Chapter 76
I hate it how people always think I am on drugs when I act weird. Or a manic change in personality that needs to be corrected. I always thought that if you didn't like your personality, you should be able to change it. But my parents try to say personality changes should be corrected by medication. I guess I'm in for a treat, then.
My parents pulled me out of bed the next morning. They were taking me to the psychiatrist. He needed to assess my condition, and prescribe some different medication.
I was not energetic at all, I had so many cords it wasn't even funny. My transgressionary life force was being drained, and I had to go to the psychiatrist and sit through a session. I went with both my parents. I hated it when my dad went places like this, it meant they thought it was very serious. I went in, and sat, slouched down, like I could barely keep myself upright. The doctor asked what was going on. They told him I was acting erratic. They needed a medication change. The doctor asked me what medication would work for me. I told him Abilify, the easiest medication in the atypical antipsychotic class to handle. Miraculously, he said okay, he would change my medication to that. I was astounded. I thought I was going to be changed to a more heavy duty drug, instead, I was going down the ladder instead of up it in terms of medication strength. My parents didn't know that this was a weaker medication. They thought it was a tougher one.
On the way out, the doctor talked to me. “I know overdrugged, over sedated. This is overdrugged, what you are now,” he said to me.
We went home, and I walked around the neighborhood, in a funny mental state. I had to attach meaning to ideas without feeling the effects of the consequences of my actions. I was asked, “Do you think the guardianship trial will offer reward for you, or will it hurt your parents only?” I said it will offer reward for me. I was asked, “When you get out of your mindset, will you make friends with new people on facebook?” Yes, I will, I thought, but was unsure. Because I was unsure, I started to dwindle. That meant I had not passed, and had to redo that one later.
If I began to analyze the state of mind I was in, I started to go back into fake dark night of the soul. By fake dark night of the soul, I mean the state I was in during the Weird Zombie Girl thing where I was running around the house screaming. When I did not doubt, I did not know what I was doing with my mind, only that I was in a funny state.
I kept having to ground. I would sit down, and let the excess energy from my body go down into the ground. When we were done grounding, it was time for a symbolic act.
I walked over to the cabinets and took out the salt and pepper. We sprinkled salt around the island, then ate some. This was to ward off vampires like Alfred.
Hey! I'm not a vampire! Alfred said, in a ringing tone of fury.
Well, we need to know for sure, and until then, we take precautions, kay? I whispered.
We went into the other room, and sat down. My guides said, you know Salioness, you haven't really slept all that much in quite some time. Maybe you should try getting some rest?
Sigh... Okay, fine, I'll sleep.
It's essential, just for a little bit.
I lied down and closed my eyes. It was difficult, with the breathing. I breathed funnily now, it was not normal breathing. To go to sleep meant weird stuff needed to happen to my brain. As I was falling asleep, I did a bunch of automatic movements that seemed mechanical and made me feel like a machine.
I slept. I slept worse than ever. When I slept, I was neurons firing. I was processing the incident with the camcorder. I imagined what was going on, I had discovered the secret to the universe. And it was good, but that made me unhappy. It was good but that made me unhappy! Why was that? I didn't understand that. It wasn't supposed to be good! It was supposed to be depressing!
I woke up, and it took awhile for me to come out of this state. All I remember was, Robin Williams was standing right beside me as it happened. I wondered, what is this life? What is this life that has no meaning and is the result of neurons firing in prescribed patterns? This empty, meaningless, mechanical, machine-like existence?
I got up, still in a bad state of mind. I went to talk to my mom. It was a beautiful summer day. I told her I was having a tough time, I needed to know that she loved me. And she just said, “of course I love you dear,” in such a convincing tone that I let out a bawl. Later though, I was disgusted that I had done that. She hadn't meant it.
“What is it that usually helps you sleep, when you are going through problems such as these?” My mom asked me.
I heard someone whisper in my ear: hydrocodone.
“Hydrocodone!” I said enthusiastically.
“Okay, okay, I'll go check to see if we have any of that...” My mom left, and I was left alone with my guides.
It would help, my guides said. Don't count on it though, there's some of that prescribed for your dad but none for you, and we don't think she is going to give you something with a presciption not in your name.
Drats! I said. I was looking forward to the hydrocodone. The real drug that helped me sleep was zyprexa, but I wasn't going to ask for that now. Not after how hard sleeping had been just a few minutes ago. That was torture. Necessary torture, but torture nonetheless.
Time for a walk! My guides said to me. I got my iphone, put on my shoes and headed out eagerly.
