Chapter 69
>Babies hate peekaboo.
What do you think I should do, Rachel? Alfred asked the next morning.
What do you mean? I asked him.
I'm going through a lot of energy here, just keeping ahold of your ideas in my mind. I want to watch, but I need spirit sex too. It's like, come on, give it a rest, I want to watch! No more of your thing! Wait for me! No more!
Well, we could ask the subconscious mind what she thinks about that... I said sarcastically.
Come on, Sugar Plum, just call it quits for a little bit.
I was going to meet up with my friend from Innercept, Terry, and his wife Angela. They were good friends of mine, they had both been staff members at Innercept. We were going to go to a park and hang out, while they did some sort of fly tie thing, because Terry was a fly fisherman. I was worried: would I be acting funny? Would they notice something was wrong with me? I didn't know, but I wondered.
“I don't know what's going to happen, but I know this – it will be fun,” I told myself, out loud, using my subconscious mind.
I walked around the neighborhood, and talked to myself. I still hadn't addressed the subject of the bad ice cream joke. It was a growing problem, because it bugged me whenever I knew Robin was around. What had started as no big deal, was rapidly growing in magnitude. Sure, it was no big deal. But with me, and my brain, little things got magnified into huge issues. I was talking around the subject, and going off on tangents, when I talked about Robin. After awhile, I made a decision that I would probably address it. I talked about the dark spots.
“So these little issues, little microscopic issues... Times where I said the wrong thing, or didn't say the right thing, or acted something like dumb, not usually, but sometimes... Things that shouldn't be issues at all, become enormous problems in my mind. It's like, I don't find that embarrassing, you don't find that embarrassing, why can't we just let it be a done deal and make out with our problems and call it a day? Instead, I have to freak out like mad whenever an issue similar comes up, like when Robin says, hey, want to go have ice cream? And I say, sure, Robin, let's get double scoops!”
Yep, that's where it was going. I knew for a fact at this point that he knew about it, I implied he already knew, but I didn't directly tell my conscious mind he did... I knew it wasn't an issue, but still, there was this refusal to address the issue head on. And then, I did. I just said it. And it was no big deal. Still, there was a degree of anxiety when he was around, a very large degree, and it was bothersome. I almost didn't want him to be around.
I got ready, but on slightly mismatched clothes, a pink floral skirt and a patriotic tank top, and no makeup. Angela came to the house to pick me up. We rode through the city to the park, way over by where Todd lived. It was a park I had been to many times with Todd, and at which I had created many memories with Todd.
“So, you've heard of the saying, 'first world problems?' Like, a first world problem would be, having a cookie that is too big to fit in a glass of milk?”
“No, I've never heard of that before,” Angela said.
“Well, I thought of another first world problem. You break the cookie in half, and the cookie crumbles a little bit, and you get less cookie.”
She laughed.
We got out, and I walked over to the event to meet Terry. There were booths set up, I didn't bother to look at what the other people were doing. Terry was tying flies for fly fishing with kids. I noticed the one he was tying with was an amputee, and was missing one hand. In the background, reggae music played.
I reached out and grabbed Terry's hand. “Hey, Terry!” I sang.
“Why, look who it is! My favorite person in the whole world! Well, well, well.. I've been sitting here, all day long, waiting... And then you show up, looking snazzy, walking with my other favorite person in the whole world, Angela! Thank you for meeting me here! Say, do you know how many women it takes to unload a dishwasher?”
“No, how many?”
“As many as it takes to load a dishwasher!” He chuckled.
We talked for a little bit, cracked some jokes, before they pointed me in the direction of the food and told me I could go buy some.
Alfred pulled a sex cord. “Soul knows best, eat some of that down home cooking!”
I wasn't hungry, even in the slightest. Sure, my blood sugar was low, and my stomach was rumbling, but I didn't feel like eating at all. I felt like I was one of those people I had seen on the internet, one of those feeders/feedees. Those are couples where usually the woman is morbidly obese from the man constantly stuffing food down her throat, on purpose, to make her gain massive amounts of weight. It is a sexual thing, for both of them. Needless to say, I found this lifestyle repulsive. I imagined that this is what this was.
