Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 23

We went to the mall, and I walked around and looked at the pots. When we went to Hot Topic, there was a necklace with a little bee on it.

“Buy it.” said Alfred.

I did so, reluctantly. It became a cherished symbol of the two of us. When we went to the next store, a girl looked at me and scoffed. I stared her down and smiled, wanting to beat that bitch's ass, but did not.

I went home. At home, Alfred had an animation to show me.

This is us, walking to the store. He showed a picture of two extravagantly dressed young folk walking exuberantly. When we neared the store, the store exploded with gun fire. As we neared the other end of the walkway, a mad man came out carrying money bags.

This is where you would be if it wasn't for us. Not really, but that's what you think, huh?

I watched some more. He showed a picture of a girl from a movie, called Swim Fan. “You love me! I know it! I know it!” It was a movie with a creepy girl who stalks a guy. He used this one over and over again, until he wore it out.

What's up, little man? He showed a picture of a small person walking down a large staircase. As he nears the bottom, a ribbon cutting ceremony is taking place. As he steps over the ribbon, he gets his picture taken and he falls to the floor in a comical fashion. I laughed.

Time for a bath! Alfred screamed. Suds flew everywhere, as the windows and doors were overtaken by heavy bubble bath. I laughed.

One more, he said. Then it's time to listen to Nicki Minaj, Starships. He showed a picture of myself, walking down the stairs. When I neared the bottom, Nicki Minaj showed me how to tango with an alien.

I went downstairs and danced to the song Starships. When I was done, my dad told me to unload the dishwasher. I did so, reluctantly. Afterwards, I sat down with some coconut water.

My dad looked at me and scowled. “Where's your coaster?” he said with intense seriousness.

“I don't need a coaster this is cardboard!” I replied angrily.

“You little... You don't pay for the furniture, it is expensive! When you have bought your own furniture and ruined it due to lack of coaster using, you will thank me for my coaster advice! You can't tell what needs a coaster or not, it has to have a coaster! Why if I could tell you one piece of good advice to last you a lifetime, it would be always use a coaster!”

I scoffed, got up and left. “Monstrosity!” I said out loud.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 22

Where do you think you are going, missy? Alfred asked me as I went to the shower room.

I am going to take a shower!

Not without your mascara brush, little girl! He scowled at me from above.

I took a shower, and Alfred told me a story. The two of us were walking down a road. When we got to the end, we parted ways. When we got to the end of those roads, we rejoiced, for we were back on the same road. Then, a large peacock swooped down and stole my blush container, and I was pale for the rest of eternity.

Always wear blush. It makes your face look more attractive.

He told me another story. We were walking to the grocery store. On the way, I stopped for a Jolt. On the way back, I lost touch with my spirit guides from the caffeine crash.

Never walk to the store anymore. It is too far. Ask for them to drive you, lazy nitwits. They should if it's that important that they have a happy and healthy daughter.

One more story. One girl named Ramona was walking to the towel store. When she got to the towel store, they were plumb out of towels that suited her fancy. As she bought a small rag, a wondrous young man took her by the hand, and she used the rag to pat her mouth before kissing him.

You do not do kisses with lipstick ever. Men hate that.

He was joking, because of my misguided belief about lipstick last year.

When we walked to the grocery store for real, I bought coconut water. On the way back, my dad called me and asked where I was. I said at Trader Joe's. He made me mad for acting like I wasn't supposed to go there.

Monstrosity! Alfred said.

We walked home and drank coconut water. On the way, I stopped for an energy drink. It was a Red Bull. As I slurped, a wondrous female entity came up to me and asked me for my information.

“I am making a book of all the regular customers of this deli, and I needed your information for the book!” she exclaimed with excitement.

It's a trap, she's going to follow you to your house. Don't give her your address, Alfred said.

