Chapter 70
What do you think it's time for now, Rachel? Alfred asked me. “Sugar Plum, sweetheart.” He was happy with me.
I think it's time to eat something, I said, reluctantly, as I still didn't feel like eating.
My mom told me I was going to get a blood test tomorrow. I was worried like hell. More worried than I had been for a long time. In a normal state, that would have been just fine. But now, I was in a very sensitive spiritual state. I didn't know if I could handle the pain, or the idea of someone putting a needle in my arm. I thought about it, and cringed. No, no, no. Not tomorrow. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it!
While worrying incessantly about this, I tried to go on facebook to post a status. Facebook wouldn't load. In fact, the internet wasn't working at all. My worries about the needle disappeared, and turned into an irrational worry about the internet not working. Now, I told myself. We have been having a lot of internet problems lately... We are just having some more. But I couldn't help but worry that my parents had found out I was going through a weird time, and they turned off my internet. This was a paranoid fear, of course they hadn't done that. But I was so, so worried about that, and I couldn't help but fear that's what was going on. Later, my guides told me they shut off the internet in my room, using their magic internet powers, because they didn't want me posting facebook statuses during my current “episode.”
My sister found me upstairs. She was over for dinner, it was a Sunday night, and they had just gotten finished eating. I told her I was doing well, but something about me made her think I was not. I was on edge. I was angsty. I wanted to kill both my parents.
“What is this? WHAT IS THIS? You live here? No, you don't live here. So why do you come over and eat dinner, pray to God, and then tell me I can't live here without eating food? You know, words. Believe, ye brethren. I hate you, Kristen!”
“Let's take a video,” she said. She videotaped me, I opened my eyes really wide, and then she showed me the video. I was still going through my spiritual awakening. This was exactly what I needed to see, this video opened up something inside me.
I screamed at my parents in the hall. “I'm fine! It went fine! Everything is okay!” I was worried I was acting like it hadn't gone well, like I hadn't had a good time, and that wasn't the case. I screamed, cried, and yelled their ears off. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't want to, but I was provoked by their funny attitudes towards me.
“Okay, let me ask you this, what do you think I need?” I asked my parents and my sister.
“We think you probably need less caffeine and more medication,” my mom said.
“Aihhh!!! Wrong! Now, let's play a game! Let's play a game!” I imagined myself as Robin Williams in One Hour Photo, in this moment. This movie reference helped me think, helped motivate me to pretend like I was living out a scene in a movie, and jumpstarted my brain a little bit.
“We don't want to play a game,” my sister said.
“WE ARE PLAYING A GAME!! It's called, what do you think I need? Why do you think I'm not doing well right now?”
“No medication?” my sister suggested.
“Too much nicotine?” my mom suggested.
“Too much caffeine?” my dad suggested.
“Wrong, wrong, wrong!” I said enthusiastically. I was scared to death they were going to take me to the hospital.
“Alcohol?” my sister suggested.
“I'm thinking alcohol,” my dad said.
“Nope, way off,” I said.
“Were you taking supplements you weren't supposed to?” my mom suggested.
“Nope, way off,” I repeated.
“Have you eaten?” my sister suggested, finally.
“Ding ding ding! There you go! You got it right! I need to eat! I am famished!”
After this, my parents relaxed. Given a logical explanation for why I was not acting like I was okay, they believed I would do better if I had something to eat. They had said themselves, both of them, I am less manic once I've had something to eat.
I got out some food and began to eat, calmed down, and felt a lot better. Everything was okay now. My parents went upstairs, and I started talking to my sister about something I had been thinking about earlier this year, that I thought she would like.
“Kristen, I know you like games, so I have an idea for you. I was thinking, what if sex is just a game? It's a game, Kristen! The game is, you pretend you love the other person more than you love yourself! And then you get together and pound together, pound, pound, pound, in an effort to poof! Switch bodies!”
My sister smiled. “I think that's a valid theory, but what if you don't love each other that much?”
“Then it turns into a very perverted game, trying to pound the shit out of the other person in order to gain some sort of advantage over them.”
My sister was getting ready to go. I knew she was going back to her life of being an entertainer, and she hated that more than anything, but it was something she had to do. I looked at her, touched her shoulder, as she was heading out the door. “Kristen. Never forget that you're a lady.”
She was always trying to hard to be glamorous, trying so hard to look the part of being female. I knew her job took a horrendous toll on her.
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