The Maturity that Comes With Being in Charge of Saving the Planet

 It has come to my attention, through supernatural means... there is something weird about the way the way my mom in particular talks about me, when I’m not around, that makes some family members want to punch her in the face . “She adds details that we make character judgments of Rachel from. Based on added details that she made up.”

I remember one example of this.... and I only know about it because I read her email. It was around the time I left Innercept, I was sent to stabilization (the little cabin in the middle of nowhere). I was angry at this situation where I was forced to be idle, as there is nothing to do at Stable. I was taking a physics class, and I had a test to study for. On a day I needed to study for the physics class, they had us rake pine needles.

In an email my mom sent someone, she said, “They forced Rachel to rake pine needles. Rachel hated every second of it.”

Actually, I didn’t say that. Nope, that was fabricated and not how I felt about it. It was actually sort of cathartic. There was a myth in my mind at the time that I had a poor work ethic, and on that day I proved to myself I actually had a good one. Why did I complain about it at all? I had a physics test to study for!

My guides also pointed out to me, your mother wanted to think you were suffering, because you dating the Scientologist was interfering with the Innercept brainwashing facility’s “You should be poisoning yourself for no reason” doctrine. She wanted to believe I hated it.

That’s all I know. What else have I witnessed? My mom’s therapist’s angry outburst when I went to see her with my mom, when my mom made a casual comment about doing paperwork. “NOW DOES THAT SOUND CONTROLLING TO YOU, RACHEL?” There must have been a lot of moping from this woman about being under appreciated, the woman who was too chicken to pull me from the treatment center that was poisoning me with Geodon, and I’m supposed to have sympathy for her emotional issue regarding money after they stuck with that place and wasted all their money on it.

That’s why, you know, I get worried when my new doctor raves about how much he LOVES my parents. There are a lot of other people I consider much nicer than my parents, not that my parents are actually FAKE... my mom has a way of wearing her kindness on her sleeve, and that’s a trait that comes back to bite and leads to overall decline in good, not a good thing. Traits and soul tendencies are complex. My mom has a tendency to mope and worry, and sometimes that’s her way of being caring. It’s not real caring, moping about how someone else (maybe) had worse problems than you do. I don’t have any sort of self-pity myself, that is a foreign concept to me.... I don’t want someone else to do it for me.

I wanted to point out I don’t actually have enough information here, to know if it’s the same thing with Dr. Ijaz as is going on with my mom’s therapist... obviously not as bad, but I got a bad feeling from the family call. I broke down the other day and the doctor referred to it as a tantrum. That right there says bad with people. You are not good working with people. It suggests that you have bought into the immature label, and the kicker is you think it is helpful to point it out to the patient.

What happened then? Well, I get sick of the situation where I moved automatically and hurt my mom. To be honest, it’s not because I actually feel horrible about hurting her... she is not someone I like, but that is not a prudent thing to do, hurt someone, it causes serious problems. It does something weird to me psychologically when I can’t control my own body’s motions and it moves and hurts someone. In case you don’t know, it was Subbie fulfilling something in book of Revelations. In addition, I was forced to take Trileptal, which caused me to feel RAGE. When the doctor said something about my irritability, which was caused by the Trileptal, since I was adamant about wanting off it... I was very excitable, tensed up, which meant putting my hands in fists and moving a little bit forward, standing straight and I was sitting on my legs, so I had to move forward. That guy got in my face, yelling at me and leaning over the bed with his fingers in my face yelling, I didn’t catch a word he said as I had to use my power trait to immediately release that attitude, and there we go again, bad with people. That’s normally how you escalate things. We can let go of this issue, I’m not mad but it doesn’t make you look good... I said I feel threatened by him, he said well he felt threatened by me, because I put my hands in fists and moved forward. Anyway..

On top of that, they look at you, come and peak at you every fifteen minutes to make sure you aren’t hurting yourself, and ask you if you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else. They go to great lengths to keep you from having weapons, anything at all... plus I can’t do much in  here, feeling hated from the soul work my guides are doing, and no matter what I do the lunch cart guy says I have an attitude. Which indicates death, because he said that, I know my own heart I have no animosity at all towards that guy, until you accused me of having an attitude... now you got to walk away from the situation, when you are wrongly accused of having an attitude, it’s a lose/lose.... NOW I am angry at the guy, so now I really do have an attitude. I remember the time I almost had a mental breakdown, when I was sent to the hospital for being happy, after being unhappy for quite sometime... technical error, please reboot. That means, I started yelling and crying about how everyone thinks I wish them harm.

