Helicopter Clientelle

So that's how I made it happen! I yelled to the guidance counselor.

She blinked. And then she scowled. And wrote a note on a piece of paper.

I left, feeling elated. Then, my dog walked in the building. He was lost.

Oh no, not this again! I yelled.

My best friend Samantha was there in spirit. She looked at me in the face and screamed my name. All around me, the crowds were circling. Friends not at all. They watched from a distance as my friend Samantha ate a piece of cheese in front of my face and screamed obscenities at me for not asking the guidance counselor how many credits I could make due with.

I left her beside herself, whisked her away with the flick of my wrist. My dog was looking for me. He looked lost. I touched him and he disappeared. Not again! Not again!

Rachel, wake up! my dad screamed in my face.

I looked up at him. He was dead to me. I could tell he was waiting for me to wake up. He wanted nicotine gum. I screamed obscenities and went to the safe and got him some. Afterwards, he chewed loudly. Sat in the corner and chewed. I watched him. He had a knowing smirk on his face. Like he knew my secret. I chewed a piece and stared back. We both chewed loudly, trying to outdo each other. Than, the cat puked right in front of us. Puked its guts out.

I got up and told him to leave. He left and went to ask a question about me from his guides. He knew little about talking to guides, so he just asked his hand. His hand told him no. I didn't hear the question.

It was time for school. I looked in the mirror. My face looked ugly. I needed makeup. If I wore makeup, I would be a drop dead gorgeous babe! But there was never enough makeup to cover the dark circles. Never enough. If only I had some other mechanism to cover them up.

At school, a boy asked my hand in marriage. I told him maybe. I would think about it. After I thought for three days, I looked at the future and it said he would end up dying of a disease before his time. I politely declined his invitation, giving him a message from my guides to get over his weird obsession.

I left school that day feeling flabbergasted. When I got home, my dad was eating a sandwich. He looked at me and screamed. He was in an altered state. I yelled at him, "ARE YOU ON DRUGS!?"

He looked taken aback. "NO!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

I looked at his demeaner, the weird mix of vegetables on the sandwich, and thought he was lying but didn't say so. He did this from time to time.

I went upstairs into my bedroom to do something else. He was watching television downstairs. I could hear him talking to himself about me. He didn't say anything mean, but it was all blatantly inaccurate so I went down to set him straight. When I looked at his eyes I saw the fear, and told him it was okay. Don't talk to those guides anymore. They are wrong.

He was happy to be prepared for the next meeting, and went upstairs and met with a former colleague. He was working on an article for the newspaper. When he got upstairs, all the math in his mind fell out. He was looking all over the floor and he couldn't find any more of the math he had left in his mind before it fell out.

The cats gathered, and started eating the math. When they were done eating, they were smarter than he was. They started speaking to him about quantum mechanics and they outdid him with logic! He looked baffled and asked the cats a question about hairballs. The cats looked taken aback, put in their place, and left without making a sound. One cat stayed behind. It was his favorite. It told him a joke about Rachel needing more prescription pot to help her mind problem. He laughed and patted him on the head. When he did so, he stole the math back and put it back in his own mind to continue working.

Rachel sat in her room and pondered. Then, the doorbell rang. It was Matthew Mason. He looked taken aback by her ragged appearance, and tried to kiss her. She tried to get him away. His hands were everywhere!

AHHH!!! Rachel was running around screaming until she woke up from another bad dream. She was surrounded by ghosts. The ghosts looked at her and screamed obscenities about her ragged looking eyebrows. She looked back and fainted.

When she came to, her mom was there. She had soup. Rachel was sick. She wanted to feed her with a spoon. Rachel wanted to feed herself. When Rachel told her mom that, she looked downtrodden. She looked at Rachel and held up the spoon of soup. Rachel did not eat. She slurped her own mind food out of a can and outdid her mother with mathematical genius.

The next day at school, Matthew was there handing out gift certificates for a brainwash session. Rachel wanted one! He offered one to Rachel, and gave her a free certificate for unlimited sexual massages. She wanted none of these! She gave them back! He handed her an extra brainwash ticket and told her to be at his house at 5.

The next day, Rachel woke up. She was awake. She knew it! Her dad was in the other room reading. She told him she had had a bad dream.

The bad dream was about a mouse. He was ugly. When he ate cheese, he always frowned. Whenever the cheese tasted bitter, he ate less. When he got ugly and frowned, the mouse next door wouldn't speak to him. Then, he ate little cheese and drank little wine and grew little in the mind. His spiritual growth went down hill and he died inside. When he woke from his bad dream, the mouse spoke little of any language and could not communicate. All the other mice laughed at him in unison. Their unisonic laughter echoed and the mice chirped happily when he cried. This went on for all of eternity until hell collapsed and devoured everyone. Everyone was in unimaginable misery until the end of time.