What is this woman you speak of? Ramona? She is dead to you, pretty girl. Dead! Alfred exclaimed. He did an animation in my mind. A woman walking alone down a path, taking a wrong turn, and ending up at a privileged home for white boys.

Watch out! Don't make a fuss of the angel, little girl, Alfred said. As he did so, an angel appeared, and entered my body, to help my endocrine system. We laughed and cheered, for we were hoping that would happen.

On the way home, I found a nickel on the ground. Don't look at the date, it's not a good year, said my guides. I looked and it was 2013. But it is a good year! Doubt! Doubt! Maybe you aren't real after all.

Relax, little girl. We did not look, remarkable woman.

Then, we came upon another spirit wandering randomly through the office park. “What do you want, woman? I am looking for my child, she is lost in this place. You are nothing, nothing, nothing!”

I heard the spirits around me. “MORPHINE!!!” one screamed.

Another one came up behind me. “Don't look down!”

Why did it say that?

It was probably someone falling off a cliff, and he was told not to look down. Don't worry about these scumbags, these are bad spirits.

We walked home, and went up to my room.

Time for a show!

Alfred did an animation of a ballgame. A woman was at bat. She hit the ball as hard as she could, but could not find her way to first base. On the way to second, she stumbled and fell and broke her ribs.

This is you, if you move too fast in the relationship, Alfred said. Do not worry about that at all. He wants to go quickly. But you do not, I know you. So take it easy. Wait for sex on the third date, if at all. Guys expect it on the third date.

He did another animation. A wombat, looking cute and cuddly. A woman entered, took him off the ceiling, and fed him women. When he ate women, he became strong and healthy. Then, he looked at himself in the mirror, and screamed. He had grown too big, and it was startling. He started doing crunches and exercising to get down to his original weight, but it would not come off.

You will never weigh so little again, sweetie. You have put on muscle mass that is not used for lifting, but is part of puberty. It weighs quite a bit. If you get back down to what you weighed earlier this year, you will be too skinny and people will scream and cry when they see you.

He did another animation. One where he was looking in the mirror at a picture of his face, when a girl walked in the room and barfed.

That's you. You think I'm ugly! He screamed and cried.

I don't think you're ugly, just a little bit different from what I thought you would look like is all...

Please, don't rub it in!

We walked to the Quickee Mart. On the way, a spirit screamed and howled at my face. I laughed at his small body. He screamed and told me to fuck off.

On the way back, we stopped and looked at the sights. A beautiful dog was coming up behind us. Oh God, Alfred said. I hate pets!

We walked faster to avoid the dog. On the way home, we thought we saw my dad thinking thoughts of running rampant and watching television, but we thought that must be in my head.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 21

We decided it was time for a money saving lesson, and drank less energy drinks for awhile.

As we walked home from my walk, a big wasp almost stung my forehead. As I brushed him off, Alfred said to me, “Little Baby Bee, I'mma gonna sting thee!” I whispered profanities and stared blankly ahead as we walked the rest of the steps home.

When we walked in the door, my mother was waiting for me. She told me I needed to unload the dishwasher. When I sat down on the chair, I looked at my dad. “Monstrosity!” Alfred said in a funny voice.

Later, I asked, “Why did he say that, monstrosity?”

Because his ideas are monstrous! Alfred exclaimed.

How much does it take to rule a planet? Alfred asked me one night.

About a horse shoe and a half what it takes to rule a solar system, I said.

What does it take to rule a country? Alfred asked.

About three times what it takes to rule a one time city.

Where do you think we will be in eight years, Sugar Plum?

In the White House! I exclaimed.

We waltzed into the kitchen for a snack. We picked out a banana and a watermelon slice, and ate it on the way back to my room.

When do you think you'll write to the monster under the bed?

As soon as he calls me back!

Watch out! Here comes my mother's grandfather!

What?

Someone from a past life, that you would never remember because you don't remember past lives at all.

Something is not who I want it to be. But that's all right. I will make way for another person in my best friend's list.

