So I had a weird dream last night. I was back in Idaho, driving out in the country with my parents and another guy. We were driving high above this valley, when suddenly, the car fell off the road, and was falling down into the valley where we would surely all die. But as we were falling, I flew out of the car, and I landed on my feet in the valley. My dad did the same thing. However, my mom and the other guy were killed. I was so excited about having survived, being not injured, and landing on my feet that I kept saying "praise God! You do exist!" over and over again and I kept going on about God. Then my dad says, "hey, where's your mom?" And I'm like "dude, she didn't survive. She's dead." Then I woke up.
Overall this was a good dream.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Fake And Judgmental People
One thing that bothers me about people is the fact that people are often fake.
Like they act all friendly to your face, but secretly they don't like you.
I see this happening amongst people at Innercept. They talk about a certain girl, and complain about her, but when they see her in person they run up and hug her.
What do people say behind my back? Do they say anything? Do they even talk about me? I hope they don't, but then again, I hope they do because I want to be known for being who I am. But then I'm worried they will be like, "God, Rachel's so stupid, and crazy, and annoying."
Personally, I see crazy as a compliment. But not everyone thinks that crazy is a compliment. For a lot of people, crazy is an insult.
So I talk to people, and they are all happy and nice to my face. But I see the way people are. The way people put people down behind their backs. They put on an act to their face. So I wonder, do these people really like me? Or are they just putting on an act.
And sometimes, you realize when you are on Facebook, who exactly it was who doesn't like you. It's the people who deny your friend requests, or accept and then later deny. Except that sometimes, people I know for a fact did like me deny my friend requests. I'm not sure what the reason was. I'm talking about staff at Innercept, who told me I was their favorite resident, and I know they don't say that to everyone. Then they don't accept my friend requests. Maybe they don't know who I am.
But then, even with the people who accept your friend requests, they might secretly dislike you. Even the people who send you friend requests. Maybe they just sent one because they know you and they are trying to increase their friend count. I have known people who say they hate someone, but they have them as a friend on Facebook.
So there's really no telling what's going on here.
The thing about me is, I like just about everyone. I dislike people when they decide they have a problem with me. That's pretty much always the reason. I never say, "oh, I don't like that person's sense of humor," or "oh, I think that person is dumb." Because the way I see it, people are what they are, whatever their intelligence level, there are good things about them. I am very tolerant of different types of people and I am not easily annoyed.
I just don't like it when I find out someone doesn't like me. So what I do is, I think that they are probably a lame person themselves. And I cease to really care that they don't like me, but then I don't like them.
People as a whole aren't tolerant enough of other people. They are too judgmental. Just accept people for what they are. But the one thing I can't accept is hatefulness.
Like they act all friendly to your face, but secretly they don't like you.
I see this happening amongst people at Innercept. They talk about a certain girl, and complain about her, but when they see her in person they run up and hug her.
What do people say behind my back? Do they say anything? Do they even talk about me? I hope they don't, but then again, I hope they do because I want to be known for being who I am. But then I'm worried they will be like, "God, Rachel's so stupid, and crazy, and annoying."
Personally, I see crazy as a compliment. But not everyone thinks that crazy is a compliment. For a lot of people, crazy is an insult.
So I talk to people, and they are all happy and nice to my face. But I see the way people are. The way people put people down behind their backs. They put on an act to their face. So I wonder, do these people really like me? Or are they just putting on an act.
And sometimes, you realize when you are on Facebook, who exactly it was who doesn't like you. It's the people who deny your friend requests, or accept and then later deny. Except that sometimes, people I know for a fact did like me deny my friend requests. I'm not sure what the reason was. I'm talking about staff at Innercept, who told me I was their favorite resident, and I know they don't say that to everyone. Then they don't accept my friend requests. Maybe they don't know who I am.
But then, even with the people who accept your friend requests, they might secretly dislike you. Even the people who send you friend requests. Maybe they just sent one because they know you and they are trying to increase their friend count. I have known people who say they hate someone, but they have them as a friend on Facebook.
So there's really no telling what's going on here.
The thing about me is, I like just about everyone. I dislike people when they decide they have a problem with me. That's pretty much always the reason. I never say, "oh, I don't like that person's sense of humor," or "oh, I think that person is dumb." Because the way I see it, people are what they are, whatever their intelligence level, there are good things about them. I am very tolerant of different types of people and I am not easily annoyed.