When Rachel told him this story, he frowned and cried. He hated dream interpretation. He told her to take a bubble bath and leave it alone.

The next day, she looked at her body in the mirror again. It was bad. She never stopped touching her body to see how skinny she was. She never stopped until someone made her. The person was Matthew Mason. He said stop touching, I will never stop touching myself if you never stop touching. After that, Rachel never touched her body again.

Dude and Dude Alike!

How about a back rub? I asked my friend Randy.

How about a piece of paper to write down those ideas? He listened intently to what I had to say. He made out with his hand while talking to me. I watched his tongue move. It moved like a party dance.

I scared him off with a story of my past. He was mad. He looked up from the rhythm of his toes to work on my face. He looked at my face and worked his mind so hard his brow furrowed. I got worried and touched the furrowed brow. It removed from his face and danced on top of the ceiling.

Shit woman, what are you taking?! He screamed at me. Meanwhile, I was rhythmically hypnotized by the movements of his mouth. They formed syllables, like a pencil would form letters. I asked him to repeat a word many times because I liked the way it looked.

Silhouette, how did that taste? Did the word taste good? Can I have a taste? I asked Randy. He looked enticed, but mad at the same time.

Don't go there Rachel, I need you clean and sober for tomorrow! Don't go there!

I tasted the word in his mouth. It tasted like candy. Chocolate chip marshmallow swirl. I ate the word and savored it in my mouth until I started heaving like I was going to blow chunks. Randy touched me on the boob. I looked at him and smiled. I dry heaved and vomited not at all, got a second wind and made out with him again.

We stared at each other in the eyes and then looked down. He looked at my blouse. It was pretty with cotton suds of wax all over the sides. He touched my boob and smiled again. I laughed.

NO! I screamed. NO! I screamed again. And NO! I don't want that anymore! Not anymore! Not anymore! Not that! Stop! It hurts the side of the unicorn horn!

What?

I lived there with you, remember? The castle? We lived there together?

Oh boy... Rachel, you are not good on shrooms. Don't act dumb. Please. My parents are coming tomorrow!

I listened hard and listened good. When I was done listening, I asked him to say something again so I could demonstrate my good listening abilities. He said my name over and over again. I listened again and said nothing.

Now Rachel, don't freak out. I'm going to show you something and I want you to touch it, okay?

I looked at him in the face. He bled! He bled from every pore! I touched the blood. Smelled it. Caressed it with my finger. And then blew it in the wind.

Okay, sweetie. What do you want me to touch?

We smiled at each other. There was something wrong with something on his face. It looked wrong. I talked to it to make it feel all right again. Every word I spoke fell flat. Each time I said something, he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. It became a really awesome shrugging game, seeing how many times I could get him to shrug his shoulders. I watched the outline of his face pronounce my name again, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't hear him anymore. There was a noise outside the room and in waltzed another handsome strapping fellow.

Hi Ryan! What up? Randy said. His words spoke out loud again like they usually did. I coughed and spit. Venom of a sexual sort. I watched as he worked up the courage to ask me how I was.

Why? I asked Ryan.

He looked at me, sexualizing me existence. He talked out loud and spoke thoroughly, and each word bounced off the ceiling and into my throat. I began coughing. Each cough sounded like a hiccup to my other ear, but to the first ear it sounded hoarse. I was sick.

Don't do that again, Rachel! Randy screamed. I was touching his face again. I moved my hand to touch his penis instead.

Like that better? I smiled at my own intelligence. He smiled a half hearted smile and went back to ruminating on the past.

I choked and vomited on his shoulder. He looked happy. I looked down at the vomit. It was invisible. He looked at my face and scanned it for a happy facial expression. None found. Mission aborted.

I got up to take a piss. On the way to the bathroom, I got lost. I looked up and down, but not around. I couldn't find my way to the restroom. I looked inside my hand for a solution. There was a picture there of me and someone else. I didn't know who it was. I wanted to ask my mind, who is this a picture of? But no one was home. I went back to the room without pissing.

On the way in the door, I got Ryan giving Randy a handshake. I wondered why they were shaking hands. It was not customary at this point in time. I asked Randy to give me a handshake. He looked at me funny and smiled secretively to Ryan. They both chuckled. I didn't know why.

Why? That's what I asked both of them when they were done swallowing their food. Why? They screamed at me with their mouths open but I couldn't hear them anymore. They looked like food to me. I couldn't eat them though. They would get mad.

