Virtue, Apathy, Professor Chaos

 I’m thinking it was the devil that influenced me to attack my mom. Which sucks... does that mean people stop trusting me?

There’s a situation where, I was told previously it influences it to say it out loud, but... being unfairly discriminated against for lack of good is a classic way to grow in special good traits. In a past life, I killed a young girl I was teaching accidentally by putting my hand over my mouth to shush her... it was on another “plane,” meaning not on Earth, I don’t think you could do that on Earth... there’s actually some stuff to say about why I believe this story, some stuff that was past life regressions... horrible lifetime but apparently I grew in virtue. Not a very good judge of my character, so in turn you try to make up for it by being extra good. Matthew and Phillip both have special good traits (old roommates), Matthew has grown in one just this lifetime, could be virtue.

I’m not someone who goes out of my way to be helpful, not something I was taught to... I never try to make people feel bad, and I try to be nice even in my own mind... of course, this is something I was told based on my psychic experiences that other people do. And I’m sure it’s true of a lot of people, I’m wondering if most people do this, or if this situation was exaggerated to me... I don’t know for sure either way. I’m sure the paranormal stuff in my life is real, I’m just wondering what my guide’s deal is, and if they intended to ruin my life. It makes me embarrassed to think belittling thoughts of other people, so I simply don’t do it. I don’t usually think things of other people I would be embarrassed to tell them. The reason I’m talking about this, there’s a situation that can happen where you make contact with a spirit and they tell you you are a “special soul...” However, them telling me this didn’t make me feel superior to others. When they have me be cognizant of my own thoughts, I never catch myself thinking anything mean. I was told, the number one reason people hate themselves, is because they get caught up in nasty thought processes about people they actually like. I’m not down on myself ever. No beating up of others, no beating up of myself. In group in the hospital, I say compassion for the daily theme in goals group, and they change it to self-compassion. Actually, I meant compassion.

Thing is, I’m feeling apathetic and indifferent, because I am crying on the inside because I am in so much pain.

I think I have virtue they may have exaggerated. I also think I’m starting to turn Professor Chaos... I’ve been nothing but fucked over my entire life.

Impossible Toy

 I wanted to talk about an interesting thought that occurs to me from time to time.

That’s something. I get these weird thoughts from time to time. It’s actually a folklore story, meaning written by spirits and contained in the human psyche.

There is a class, in Ancient Egypt, maybe. There is one kid who is bullied, teased, and discriminated against, even by the teacher. They have a school project, where they build a toy or something. When the kid shows the class what he created, it is something that is impossible, breaks the laws of physics, maybe a perpetual motion machine, I think of something with a bird.

The teacher and class does not act impressed. Instead, they act MAD. They start yelling at him.

This comes up, because last night someone attacked me on the spiritual plane because of my post about Eminem’s song on YouTube Death Note.

I have proof. It’s all in Rise Like Jesus, and on my computer it will show you the last edited date was before the YouTube video was released.

Yes, I feel energy that is sent to me... I am more susceptible to it because I have emotional closeness with absolutely no one.

Meds don’t help, yo.

Eminem’s Death Note: Okay I’m Still Alive

 I was trying to decide if I wanted to spoil the mystery of this song. I decided it’s probably a good idea. It’s a song that’s not available in Apple Music.

There are too many coincidences for this not to be a song Eminem wrote specifically written about me. The only thing I can think is that he knows people who work at Yahoo and they broke the rules to get my memoir series off an email I sent to Jason. I may be known to people at Facebook due to the hilarious joke profile situation in 2013, with Weird Zombie Girl and Smirkydesmirkster Atweirdzombiegirl, which went against Facebook policy even though it was perfect, and facebook shut me down without deactivating my main profile.

