First incident came when my mom told me to unload the fridge (our fridge is broken). I started throwing away the salad dressing containers that are sitting around in the fridge and are too empty for me to want to put them on salad. Then, my mom started doing it instead. I don't remember what she said next, but she said she started doing it because I wasn't and she was annoyed. I screamed at her.
I think it was excessive then to scream at her for that, but then again, it all comes back to the Sweet Tomato incident.
The other time with my dad, really really pissed me off and still does. So I was at home starving, because wow, my metabolism is high... I eat and then a few hours later I am ravenous again. There is no food in the house. I am gluten free, dairy free, lots of veggies... In other words, I don't want to eat some junk. So, I decided to spend my money eating soup and salad at Stanford's by my house. I didn't want to do this, but my dad got mad when I asked if we could go to the grocery store and said he's busy and we don't have a fridge. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Eat some freezer shit I'm not supposed to eat? That's what's helping my mood a lot now (that's an understatement) the fact that I am on the fast track to getting back in shape. Anyway, so I walked to Stanford's and spent twenty bucks on lunch, then worked out at the gym which is nearby. It was an excellent work out. Anyway, I'm sick. I don't want to walk outside at all! So I called my dad when I was done and asked if he could pick me up. On the way home, he asked me if I was at Stanford's. I will point out, right now I'm not angry, but I should have been. He is looking at my location on the fucking Find Friends app. Then he started lecturing me about how spending twenty bucks on lunch is not bright and when he goes out, he spends less. Right, because he eats at BURGER KING!!!!
So I snapped and screamed at him. I got out of the car and went back in the house. Then I was still mad at him. He asked me why I was mad. Whatever my reasoning was no reason to scream. I said because he's a bad father.
So as for the father one, talk about annoying, anyway, I was worried about this. I was worried because I had a med change recently, and I don't want them to take me off something I want to be on or say I'm manic or act at all like outbursts are a problem. There are psychological reasons why this makes me angry. There is something bugging my psyche with both my parents. And it is...
THE SWEET TOMATO INCIDENT!!!!
The Sweet Tomato Incident involves my dad in November of 2014. My mom was out of town. After being out and about, I am picked up by my dad and we go to eat at Sweet Tomato. Now, at this moment, and for the past nearly 3 weeks, I have been going through extreme psychological stress to the point where my sanity was seriously at risk. Yeah, let's just say that.
I don't complain to my parents about the Sweet Tomato incident. The reason is, it involves filling them in on something I have tucked away in a file in my mind labelled don't tell your parents this in a million years. It involves bringing them in to my world, a world they don't believe in. It raises quite a few questions. What were you going through? Why were you under psychological stress? And I don't want to answer this question. Leave this subject the fuck alone.
Anyway, so I do have the bad habit of over filling my plate at the salad bar. I take a lot more than I can eat.
So we sat down, and I am eating. I am not paying attention to my dad, or at least trying not to. We are not engaged in conversation. I am in my own world. A god awful world I really don't want to talk about. I have not slept. I have disgusting repulsive images going through my head all the time. Please, leave me the fuck alone.
"You took a lot of salad there Rachel."
Five seconds later.
"You took a lot of salad there Rachel."
Two minutes later.
"You took a lot of salad there Rachel. Please, it annoys the workers when you leave a lot of food on your plate."
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Okay, Captain Hindsight, I took two much salad. What am I supposed to do now?
And that's where it ends on a conscious level. On a subconscious level, I was thinking, "Seriously, are you trying to get me to shove food down my face too! Like you do?"
And it helps a lot that my dad is morbidly obese due to his excessive eating habits.
There is some repressive memory force behind this memory. I am in my own world, I am too weak to tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
SHUT YOUR FUCKING FAT FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, so we went home and it was done. Then, later, apparently my mom wanted in on this incident. She wanted to prove to me that she would have done exactly the same thing. I will link you back to the blog entry titled "Sound of my Mother's Weeping." The short version is, I wanted to go to Sweet Tomatoes for my birthday, my mom didn't because of my embarrassing salad habits. I got annoyed and eventually started crying, later I was eating dinner and my mom walked in the room and told me in a really weird way marked with self-pity that she cleaned the kitchen up after me. All by herself. I was about to, I like to eat dinner before I clean the kitchen. As she was walking away, I swear I heard fake sobs. I couldn't believe my ears.
Anyway, a couple weeks later I was at home and I was getting food out to eat, and my mom got mad and said she had just cleaned the kitchen. It was all I could do not to lose my mind and flip, but I did my best keeping myself under control. It was very hard work.
The reason I would scream at my mom for saying I wasn't helping goes back to the Sweet Tomato incident. And so does the incident with my dad.
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