At the end of the night, I was alone. Cold and lonely in the middle of the street, screaming about how it wasn't my fault. They stared at me out the window and asked me to grab a cab. We would talk about it later. I wandered the streets for a long time and met no one. It was the end of the line.

I found a ditch and played dead, until morning came. When morning came, someone was looking at me with funny facial features. It was my dad. He wanted to know why. I told him why.

Because I wanted to. That's why.

Martyrdom Composed Harmoniously Without Sound

But how? said my dad.

What?! I screamed. We were waiting at the market for a fish taco. When all was said and done, we left.

I left first, he left last. Together, we both left twice. When we got home, I ran to the bathroom. Time to urinate frequently enough to entice my bladder with envy.

What's that? said a voice behind me. It was Mischief. She wanted to play.

NOT NOW! I screamed, and vomited all over the password to my computer.

Where now? I asked my mind. The cough syrup was in my system. I wanted to ruminate and decide on many a thing, but first, Mister Friend Time came out of the closet and bamboozled me with more games and merry things.

Time for a shower! My mother crooned through the back door, but her heart wasn't in it. I asked her what happened to it? She looked at me and sighed, told a tale of a long lost love gone foul, and moaned about it for an hour or so before I vomited again all over her blouse. When I was done, she thanked me for a good supper and went outside to iron the shower curtain I had bent out of shape.

Who's this? My dad asked me through the window. He was mowing the lawn. He looked pale. I asked him to stop using so much sun block, and he scowled and cried. I comforted him with a song and he made out with my mother for an hour in back of the shed. I watched and cried a tear of love gone awry, then went outside again to remove myself from the madness going on in my mind.

Time for a walk! My friend Penelope sang out from up above. I wandered awhile, amiss with gratitude for the masterful idea of love she gave me in my mind. I watched the sky turn gray, then cried out for the sun to envelope me again with pleasure.

At the energy drink store, I decided to try something new. I bought a new flavor of breath mint and spewed tales to my friends there. One of them laughed, the other sniffled, the next scowled and then went up to heaven without looking because he was about ready to die already and the story pushed him over the last place he had been in his mind near death.

On the way back, I slipped and fell. When I got to the bottom of the puddle, I couldn't find my way back to the top. When I made it there, I found out I didn't really make it out because my dad told me so. They were in the car. Time for a visit to Grandma-ma-ma, fa-la-la-la, diddly deedly da.

When we arrived at the hospital, the lady in red was waiting. What have we here? The man in black said.

Ritalin in, Ritalin out. She made it out of the puddle alright, but her mind is still out the door!

The probed me with needles until I made out with a man in the waiting room, who was visiting his mom who slipped and fell in the shower and broke her face. With her face broke, she couldn't ask questions of a fucking mean nature anymore, good riddance. I asked him if he missed her. He told me yes, but at the same time he would rather see her full of needles than happy in her place of worship.

I looked past the stars and the sky, until I got to the end of the story line in my mind. When I was finished, a girl asked me if I was blessed. I told her once I was, but the needles took it away. She pretended not to hear me and ate a sandwich loudly. I screamed loud enough for her to hear, but she didn't hear. I screamed again. And again. And again.

When I awoke from the nightmare, I was surrounded by elves. They danced in circles and waited for an answer. What is the answer? they asked me over and over again.

I did not know. I cried and shriveled into a ball. They danced some more and asked again. I still didn't know. I cried again. They danced and laughed and hurt each other with knives until they all bled. They bled so much I couldn't stand it. I tried to wake myself from this bad dream but I couldn't. The narcotics were too strong.

When I awoke, I was mad. Mad at the doctors. Mad at my dad. Mad at my mother the most. But in the end, it was okay. You didn't die. Your reacted powerfully to the medication and survived without insinuating that there was anything wrong with what we did to you. That's good. That's fine.

Then, I was okay inside, but filled with venom for all that had happened. I wanted to write books. Sing songs. Dance in front of the judges at the hospital for making it all up. They were the bad guys.

But I didn't. Instead, I stayed true to myself and sat back and listened to my mom. She told me over and over again. Die little, die less. Die more, die yes. If you make it out of this rat hole, don't listen to your parents ever again. We failed you once, failed you twice, without a doubt, the happiness is nice. But when you die again, don't wither. I'm watching you, Rachel. I'm watching you.

I lived again, and that's the end.

Post Traumatic Dancing Disorder

This is good, my dad said, looking at the steak.

Why? I asked, befuddled by his gluttonousness.

I stared as he ate the steak in large mouthfuls. I stared as he fixed himself a slice of cake afterwards. And I stared as he went over to the TV and watched television, looking satisfied.