I just don't like it when I find out someone doesn't like me. So what I do is, I think that they are probably a lame person themselves. And I cease to really care that they don't like me, but then I don't like them.
People as a whole aren't tolerant enough of other people. They are too judgmental. Just accept people for what they are. But the one thing I can't accept is hatefulness.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Kicking Benzos an Energy Onslaughts
So, I am trying to kick the benzos again.
I was put back on Ativan back several months ago when I was at the hospital. After I had worked so hard going off Klonopin. Two milligrams Ativan. Whew, that's a lot. And back at the hospital that wasn't per day, that was every four hours as needed.
Out of the hospital, I only took two a day. Still, two is a shitload.
Why did I decide to go off Ativan? Because Ativan is a horrible, addictive, lessening drug, which lessens your psychic abilities.
Yes, that was the reason I chose to go off it. To get back my psychic abilities.
There was a time back last spring when I was developing my psychic abilities. I could practice by doing picture readings on people. There is this website for psychic abilities where you can post a picture of yourself, and people will read you by looking at your picture. So I was reading people there, and the people told me the stuff I told them was accurate.
Also, I was often times hit by other people's energy. If someone has a strong emotion directed at me, I felt the energy hit me. I wasn't sure who it was, unless there was some sort of logical explanation why it was a particular person.
Actually, it was kind of annoying, because I'd be working on something and it would be like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you right now!" I'm sure I wouldn't feel it every time someone talked about me, only if it was someone who was a particularly loud thinker. Whatever it means to be a loud thinker.
I'm down to a half a milligram of Ativan per night. Once off, I will also need to do some tai chi to strengthen my aura.
Actually, I've been trying to do tai chi, but I can't get up early enough. I sleep too late. Tai chi is at eleven. I can't get up in time to go to an eleven o'clock tai chi class.
Maybe when I am off Ativan and doing tai chi, I can take some like psychic development classes or something, to learn all the tricks behind telepathic communication.
I was put back on Ativan back several months ago when I was at the hospital. After I had worked so hard going off Klonopin. Two milligrams Ativan. Whew, that's a lot. And back at the hospital that wasn't per day, that was every four hours as needed.
Out of the hospital, I only took two a day. Still, two is a shitload.
Why did I decide to go off Ativan? Because Ativan is a horrible, addictive, lessening drug, which lessens your psychic abilities.
Yes, that was the reason I chose to go off it. To get back my psychic abilities.
There was a time back last spring when I was developing my psychic abilities. I could practice by doing picture readings on people. There is this website for psychic abilities where you can post a picture of yourself, and people will read you by looking at your picture. So I was reading people there, and the people told me the stuff I told them was accurate.
Also, I was often times hit by other people's energy. If someone has a strong emotion directed at me, I felt the energy hit me. I wasn't sure who it was, unless there was some sort of logical explanation why it was a particular person.
Actually, it was kind of annoying, because I'd be working on something and it would be like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you right now!" I'm sure I wouldn't feel it every time someone talked about me, only if it was someone who was a particularly loud thinker. Whatever it means to be a loud thinker.
I'm down to a half a milligram of Ativan per night. Once off, I will also need to do some tai chi to strengthen my aura.
Actually, I've been trying to do tai chi, but I can't get up early enough. I sleep too late. Tai chi is at eleven. I can't get up in time to go to an eleven o'clock tai chi class.
Maybe when I am off Ativan and doing tai chi, I can take some like psychic development classes or something, to learn all the tricks behind telepathic communication.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I'll Never Go Sci Fi
Sometimes it makes me mad that people don't believe in things that I believe in. And it makes me mad that it makes me mad, because I know it shouldn't bother me. If anything, I should feel sorry for people who don't believe in the spiritual side of existence.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe in spiritual sorts of magic. I would think a whole lot different, for one. Actually, I would probably be a lot saner. That says nothing about the actual validity of this spiritual magical stuff, because while I believe it is real, I have a tendency, when I am delusional or thinking a bit on the delusional side, to let my belief in that stuff get carried away with me. So if I didn't think telepathy, or spiritual communication, or other sort of psychic phenomena was possible, fuck, I don't honestly see how I could convince myself of anything delusional. Because how would I explain the stuff I was imagining inside my head, the voices, if it wasn't some sort of psychic phenomena? There's no other explanation unless you go sci fi, and say that someone implanted a chip inside my head that was broadcasting information to me. And I honestly can't see myself go sci fi. If I ever go sci fi with my delusions, it would be a good time for someone to shoot me in the head. It's always going to be psychic. Always.
