The thing I wanted to talk about today was, my first delusional episode.
This was the thing that tore my life apart, through my life upside down, pulled it inside out, and changed me as a person so much I didn't recognize myself afterwards.
It's the kind of thing that made me a real person, and gave me as a person substance. Because it was interesting.
But the thing I puzzle over constantly is, what changed? Everything. But what in particular changed. I don't know. I can't point to anything at all and pinpoint, well that personality trait changed. All I know is, the initial episode changed everything about me at the same time.
That's why it's a real slap in the face to get unfriended on Facebook over something like this. There was a girl who, through understanding of the social dynamics of some of my social circles, that is the reason she unfriended me, she heard a rumor. And it's like, even if it had been something depressing, or something I wasn't proud of, or something mundane that resulted in delusions, or something I was ashamed of, that would be awful for different reasons. But it was this, the initial episode.
Anyway, this particular unfriending was something that contributed hardcore to my battle with extreme depression and suicidal ideations when I was at Innercept. I don't get any feedback whatsoever about what people are really thinking, because they are not talking to me. I'm not really on speaking terms with them (nothing bad, no phone numbers, didn't keep in touch, I'm not going to write them awkwardly on Facebook for feedback.) The person I am talking to is not responding to me because there is something seriously wrong with him. And what I didn't know that I know now is, is this the kind of thing that other people treat with sensitivity? The answer is absolutely.
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