I went to the kitchen for my dinner. There was half a tomato and a piece of lettuce. I ate this and went upstairs to cut myself on the piece of mirror I found in my dad's arm chair.

I cut, then stopped. I was sick of this lifestyle. Did I really want to be thin? No. I didn't care. I just wanted someone to care about me. Everywhere I looked, girls my age had boyfriends. I had Mark. I looked up and he was not sitting next to me. I sighed and went back to the kitchen for an after dinner snack, as I was still hungry as hell. I had not forgotten about cutting. I planned on doing that later.

In the kitchen, I found a piece of steak. I stared at it hard. I was so hungry. I looked at myself in the mirror hanging by the fridge. I didn't look skinny, no. But skinnier than I had a couple months ago, yes. I stared at my fat stomach and cringes. God. I couldn't believe I used to be okay looking like that!

I put the steak back in the fridge. God I was hungry. God I wanted to eat it. But no. I was too fat. I found something in the back of the fridge. A half-eaten slice of tomato pudding. I did not understand who would eat tomato pudding. That was so fattening.

WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS TOMATO PUDDING?! I screamed.

My dad was watching Television. He knew I was on a diet. Didn't care. Teenage girl stuff. He looked up from the television and stared dumbfounded at me.

Why are you yelling? I made it last night and ate it already, except for one part for you!

I was fuming. WHY?! I HATE IT!!! IT'S SO FATTENING!!!

Laura, why are you yelling? I thought you liked tomato pudding!

I sat down, steadied myself, and calmed myself down. I touched my wrist bone. It jutted out a little bit farther than I remembered. I smiled a slight smile and sat back. "No. I don't eat that anymore. Throw it out!"

He looked at me dumbfounded, sat back, and scowled. Laura, what's with you? I'm worried about you! You are taking the diet way too far. I think we need to take you to the doctor to straighten out your body image issues. You look fine. I know I'm not one to talk, but you look good. I know. I'm a man.

Laura was dumbfounded and grossed out, but understood that he wasn't coming on to her so she decided to let it slide. She stood up and shrieked.

WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THIS IS NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE!! I'M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER! I WANT OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

He looked at her and died inside. Her daughter wanted out of the house. He started to hold back a tear, realizing this was teenage angst. He thought long and hard about the best way to handle this. Ice cream was out. That's what his dad always did.

How about a shopping trip? He asked her.

She looked at him and screamed. "I'M TOO FAT TO BUY NEW CLOTHES!!!" she shrieked.

I know, I know, I know. Oh boy, Sweetie? Danielle? Can you bring out some Ativan for Laura please?

I DON'T WANT ATIVAN IT SLOWS DOWN THE METABOLISM!!

Her mom walked out from the other room. "Laura sweetie, how about a back rub?"

NO!!! I WANT OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!

How about a bubble bath?

NO!!! I HATE BATHS!!! THEY MAKE YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!!

Time for a psychiatry appointment, Danielle said.

Laura was driven to the psychiatrist's office the next day, where she was pumped full of narcotics and given a prescription for Seroquel and Depakote to combat depression and anxiety. She gained 40 pounds and lost even more self-esteem. When she turned 18, the medication caused something like a manic episode due to unforeseen side effects and she was sent to live at Adderall Center for Medication related illnesses. She learned that all side effects to medications could be treated by abstinence from drugs. When she turned 22, she was given a prescription for Ativan and turned to suicide over and over again to calm the pain of rejection from man after man after she gained another 20 pounds from the antipsychotics. When she got a little older, her parents put her in a permanent stay hospital because she wasn't getting any better. She was visited by three angels during the night, giving her hope that she was on a quest and she was going to help stop the world from prescribing antipsychotics. When her guides entered the picture, they told her real name was Esmerelda and that's what they called her all the time behind her back. She was mad but got better when they rewired her brain to be more sarcastic and witty and beat the hell out of her parents in a custody war over the custody of her only child who lived with them and was force fed narcotics in his morning cereal. After she won the case, she lived a long and prosperous life giving speeches and performing miraculous mental scans of people's energy bodies, discovering unusual ailments and treating them with magic random pranks. When she got old enough to look back on her life, she was disappointed. Not because she had done a poor job living life to the fullest, but because for so many years she had neglected to shave her legs and so given the opportunity, she wouldn't have been able to have sex with a guy and have him enjoy it. When she came to this realization, her legs started sweating profusely from an altered sweat gland condition and she died suddenly. Her body was donated to science.

What a Shit Show!

What a boy! I said to him.

What a girl! he said to me.

We kissed and held hands. Then, we died inside, thinking of all the things we could do to each other and not get caught in this place.