There was a period of time when the training from my guides got so intense I wanted out. They were here to guide me and rebuild me, and at the time (July of 2016) they were making my life a living hell because of all the horrible stuff they were doing to me, both on the job at Jimmy John’s and at home at my apartment. I wanted to get rid of them. At the same time, I was physically addicted to Ativan, and would experience horrific withdrawal symptoms if I stopped taking it. And, I was drinking heavily, with what they were doing I had to drink to endure it. One night, I woke up suddenly because I had stopped breathing. My guides said I would have died if they had not spiritually activated the part of my brain that controls breathing. After that, I kept drinking and taking Ativan, while mad at them, trusting them to spiritually keep my breathing from shutting off. That’s the “okay I’m still alive.”

A couple other things, maybe self-explanatory, during this ordeal my parents contacted me, I was caught not taking my meds, which is the part about having the doc on the phone. At innercept, the meds also destroyed my beautiful hair, it was Geodon, but by that times the health of my hair had returned and it was growing back.

“All Shady is is a bottle of hair bleach and vodka.” Vodka was what I was drinking. “Fuck this mirror!” It’s a joke about how I started turning my mirror around at some point, because I started liking my appearance and admiring myself in the mirror, boosting ego, which was bad.

There’s this situation about Kira, I know Kira is a character in Death Note the anime series (I haven’t actually seen it). However, there was a girl at Innercept named Kira early on who let’s just say was doing terribly, she added everyone from innercept on Facebook and she had smart, entertaining posts and I would think about her everyday I left work, as a happy successful treatment story.

Also, Death Note is the perfect mysterious title for this situation.

I don’t know what the Death Note anime series is, or if it fits this scenario, but I thought it was too perfect. Especially since that’s not the only thing Eminem has done that was suspicious.

Edit: I watched it again. I forgot how there’s the line, “isn’t that us on that poster?” (I had a Kurt Cobain and a Beatles poster, I have pictures of my room online)

“Ribbon Ruined It”

 Right now I am fighting with existentialism, and I am thinking of my spirit guides. There is no doubt that they exist, okay.

I get annoyed because my sister Kristen fails at documentary making and interviewing, in particular. She has this little YouTube thing going on, every once in awhile she does a segment on me. I don’t approve of it, we take funny footage sometimes but when I look at it she left the funny part out, when I actually look at it... I avoid looking at it because it puts me in a bad space whenever I do.

Anyway, there was a part where she asked... “how do you get there? To obeying your guides when they tell you to do things?” YOU ASKED A LOADED QUESTION KRISTEN... at least let me respond! But no, she is trying to paint me as a crazy lunatic, it was a rhetorical question.

They have been talking to me since I was six, on a subconscious level. Thats when I started being depressed. That’s because they kept telling me they were going to ruin my life, and that I had a hard life ahead of me. But, the good news is, you’ll be skinny. At a horrible price. Around this time, I had dreams about my teeth falling out. That’s because on a subconscious level, I guessed I would have headgear.

On a conscious level, at six years old, I started worrying about how hard life is, and that I would be homeless as an adult.

However, what was done was done... as an adult, 27, when I first started talking to my guides, they put on an elaborate show to gain my trust... Fixing my long term Adderall problem, and much much more...

One thing they did, they brought up a nonsensical nursery rhyme I was wondering about and asked my sister about as a child, one the music teacher at school taught us... “Lucy Locket lost her pocket, Kitty Fisher found it, not a penny was there in it, only ribbon... round it?” Was it really round it?

“We think it was, ‘only ribbon ruined it.’”

Do you really think that?

No, but you didn’t think of that, did you?

They brought up a long time later, that was one of the psychological tricks they used, pretending to be interested in some random thing I was thinking about a long time ago. Something that wasn’t even significant enough to make the book... and there was stuff like this for the entire summer of 2014, and onward...

Anyway, book spoiler: not Jesus, whore of Babylon. “Drunk on the blood of martyrs” seems pretty fitting.

Anyway, so I did this, drugs, and I wouldn’t have done it unless I got my guide’s permission... they told me, more coricidan, more alcohol... I got biochemical damage from coricidan, and they eventually fixed it...

