand how I am. I get restless. I get bored. I get unhappy with my conscious state. And I can't work when I am just normal, off drugs. Adderall makes me direct that energy toward something productive. Otherwise I am more likely to run off and smoke pot and drink. I feel like some people might say this is a weak argument, but in my case, I am dead mother fucking serious.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Zombie Fog
So, why is it that I am tempted to do things like drink and do drugs in social situations? The answer is... to combat Zombie Fog.
I can't drink anymore. Alcohol tears holes in the aura, and you start leaking energy. Which is why the tai chi hasn't been working as fabulously as it should have been. I am now feeling a shift in my energy. I need to give my aura time to recover.
But, Zombie Fog. Zombie Fog is a type of brain fog that prevents me from being social. When I am experiencing Zombie Fog, and I am in a social situation, I feel like just staring blankly off into space and not participating in the conversation. Except, I really want to, but my brain isn't working. I can't think of something appropriate to say.
I drink an drink and it goes away. No more zombie fog. I can talk to people. But it is a double-edged sword, because now there isn't a filter over what I say and I might say something inappropriate. But it is so much fucking better than Zombie Fog. I fucking hate Zombie Fog.
It is difficult to overcome Zombie Fog without the aid of drugs. When I am with people I feel comfortable talking to, there is no Zombie Fog. Like, I can talk to my sister, and there is not even the slightest trace of Zombie Fog. I mean, I might space out sometimes, but it is not like Zombie Fog, where part of my brain is screaming at me, "Rachel! Be social!!" and the other part is like.. "Grog grog grog grog.... I am turning off." So I hate this fucking Zombie Fog. I wish there was some pill you could take to get rid of Zombie Fog. Actually, I am sure there are all sorts of pills you could take that would lessen the effects of Zombie Fog.
I can't drink anymore. Alcohol tears holes in the aura, and you start leaking energy. Which is why the tai chi hasn't been working as fabulously as it should have been. I am now feeling a shift in my energy. I need to give my aura time to recover.
But, Zombie Fog. Zombie Fog is a type of brain fog that prevents me from being social. When I am experiencing Zombie Fog, and I am in a social situation, I feel like just staring blankly off into space and not participating in the conversation. Except, I really want to, but my brain isn't working. I can't think of something appropriate to say.
I drink an drink and it goes away. No more zombie fog. I can talk to people. But it is a double-edged sword, because now there isn't a filter over what I say and I might say something inappropriate. But it is so much fucking better than Zombie Fog. I fucking hate Zombie Fog.
It is difficult to overcome Zombie Fog without the aid of drugs. When I am with people I feel comfortable talking to, there is no Zombie Fog. Like, I can talk to my sister, and there is not even the slightest trace of Zombie Fog. I mean, I might space out sometimes, but it is not like Zombie Fog, where part of my brain is screaming at me, "Rachel! Be social!!" and the other part is like.. "Grog grog grog grog.... I am turning off." So I hate this fucking Zombie Fog. I wish there was some pill you could take to get rid of Zombie Fog. Actually, I am sure there are all sorts of pills you could take that would lessen the effects of Zombie Fog.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Super Special Fun Weeks
So I am sitting here at this restaurant called Cafe Yumm!, and I am mad because I got this bowl of rice and stuff, and I got the medium one because the small looked way too small, and it was good. But after I am finished eating, I look up the calories and the bowl had like 800 calories. Which pisses me off because that is way too many calories to consume at one sitting.
I am thinking about what it's like to be delusional. There are times where you go off and have a week or so of mysterious magical fun while strange delusional things happen. It's actually really fun. But I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. It's not going to happen again. At least, not anytime soon.
When this happens, I listen to one song on repeat the entire time. When I come back down, and listen to that song again, it reminds me of that time and brings back super positive feelings.
That's how I know a period of my life was good. If I listen to a song that reminds me of a time period of my life, and it makes me feel good, I was having a good time. Sometimes, even though I liked the song, it will bring back bad feelings. This is true of songs that remind me of time I spent at IT, when I was dealing with their bullshit.
The most recent song that defined a delusional experience is "Annie You Save Me" by Graffiti6. Other songs include Porcupine Tree "Fear of a Blank Planet," Katy Perry "Wide Awake," Oingo Boingo "Sweat," The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony." My first ever delusional fun week happened before I had an iPod. The song that I hear that reminds me of that time is "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Just thinking about the way that song sounds reminds me of when I first became delusional and the stuff I was thinking about.
My dad got mad at me one time because I was delusional and I was listening to the same song over and over again. Actually, I wasn't really delusional, I was just having one of my fun weeks, back in January. I tried to explain to him that when you are in this state, you experience music differently. Music is way more intense, and you feel the vibration of the song, and you get addicted to that particular vibration, and you want to hear it nonstop. Your special song of the experience doesn't get old when you are like that.
I've been delusional before and not had a super special fun week. Super special fun weeks are the shit. I don't do anything else when I am like that, I can't work or do any unrelated things.
But if I want to make things happen in my life, I can't be delusional anymore. I can't do that shit anymore. When I became delusional back in November/December of last year, I wasn't doing anything strange chemically. I don't know why that happened. Just random, I guess.
