I Love You

I have errors in my reasoning sometimes. This is a known problem. The thing about that is, if you point out one reasoning error, like this right here, it may have been a reasoning error or you might have had some problem in the way you think due to past meth use.. Or social isolation, intense excruciating stress, unusual human circumstances, etc. Is it humanly possible for one person to do this mission? Yes, but you look out for problems, like when you think Donald Trump is talking to you while watching television. Consciously, I mean. He missed the debate, my dad put cameras up here, and Donald Trump can talk to you telepathically, yes you are losing it then. Realize this, take a breather, stand up, brush yourself, take a break at the hospital for the love of God if it helps the problem... This structure of beliefs, which is my faith, there is always something else REAL and IMPOSSIBLE TO REASON AWAY that comes up. Things like... Eminem Death Note is the one I use as an anchor, not that it is THE ONLY THING. There are other things, too. Lots and lots. Well, you can always go back to the day you were walking to the gym with low blood sugar because of trying to lose weight, not a lot of patience, flipping because my iPhone's sound won't adjust due to some perhaps required feature now that it has a Nazi guard attitude about constantly turning the music DOWN... Actually, that was what I was trying to do then was the thing, turn my music down... I'm not a perfectionist on Facebook, either. I think people can handle nonsensical posts and way too many selfies, sometimes I think it might be a good thing to tone down the selfie situation anyway, though. Anyway... Get to the gym, refuel, work out as much as my body can handle at that point in time... I am in a relaxed mood as I leave. There it is on the sidewalk. "Temper Tantrum Zone." And a guy holding a "Trust Jesus" sign. I didn't take a picture though. Why? This attitude I have, these things happen every single second (and at that time there were lots of things), but when I went back later it still said "temper tantrum zone." Being accused of throwing a tantrum? Actually, I don't care what a stranger thinks, this situation was aggravating because my brain WORKS DIFFERENTLY THAN OTHER PEOPLES. Music is life force. If I have to mess around with my music all the time... or if it's fucking up... I get annoyed, not a hang up of mine, not wimpy or weird especially since I had maybe 400 calories that morning, which might seem like enough for some, but no not for me... I have to eat a lot. Yep, I eat a lot, sometimes. I eat like a champ, yes. Food is not an obsession of mine though, just pointing that out, for the sad hearted and wimpy people who can't seem to accept that, or whatever, don't take that personally okay. And that's it. But why didn't I take a picture? It happens all the time, someone takes me seriously in this regard, or there is a strange sign. This guy meant me harm. I don't know what kind of harm, but he was trying to upset me, whoever the fuck this low life is, but I'm not trying to be mean okay, I'm glad that guy did that. SOMEONE believes you, Rachel, yeah you are Babylon, not Jesus. And you keep acting like a fucking authority Rachel, geez, why would we trust BABYLON? Anyway, this guy here, believes I am Babylon, and I live another day because I got validation from someone. Some might wonder, well that guy is cray cray, obviously... A thought, not pretending to know, what is this guys belief system? "Well, at least I recognize that Jesus was great and I wouldn't compare myself to him." That's not a direct quote, just a thought... And to end this discussion, I will point out that George W Bush has been living in the Bible every single day of his presidency. I don't get mean inside my own mind, until every single person in my life treats me like a piece of shit and no one is left. We wait a second, no nothing has changed, but we brush ourselves off because that experience didn't last very long at all, and move on. Like George, I have been living in the Bible every single day of my life, see. And that's that. So, at least I'm making sense to SOMEONE here. Why the hell are you, random sign waver? How the hell do you know who I am? That's reassuring, actually, that sometimes random people know who I am, and believe me about being a religious figure... You're a bad religious figure though, phh, I don't care. I know I am in a good place with God, and that is not a hang up of mine, right now, when I am torn inside out be stress, I sometimes apologize profusely for calling someone who lost their son to suicide the "Suicide Couple." I was just torn apart and blown away by the irony in THAT situation... In retrospect... MAYBE THAT'S NOT AN OKAY THING TO SAY, NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what, you do not say that. And that's why I apologize. Talking to Jason, he says one second, I can handle sexual banter, next second, no don't worry about the other stuff, RIGHT NOW I'm talking about the sexual stuff you said to me. Which... I'm playing a game of living in la la land and pretending that was all me, SEE? Isn't that brilliant? OH GOD... I HATE how I had to have some sort of rampant sexual desire for this man, all of a sudden, out of the blue, against my permission. Right, you couldn't do anything at all about that, could you? HAHA... Yes you could... Ha... You couldn't scream loud enough to get them to stop getting them to send you sexual wooing energy? Exactomondo! If I couldn't scream loud enough and I was attempting suicide to get out of the fucking harrassment situation, all the fucking weirdo shit I had to deal with, the one I remember the most is the hatred energy they were sending that was wearing holes in my aura, but oh GOD, I don't even want to point out, I don't want to think about, I don't remember for real what else they were doing because I didn't want to... Yes, Jason, they would cut me slack THERE, at the sexual wooing energy, but not at the other miscellaneous harassment situations. That's faulty reasoning on your part, just pointing that out, and no, my story never changed here. Anyway... I don't hate you either, actually, however I feel about you, there is something wrong with you. Circumstantial. You lost your son to suicide and there is some sort of social situation going on in your life I don't have full facts about, I imagine everyone is telling you that I lie, and then I am supposed to know I lie because YOU said so, and I'm supposed to trust your opinion over mine, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RACHEL STAB THEM WITH THE SWORD OR JUST TELL THEM TO GET