I do accurate psychic readings for people. I mean, I get good responses and I get recommended to friends/family consistently.

I was sort of expecting a better first couple of days book sales, if what I was thinking was accurate.

Of course, as we say here, people are “busy Lizzie.” Maybe currently reading something else, maybe, gasp, not going on Facebook... so I should probably give it at least a month before drawing any conclusions.

For now, hanging in there.

Party Like Jesus: Available on Amazon!

 I published the first installment in the Like Jesus series yesterday! A tale of mysticism, spirits, spiritual awakening, and waking up to the horrors of climate change. We learn that when God speaks, He speaks quietly: through a quiet girl and a girl’s death on a water slide in Waterworld swim park in Concord, California in 1997. This is a real incident that made national news, when a graduation high school class ignored the science and clogged the water slide together, as it was a school tradition - previously done at a different water park where the structure of the water slides were capable of withstanding it.

This book is about my mental illness diagnosis, my struggle with the evils of psychiatry, and guardianships- plus the artistic nature of mysticism. Sometimes, treatment makes the problem worse.

However, it depends on your treatment goal. “Getting better” always sounded a lot like “finding Jesus” to me...

Altered states are fun, and so is my first memoir, while at the same time covering some pretty serious topics, including suicide, selective mutism, and long term amphetamine (Adderall) biochemical damage.

Global warming messiah, or false Christ? A true story of mysticism..,

Search “Party Like Jesus” or “Rachel Zuhl” on Amazon.

My Brain and Music Cognition

 Today I wanted to talk more about my childhood and my brain and music. I was a very late bloomer when it comes to music appreciation. I remember that was one of the questions I asked my mom during the terrible twos, why do people listen to music? I remember my parents playing a Christmas album for me in my crib at night and the songs Do you see what I see? and Winter Wonderland scared me (along with the little noise of the musician releasing the guitar string).

Actually, I didn’t start developing adult music appreciation until around fourth grade or later. I remember riding in the car for our commute to a new school, realizing that some of the songs made me feel “cool.” Listening to music with my friends as a kid didn’t do it. Still, there was an Amanda Marshall album we listened to all the time then, that when listening to the songs now, even though I heard them all the time then, does not bring me back to that time period. I figure it is because even in fourth grade, my music appreciation was still underdeveloped.

A song I pointed out to my friends I liked before I moved (absence of peer pressure), Vibeology by Paula Abdul, I downloaded recently and is still a song I think is alright, probably the best one by her. I listened to what my sister listened to, that’s why I talk about peer pressure.

I played violin starting in 3rd grade, and was in orchestra starting in 4th. I always played second violin, even though I was quite talented, talented enough to play first. I stopped practicing and that held back my performance. My guides say this taught me harmonies and improved my music composition skills. I wouldn’t be a good violinist as an adult, because I have a minor undiagnosed muscular condition that makes me incapable of vibrato.

I have a brain that isn’t as good at writing fiction, and learning foreign languages, and Rubik’s cubes. Good at everything else.

Providence Hospital: Deplete Nutrients, Over-Medicate, Repeat, Now Sit In the Corner and Hold Your Head Steady With Little to No Dopamine in Your System for Another Three Weeks

 So, what has my care been like at Providence Hospital?

First of all, I asked to switch doctors after Dr. Ruiz said people who like meth shouldn’t be drinking caffeine because they are similar. They both work on dopamine. If you have a problem liking dopamine, it might mean you have a deficiency that’s ok to self-medicate with a legal socially acceptable substance, dummy.

So, on to Dr. Moses Ijaz.

Well, before that, what are we doing here, anyway? I’ll tell you what. We are trying to deprive Rachel’s brain of dopamine, to break her down!

So, we reduce coffee to one cup a day. Check. Haldol shots, which reduce dopamine. Check. Depakote, same thing, check. No sunlight, reduced nicotine, nutrient depleted meals (compared to the large portions of salmon, spinach, and other vegetables that Rachel is used to).

