The Rational vs. the Emotional

There was a time when I wanted to become a philosopher, for whatever reason. I was volunteering at the Humane Society, so I would walk a dog, then sit at the table inside and write. I would sit in the closet at the house and write. That was back in the wonderful day of Geodon. When I say wonderful, I am being sarcastic. The reason I mention it is because the Geodon would make me cycle bipolarly. I would write about how I was supposed to see the truth when how I felt about things would change so much. How are we supposed to know the truth when how we feel about things is the result of chemicals?

You are supposed to think logically and rationally about things, not emotionally. Still, I found it impossible to separate how I felt about something from logic. I don't know if you even can. I mean people might claim to, but if you feel certain about something, it seems to me that that certainty is an emotion. Everything you experience is colored by emotions. At least, that's how it seems to me.

My belief in spirits started out as something that wasn't backed up by anything rational. Actually, it kind of was, but that's besides the point. The point is that it felt to me like spirits existed and watched over me, and I had been previously unaware of it, but the spirits were okay with the fact that I didn't believe in them, they were still there for me. Later, the spirits' role in my life became something I couldn't ignore.

But I think in general, people often feel too certain of things. A healthy dose of doubt is a good thing. It causes you to question, and questioning is good. Always question everything. However, this constant questioning leaves you lost and groundless. There are somethings I hate questioning. I hate questioning my own judgment and conclusions/ability to think rationally and my memory. The idea that I can't trust my own memory scares the shit out of me. So most of the time, I don't question these things.

I had a dream about my mom awhile ago. It was about my mental illness. I asked her if she could try to see it from my perspective, to consider what I was telling her, and she said no. She had already made up her mind, and there was nothing I could do to change that.