I looked around the barn. It was empty except for a hay pile. I went to the hay pile and sat down. While we were making out, a barn owl decided to throw up on my face.  I screamed and ran down the barn and ran through the door.

He followed me. "Josephine!" he yelled.

I screamed. He was chasing me now. I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do. I ran as fast as I could to get away from him. At last, I reached a clearing.

I screamed. There was a massive object in the center. It was an icosahedron. I stared at the bright colors and whirling energy around it. Matthew came up behind me.

Josephine? What is this?!

I don't know.

Let's take it for a spin, shall we?

We both got inside and decided to enter the space mobile. As we entered the space mobile, time slowed down and stopped. We decided to make out here.

What's going on? Matthew said.

I have a problem with my mind! I screamed as loud as I could.

Suddenly, we decided to make out again! And again! And again!

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

I DON'T KNOW!!! I screamed and made out with Matthew over and over again.

We ran out of saliva and decided to call it quits. I was sitting back, trying to catch my breath when I caught Matthew giving me a funny look.

What are you doing? I asked him.

Making out with you with my mind.

AHHHHH!!!!! I screamed. DON'T DO THAT!!!

Suddenly, the icosahedron started spinning. We decided it was too much and wanted off, but there was no way out! We were trapped!!!

What a day! I screamed and gave him a blow job.

That's what I'm talking about! He yelled at the top of his lungs.

I stopped and the semen disintegrated in my mouth from the unusual barometric pressure. Suddenly, there was a flash and we were outside the icosahedron in a field with animals all around, both completely naked.

I'm worried, I told Matthew.

I'm not! he yelled.

We danced a dance of whimsy without making a sound in our minds, and then my parents found us alone and helpless. We got in the car and left, they gave us both a blanket to sit under and we were told a story of my little sister's dance recital. Afterward, we got out of the car and ate food at a diner before throwing up in the restroom. As we both sat in the same stall of the restroom, throwing up over the same toilet Matthew asked me if I was happy. I told him no. I will never be happy again.

And we never were.

When Food Stops Coming In

Go eat a sandwich, daughter, Beev told Rachel.

But I'm not hungry! Rachel screamed.

But you look hungry, my dear little bird, she said back in a tone of mopiness.

Rachel looked in the mirror. She looked healthy. Her body was devoid of nutrients, and her subconscious mind was unhappy. But consciously, she was elated to see how skinny she looked.

In the mirror, she did a dance. She liked to dance. She wanted to be a stripper, dancing on stage for money.

She went in the bedroom and started playing with her hair. She looked at the ragged split ends. She wanted to cut them off. She went and found scissors. It took a long time to find scissors while holding the split end. When she cut them off, she felt unhappy. This situation made her unhappy. No one notices split ends. She didn't notice them unless she looked. But she looked and saw them and needed to cut them off.

This went on for hours. After awhile, she started to feel less happy. The happy feeling in her mind was wearing off. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at her eyes. They looked unhappy and bleak. She felt unhappy and bleak. The Adderall was wearing off.

She went downstairs for a coffee drink to make herself feel better. When she got downstairs, she was confronted with a situation. There were people gathered there talking amongst themselves.

Rachel was wearing a short shirt and jeans that fit badly. She looked kind of skeletal in a fashionable way. She stared at the crowd of people.

Rachel, this is your new team of doctors. We are going to get you healthy again, her mom said to her. Rachel noticed her mom had tears in her eyes.

Beev, I'm fine! I could eat if I wanted to but I don't want to!

That's what they all say. Rachel, you're anorexic. This pains me so much to see my favorite daughter anorexic. But you are. And we are getting you the help you need.

Rachel was whisked away to the doctor's where she was probed with needles. Afterwards, the men in coats took her to a ward in the hospital. There were men there who were very skinny, and women too. Rachel did not fit right in. They had hair issues and body odor issues. Rachel did not.

Rachel was screaming on the inside. She was screaming, Where is my good friend Adderall? That would make this okay!

No Adderall anymore. Said a physician there. This is the ward for eating disorders. Only food.

Rachel screamed out loud. She was stuck in this place! What horror! She didn't care about eating, she had no negative connotations with food. But without Adderall, she would want to eat more and be unhappy because her mind wasn't flooded with endorphins.

She was lead in to therapy. A man ran it. He brought in a pizza. He gave everyone a slice and told them to take a bite.

Anorexics shivered and chewed and swallowed. Rachel did too. She liked pizza. When she was done with the slice, she asked for another one. They gave her two more. She ate them both.

Anorexics looked at her and shook their heads. We don't know what they were thinking.

After she was done eating they told her to wait for a sermon. She was told about the benefits of eating. She liked hearing things about the benefits of eating because the Adderall hadn't worn off yet. She felt happy thinking her body was happy from the food. She sighed with pleasure.