Anyway, so they say, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof." I say, define extraordinary. It is an error in the way you people think that you find this kind of stuff to be extraordinary. It's all ordinary to me. Psychic phenomena is totally ordinary. I don't even see how people are really impressed by it anymore, it is so ordinary. I mean, we've all had our psychic moments. Or have we all? The trouble is, the type of people who are disbelieving of psychic phenomena are the types of people who have no psychic abilities themselves. Because when certain things happen to us privileged psychic types, we think, oh, that was psychic, and we give it no second thought. And it happens over and over and over again, rearing it's psychic head in different ways.
It's like talking to a blind man. A person who has been blind from birth. They cannot see what's in front of them, and must feel their away around. To a society of blind people, the idea that you can sense something with your eyes without coming into contact with it might seem like an extraordinary claim. An extraordinary claim, which would require extraordinary proof. And how do you prove this to a blind man? He cannot see, so if you sense something before he runs into it, he will just say you were touching the object, or had been there before and felt your way around. There's no getting through to a blind man, I tell you. No getting through to a blind man.
It is the same with psychic abilities, to the general population. It's like a population of blind men. If you know something about someone without being told, they will just tell you that you did research. And the thing is, the thing about the nature of psychic abilities is, they can be pretty vague, in what a psychic sees about someone. To the point where someone may say, "oh that's true for just about anyone!" Or they somehow inferred it from what they told you. And the thing about this is, it sometimes can be the case, but not always. One time, I saw an ad for a free personalized astrology reading. And I thought, hey, it's personalized, and it's free, what do I have to lose?! Anyway, so I ordered one, and what I got back was a short report of vague things that are true for everyone. Things like, "I sense a period in your life, perhaps in your teenage years, where you walked on the edge of existence, and felt that no one really understood you." Yeah, sure. That happens to everyone.
Anyway, where was I going with this?
If you think critically about what a psychic told you, you can decide whether or not the psychic was cold reading you or not. A lot of times when you talk to a psychic, you receive no indication that they are actually psychic, you kind of have to take it on faith. But sometimes you don't, and sometimes you have those special personal psychic experiences where you feel that something will happen, something that seems very unlikely, and then lo and behold it happens. Or sometimes, you feel the guiding hand of God. Sometimes.
So anyway, what I am trying to say is, the part of the population that is more limited in their thinking is more likely to deem a greater number of things extraordinary, and thus be not satisfied with any amount of proof you give them because it isn't "extraordinary" enough.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe in spiritual sorts of magic. I would think a whole lot different, for one. Actually, I would probably be a lot saner. That says nothing about the actual validity of this spiritual magical stuff, because while I believe it is real, I have a tendency, when I am delusional or thinking a bit on the delusional side, to let my belief in that stuff get carried away with me. So if I didn't think telepathy, or spiritual communication, or other sort of psychic phenomena was possible, fuck, I don't honestly see how I could convince myself of anything delusional. Because how would I explain the stuff I was imagining inside my head, the voices, if it wasn't some sort of psychic phenomena? There's no other explanation unless you go sci fi, and say that someone implanted a chip inside my head that was broadcasting information to me. And I honestly can't see myself go sci fi. If I ever go sci fi with my delusions, it would be a good time for someone to shoot me in the head. It's always going to be psychic. Always.
Anyway, so they say, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof." I say, define extraordinary. It is an error in the way you people think that you find this kind of stuff to be extraordinary. It's all ordinary to me. Psychic phenomena is totally ordinary. I don't even see how people are really impressed by it anymore, it is so ordinary. I mean, we've all had our psychic moments. Or have we all? The trouble is, the type of people who are disbelieving of psychic phenomena are the types of people who have no psychic abilities themselves. Because when certain things happen to us privileged psychic types, we think, oh, that was psychic, and we give it no second thought. And it happens over and over and over again, rearing it's psychic head in different ways.
It's like talking to a blind man. A person who has been blind from birth. They cannot see what's in front of them, and must feel their away around. To a society of blind people, the idea that you can sense something with your eyes without coming into contact with it might seem like an extraordinary claim. An extraordinary claim, which would require extraordinary proof. And how do you prove this to a blind man? He cannot see, so if you sense something before he runs into it, he will just say you were touching the object, or had been there before and felt your way around. There's no getting through to a blind man, I tell you. No getting through to a blind man.
