Virtue, Apathy, Professor Chaos

 I’m thinking it was the devil that influenced me to attack my mom. Which sucks... does that mean people stop trusting me?

There’s a situation where, I was told previously it influences it to say it out loud, but... being unfairly discriminated against for lack of good is a classic way to grow in special good traits. In a past life, I killed a young girl I was teaching accidentally by putting my hand over my mouth to shush her... it was on another “plane,” meaning not on Earth, I don’t think you could do that on Earth... there’s actually some stuff to say about why I believe this story, some stuff that was past life regressions... horrible lifetime but apparently I grew in virtue. Not a very good judge of my character, so in turn you try to make up for it by being extra good. Matthew and Phillip both have special good traits (old roommates), Matthew has grown in one just this lifetime, could be virtue.

I’m not someone who goes out of my way to be helpful, not something I was taught to... I never try to make people feel bad, and I try to be nice even in my own mind... of course, this is something I was told based on my psychic experiences that other people do. And I’m sure it’s true of a lot of people, I’m wondering if most people do this, or if this situation was exaggerated to me... I don’t know for sure either way. I’m sure the paranormal stuff in my life is real, I’m just wondering what my guide’s deal is, and if they intended to ruin my life. It makes me embarrassed to think belittling thoughts of other people, so I simply don’t do it. I don’t usually think things of other people I would be embarrassed to tell them. The reason I’m talking about this, there’s a situation that can happen where you make contact with a spirit and they tell you you are a “special soul...” However, them telling me this didn’t make me feel superior to others. When they have me be cognizant of my own thoughts, I never catch myself thinking anything mean. I was told, the number one reason people hate themselves, is because they get caught up in nasty thought processes about people they actually like. I’m not down on myself ever. No beating up of others, no beating up of myself. In group in the hospital, I say compassion for the daily theme in goals group, and they change it to self-compassion. Actually, I meant compassion.

Thing is, I’m feeling apathetic and indifferent, because I am crying on the inside because I am in so much pain.

I think I have virtue they may have exaggerated. I also think I’m starting to turn Professor Chaos... I’ve been nothing but fucked over my entire life.