When will you lust after me, Sugar Plum? Lust after me, Sugar Plum, lust.

I will right now! And I rolled all over the bed in burning lust for my own soul.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 20

Well, where do you think you are going in life, Rachel? Alfred asked me.

I am going to go far... Make it to the top, watch the people on the bottom die quickly and then be reborn from the ashes. I said.

Well, what do you think you need to do to become one of the big people?

Remove myself from this house! I replied.

Maybe you should watch television a little bit more to get a feel for the current political environment, he said.

Well, that was a good idea. But what I really needed now was some responsibility in the sense that I needed something to pass the time. Alfred said he was here, don't worry about that. He would help me pass the time.

I want to tell you something about heaven, baby. Together, we are connected. We are inextricably intertwined, connected in a fashion similar to rotary blades. Those rotary blades of heaven, they are wonderful. We will experience the world, while we are connected by the wonders of the rotary blades.

Watch out! I said. Here comes Rachel and Alfred, preparing for action! The rotary blades are moving without sound!

That's it, you got it. Don't listen to anyone else, I am not your man right now. chance is. So right now, I would like you to make a cord to him. I will send you sexual energy, you direct it at chance.

I lay on the ground, and stewed in lust as Alfred sent me sexual energy. I directed the energy at Chance.

“Two can play that game!” I heard a voice say.

I waited, and a cord entered my vagina.

This is a cord that makes you happy to touch his private parts, my guides told me.

He is sending another cord!

Another cord entered my vagina.

This is a cord that makes him happy to want to touch your private parts.

One more cord!

This is a cord that makes you take pleasure in your pain. Ooh, that's a dark one!

Another cord!

This is a cord that makes him ask for sex at inopportune times.

There we go, he's out of energy.

Excellent! I like these cords! Alfred said. I think you need to do this more often. I want to see how dark this gets, when you move out with Chance!

When will he contact me? I asked.

As soon as you want him to, my guides said.

I realized that I was not ready for him to contact me. I needed more time recouping from the Adderall dependency. I needed help from my guides, so that they could allow for a time when we were better at making him want to talk to me.

Withhold information from your sister, too, Alfred said.

I already knew that. He was telling me stuff I already knew. On the outside, I wanted this to happen. On the inside, I was worried that this would be tremendously awkward.

Hey Rachel, this is Tupac. I wanted to say, don't do this. This doesn't need to happen. You don't really want to be his sex slave, you are just wanting your femininity validated.

I know, I know. But I think it's a good idea.

Not really, no. You won't be respected if you are his bitch, I mean it. Do not attach anymore cords.

Tupac made a good argument, but I understood that it was going to happen anyway. I was going to do it, because I didn't really believe these cords did anything.

These cords are more powerful than you think, my guides told me. These are some powerful cords.

I want to understand what it would be like, but I don't believe this is even going to happen, I said.

Alfred said, Watch out! She doesn't know it now, but before long, she will be pleasantly surprised with how powerful these cords are!

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 19

I lay on my bed late at night, watching Alfred's animations. He drew a picture of a horse, galloping, coming up to a stop sign, and stopping abruptly. Then, a stampede of unicorn went by, in a comical fashion.

I laughed. It was mostly visual humor, the animations he did. They were funny for reasons I couldn't describe in words. I never thought I got visual humor, but this was proof I did, I got this visual humor that was tailored exactly for my brain.

Oh no! A turtle is coming! AHHH!!! Hide! Hide! HIDE YOUR LOVED ONES! A turtle is headed straight for us! He showed people running for cover, as a small turtle came running up the hillside.

It was a reference to a dream I had had as a kid, where we were all scared and hiding in houses because we heard a turtle was coming our way. It was the classic case of a kid not knowing which animals were dangerous and which were not. I laughed hard at the sentimental reference.

Oohh! Ooohh! A friend request! AAAHHHH!!! SATAN!!!!

