Kickin' off the Kick Stand

Getting rid of the training wheels... It comes up, in my world, with certain things... My reasoning. Do I think in a language that no one else understands? Basic language of logic and reasoning, because whenever I'm making sense, my mom tells me I'm not. Well, I know better, plus the fact that I never make sense to anyone on Facebook... Actually, hold that thought and whatever comes up with it, I intend to actually go back and LOOK at the situation in a second. I'm sure it's some sort of modge-podge mixed blessing, at times I may have left people wondering what the fuck I was talking about, I know, okay. Anyway... You get rid of the little leaning tier of Jason's confirmed reasoning in me, which came up notably at times, not with everything, and that was fine. He comes back, says hey you have a mental illness, not mysticism... Or... Accuses me of this, this, and... I was trying to listen, and I was, and I broke down and got suicidal of course... More willing to change than anything though, is the thing. However, you got to me kidding me, what is your fucking point in talking to me anyway? Seems kind of like it is to bring me down further, or taunt me about how I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, IN ALL HONESTY NOT KIDDING NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN. Very seriously, that was what I was left thinking about the situation. It gets to the point, you are hearing what you want to hear, you want to bring me down, you want to make me feel bad about myself, and that was your entire goal in talking to me anyway. And how much do you think I respect you? I have respect for you, in some regards, but it comes up there are things that would normally make a person angry that he said that I let slide because I don't have all that high of standards for his behavior anyway. He is the juxtaposed kickstand, which you kick off right here! Tada! And after wallowing, vowing to take your own life, no matter how hard that might be... It comes up that this is "dizziness" or disorientation from having the kickstand jarringly pushed away, and now I am trusting my OWN reasoning and I am on my OWN feet. I know my own heart here, like I told the guy at Providence who told me I had attitude, my attitude there was with someone else, my personal belief was that he internalized that because he was insecure about being gay but I let that issue slide in a heartbeat... haha, I have no problem with gays by the way I know it makes people uncomfortable, this a tangent I thought was interesting. Anyway... So, for awhile I was teetering here, it didn't take long before it occurred to me, that guy made no sense whatsoever. I was listening to him about calling out my parents on everything online, seems like I should adjust that to keeping it to the memoir, not all over the internet anymore. You could internalize it and act like it's a personal problem that I would do that to begin with... Actually, like I said it's an exposee, but everyone needs feedback from others every once in awhile to keep themselves in line, or on track, or seeming rational and reasonable. And I don't like saying, or having an attide about, or making a bold statement that I DO NOT have a mental illness either, define rational, sometimes I'm not completely rational, it's not schizoaffective disorder but saying that at all doesn't accomplish anything. Depression is a mental illness, suicidal ideations probably indicates some sort of mental illness no matter what, and what the hell is wrong with a mental illness anyway? Doesn't matter either way, what you say, so define mental illness. So, my point is, I was trying as hard as I could to listen, I was trying as hard as I could to concede, but he wasn't making any sense, and so you kick off that confirmed reasoning issue, because you know humans like to have their own reasoning confirmed by other humans, ALWAYS, no exceptions... But you get to this point, I'm making more sense than he is or anyone else to myself right now. Have a problem with this? For the love of God, clearly talk to me and state your issue. Please. I don't think there is a problem, just pointing this out. So? I have recovered from the Jason-induced suicidal ideations and intent, and yeah, in retrospect, the hospital was a good idea actually. And.... Back on track, on top, thinking I might actually be getting enlightened right now. What's the problem? Not wishing others harm, obviously, that's obvious to me that's never issue. What's the issue now? You are supposed to be sacrificing yourself for others right now, and always Rachel, GEEZ, it's always YOU YOU YOU all the time... Thank you, Bill O'Reilly, a person who entered my head randomly right at this moment. Thank you. (not consciously sure of the relevance)