I am thinking about what it's like to be delusional. There are times where you go off and have a week or so of mysterious magical fun while strange delusional things happen. It's actually really fun. But I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. It's not going to happen again. At least, not anytime soon.
When this happens, I listen to one song on repeat the entire time. When I come back down, and listen to that song again, it reminds me of that time and brings back super positive feelings.
That's how I know a period of my life was good. If I listen to a song that reminds me of a time period of my life, and it makes me feel good, I was having a good time. Sometimes, even though I liked the song, it will bring back bad feelings. This is true of songs that remind me of time I spent at IT, when I was dealing with their bullshit.
The most recent song that defined a delusional experience is "Annie You Save Me" by Graffiti6. Other songs include Porcupine Tree "Fear of a Blank Planet," Katy Perry "Wide Awake," Oingo Boingo "Sweat," The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony." My first ever delusional fun week happened before I had an iPod. The song that I hear that reminds me of that time is "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Just thinking about the way that song sounds reminds me of when I first became delusional and the stuff I was thinking about.
My dad got mad at me one time because I was delusional and I was listening to the same song over and over again. Actually, I wasn't really delusional, I was just having one of my fun weeks, back in January. I tried to explain to him that when you are in this state, you experience music differently. Music is way more intense, and you feel the vibration of the song, and you get addicted to that particular vibration, and you want to hear it nonstop. Your special song of the experience doesn't get old when you are like that.
I've been delusional before and not had a super special fun week. Super special fun weeks are the shit. I don't do anything else when I am like that, I can't work or do any unrelated things.
But if I want to make things happen in my life, I can't be delusional anymore. I can't do that shit anymore. When I became delusional back in November/December of last year, I wasn't doing anything strange chemically. I don't know why that happened. Just random, I guess.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Nonsensical Instructions From God
So, I am starting to feel like my whole belief in hell was a delusion.
My idea of hell was based on the idea that there are some inalienable rules of the universe even God couldn't get around. This is something I would wonder about sometime. So, if you are standing on someone's rightside, and you are facing the same direction, is it possible that in some universe they would be standing on your right side also? In this universe it is your left. But maybe in some universe, you could be to there right, and they could be to your right, and you are facing the same direction.
My answer to this question was no. Because God doesn't make logic rules. GOD DOESN'T MAKE LOGIC RULES. And the idea was, in the mind of God, hell is a logic rule. That through choosing God, through being saved, you return to God upon death.
I am having problems with this though. This is just something that I made up. Like my mom commented on, I added to Christian theology in order for it to make sense. Because I couldn't believe in a loving God who willingly sends people to hell for not being saved. I can't believe in something like that because it makes no sense. The only way it makes sense to me is if being saved is some random strange requirement God has for you that doesn't make sense but you just do anyway, because it makes sense to God.
So I have spent time reading the bible, but I haven't gotten all the way through it. I don't believe Jesus ever mentioned hell. I talked to my naturopath, and he told me someone was trying to save him and gave him a bible and it didn't say anything about hell.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, if God wanted us to do something that made no sense, like believing a crazy story despite lack of proof, He should have explained to us that this isn't supposed to make any sense but we will be sorry if we don't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't think my view of hell is biblically supported. In order to understand this nonsensical concept called hell, I just made a bunch of stuff up. Why should I believe a bunch of crap that I just made up, and use it as an excuse to become religious?
It's sad because I kind of liked being religious. But the thing is, religious beliefs and delusions are too fucking similar.
My idea of hell was based on the idea that there are some inalienable rules of the universe even God couldn't get around. This is something I would wonder about sometime. So, if you are standing on someone's rightside, and you are facing the same direction, is it possible that in some universe they would be standing on your right side also? In this universe it is your left. But maybe in some universe, you could be to there right, and they could be to your right, and you are facing the same direction.
My answer to this question was no. Because God doesn't make logic rules. GOD DOESN'T MAKE LOGIC RULES. And the idea was, in the mind of God, hell is a logic rule. That through choosing God, through being saved, you return to God upon death.
I am having problems with this though. This is just something that I made up. Like my mom commented on, I added to Christian theology in order for it to make sense. Because I couldn't believe in a loving God who willingly sends people to hell for not being saved. I can't believe in something like that because it makes no sense. The only way it makes sense to me is if being saved is some random strange requirement God has for you that doesn't make sense but you just do anyway, because it makes sense to God.
So I have spent time reading the bible, but I haven't gotten all the way through it. I don't believe Jesus ever mentioned hell. I talked to my naturopath, and he told me someone was trying to save him and gave him a bible and it didn't say anything about hell.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, if God wanted us to do something that made no sense, like believing a crazy story despite lack of proof, He should have explained to us that this isn't supposed to make any sense but we will be sorry if we don't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't think my view of hell is biblically supported. In order to understand this nonsensical concept called hell, I just made a bunch of stuff up. Why should I believe a bunch of crap that I just made up, and use it as an excuse to become religious?
It's sad because I kind of liked being religious. But the thing is, religious beliefs and delusions are too fucking similar.
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