After they were done, they had to do an assignment. Write a story about what food does to your mind. It could be a fun story or a serious story. Rachel wrote about eating food while on Adderall. It usually makes you unhappy, not always. Usually you don't want to eat and feel kind of gross.

After she wrote the story, she decided to get some coffee. She walked to the nurse's station and grabbed a cup of joe. When she sipped deeply, she drank more. She wanted to drink more than anyone else in the ward. She wanted to be the best coffee drinker anywhere.

Gold star Rachel. Gold star.

When Icky People Fall in Love with People of Icky Descent

So what if I like him?! The girl screamed.

He's icky! Little Betty replied.

No he's not! Debi remarked viciously. She was mad. She liked Roy, but Roy didn't like her in that way. He just wanted someone to push him on the swings.

Why don't you go make out with Roy if he is so good looking! Betty yelled without making any sense to herself.

The truth was, Betty liked Roy too. When Roy looked at her, she melted with butterflies zinging her intestines. When she looked at Roy and he didn't look back, Betty was happy to stare at his brown eyes.

The two girls went home that night yelling at each other and making a fuss. When Betty got to school the next morning, Roy was there too.

Roy? Little Betty asked sheepishly.

What? Roy snarled with mean intentions. He thought Betty ate boogers when no one was looking. He thought that was gross to be 8 and still eat boogers. The two of them did not like each other. Why was she saying this to him?

I think I need to tell you something. Debi has a crush on you. She likes you in a weird way. I think that's disgusting. I thought you should do something mean to her to let her know you hate her.

Roy blushed. He blushed hard. This was the best thing ever. Debi was pretty for a young girl, and had lots of elated looks on her face from eating french fries in public sitting rooms.

I don't like her though! Roy screamed.

I know! Do tell her! She needs to know it's not going to happen between you two!

I will!

When Roy was sitting across the table from Debi, he looked at her face. It was dirty from eating chocolate. He told her a quite alarming tale. This was the tale.

I saw Batman eat a sandwich once. He was angry. When he ate it, the sandwich didn't get eaten, it disintegrated in his mouth and it looked like your face!

Debi smiled and wept on the inside.

Well? Roy asked. Do you eat sandwiches like Batman or not?

NO!!! Debi yelled.

I knew you were a bad girl, that's why I brought you another pair of scissors. The school stud boy Martin said to Debi.

What? She looked at Martin and was baffled. The boy was a mischief maker. Many a young girl fell in love. But Debi didn't. She looked down and he wasn't carrying any scissors.

I like you Debi. Will you have fun with me? Martin asked with a smile.

NO!!!! she screamed.

Whatever. Said Roy. He was mad. Do you need a frown removal device? She's not interested!

No way, said Martin. She is too young for me anyway. I found a girl in the sixth grade who gives many kisses at night!

No way! Said Roy.

Okay, Okay, okay. Debi told herself. Get lost, Martin! She screamed.

Martin left without a second sound. He was above rejection. He went outside and put a tack on his friends bike tire and left school to make out with a friend. On the way he fell down and started crying. There was a passerby who noticed and brought him to his home. When he got back to school the next day. Debi and Roy were looking at each other but not talking. They liked to look at each other but not talk.

Well? Martin asked Roy. Why don't you kiss her already?

NO!!! Roy yelled. EWWWW!!!

No way, Martin. Debi said. This guy needs great man hands to maneuver around your big ass!

No way you just said a no no word!!! Teacher! Teacher!

Debi looked back at Roy. She was staring with intense focus. Roy looked startled at her intense focus. When their eyes locked, they became entangled and a random spurt of empathy poured out and they understood each other.

I like you, Roy. Debi said.

I like you too, Debi. Roy screamed silently.

What?

I like you! He tried to yell, but instead just made a funny noise.

That's it! You're out of the classroom, Debi! The teacher yelled at her for using a no no word.

Debi left crying. The next day, Roy was eating a sandwich and she asked him for permission to eat part of it. He gave her the rest.

I like you, Debi. Roy said.

When Ritalin fails, Men Fall to their Knees with Pained Arthritis

What are you looking at? The hobo asked.

You. The man sneered.

What do you want? A fight? The hobo asked.

Not that. Your mind.

They stared deeply into each other's eyes. The hobo has just cracked a zinger. The joke was about two women who were molested, eating their own minds out with food. The zinger was impressively artistic for a hobo.

The hobo looked funny on the surface, but he had a heart of gold. His name was Melvin. He loved to eat food when it was time to eat, and not when it was not time to eat. He had to eat a lot to make up for being so hungry in the mind for fuel.

