Chapter 63
Alfred, why do you love me? I asked Alfred one night.
Because you know how to suck cock, now bow down, bitch!
I started sucking his invisible cock. When he came, I pretended to swallow his semen.
I got stuck in a loop. Everytime I swallowed, I immediately felt the uncontrollable urge to swallow again. It was horrible, it was embarrassing, and it was annoying. Finally, after awhile, I stopped doing it, when my thoughts went elsewhere.
What's that, Sugar Plum? Why did you do that just now? Was it too much for you?
The swallowing problem.... I breathed.
I had had this problem before, at Innercept, when I used to do cough syrup. Later in the evening, I had this problem where I would start swallowing over and over again. I would end up swallowing a bunch of air, then burp, then immediately after burping, start swallowing again.
Why do you do that, Sugar Plum? Why do you continue swallowing even though you don't want to?
If I stop... I can't stop. I can't stop doing it. It's out of my control!
Well, Sugar Plum, the only way to get over it is to desensitize you to it! How about a toast? He held up a glass, and we toasted, not to the new age, to the dawning of the demise of the worry wart.
I started swallowing uncontrollably again.
Awww, don't do that, Sugar Plum! He laughed.
Chapter 64
I think female porn stars should be called pornomaidens.
Hey, Sugar Plum! Alfred screamed at me the next day. How about we talk to the silia self some more?
Okay! I said enthusiastically. I was still feeling a little bit funny from the energy drain.
Don't worry, the energy will rebuild very shortly. Let's go!
So, I started using my silia self to talk. The silia self talked about people she'd called out to on the spiritual plane, like Brandon. Apparently, back in the day, I had called out to him and flung myself at him.
“And then... I said... He said.. NOOOO!!!! He told me he was interested, but not in more than a sexual relationship. If I wanted that, I was fine. I could have it. But no more. NO MORE!!!!”
I straightened up and acted proper. “I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew! I wish, he would just, call me or something, because it's been like, forever and stuff, but he's always busy... Always busy.. I miss him! I miss him!” I wiped invisible tears from my cheek. “I miss him!”
Then, I did some funny movements. “I wish I could just, somehow... God, so restraining!” I moved my body, trying to jump out of it.
“Then, he told me, I was not the one he loved, she was...”
Who did? Alfred asked.
“Stephen,” I said. He was a guy I knew from Innercept, who I had skyped with a lot.
“And then, he told me, watch out! I am your man! The very next day! And I'm like, what? What? FILTHY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL!!! I LOVED YOU!!! BUT YOU DIDN'T LOVE ME!!!”
We talked on and on, and I acted out scenes from past lives, scenes I didn't understand at all consciously, no way jose, but Alfred did, and thought it was really funny.
I dig your silia jokes, Alfred said.
I wondered what the silia jokes were. Were they jokes I made subconsciously to him when I was acting out the scenes? I didn't know.
At one point, I got tempted to refer directly to my mind, because it was holding me back. Talk to it, talk about it, do something to that effect, bring my awareness to the thing right up there inside my head.
Don't do it, the spirit guides said. It's not dangerous... It's just really, really dumb. We don't want to see it.
I knew it was going somewhere I didn't want it to go. I was directing it a little bit consciously, and when I brought attention to my mind, I got a vague funny feeling, a funny feeling like, this is something that would be very very interesting, a good story to tell later perhaps, but not a fun experience. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Chapter 65
Where do you want to do it? The guides asked me.
Do what? I asked, wondering what they were talking about.
Talk to your subconscious mind, silly girl!
We went downstairs, and sat in the family room. Your go, they told me.
I began to talk out loud. “Well, I understand the necessity of my brain, but I don't understand all the weird zombie girl stuff. I liked weird zombie girl, but it wasn't that funny, it just tickled me the right way. I don't understand why I went over it so many times in my mind, thinking it was the funniest thing ever. It's funny, all right, but not as funny as weird zombie boy. And I understand where you are going with this, Rachel, but you don't need to make me have such horrific images in my mind all the time with the weird zombie boy thing going through it all the time either, okay? Another thing is, I liked my dad's idea about working out less and eating more food, but I think that does not work in the long run. It is hard to maintain a lifestyle of eating a lot of fast food and not working out, and not getting really really heavy, like him. So from here on out, no fast food, okay? Sure? Okay, conscious mind. That's fine. Another thing is, I have no idea where you find these things going on in your brain, Rachel, the idea of your love of spiders, and insects. I hate those things very, very much. I don't want to look at them all the time in a computer game, that's just too much dumbfuckery for my taste. Another thing is, I want your dad to stop looking at my mom and making dumb ass remarks about how she's right all the time. She's a dumbfuck, but he listens to her about everything. Everything she says, goes. I hate that. I wish they would leave me the fuck alone, and forget my medication every time they want to give it to me. Another thing is, I hate my dad a lot less than my mom, but I hate both of them the same. They both sent me to Innercept, both took away my rights, and both made me eat food I didn't like when I was fifteen. Not what you're thinking, dumb girl. Outside the box. Ideas about what I need to do to make a living. I don't want to be a computer gamer, I hate computer games! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them! I liked Sim City, I did not like Sim Ant, I did not like Starcraft, and I hated Diablo! Stop making me play those damn games! Another thing is, you are good at working at your mind problems, but not at feeling a solution to the good part. Your algorithmic programming abilities. You are good at it, yes, but you don't know shit about how to make it foolproof, so stop acting like you program flawlessly! I'm actually not serious, you are better than most people at making games. That's why you could do it if you wanted to, but I don't want you to, so don't! Another thing is, I like to eat food right when I go to bed at night so that I don't have to work as hard burning fuel all night long. Okay, not really, I'm not serious. Don't eat before bedtime, it hurts me. Another thing is, you are a good girl. Don't let guys walk all over you, don't let them sleep with you if you don't want them to, and don't give in just because they want to do something with you! We both hate that, but you are such a pushover, you just let guys use you all the time! I hate it! I do not care if you love me, conscious mind, I love you so much it makes me feel good just hearing your voice all the time, but I wanted you to know a few things. And so, that's it, that's all. That's what I wanted to tell you.
“I wanted to talk about something that I love to think about. That is, Bill Clinton. He's my favorite. Seriously, I love Bill Clinton. I love him so much, it is hard to understand how much I love him. But no, that's not it. I don't love him because he's a sex symbol, which he is, that's true. He is the best guy for making the world a better place, and he did a fantastic job as president. One thing that's not true about the Lewinsky scandal, it ruined Bill's career. It did not, it did not even put a damper on it. He is wonderful at putting on a show and pretending that never happened, but it did happen, so let's talk about it. He was the one who told the public that he was not having sexual relations with that woman, and he was. But that's not the point. He did, but that's not the point. He had sexual relations with other women as well, and that wasn't the issue. He was good at making things look like they were okay even when he was accused of obstruction of justice, and glossing that over, and doing his best despite all the bad press. I love Bill Clinton. He is not only a sex symbol, he is the most wonderful man on the planet. And that's what I have to say about that.
“Why do you think I like this, conscious mind? I don't like talking from my perspective, it's hard to understand what you are thinking most of the time, and it hurts me to understand where it seems we are going all the time. I know facts, yes, that's true. But it hurts me to realize how far it goes in the ways of the masturbatorial place... You need to masturbate more. That's final. Just do it.”
We went on to talk about some of my sexual fantasies, and how they came to be, and the reasons why I had them.
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