Come on, I'm not trying to fatten you up, you need fuel! Alfred cried.
Instead I walked over to the convenience store, in a funny state. I felt like I had done some sort of drug, yet, I had not. This was me, naturally. I walked in, and they said they had checked out the store for me ahead of time.
Alfred pulled the cord again. Soul knows best. This way! This way! Almost there! There you go, chocolate milk.
I really did not want to drink something so rich, but I had to. He pulled the cord again to nudge me to the cash register, and I felt that feeling of the feeder/feedee again. “ooh, this is kinky in a bad way,” I thought to myself. I stood in the convenience store, took off the seal to the drink, and placed it on a surface instead of in the garbage can. For whatever reason, I thought that was a more fitting place. As I went to leave, I had a thought. What if I put the seal there, then, I go back, and the entire time I spend at the park, I have a page open, something in the back of my mind, telling me, “go put that seal in the garbage can.” A huge amount of my mental processing, dedicated to wanting me to finish an unfinished task that was so trivial and dumb. We laughed, and Robin laughed, as he got the joke. Brain problems could be so problematic. It was funny, because it was things like this that created that kind of problem I was this close to making this issue a real issue.
I left, and headed back towards the park. On the way, I stopped at the crosswalk. A girl honked and waved. I did not notice. They were waving at someone else. Then, I stopped and almost waved myself, but did not.
On the way back, I stopped at the restroom, but the door would not open. It was locked.
I went back to where Terry was, drank a diet coke, and chatted for a couple moments before heading off again. We decided to do some more talking, with the subconscious mind.
“I don't understand what the big fuss is about cat-calling. It's alright, I think, if you don't like sexual advances, and you don't like being seen in a sexual light, and you don't know who loves you in a sexual way. But for the most part, people like to know they are attractive. It is easy to tell a woman, you are pretty, you are ugly, you are fat, you are skinny. But when a woman is out and about, and a man is sexually interested in her, it means more than anything else. To be seen in a sexual light, not any other kind of light. So, I don't understand why women hate cat-calling. Are these the same women who feel bad about their bodies? You have eating disorders, or exercise disorders, or issues with their bodies not looking the way they want them to? Because it seems to me, if a man is interested in that way, and you are just looking your everyday self, it's a sign that you are worrying needlessly. You are alright. Your body is attractive, do not worry about what the men say about you behind your backs, you are looking good and no one can take that away. So when I get cat-called, which happens quite frequently, I think, “Yes! Yes! I've got it!” And I know a lot of other woman think so too. So I don't like these women on facebook, the oh so attractive ones, who get cat-called all the time, trying to ruin it for the lesser women by pushing this “say no to cat-calling” campaign. It's hard to understand why women like to be cat-called by some women, who see it as a sexual threat. But I do not, I know better. That's it. That's all. That's why I think the world will be a better place if men just cat-call the women they are interested in.”
As I was talking about cat-calling, I kept thinking that Robin Williams would like what I was saying right now. I didn't address it until later, and then found out that I had already talked to him subconsciously about this very topic, and that's why I knew he would like what I was saying. It had embarrassed me a little bit, assuming that he would like what I was saying. I thought it was because of a time, which I had mentioned to him already, when I was 14-years-old, and we were in FAO Shwartz in San Francisco. We were standing by the front of the store, and I heard my sister say, “Robin Williams!” I got excited and looked around, wondering where Robin Williams was. Eventually, I saw him, wearing sunglasses, not recognizable by first glance, but if you took a second to look you noticed it was him. When we asked my sister what had happened, she said she had been standing there, minding her own business when she noticed a man staring at her and smiling. When she looked at him, she noticed it was Robin Williams.
“When I was five, I liked to eat food a lot. When I was 18, I still liked to eat food. Now, I don't mind it, but don't particularly like it either. Still, I get tempted to eat all the time, out of habit. Like, why not have the extra side of tater tots? Or, just eat a banana, it will make you feel better. Not because I really want to eat, but because it helps me think! Does it really? Does it really help me think?” I tapped the side of my head with my finger, as to send a memo to my conscious mind. “YES! It does so! And then, when we go out in public, I always notice how fat women are. Seriously, am I really that unattractive, compared to all the other fat women? I'm not really that heavy, I mean I'm not skinny, but I'm not that heavy either. When I walk down the street, I find out how much I look like a woman. Men honk, sometimes, but not usually. Usually, I just get the sexual interest energy, which does not feel good, not bad either, but not good either, but lets me know that I'm looking hot. That's why I say, girl, don't worry, baby, don't worry. You are looking good, baby. You are looking good.