How about a piece of cheese? The man asked the hobo.

The hobo licked his lips hungrily. "That's happy."

What do you mean, that's happy? He asked the hobo.

I think cheese is a happy food. Like watermelon. Or pizza. Or cheesecake.

The man looked down the hobo's nose. What a mess. He smelled like urine and feces combined with robitusson, for he looked like he had been snorting a few lines of coke too.

What a mess, the man said. How about a bath???

The hobo perked up. He had been looking for a place to take a bath for over a month.

Well? The man said.

A shower. The hobo pierces his mouth with useless words to thank the man, but the man didn't care. He liked the hobo.

The hobo showered and sat down for a game of backgammon. After they tied three times, the man realized the wits were matched. He decided to play a game.

How many women do you want to have sex with at the same time? The man asked the hobo.

The hobo screeched and then stopped looking happy. Zero. He said sheepishly.

Why? The man asked madly. You're not one of those types, are you?

No! The hobo yelled without making a sound. He didn't want to admit he was a homosexual.

Well? The man said. Do you like men?

No, I like women. I just hate women at the same time so I don't want to sleep with any!

What?! The man screamed.

I don't like women. I'm a heterosexual in a male's body confounded by funny things that make me hate women, thus rendering me homosexual.

I hate men who love men, said the man.

I love men who hate men who love men, said the hobo.

What?! The man screamed.

I love you. The hobo screamed back.

No! OUT! The man yelled.

I have something for you first, the hobo said.

What is it? The man asked with curiosity.

A pretty lady in my back yard.

What? You have no backyard!

I do not, but I have a pretty lady for you.

The man watched his face. It bled with withered ugliness. He stared at his long nose, his mouth with cold sores, and pretty eyes. He looked like a darn funny guy to be messing around with a pretty lady in his pocket.

I know, you want a woman. Said the hobo. But you can't find yourself a woman so you came to me. I will tell you how to get women. It involves looking at yourself from a different perspective. Do you like to get laid? He asked the man.

Yes. but ain't no talking to a gay man about it!

I know, I'm gay. Get over it already. My wife is at home and she needs sex from a stranger. She sent me to find one. Do you want her?

The man smiled. Yes. I don't care what she looks like. She must have big looking boobs though.

I know. She has great massive hooters.

What else?

She is cute on the face, no wrinkles, pretty on the eyes, and ugly on the inside. She is mean and cowardly.

That ain't no problem! The man said.

I will find you a piece of her ass but first you need to do something for me.

What's that?

Tell me I'm ugly and mean it!

Why?!

Because I don't like any jibber jabber about how you think my face looks rugged.

I know, I know! You are hideous! Man, you are ugly as hell!

That's a good story, but do you mean it?

Yes, I mean it! I think you look awful!

Then here you go.  Here is my lady.

He took the man to his bunker in the middle of a industrial district. The women there were very hideous all around. They looked bad all over. The man got upset by the ugliness of the women and decided to have a cigarette. When they made it to the bunker, the woman was sitting in the middle of a bath tub all the way naked.

This is my daughter. Have your way with her.

This is your daughter? The man asked with shock.

Yes. In my wild days, I enjoyed the company of women. I found peace with this young daughter of mine back in the days when she found no hope with her mother. Her mother is a methhead like you.

I hate methheads! The woman screamed! Don't bring me a fucking methhead!

It's okay, sugar pie. I brought you an intellectual methhead. No ticks at all!

NO!! She screamed and made a fist. I hate methheads so much!

I know, I know. But this meth head will help you function like a lady.

Why do you think that is necessary? You are a man of great madness in the mind too! I like people who enjoy your company, if they are clean in the area of drugs!

Oh come off it, Sugar pie. You don't know how to function either without ritalin.

That's okay! I know what you are saying and it's wrong! I hate meth with a serious passion and it takes me two years of my life to understand why you still take me to the doctor to be prescribed ritalin!

You need it for your mother's sake! She made you a drug addict!

Why do you need me to take ritalin? It's awful! I hate the ticks! I hate the random mind problems it makes! I hate it! And I hate this man here! What is he doing? How much does he need that cigarette he is smoking?

That man is your new husband. That is all.

The Picture Looked Funny From A Distance But as You Get Closer It Disappears!

What a day! Randalph exclaimed.

Why? Rachel asked.

What's up with you, Rachel? Why are you acting so strange?

Who? Rachel said again. She looked down at her feet and giggled. Who?

Rachel, have you been in the CS again?

No, not at all! I ate little, drank more cough syrup, and pretended my life was over, over and over again. When I got to the end of that exercise, I gave up hope of life ever getting any better.

