Jesus and Victimization

I love that moment when I’m struck by inspiration.

Today I would like to talk about Jesus. One time my roommate told me that since she grew up Catholic, she had Christianity ingrained in her, or something along those lines. I told her that I had Christianity ingrained in me too. No, I wasn’t raised Christian, or any other religion fof that matter. But because the story of Jesus is a timeless tale that enjoys ingraining itself in people.

The story of Jesus’ death and rise back to life is the timeless part. So here we have this guy who is completely innocent in every respect of the word. He is ridiculed and murdered gruesomely. Then he rises again, and boy does he show those fuckers.

It’s a nice story for people who feel like the victim, especially those who are the target of ridicule. They see themselves as innocent. The innocent one is the one who has to suffer. This is a theme that is powerful to people. That’s why the story of Jesus ingrains itself in people. Not because it’s a true story. But because it has literary power.

Feeling victimized is a sign of immaturity. People haven’t reached maturity unless they can see the faults in themselves. Jesus had no faults. Jesus could not see the faults in himself. Therefore, Jesus was immature.

Thank you for your time.

The Rational vs. the Emotional

There was a time when I wanted to become a philosopher, for whatever reason. I was volunteering at the Humane Society, so I would walk a dog, then sit at the table inside and write. I would sit in the closet at the house and write. That was back in the wonderful day of Geodon. When I say wonderful, I am being sarcastic. The reason I mention it is because the Geodon would make me cycle bipolarly. I would write about how I was supposed to see the truth when how I felt about things would change so much. How are we supposed to know the truth when how we feel about things is the result of chemicals?

You are supposed to think logically and rationally about things, not emotionally. Still, I found it impossible to separate how I felt about something from logic. I don't know if you even can. I mean people might claim to, but if you feel certain about something, it seems to me that that certainty is an emotion. Everything you experience is colored by emotions. At least, that's how it seems to me.

My belief in spirits started out as something that wasn't backed up by anything rational. Actually, it kind of was, but that's besides the point. The point is that it felt to me like spirits existed and watched over me, and I had been previously unaware of it, but the spirits were okay with the fact that I didn't believe in them, they were still there for me. Later, the spirits' role in my life became something I couldn't ignore.

But I think in general, people often feel too certain of things. A healthy dose of doubt is a good thing. It causes you to question, and questioning is good. Always question everything. However, this constant questioning leaves you lost and groundless. There are somethings I hate questioning. I hate questioning my own judgment and conclusions/ability to think rationally and my memory. The idea that I can't trust my own memory scares the shit out of me. So most of the time, I don't question these things.

I had a dream about my mom awhile ago. It was about my mental illness. I asked her if she could try to see it from my perspective, to consider what I was telling her, and she said no. She had already made up her mind, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

Caffeine, Innercept, and the Insatiable Need to Control

My apartment was searched by Innercept staff a couple weeks ago. Knowing I didn't have anything embarrassing or secret in my apartment, I was fine with this. Today I go back and find that they removed the one Starbucks double shot I have left in my fridge. Seriously?

So I drink caffeine in larger portions then Innercept would like me to. Innercept has this insatiable need to control me. I'm going to drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day and there is nothing you can do about it. Two shots of espresso in a double shot is nothing. Seriously, that's nothing. You are wasting my money by throwing away my food/drinks.

There was a time when I had trouble with too much caffeine. That was when Innercept has me on the horrid drug Geodon. Time after time I told them it was bad, but they wouldn't take me off it until it came to a point where they really had no choice. These days, I have more trouble with my mood when I don't drink enough caffeine then when I drink too much.

Truth is, Innercept doesn't know what's best for me. I'm going to do what I think is best. I have adjusted to taking in large amounts of caffeine, to the point where if I only take in small amounts I have the energy equivalent of someone on a depressant.

I hate it how Innercept automatically assumes that if I am going through a harder time it must be because I am drinking too much caffeine. Innercept needs to accept the fact that they have no clue when it comes to my life. Just leave me alone. That's what I think.

My Teachings On Sexuality

So I've been ruminating more than usual for the past few days. One of the things I was thinking about is sexuality, and how for some reason, I just seem to understand sexuality better than other people. I often find myself thinking this.

For example, one time I was reading an article in a magazine about a girl whose neighbor secretly filmed her while she was changing and stuff. At the end of the article, she said that if you want to see girls naked, buy porn, don't film your neighbor. Now, for the record, I'm no voyeur. But I was reading this and thinking, "well duh... the thing that is attractive about voyeurism to voyeurs is the idea that whomever they are watching doesn't know they are being watched." It's just common sense, man.

So anyway, I find that as a society we are still unfortunately stuck on trying to accept people who are gay. But the truth is, no one chooses their sexuality and what they are into. But they have a choice in what activities they partake in.

But back to to homosexuality. The truth is, biologically, the purpose of sex is reproduction. Obviously! It does this in two ways: the more obvious way is that it makes women pregnant, the less obvious way is that it strengthens the bond between the parents who are raising the kid. But, for whatever reason, some people are gay. There are some people on this planet who seem to think the Earth is dangerously underpopulated, so we need everyone to be straight to churn out enough kids.