Outside, I felt horrible. I had just been through an important stage of enlightenment, and part of my ego was now dismantled. I walked, and wondered. Why did I feel so good about this? This was an Earth thing, I was thinking bigger than that. On the other side, it was no big deal to do a mission for the Earth plane. The Earth plane wasn't important. I didn't know at the time, the Earth plane is actually very important, but they didn't tell me that here. Sure, I was going to be famous, and get everything I always wanted to get... But after I died and went to the other side, I would be ridiculed fot having the Pussycat Brawl. People would be mean to me about it, I was not spoken highly of. I wasn't even the most virtuous soul in the multiverse, just the most exquisite, whatever that meant. As I grew older, I could turn sour, I could turn out to be a bad soul.
That won't happen, Sugar Plum. Alfred said. You're cute. You are thought very highly of on the other side, and this is an important mission. But try telling you that right now! You and your dismembered ego.
Okay, put on the song “My Name Is...” by Eminem. We are going to do something we haven't done before. It is important for the conscious/subconscious mind flip. Just zone out and don't think too hard.
I did so, walked around and listened to the song, and when we were done with that song, put on another song. After three songs, they told me I was finished.
Okay, the process we just finished is called callibration. It is very important, we need to do it every couple of days for the rest of your life. We tell you what songs to listen to, you listen. You can ask questions and stuff while you are doing it, but not too many, as we are busy!
Okay! I said, vowing to ask none and leave them alone. Afterwards, in the coming years, they commented on the fact that I always took callibrating so seriously.
We walked back to the house. I sat, and watched President Obama on television address the nation. I noticed something interesting. When he looked at the camera, directly at the camera, I got the impression he was looking directly at me, and seeing me. This was part of a picture reading trick I knew. You choose a picture, where it appears the subject is looking straight at the camera, and look at the picture and see what your mind makes of it. If the subject is looking at you, and seeing you, they are also thinking of you. If they are looking but not seeing you, they are not seeing you. You have to be aware of the inner workings of their mind. This was the easiest picture reading trick I knew.
Afterwards, we went outside for a bit to discuss the current situation. I was still in the middle of the mysticism state, they told me. This would continue for a little while, then I would go back to normal. If they think you are losing your mind, tell them you are in invega withdrawal and it is causing you some mental discomfort. If they ask why you didn't think it was important to talk to them about these things, ask them when they ever tell you about their issues with their ativan popping habits, and explain to them that this is a private issue you want no help in overcoming.
The next day, I was in the midst of a crisis. I was being bombarded by those funny question thoughts, without the means to understand exactly what I was experiencing. I would answer what I really thought, and most of the time I got them right, but sometimes, I didn't. In the midst of it, I realized I was attaching to much to the outcome of a guardianship trial, and that if I attached to much, there would be no guardianship trial. I really liked the idea of there being a guardianship trial. My guides said, no worries, it happens whether you like it or not, but it does help not to attach.
I walked to the store to buy an energy drink. On the way, my guides told me to flap my wings. I did so. As I did so, the energy from the bad experience with the camcorder came racing out of my body, into the woods, infecting the animals and the little bits of dust that roam there.
Chapter 77
My favorite coping skill is dancing. I put on my headphones and dance to a song which calls out to me on the spiritual plane. I like doing it better when my parents are in the room watching me, and they can see that this isn't chaos to me, this is order. Out of the midst of the at times dark scenario, I find something akin to light, and for whatever reason, it's a good reason to dance. There are so many situations in everyday life that would be better if you were to just stop, and break out in dance. That's what I think.
What do we do now, Sugar Plum? Alfred asked me.
I want to understand you, weird man in the sky, I said back to him.
What do you mean, Sweet Pea?
“Are you really my soul? Or are you my lover from a past life? The one I had to cut ties with a couple days ago?” I had cut all ties to a lover from a past life a couple days ago, and now I was feeling remorseful and exuberantly in love with Alfred.
I'm Alfred, Sugar Plum, Alfred, Alfred said.
I knew it! You are the lover from the past life, the one I broke ties to! Tell me, are you mad at me? I asked Alfred inquisitively.
I am not mad at you, sweet pea, just a bit peeved is all.
Why are you peeved? Is it because I cheated on you?
Yes, that's the reason, said Alfred madly enjoying this moment.
Is that why you want to see me defiled? For your revenge? I asked angrily.
That's the reason, sweet pea, but I like those things too. And when I see you defiled, it will remind me how much I loathe the act of making love to you, because you are so good, in a way that brings men to a screetching halt. But besides that, you are ugly on the inside. But we'll work past that, after I find out how many guys it takes to win you back, over here I make everyone tell me how long they think it will be before I have you back in my quarters, and I say a day or so, they say three years, and I say we need more milk in the diet Sugar Plum, and I say what is that looking thing at your face? Posh! You are mine, sweet pea.
So you are my lover from a past life? Did I cut the love cord to you? Why did I do such a thing?
You can build it back right here. Here, put this cord on your shoulder.