It is the same with psychic abilities, to the general population. It's like a population of blind men. If you know something about someone without being told, they will just tell you that you did research. And the thing is, the thing about the nature of psychic abilities is, they can be pretty vague, in what a psychic sees about someone. To the point where someone may say, "oh that's true for just about anyone!" Or they somehow inferred it from what they told you. And the thing about this is, it sometimes can be the case, but not always. One time, I saw an ad for a free personalized astrology reading. And I thought, hey, it's personalized, and it's free, what do I have to lose?! Anyway, so I ordered one, and what I got back was a short report of vague things that are true for everyone. Things like, "I sense a period in your life, perhaps in your teenage years, where you walked on the edge of existence, and felt that no one really understood you." Yeah, sure. That happens to everyone.
Anyway, where was I going with this?
If you think critically about what a psychic told you, you can decide whether or not the psychic was cold reading you or not. A lot of times when you talk to a psychic, you receive no indication that they are actually psychic, you kind of have to take it on faith. But sometimes you don't, and sometimes you have those special personal psychic experiences where you feel that something will happen, something that seems very unlikely, and then lo and behold it happens. Or sometimes, you feel the guiding hand of God. Sometimes.
So anyway, what I am trying to say is, the part of the population that is more limited in their thinking is more likely to deem a greater number of things extraordinary, and thus be not satisfied with any amount of proof you give them because it isn't "extraordinary" enough.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Millions of Strings
So I realized the other day regarding getting saved: maybe, you only need to accept Jesus as your savior if you aren't famous.
The point of being saved is to save the mortal soul. But if people remember who you are for a long time after you are dead, you are already immortal! You have made so many emotional ties to other souls, like little strings connecting your soul to theirs. That way, if you have millions of strings like this, when you die, the little strings lift your soul up and send it to heaven.
Maybe, you only go to the fiery pit of hell if everyone forgets who you are.
This is why it's important to make social connections. You need strings, dammit! STRINGS! Make some more strings!
Strings enter your astral body, and enter some of the chakras. Energetic cords tie your body and soul to other peoples' bodies and souls.
Maybe, if we can form a whole bunch of strings, we can work as a unit. And the saved souls will float like a balloon filled with helium, float into the eternal bliss of heaven.
Maybe, though, enough people have to be saved, or the unsaved souls will weigh us down and bring everyone to hell.
Which is why Jesus recommends only associating with holy, Christian folk, not heathens.
CONVERT THE HEATHENS!!
The point of being saved is to save the mortal soul. But if people remember who you are for a long time after you are dead, you are already immortal! You have made so many emotional ties to other souls, like little strings connecting your soul to theirs. That way, if you have millions of strings like this, when you die, the little strings lift your soul up and send it to heaven.
Maybe, you only go to the fiery pit of hell if everyone forgets who you are.
This is why it's important to make social connections. You need strings, dammit! STRINGS! Make some more strings!
Strings enter your astral body, and enter some of the chakras. Energetic cords tie your body and soul to other peoples' bodies and souls.
Maybe, if we can form a whole bunch of strings, we can work as a unit. And the saved souls will float like a balloon filled with helium, float into the eternal bliss of heaven.
Maybe, though, enough people have to be saved, or the unsaved souls will weigh us down and bring everyone to hell.
Which is why Jesus recommends only associating with holy, Christian folk, not heathens.
CONVERT THE HEATHENS!!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Innercept: A Mixed Bag of Delights
I'm really in the mood to write a blog, but I don't know what my audience wants me to talk about. Some of my popular blogs are spiritual blogs, blogs about my mental illness, and Innercept. Wait, those are pretty much the only things I ever write about.
I have been out of Innercept for over a year now. What has this year been like for me? Well, it's been the best year ever, minus some of the drinking I could have done without.
Those are some memories of the year that came back to me recently, being drunk and depressed. Basically, if I'm alone, and I'm drunk or I have been drinking, I am depressed.
When I first got out of Innercept, I faced a major dilemma. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, actually I know I have, but my problem was I grew up not being social. When I was delusional, I would sit around at home and hardly ever do anything social, and I was just consumed with my own thoughts.
In high school, I spent weekends alone most of the time. Never went to parties. Never drank. Never did much of anything besides sit at home and program my computer. I had enough of a social life to make it so I didn't feel alone and depressed, but compared to most people, it was hardly anything.
So this is what happened as a result of me being at Innercept. I don't know if it's really anything Innercept did. But I am social now. I can talk to people now. I'm not "conversationally challenged" like I used to be, where someone would try to talk to me and I would either stare blankly or give one word answers.