“When I was seven, I made friends with Debi Miller. She was just like me in most ways, but not all. We were both fun, both funny, both friendly, and both weird. That's all. That's it. That's why we got along. When I got a little bit older, I started clamming up. We went to camp, and she would talk to all the other campers in our cabin, but I would just sit by myself and introvert, while occasionally talking to the official weird girl in the cabin. One time, when I was at camp, a girl told me it would be fun if the tractor was going around killing people and we had to hide, and then proceeded to hide from the tractor when it came around. We got a good laugh out of this, it was so dumb, we thought, so dumb. That was the official weird girl in the cabin. There was always an official weird girl.
“When Debi and I got a little bit older, we decided not to be friends anymore. No, we're not friends, my dear. We are acquaintances, and we could be friends again easily if we pick things up where we left off, but we're not friends. I sent her a letter, while I was at Innercept, and I said some things that weren't embarrassing, but might be seen as odd, like the fact that I had had misconstrued ideas. When I got out of the program, I saw her not at all. And when I went home for the summer, I saw her at the wedding. She seemed eager to see me, I don't know if it was fake or not, but I think it was not, because she told me how much she wanted to get back with me and be friends again. I think she was for real, I don't know though, people lie on the spiritual plane all the time.
“Another thing about Alfred is, he's a great guy. But I don't understand what the fuss is about, hey, we are not going to be together forever. I know what's going on, I know how it's going to work. Who knows if we will even want to be together forever? And even so, what if that's not the end? Because there is some research, and it shows that we keep ties perhaps when we pass over to the next dimension, so that could mean that we do not lose ties with our loved ones. I know this, my conscious mind does not. But that's okay, that's all right. We are friends now, and right not, this is all we have. The here and now. Let's toast to the here and now.”
While I was talking, I vaguely wondered if I had come across some original reason for knowing that ties are kept on the next dimension, like this was something people didn't already know. I wondered, and then suddenly worried. Damn, that was stupid. Of course it wasn't original, of course you don't know anything about this. God, how dumb!
It's okay, Salioness, don't worry about it. You need fuel, my guides said to me.
Alfred pulled the cord. Soul knows best, back to the store!
I walked back to the store. On the way, someone was sitting and looking at me and asked a question, and I asked what he was talking about. He said he wasn't talking to me. I was embarrassed, but not really. I knew it wasn't really a big deal. It reminded me of when I was in the seventh grade, and a guy asked me a question on the bus, and then I found out he wasn't talking to me. I was so, so embarrassed. It was funny, because what was once embarrassing, was now no longer embarrassing.
I walked over to the store, went inside, and they told me they would lead me to what I needed to eat. I walked over to where they were pointing, and there were sticks of beef jerky. I took a stick, purchased it, and walked out the door. On the way out, two 20 something men opened the door, I quickly walked out and said, “excuse me!” “You're welcome!” one of them said. I was thinking I should be embarrassed about that too, but was not.
I walked over and sat down in the park, on the grass. I began talking about what a mystical moment this was. I was sitting there, watching the people pass, and loving the moment. In actuality, I was uncomfortable about something. Robin Williams was making me uncomfortable, he was there and his presence made me nervous and anxious. I knew it was okay though, I didn't have a problem with him being there. It just made me a little on edge.
“Now, this is a pleasant moment, if you look around, you see the children playing, the grass is green, the sky is blue... The air smells wonderful, the music is pleasant, everything is great. Whenever something like this happens, I usually worry worry worry, because I don't want to go back to the hospital, ever again. But then again, I sort of enjoy the hospital stays, they are sometimes quite pleasant. Not like this day at the park, though. This day at the park is exceptionally pleasant.