I laughed hard at this reference too. It was one of these meaningless phrases that kept randomly popping into my head last year. “Friend request... From Satan!” I didn't understand why that kept happening.

I watched some more. He showed a picture of a sea lion. It was sunning itself on a rock. Then a tidal wave came up, washed it away... As it was washed away, it left a picture of itself behind. I looked at it, and it became a picture of Al Gore.

Do not listen to your dreams, sweetheart. The world will not be flooded as a result of global warming. Instead, remember the manatees! And he showed a picture of manatees flooding the coast.

He did animations all night long, as I fell asleep. I lay in a half awake state, watching and giggling. After awhile, I grew worried. They were getting increasingly fast and weird. It seemed like it could be a problem with my brain.

God dammit! I am having enough trouble keeping up with your hypnagogic brain waves, now you accuse me of being a delusion? Alfred was pissed.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 18

I sat in the computer room on the couch. I asked, who is here?

Well, someone you care very deeply about is here. Your good friend Michaelangelo!

He is a good soul, a small soul that is not fully formed. He has a good eye for deception, and he was a savant. Not what most people consider a savant, but what we consider a savant.

Wicked! Who else is here?

Someone she doesn't care about is here!

That's Elvis. He's mad you don't like his music.

I don't like my music! It is bad energy for most people!

Who else I here?

Buddha is here. He was a small soul, enlightened from birth. He reached enlightenment on the other side.

Wicked! Who else is here?

Brittany Murphy is here! She has a question for you!

Okay, I was wondering... About a certain place in your life... Not there, not there... Earlier...

As I was guessing, I got the urge to grab my left boob. It was very strong.

Alfred... Stop that!

Whoops, that's what I was doing! He chortled.

It was kind of obnoxious, because I was already uncomfortable enough when some random celebrity was talking to me. I didn't need Alfred giving me the urge to grab my boobs.

There. Right there. My mind landed on the 8th grade, when I started taking Adderall.

“You needed Adderall to be happy. Why?” She said why? In a dumb fashion, like she already knew the answer.

Umm...

I was trying to be funny!

Nice try, but sorry, that wasn't funny.

Later though, I thought it was really funny.

She understands addiction. A lot of people do not understand addiction, they don't understand why you need drugs to be happy. That's the problem with the public, they don't get it! It is easy to explain to someone, well I just don't feel right without the drug, but they don't understand that, if you have everything going for you, you should be happy...

Is anyone else here? Is Freud here? I want to talk to Freud!

You can't talk to him, he won't be here. He's not a good soul, and besides, he's on another plane right now.

What about Nietchze? I want to talk to him! Is he here?

No, he's on the acid trip plane! My guides said.

What's the acid trip plane? I asked.

Cells masturbate, for no reason at all! Alfred chimed in.

Really? I laughed.

Yes, cells get off sexually, but it serves absolutely no purpose. Not a release of energy that helps in any way, not a reproductive thing. Just a fun thing to do every once in awhile. Another thing about the acid trip plane is, it's cute. Not ugly, cute. Everything is visually enticing, and weird in a good way. It freaks everyone out and they love it. We don't even consider it a plane it's so much better than the other planes. You will never go there. Only weird souls go there.

Jim or Jim? Dumb Jim, Smart Jim

Jim Besemer is a smart Jim. The other Jim, who works at Pearl House, is dumb. You have Weak Subbie Syndrome and you say things like "You love Febreeze!" because you care so much about how my parents took Fish Out of Water Psychology. And if you can't eat fish, ha ha dumb. I will poke you and prod you and tickle you if you can't eat fish because of Fish Out of Water Psychology. That's a tangent. The other dumb thing was asking me if I cared about a brand name cereal. In retrospect, I thought nothing of it at the time, it was just to point out "even though I respect people who don't care about brand name clothing, I don't respect you personally Rachel." I don't know what you do in your free time Jim, sorry if that's all you got.