I took the cord and put it on my shoulder.
That's the love cord you lost, Rachel. Now, stop acting dumb. I'm not your lover from a past life, I'm Alfred, Sugar Plum, Alfred. Your soul friend. Now, time to drink milk and party the night away!
I went downstairs, drank milk, put on a song, and danced. I danced, and I danced, and I danced, until the dancing turned sour. I was good at dancing in this state. It depended on the spiritual state I was in, how good I was at dancing.
Okay, when you think of a girl, what do you think of? My guides asked me.
Wooo.... oooohh.. I don't know, something with mysticism.
That's right, sweetie, you're a mystic. Do not say it out loud, for it insights fear in the hearts of people who know nothing about it.
Where do you think the same girl went to the university?
I don't know, why do you ask? I asked sheepishly.
She's going to take you to her school and teach you arithmetic! And then they said, dance! Dance! Dance! Psycho killer, qu'est que c'est? Time to listen!
I put on the song and had a really good dance. Then, I walked over to the cupboards, and remembered a time when I was three, and I fell off a swing. My dad caught me. It knocked the wind out of me, so it was a few seconds before I breathed in and started crying. My dad laughed, because he thought it didn't hurt at all, I was just all prepared to cry, so when I didn't get hurt, I was ready to cry, and I just cried anyway! He was such a doofus. Then, I screamed. Screamed because I remembered that moment, and how angry I had been at my dad for laughing when I was crying. When it was all settled down, I screamed again, out of anger.
When I had calmed down from that, I started hearing chanting. “LET IT DIE!! LET IT DIE!! LET IT DIE!!” I asked the people who were chanting, “Why do you say that?”
“I don't know, we've just always said that,” they responded in a dumb fashion.
I hate primordial people, I told my guides.
Why do you hate primordial people? My guides asked.
They are so dumb and focused on their own safety, and stuff... I trailed off. They were just so primitive.
But they can't help being primitive, my guides said, in response to my thoughts.
But they could at least straighten up and act proper every once in awhile, instead of going around killing everyone! I said.
Primordial people were not as advanced as us, spiritually, my guides told me. They were a wave of souls before that was less advanced, that's why they do things that seem less advanced. When the Earth consciousness started to evolve, so did the types of souls that incarnated here.
Did the primordial people ever eat food they actually knew what was in it? I asked dumbly.
No, they don't know what's in their food. That's why they are called, prim-IT-ive. They don't know what IT is! My guides said.
Why do you make such a dumb joke? I asked.
Because you are being dumb, my guides said.
Why do the primordial people eat food without knowing what's in it? Are they trying to get themselved riled up for a big war or something? I asked meanly.
Why are you so hard on the primordial people? My guides asked me. They are just people, they didn't know any better. It took time for human consciousness to evolve.
What do the primordial people do when their lovers leave? Do they masturbate? Or do they not have the right tools?
Salioness, this primordial people ramble is creating distress in the house of Zuhl. Do something else.
I went out and danced, to a song that brought the moment to life. After I was done, I started marching through the house shouting the word “mysticism.” I was trying to clue my dad into what was going on. He was sitting and watching television in the family room. He did not say anything.
I sat down in the living room. “Hi, what do you think of those little things they do, where they take a three dimensional design and make it four dimensional, and you are supposed to try and visualize it? Don't they know that you can't visualize it?”
“Oh, well I wouldn't say you can't visualize it... You can try, and do a pretty good job.”
I thought about this... The way the mind was laid out, there was no way in hell I'd ever be able to conceptualize a drawing in four-dimensional space.
“okay, not visualize... I meant conceptualize...”
“Well, you can conceptualize it too...”
“How do you do that?”
“Well you figure, this goes here, this goes here, this goes here.... And you take it from there...”
“WOOOAHHH!!!” At this moment, I had a thought. He wasn't getting it. You can't visualize or conceptualize those drawings, you can try to understand, but you can't do either of those things with the drawings in four dimensional space. When I was done freaking out, I wondered if my dad's brain worked differently then mine. Either his could, and he was telling the truth.. Or he didn't understand what I meant by visualization, because he was a guy. He didn't get the “popping” feeling, of things popping out and taking up three dimensional space. And that allowed men to be able to visualize things better, since they weren't visualizing things correctly to begin with. I got freaked out, wondering if I had stumbled across some innate difference between the masculine mind and the feminine mind.
“WOAH!! That was more than I wanted to know!!” I said and left the room.
I walked into the kitchen, and got out a protein bar. After I ate, I walked around the house, spinning webs of delight. I posted on facebook:
I wrote a song about my experience yesterday. It went I speak truth in words and phrases Pick them up like cords of hazes Eat a cockroach world of praises Hallelujah Love me Jay-zes!
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