Gay people are lucky in away, compared to some people, in that they can still have satisfying sexual relationships without hurting anyone. Some people are attracted to children. This is not a choice. It's not their fault. Why would anyone want to be attracted to children? But if you are a pedophile, you just have to accept that you are never going to have a satisfying sex life. It's like having a disability. Same goes for people who want to have sex with animals.

And, I know that being attracted to things like sex with children or sex with animals seems wrong. I'm not saying it isn't wrong. That's exactly why it is attractive to some people, it's the wrong factor of it. It's a mistake in the way they are wired. At least, that's how I see it.

The way I see it, gay people are probably born that way. Actually, I heard once that there is a gene that gay people commonly have, but some straight people have it too and it appears to be due to environmental factors whether or not that gene is expressed. People with sexual deviations probably developed that way, it could be due to sexual abuse when they are young or something else. People can be aroused due to sensory input, usually visual, or they can be aroused due to emotions. With gay people, my theory is, it has more to do with how they react to sensory input. With people with sexual deviation, it is how they react to certain emotions. Most people respond at least a bit to both, I think. People respond to certain facial expressions, if they remind them of an orgasm face, and this is actually an emotional reaction. See, I used to read about sexual deviations on the internet. I learned about the sneezing fetish. At first the idea of a sneezing fetish didn't make any sense to me. Then I read the article about it, and it has to do with the fact that people make a weird face when they momentarily lose control and it can remind people of an orgasm. The desire to rape people is emotional, because they are turned on by the sense of power they get over another person. People can also be turned on by things that seem wrong, like I already mentioned, or things that seem completely gross. For whatever reason, they are just wired that way.

This concludes my teachings for today on sexuality.

Censoring Yourself

Something happened last weekend that was a big deal. Yet, after careful consideration, I've decided that it's probably best that I don't talk about it on the internet. Because future employers might google me, and I know that if you google "Rachel Zuhl" my blog will pop right up. And that's perfectly fine with me. Because the way I see it, I google people if I want information on them. So I return the favor. You want information on me, google me and I'll give you a window into my inner thoughts. I'm nice like that.

By the way, it just started today where I've been feeling pretty strange. I feel that I'm on the verge, and that this future employer nonsense won't even matter in the not so distant future. And I see the avenues through which these things could manifest. But, for now, it still does matter. So I have to go about pretending like I don't make mistakes.

That's what I hate about this society. It's a society of secrets. You can't let others know about your drug-induced mishaps or about your secret sexual side. I would imagine that it's common to have a dark secret sexual side, whatever that may entail. The thing is, spirits that watch you, they know what's on your mind. They know what you're thinking. There are no secrets. Should you be embarrassed? No! Because they don't judge. That's how our society should be, I think. Not that you should tell everyone everything. But if things get exposed, don't judge. It wouldn't be so shocking if you realized how common these things are.

Bottom line is, I'm a moral person. I don't steal, cheat, or lie for the most part. I'm accepting of most different types of people. But if I do something and I'm not hurting anyone else, I don't see it as wrong. Because it's my life, and I make my own decisions.

Faith: I Figured it Out

So I go to a bible study every Tuesday. I find these people at this bible study very interesting. I go every single Tuesday, and because of this I am praised by them for my "great faith." Of course, they don't know that I actually don't believe in faith. Though, I'm pretty sure I know what would happen if I told them what I really believe. They would still welcome me there, but the whole bible study would take on an exceptionally preachy tone, because they would be trying to "save" me.

The whole idea of faith is something I never really thought about until certain delusional things happened to me. I realized there is nothing really good about having faith. But I think I may have figured it out yesterday. In order to be Christian, you have to believe that your thinking processes, logic, and judgment is worth absolutely nothing, compared to that of God. There is no way us mere humans can understand God.

Take the whole idea of Jesus dying for our sins. Why did that have to happen? I mean God created us, didn't He know we were going to sin? It seems like it sort of caught Him off guard. I think He set Adam and Eve up. But anyway, my understanding is, that act in the Garden of Eden set humans up for a tendency towards sin.

But why? Why did God design it that way? It seems to me that if God were truly the only god, He would have designed all the rules of the universe. Are there some things that are out of His control? Is there some other god above him? No, the bible says that this god is the only god. It seems to me that God doesn't have as much power as He claims to have. Someone is lying here.

And then for some reason, you have to be sinless to get into heaven. Unless, of course, someone sinless dies for your sins, and then you believe in that person. Same thing I said before, if God truly makes the rules, He could have designed it any way He wanted to.

It seems to me that is foolish to believe everything you hear. Especially when you hear stuff that doesn't make any sense, like the stuff I just mentioned. But if you don't believe this particular far-out crazy story, you are damned for all eternity because you don't have faith. This makes no sense to me. But, I am merely human. All this, of course, makes sense to God. And I should just accept that my own thoughts are worth nothing, any conclusion I come to using my own judgment is probably wrong, and that my brain isn't worth a damn thing. So that's where faith comes in.

The End.