In my situation, I have been imprisoned since early 2021 in the hospital, simply because I had no where to go. Why am I here to begin with? No reason that I am aware of... I was doing just fine when they sent me here... I myself would rather not seek treatment for a suicide attempt, and die in agony... (or recover without medical attention, see June 2020) then have to be subjected to the deadening environment of the hospital. As much as I abhor this place, as much as it leads me downhill and leads me to the brink of mental breakdown (see July 2018)... there is no way of escaping the police when whatever is said (read: probably lies, the night before in January I was minding my own business on my computer) hey, don’t ask me, don’t know what was said... when I am kept out of the loop, I can’t correct fabrication or untruths... We are relying on the testimony of a guy who is a pathological liar, here.
So, being driven to the brink of mental breakdown, now.... I am trying my best to keep my head above water, as my parents cling to their “last hope” for having “their Rachel” back.... Telecare. “Rachel isn’t argumentative” is what my mom says...
Look Beev. I am no longer five years old. If you think I am acting “different” or experiencing a “ change in personality,” listen to this... YOU don’t know me. I have changed a lot in the past seven years, or past fifteen years... YOU DON’T KNOW ME. You don’t know anything about you daughter. She is a stranger. She doesn’t talk to you about anything that is important to her. You said it yourself, you think she thinks about food all the time... YEAH, RIGHT. Beev... Come on, give it up. You said yourself you were about to have a mental breakdown. Why don’t YOU check yourself in and leave me alone...
I couldn’t even focus on Star Wars, didn’t find it interesting. That’s because my life is so much more interesting. I kept waiting for it to get to the interesting part, get to the interesting part... when I realized Darth Vador destroying Princess Leia’s home planet was probably supposed to be a good part.
Let’s face it, you are never going to get the “old Rachel” back, if that was ever a real person to begin with. When you get a guardianship over your daughter, what happens to her? How does she react? Not by screaming or yelling or making a fuss, but by shutting down. I had to submit to being a second class citizen. And that’s when I began secretly hating the both of you. No more love. If I had told you every single day from day one, that I now saw you as the enemy, would you have believed me? No, because every time I said that, you would say it was the mental illness talking, not their dear sweet Rachel. The one who “isn’t argumentative.”
You don’t know me. You can lock me up to prevent me from drinking alcohol, but I am still going to drink (responsibly) when I am out of here... the only reason I got mugged, was because I was drinking outside in public... which I was doing because my roommates said no drinking in the house. And the only reason I did THAT, agree to that living arrangement, was because there was no other option... at the time I thought it was either that or the homeless shelter (which meant a mental breakdown).
What is Telecare going to accomplish? Hey, that’s what you thought Innercept would accomplish! I am perfectly fine! However, I will compromise with you and do Cedar Hills (or whatever) Outpatient Care...
And then Feether Meeke says... “We tried Craigslist and it didn’t work, you got kicked out for being DRUNK!” That was, say it with me, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Can you say learning experience? The lady said it was okay to get drunk, we even discussed it... she told me specifically, if you are drinking and have to puke, puke in the toilet, not the sink... The thing they were really upset about was the visitor, and I didn’t realize because I had never done this kind of living arrangement before... You have to discuss that! You have to ask, are visitors okay? I didn’t know that, and now I do! So next time, it wouldn’t happen.. Also, you need to ask abou Wifi... the reason I got drunk to begin with, was because there was nothing to do with no internet... Next time, ask about WiFi, ask if it’s okay to drink at a bar... they were worried about me going out and drinking and getting shot...
I was drinking because I was bored. Now, I have my work cut out for me! I have to finish my memoir series, and that’s a lot of work... Plus, I have some other writing I need to get done... With an online support system, like Outpatient care or some sort of spiritual support group, that will keep me busy, help me make friends and help keep me out of “trouble.”
I have no emotional problems. Oh wait, wrong... I stopped believing in love. Is therapy going to help with that?
I have previously quit using meth and Coricidan cold turkey, while off medication... No counseling required. Do not intend to use either ever again. Does that count for anything? Where do I get credit for that.
I have not relapsed on Coricidan, it had been about a year. As for the meth, the reason I was using it in the first place was because alcohol and marijuana were ineffective, due to a very broken aura that made me feel horrible all the time... Illegal stimulants were the only thing that helped the problem. A guy at Gateway offered me meth again in January, I smoked with him, the only time since May of 2020... I experience no cravings and intend to never use it again.
Doesn’t that count for something? No, you have to cut out alcohol, too, at the same time, with everything else...
Please, just let breathe...
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