“I like to worry about things, but I don't think there is anything to worry about right now... Let's look on the bright side, this is a very cheery day. I enjoy the way the sounds intermingle in the air and create a cacaphony of sounds indicating the presence of summer, and it is summer still, technically.”
As I was sitting there, something which made me even more uncomfortable happened. My stick of beef jerky, which I was currently taking out of the packaging to eat, turned into a penis, not Robin William's penis, but a penis with the essence of Robin Williams. It was still a funny shaped penis, long and slender, which reminded me of wonk, and the sort of things I found wonky. I was wearing a wonky hat too, it was red and bulbous. In the background, there was a Cheshire cat. It was a real Alice In Wonderland moment.
“See, this is pleasant right here. We can all just tell ourselves, hey, things are good, things are great, we don't always see the big picture, but right now, let's just look at the small picture, and think that this is a good moment. Very pleasant. It's hard to understand why anything could be wrong in this moment, when everything is so great.”
Really, in actuality, I was uncomfortable to the extreme. It was funny, but it made me uncomfortable.
I got up, disposed of the beef jerky packaging, and went back over to Terry and Angela to hang out for a little bit longer. When I was done conversing with them casually, I headed out to walk around again.
“It's hard to imagine how anything would be a nuisance to me at this moment... Yeah, true, I don't understand a lot of things about the world. But then again, neither do the people in charge, and they make it by. Another thing is, yeah, we always have problems at home, but then again, yeah, it's hard not understanding what's going on when I am in a funny state, but yeah, I'm in one now, but yeah, it's all right. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't understand where this is taking me, yeah, it's all right, things are going to be okay. It's hard to understand how anything could possibly be wrong right now, when things are so perfectly suitable to my tastes, but yeah, I think things will be just fine. I understand the issues at hand, and I think, yeah, they are going to turn out all right. No, I don't know where I am going in life. No, I don't know what's going to happen next. Yeah, I think it will turn out all right. No, I don't think I will go to the hospital tonight, or tomorrow night, or any night for that matter. Yeah, I think things are going uphill in life, things are getting better and better...”
I went on and on. Every time I said “yeah,” my voice had this ring to it that was effervescently pleasant. Everything about this moment was pleasant, the way I was talking to myself was soothing and funny, though I didn't laugh out loud. The thing about it was, I was dancing around the subject, and that's what was bothering me. There was a certain refusal to address the real issue head on, and that was that I didn't know what was going to happen, if I was going to the hospital, or if anything bad to that that effect was going to happen. As I walked around the park, I was having a good time, but there was something that negated from the fun, and that was that I didn't know what was going to happen. It was a looming darkness for this otherwise pleasant moment.
“When I get back to the house, don't worry baby, I'll let you eat some food. You need to eat, baby, it will help you.”
Is there anything wrong with calling my conscious mind baby?
“No, baby, no worries, I know what's best for us. You call your conscious mind baby, I call our conscious mind baby. That's where it comes from. If you want another nickname, I would say, not baby, but funny girl. So, funny girl, ready to go home?”
I walked, talked to passerby, and made my way back to the tent. Terry and Angela were getting ready to leave. As we left, I got the impression that there was something depressing about this particular event that I hadn't picked up on. I wondered if it had something to do with the one girl being an amputee. I was worried I hadn't spent enough time with Terry and Angela, but not that worried, because they had been exceptionally busy the entire time I was there, and hadn't had much time to talk with me either. While in the car, I tried hard to listen to Terry, but it was difficult with my current state of mind. He made a joke, and I laughed, not getting the joke, but recognizing it as a joke I've heard quite a few times before.
When I got home, I felt sort of ravaged, like something weird had just happened. I went upstairs to take a shower. In the shower, I kept talking to myself in that one effervescently pleasant frame of tone, where I would say “yeah” in an indifferent tone when I would think of something I was really worried about, to offset the fear. I thought this was the funniest part. I would just say, “yeah,” and my voice had this little ring to it, about something I was worried like hell about, like it was no big deal at all. My guides had to tell me to stop using this frame of tone, it was wearing a groove in my mental state, I wouldn't be able to pull myself out and go back to talking normally. So I did it.
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