Depakote Saves the World and Jesus Lives Again!

 What’s left? Friends betray, parents dement, and decisions are strung... Do we have an answer? Clearly, the question is raised... Has Rachel gotten better in the hospital? Well yes, her hair is brushed out now... I was apparently not able to reason when I first came in... says Dr. Ijaz. Wait a second, cite examples, please?

He holds up his diploma.

Well, Rachel’s delusions have solidified, at the hospital. When she came in, she was questioning everything... the mission, the divinity of it, if anything at all about it was real. Faced with the answer... I am not Jesus, rather the Whore of Babylon... soon to reach a untimely death. Bam! SOLID DELUSIONAL SYSTEM. Where were you, Haldol? Where were you, lithium? In my system, at the time, as a matter of fact...

Well, well, well.... your thinking is better now. Your hair is brushed out.

To return beauty and luster into life, Rachel showers and removes alcohol as a fixation.

“You’ll drink again,” says Rachel’s guides. “But we are done with the beloved series of alcohol exercises.”

Dr. Ijaz decides to put Rachel on Depakote, since she is in need of further improvement.

Chance of induced mania? Zero.

When interviewed, Rachel responds, “I am not quite ready to check out from this lifetime. The world, like an oyster, remains ready to be devoured. With the new update of Depakote, I don’t see how this won’t end on a positive note.”

Saved....?????

Or is she doomed....???

“Saved.” Rachel responds. “Eventually... when I reach a natural death, no suicide... I request you cremate all remains except for my brain, whatever people want to do with that.”

Forced Rehabilitation: Wasted Time and Resources

 When someone has a drug problem.... How do they do it? That is, how do the quit using drugs and alcohol? The answer is, COMMITMENT. They have to WANT to quit using drug. Still, others say, nope.

“Quitting alcohol is so easy, it practically happens all by itself! You put them in the right environment, one geared toward RECOVERY... Put them in a COMMUNITY based around RECOVERY, pretty soon, before you know it, they start envisioning themselves sober. Pretty soon, they get excited about the new them... seeing themselves sparkling new and sober, pretty soon they start wanting it for themselves... all you got to do is put them in that alcohol free environment, and sobriety happens to them, like magic!” Said no one.

“Always remember, Innercept, and how it worked for Rachel... She was put in an environment, where the only option was drinking alone... they made sure she didn’t go out at night... after a couple bad experiences Rachel had running off and drinking alone by herself, she decided to quit drinking. When she returned back to Oregon, she made the careful decision to start drinking again, because that’s what people her age did socially, plus it is a social lubricant... nowadays, alcohol has no come down, she has (spirit) friends around while drinking... the only reason not to, after drinking for awhile, her eyes lack a twinkle.”

Why are we seeking continued treatment at all, actually? Sorry Beev, but I don’t have bipolar disorder... I don’t have mood swings. I don’t relate to bipolar stories, I do not have thinking problems.

I LIKE THE IDEAS IN MY HEAD EXACTLY THE WAY THEY ARE.

Medication doesn’t have any effect, Beev. I feel out of place around people with mental illness, like I can’t relate. They talk about problems I don’t have.

Still, I feel community is important, so I am willing to look into a place that offers community.

In short, residential treatment won’t accomplish anything, just a waste of time and money.

My Parent’s Shining Beacon of Hope, Telecare: You Lose, Go Home

 In my situation, I have been imprisoned since early 2021 in the hospital, simply because I had no where to go. Why am I here to begin with? No reason that I am aware of... I was doing just fine when they sent me here... I myself would rather not seek treatment for a suicide attempt, and die in agony... (or recover without medical attention, see June 2020) then have to be subjected to the deadening environment of the hospital. As much as I abhor this place, as much as it leads me downhill and leads me to the brink of mental breakdown (see July 2018)... there is no way of escaping the police when whatever is said (read: probably lies, the night before in January I was minding my own business on my computer) hey, don’t ask me, don’t know what was said... when I am kept out of the loop, I can’t correct fabrication or untruths... We are relying on the testimony of a guy who is a pathological liar, here.

So, being driven to the brink of mental breakdown, now.... I am trying my best to keep my head above water, as my parents cling to their “last hope” for having “their Rachel” back.... Telecare. “Rachel isn’t argumentative” is what my mom says...