LOST... Actually, no that doesn't work. And no that doesn't work. And no that doesn't work. I tried as hard as I possibly could recently, and no no no that doesn't work, they are still harassing me. What else? Jason wants to be paid back for the horrors of our friendship by being comforted by the knowledge that THAT WOMAN wanted him for the rest of her life. Actually... You know... You gained a bunch of weight didn't you? Ha ha, so there's that, I like men sometimes who... You know where I'm going with that so I'm going to be quiet. Also, I have lost so much respect for you that the idea of sucking your you know what is obnoxious to me now. Right now. Yes, yes, yes.... Heard THAT before, huh? Actually, if we plot my desire for you on a graph, quantifying the amount of desire from moment to moment, overall the desire seems to be rapidly declining. You are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life, and no being selfish is not a turn on. And yes, at times, it's interesting listening to the "Silia self," talk about you and what kind of unsavory treats she finds appealing in you. These are the things that bring him back to me, see. You just can't change that guy, without elaborating on what I am talking about, you will never know what that conversation is. So what's going on now? We are waiting for the energy to dissipate... They lie for a reason... Yep... Why the hell did you start talking to me again all of a sudden? You are not as smart as me, but you have intelligence traits and other miscellaneous sorts of traits on me... "Well, if you're so smart, how did you get yourself into this hole of a mess?" Yeah... Not a question that bothers me. Anyway... I know, and I know, and I know, something will happen now to distract me from the whole Jason debacle. The right issue, a person, SOMETHING, will come at the right time, or SOMETHING... THERE WILL BE A SAVING GRACE TO DISTRACT ME FROM THIS SITUATION... Yep... And we go back to faith, I sincerely doubt the spirit world is in such utter chaos that they would allow some spirits to be ruining my life from a young age. Can't argue I was wimpy for not talking in school, I understand that situation in retrospect and you can't convince me otherwise... Wow, this soundtrack, geez... Gettting me worked up and overstimulated... Anyway, so what happened at some point, back to the sign waver... It wasn't a memory confabulation, I went back and it said that on the sidewalk. And yes Jason, weak minds have trouble understanding that my parents edit and add/subtract/juxtapose facts and myths every which way, so in MY situation, yes Jason, it helps to ask if they can give a specific example or if they remember when. Didn't I tell you about the ketchup debacle? There are situations that come out of left field... Like my parents telling the prescriber that for awhile I only ate ketchup. No, that didn't happen. It came out of thin air. Just like... "That one time in Downtown Portland" Oh God, we don't even want to think about that one time in downtown Portland! There wasn't any sort of obnoxious incident in downtown Portland, the only thing that comes up is that one time, right after I left Innercept and I wasn't used to the bus system, my dad had to pick me up from downtown Portland because I was out past when the busses ran, or so I thought, so he picked me up. The other thing that comes up... And my dad shudders... One time I was talking to him on the phone, and there was a misunderstanding about where I was. I was at the Expo Center, and he thought I was at the convention center, or SOMETHING... And it was oh so scary, that Rachel didn't know where she was. AND I ADMIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE MISUNDERSTANDING WAS HERE. I don't remember this incident all that well, because a lot of things happen in my life, and I probably didn't think it was all that interesting. There was a misunderstanding about where I was? Now, did I miscommunicate, or did he misunderstand? I am not making any claims either way. But I am wondering, for the love of God, when I was a teenager, I hung out in the house, on my computer, every single fucking day. Usually. I didn't wander around tow, like other people may have. So, for the love of GOD, why is it so fucking scary that I might not know the Portland area as well as you, if that's even what the mistake was there, which it may or may not have been? The other thing... My mom remembers me saying, "I don't want to be batshit crazy." And she tries to hold this against me (there you go again RACHEL, bitching and moaning about your parents...). What was the situation? She brings it up, I told her that never happened because that's NEVER been my opinion on the situation, I LIVE AND BREATHE for altered states and excitement, fuck it if there was a delusional issue, we can throw it out like rice and we come right back down quick, which is the difference now between before Innercept and after Innercept altered states. In the states before Innercept, they ended with suicide attempts. NOW, we throw situations out like rice. And... My mom tried to point at me and say, "I don't want to be batshit crazy..." No, didn't say that Beev... And... The word "plot hole" is too tough of a word for her to remember, she has to right it down. Why? To point it out to Anne. WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK ANNE WILL FIND THAT INTERESTING, BEEV? WHY? You know, it strikes me, almost as a given that I would say that. Wooh... Plot holes... WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THAT IS AN INTERESTING COMMENT, BEEV? WHY? Whisper... Whisper... Whisper... And BREATHE. It said that on the sidewalk later, too. I went back, it still said "temper tantrum zone." Wasn't a memory confabulation. It was there later. Thank you, random Jesus freak. Yes, Jesus was good dude. I'm glad you recognize that it is possible to have a wonderful person. It's nice that you recognize that Jesus was good. I don't know if you are following me on this thought process... So la di da... We end the discussion. Could have saved my life, sign waver. There are other reasoning things too here, still haven't pointed every single thing out. Actually, I didn't want anyone to know my location at this point. I don't want people to know which city I am living in. And that... Is why I didn't want to... Who the hell would go there anyway? It didn't say Temper tantrum Zone on the ground on the way into the gym though, I remember the moment walking by that piece of sidewalk. I just remember thinking about how I walked that direction, sometimes I cut across the parking lot. And there were people in the parking lot so I didn't. Anyway...