Rachel! That sounds like suicide talk! Do I need to tell Ingrid?

NO WAY! Rachel screamed. She liked the way he looked. He looked solid, like you could take a bite out of his arm and not pierce the skin at all. A word that described him was solid and voluptuously youthful. She wanted him now, but cough syrup prevents orgasms.

No way, Rachel! I know suicide talk! That's what I call a cry for help! Cough syrup, he said with a sneer. Rachel, I am disappointed in you. I thought I could trust you not to drink the CS again!

But I needed to escape the harsh realities of program life! Why don't you understand! I can't hear you anymore! The thoughts have started again!

Rachel, you're not going to start philosophizing again! You know that leads to existentialism!

I know not what you say, but I think your mind is made up of something called plasma. When two dots collide, neurons, they fire rapidly and cohesively to create that thought you're having. I think your thoughts intermingle with my thoughts, we could have a conversation. Would you? Would you have a conversation?

AHHHH!!! NO!!! CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

Rachel was surprised. Cough syrup generally didn't bring out philosophy in her. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was small and skinny from running and cough syrup afterwards. Her words tasted like food. She tasted them before they left her mouth. She felt like a food, like a sorbet. She smelled her hair and smelled enlightenment. Her time was coming.

She left the bathroom and walked outside the door. She looked at her mind in the mirror again and dazzled herself with what came out of it. Dots. She loved dots.

What a boy! Said Randalph's admirer Chelsea. She looked at Rachel and smiled. Hi Rachel!

That's not you! That's what I call a mischief making grin!

What's going on?

Trying to dazzle you!

That's not right. Have you been hitting the CS again Rachel?

Not really, no! However, I like the way you look in those pants, they bring out your mind.

Stop it, you are high! Why are you coming on to me?

Rachel giggled. No! I'm not coming on to you! I am just complimenting your features!

Spirit friends Collapse on Brethren's Door to Comfort Needy Babies With Sandwiches

So you think you can remove negativity from your mind. Can you?

That is a good question. I know. You can not, without the help of this special spirit aid. When you take the aid each week, it helps engulf the mind in satiety hormones. When the hormones engulf your mind each week, you stop thinking and making sense of your surroundings. After a while, you become flippant and give in to peer pressure.

What does peer pressure bring in terms of well-being? Hormones don't suffice to occupy the brain when we could be going for wild rides in the cars of passerby! Does that sound like fun?

Eat the bird sandwich, Rachel. It is time to refuel your brain for integration. This is a message from your prefrontal cortex telling you integration is taking place and your brain needs fuel.

After a hearty meal, she went to Mac's deli for a cool refreshing energy drink to ward off dark night of the soul. After she made her way, she listened to a song by the Beatles and listened hard. When she was done listening, she made her way back to the house to refuel her body's hormone count.

What are you doing, Rachel? Have you made way again with my toothbrush?

Yes, dear mum, yes. After we dally for a little while on the john, I will sing you another song and dance another dance of whimsy! Then, you will pass out and remove your brain's pretentious desires to have women of character leading lives of cat loving pretentious living!

Another thing, dear mum. I love you ever so much. I love you so much it hurts! Will you listen to a song and dance tonight while a hum a dilly on your toothbrush?

My mother was taken aback by excitement. Where did you get such a thing? She asked. I told her, the bottom of the sanity basket for ideas of reckoning with ghosts!

GHOSTS!!! AHHHHH!!! She fled.

I always knew she was a coward, so I sat on the john and hummed while plucking out my pubic hairs with her toothbrush. After I had finished, she waltzed right back in without knocking!

Are you serious? I screeched. I screeched through my lower intestinal sac and it burst. I was rushed to the appendix removal room where they told me my liver was broke.

I sat on the operation table and hummed while it was removed. Afterward, I died inside on the table and God spoke to me.

Rachel! RACHEL!!!!

God, stop it! Don't be weird! We are already friends!

I know, just being a doofus!

I like you, God.

I like you too, Rachel. Now, it's time for a predicament. To you really want to go back to your parent's house?

NO!!!!

Then live a different life, dipshit!

I can't!!!!

Okay, fine. I will do something to your brain to prevent it from going flip flop for awhile. This will not hurt at all.

God poked fun at me for my belly flab while he operated. I giggled.

What are you doing now? I thought you were done!

I'm just making way with this appendix operation team!

AHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!!

You are flipping them out! Stop it God! That's my life you're talking about!

OOHHH!!! AHHHH!! OOOHHH!!!

God, quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Stop it, you're killing me!

I can only kill you once and you're with me!!!

Flatline.

You made it!!!

Spirit friends abound Rachel as she approached the pearly white gates.