Look Beev. I am no longer five years old. If you think I am acting “different” or experiencing a “ change in personality,” listen to this... YOU don’t know me. I have changed a lot in the past seven years, or past fifteen years... YOU DON’T KNOW ME. You don’t know anything about you daughter. She is a stranger. She doesn’t talk to you about anything that is important to her. You said it yourself, you think she thinks about food all the time... YEAH, RIGHT. Beev... Come on, give it up. You said yourself you were about to have a mental breakdown. Why don’t YOU check yourself in and leave me alone...

I couldn’t even focus on Star Wars, didn’t find it interesting. That’s because my life is so much more interesting. I kept waiting for it to get to the interesting part, get to the interesting part... when I realized Darth Vador destroying Princess Leia’s home planet was probably supposed to be a good part.

Let’s face it, you are never going to get the “old Rachel” back, if that was ever a real person to begin with. When you get a guardianship over your daughter, what happens to her? How does she react? Not by screaming or yelling or making a fuss, but by shutting down. I had to submit to being a second class citizen. And that’s when I began secretly hating the both of you. No more love. If I had told you every single day from day one, that I now saw you as the enemy, would you have believed me? No, because every time I said that, you would say it was the mental illness talking, not their dear sweet Rachel. The one who “isn’t argumentative.”

You don’t know me. You can lock me up to prevent me from drinking alcohol, but I am still going to drink (responsibly) when I am out of here... the only reason I got mugged, was because I was drinking outside in public... which I was doing because my roommates said no drinking in the house. And the only reason I did THAT, agree to that living arrangement, was because there was no other option... at the time I thought it was either that or the homeless shelter (which meant a mental breakdown).

What is Telecare going to accomplish? Hey, that’s what you thought Innercept would accomplish! I am perfectly fine! However, I will compromise with you and do Cedar Hills (or whatever) Outpatient Care...

And then Feether Meeke says... “We tried Craigslist and it didn’t work, you got kicked out for being DRUNK!” That was, say it with me, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE! Can you say learning experience? The lady said it was okay to get drunk, we even discussed it... she told me specifically, if you are drinking and have to puke, puke in the toilet, not the sink... The thing they were really upset about was the visitor, and I didn’t realize because I had never done this kind of living arrangement before... You have to discuss that! You have to ask, are visitors okay? I didn’t know that, and now I do! So next time, it wouldn’t happen.. Also, you need to ask abou Wifi... the reason I got drunk to begin with, was because there was nothing to do with no internet... Next time, ask about WiFi, ask if it’s okay to drink at a bar... they were worried about me going out and drinking and getting shot...

I was drinking because I was bored. Now, I have my work cut out for me! I have to finish my memoir series, and that’s a lot of work... Plus, I have some other writing I need to get done... With an online support system, like Outpatient care or some sort of spiritual support group, that will keep me busy, help me make friends and help keep me out of “trouble.”

I have no emotional problems. Oh wait, wrong... I stopped believing in love. Is therapy going to help with that?

I have previously quit using meth and Coricidan cold turkey, while off medication... No counseling required. Do not intend to use either ever again. Does that count for anything? Where do I get credit for that.

I have not relapsed on Coricidan, it had been about a year. As for the meth, the reason I was using it in the first place was because alcohol and marijuana were ineffective, due to a very broken aura that made me feel horrible all the time... Illegal stimulants were the only thing that helped the problem. A guy at Gateway offered me meth again in January, I smoked with him, the only time since May of 2020... I experience no cravings and intend to never use it again.

Doesn’t that count for something? No, you have to cut out alcohol, too, at the same time, with everything else...

Please, just let breathe...

Book of Revelations and Mental Health System Exposees: AT THE SAME TIME?!

 Yes, I am 34, with a guardianship over me. Why? Well, for starters, Disability Rights Oregon never got back to me. That’s why I feel powerless.

Clearly, after your parents get a guardianship over you, there is simply nothing you can do. You need an attorney, and simply it comes back to, Disability Rights Oregon never got back to me. I didn’t know what to do, then got caught up in a whirlwind of the paranormal, as my guides came into my life, and told me I was someone important.

It just happened so fast, was all Rachel had to say about it. One second, I’m a wannabe psychic, then the second... WHAM! Out of nowhere, a REAL one... on top of that... the ticket to understanding Rachel Zuhl’s situation, comes to understanding that Rachel felt powerless because no one was who wasn’t a psychic himself, was going to believe she wasn’t mentally ill.

The ticket to understanding the situation lies in, believe it or not, in the book of Revelations. Specifically, 17:12-17-13. And the ten horns you saw are the ten kings who have not received royal power, but they are to receive authority as kings for one hour, together with the beast. These are of one mind, and they hand their power and authority over to the beast.