Check and mate.

When Rachel breaks down... what does she have as far as prns (medication taken as needed)? Haldol, other dopamine blocker, other dopamine blocker... and an antihistamine that doesn’t do anything. Meds that act on GABA, which would at least mask the problem, are FORBIDDEN. Unless she breaks down and screams. Then, shot of Ativan and the dopamine blocker Haldol. AT THE SAME TIME DAMMIT. No Haldol? No Ativan(of course, this isn’t an option either).

What else? No activities... sit in your room and stare at a wall.

No contact with friends. No normal clothing, just dumb scrubs.

Wash, rinse, repeat... You break down? Another long acting shot of Haldol... and wait another three weeks before you are out of here. 

And QUIET! Don’t tell them you are suicidal they’ll make you stay longer! They might even make you eat without a fork!

No vitamins, just dopamine reducers... and we will give you your Strattera when you have been stable for sixth months, even though that will help the problem immediately.

Ladies and gentleman, this is our mental health care system.

Party On, Party-goers!

 “Party on, party-goers” is a phrase I repeat all the time, randomly, during private conversations with Ian

This situation... there’s a situation where, I have a million dollars sitting on my hard drive, in the form of a kick-ass memoir series.

Problem is... is there a problem at all? I’m not sure about marketing... and I haven’t done much in the form of beta reading. People at Innercept who have read the first part of Party say it’s great. I’m sort of worried I will lose people with the depressing part, which is probably irrational... you probably don’t walk into this reading situation expecting a picnic, it is a memoir after all. Also, I’m marketing it as a memoir on mysticism... I’m worried people will be like, don’t read it, she’s in denial about having a mental illness... oh, Kundalini.

I have written six books, so far. The thing that is impressive to me, each book has a worthy sequel. Meaning, the book after it is better, until we get to the fifth Rise Like Jesus, where the one after it, Touch Like Jesus, isn’t actually better but it is definitely still very good.

I also plan on leaving behind notes on the visuals and stuff, in case it gets made into movies.

The person who read the first four, Jason, said “I hope to have played at least a small role in the lives of the people who are going to be the most influential...”

If Jason ever decides to write to me again, I promise I won’t flirt, use hearts, or X’s and O’s. Just like old times.

I am thinking about also releasing Trip Like Jesus soon.

I had a dream that this family called the Certmeyers, invited me into their home. They had a Powerball ball machine.

This was after a dream about Bible study in Coeur D’Alene. I was explaining to them the difference between Buddhism and Christianity... in Christianity you see yourself as inferior to Jesus and God. In Buddhism, there is simply no ranking system, but the kind of people who seek out enlightenment have a lot going for them, as I would say, soul trait-wise. It comes up that, you are already good and that should be good enough.

The lady at the Certmeyer house, told me it was time to go home when I was trying to take a picture of the inside of their house, because the situation was too good to be true and I wanted to have some sort of souvenir for later, but the camera on my phone didn’t work.

Alcohol: Life Without It, the Final Frontier

 What does alcohol do for me? Makes me forget my troubles, and then I fall asleep. Every single time.

Is forgetting your problems the final frontier?

Or is forgetting to drink the booze?

We, in the Rachel Zuhl experience, would like to be productive. For awhile, it was about drunken Facebook statuses. As the appeal of that wears thin, as in retrospect they appear goofy... well, what else can you accomplish, while boozing? Mopey blogs. Mopey emails. Mopey text messages. Facebook statuses, lamenting that people should be granted the right to end their own lives... sleepy time... what is accomplished? Nothing!

“As a new memoirist, I would like to be coherent and respectable,” Rachel Zuhl says. “None of that, you are slurring your speech so much I can hardly make out your words.”

On top of that, she has recovered from cravings/withdrawals, while at the hospital.

“Not even one drink,” Rachel Zuhl says. “I need to set an example that if you have a problem, not even a sip every now and again.”

Rachel then wonders what the deja by she experienced just now meant.