That is how you get, as I have spoken of before on here, Subbie and Conscie. Two... Or how many is that? Clearly, Subbie and Conscie are not a simple diad, there are many accessible points in Rachel Zuhl’s awareness. Also, to call Subbie and Conscie but two separate entities, is a misunderstanding of the situation.

Crazy? Well, of course, the Bible does seem a little nuts... Like I said, it takes a man who is a psychic, to understand that Rachel hasn’t completely lost her marbles.

But besides that, it takes speech to access Subbie, most of the time... spoken out loud, through an avenue that usually accomodates conscious monologue. Those around her, when exposed to the truth, start to dream of spiders... at some point, not quite sure which, says some people in the Rachel Zuhl experience.

Clearly, although true, talking out loud all the time to no one around it appears, is not sane, though medication is clearly ineffective, we reckon more medication will in time exclude possibility of malfunction (in other words, you get medicated anyway, you got to endure the tinkering of your doctor anyway, even though it effects nothing, corrects no problems, complete waste of money and time and whatever else). Clearly, Rachel had no witnesses... only God, and the real Christ will be revealed in time.

For it was the Subbie and Conscie situation, which convinced Rachel for so long that she indeed was the Second Coming of Christ... Not the whore of Babylon, as it turns out she is... and that is what the beast is, the false belief that I am Christ. However, as it turns out, I am also on the side of God.

Alas! Alas! You great city, you mighty city, Babylon! For in a single hour your judgment has come.

What is this filth, this debauchery, that Rachel speaks of, in her memoir series? Clearly, it is sin!

Clearly, but not so clearly after all, as times are changing... Sex is no longer a sin.

And so, as a final word, who is the REAL mother of prostitutes? Who is the mighty angel the Bible speaks of, when throwing a stone, talking about, when saying,”So will Babylon the great city be thrown down with violence, and will be found no more?”

The whore of Babylon, is she the mother of prostitutes, as is written on her forehead? Or is the mystery of the sign that it is out of place, and should be on a different woman?

Anyway.. All that, being taken into account...

The stage is set for the return of Jesus. Feeling powerless by the nature of her predicament, and very distracted, Rachel had not yet raised questions in the courts about the guardianships, so the mother of prostitutes remains in charge.

Clearly, the situation has yet to reach a climax.

Where do you hold the Fabled Belief Dot?

 My dad and I had a disagreement about what cognitive dissonance was.

I said, believing two contradictory things, simultaneously.

He said, NO, you believe one thing, despite evidence to the contrary.

Of course... I said, you know, that sounded like what I said, EXACTLY. No difference.

Nuh huh huh... The difference is, where do you hold the Fabled Belief Dot, Rachel? With what he said, you hold it OUTSIDE of your head, and with what I said, you hold it INSIDE your head.

Where is your Fabled Belief Dot, and how many do you have? Can you hold two simultaneously contradictory belief dots on a conscious focal point level in your brain, at the same time? WELL I CAN... I AM A MASTER HOLDER OF BELIEF DOT JUGGLING... I CAN JUGGLE MY BELIEF DOTS, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, DISMISS STRANGE BELIEF DOTS, JUGGLE THEM INSIDE AND OUT OF MY HEAD, and I CAN DISTRIBUTE THEM TO FOLLOWERS, TOO...

CAN YOU JUGGLE YOUR BELIEF DOTS? I BET YOU CAN'T...

That's why my brain is better than yours, okay. Without any rude emotional connotations, or rude nastiness, okay.

Snakes, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails...

 As a side note, in the book I was originally when I was first diagnosed, the Bible for Dummies, there was a joke regarding puppy dog tails I found exceptionally funny.

Anyway... It's a Rachel Zuhl motto here, the collective unconscious story regarding, puppy dog tails.

Actually... This is a situation, where there was a dream website I used to religiously look at, because the dreams AND the interpretations were fascinating to me... it was lifetreks.com, the woman was good there, since then the format has changed... Anyway, there were a great deal of dreams, it turns out, are actually DIRECT collective unconscious references, there, actually.

One of them, maybe my favorite, was the puppy dog tail dream... There was a woman, attaching three puppies by their tails... and there was some reasoning, you know, they will all run in different directions, and balance each other out with the weight, and stay in one place... And she told her grandfather, and he said, "Oh, No... Geez..."

Anyway, about strange sanity keeping situations... Where you are bending over backwards, holding on, and dear life... Please stay sane...

With people, social situations, Chance, whatever... Whoever... And then some...

Motto collective unconscious story.