So I was exposed to people all the time. And I had spurts, where suddenly it was like, "wow, I can talk!" Trouble is, there was no filter, so I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. And people got annoyed and I went silent again. And then I later opened back up.
Anyway, so what I am trying to say is, if Innercept did anything for me, it was make me social. I have friends now from all over the country.
So I get back home, and I don't have a whole lot of friends in Oregon. There were like two people who I would actually hang out with, Rebecca and Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, though we have long since went to just being friends and things are cool like that.
So I come home and I'm social and I have hardly anyone to hang out with! Gradually, though, I began meeting up with new people.
Group settings are the hardest. One on one, people will talk directly to you, and you can keep the conversation going. If you are in a group of three or more people, they will talk to each other and exclude me. I remember in high school, I liked groups of three or more people better because the pressure to talk wasn't on me. But now I find this to be not the ideal social situation.
I realized that I am too shy to NOT drink in some social settings. This is why I say, I fucking hate drinking, but I am going to keep drinking on occasion, on hopefully as rare of occasion as possible.
It doesn't fuck with my meds. I had some CRAZY CRAZY delusional experiences in the past year, but the mental issues that accompanied those have disappeared. My intrusive thought problems have all but gone away. I have slight anxiety sometimes but that's all.
So, honestly, I will say that Innercept can be good for antisocial people. I'm not really antisocial at heart, like some people are, but I was kind of like a feral, undomesticated cat, which has the potential to be social and domesticated.
However, Innercept is insanely expensive and not helpful for a lot of peoples' problems. Like kleptomania. I don't steal, but I knew people from Innercept who did. And honestly, I don't know how you fix that.
Innercept keeps you kind of sheltered in a comfortable cocoon. One of the great things is that everyone who is there has issues, so for the most part, the most part, people don't judge you for your issues. At least, no one I encountered judged me for being bipolar or delusional or crazy. If your problem is say, torturing and mutilating animals, you will be judged for that.
So at best, Innercept is mixed bag of delights.
I have been out of Innercept for over a year now. What has this year been like for me? Well, it's been the best year ever, minus some of the drinking I could have done without.
Those are some memories of the year that came back to me recently, being drunk and depressed. Basically, if I'm alone, and I'm drunk or I have been drinking, I am depressed.
When I first got out of Innercept, I faced a major dilemma. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, actually I know I have, but my problem was I grew up not being social. When I was delusional, I would sit around at home and hardly ever do anything social, and I was just consumed with my own thoughts.
In high school, I spent weekends alone most of the time. Never went to parties. Never drank. Never did much of anything besides sit at home and program my computer. I had enough of a social life to make it so I didn't feel alone and depressed, but compared to most people, it was hardly anything.
So this is what happened as a result of me being at Innercept. I don't know if it's really anything Innercept did. But I am social now. I can talk to people now. I'm not "conversationally challenged" like I used to be, where someone would try to talk to me and I would either stare blankly or give one word answers.
So I was exposed to people all the time. And I had spurts, where suddenly it was like, "wow, I can talk!" Trouble is, there was no filter, so I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. And people got annoyed and I went silent again. And then I later opened back up.
Anyway, so what I am trying to say is, if Innercept did anything for me, it was make me social. I have friends now from all over the country.
So I get back home, and I don't have a whole lot of friends in Oregon. There were like two people who I would actually hang out with, Rebecca and Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, though we have long since went to just being friends and things are cool like that.
So I come home and I'm social and I have hardly anyone to hang out with! Gradually, though, I began meeting up with new people.
Group settings are the hardest. One on one, people will talk directly to you, and you can keep the conversation going. If you are in a group of three or more people, they will talk to each other and exclude me. I remember in high school, I liked groups of three or more people better because the pressure to talk wasn't on me. But now I find this to be not the ideal social situation.
I realized that I am too shy to NOT drink in some social settings. This is why I say, I fucking hate drinking, but I am going to keep drinking on occasion, on hopefully as rare of occasion as possible.
It doesn't fuck with my meds. I had some CRAZY CRAZY delusional experiences in the past year, but the mental issues that accompanied those have disappeared. My intrusive thought problems have all but gone away. I have slight anxiety sometimes but that's all.
So, honestly, I will say that Innercept can be good for antisocial people. I'm not really antisocial at heart, like some people are, but I was kind of like a feral, undomesticated cat, which has the potential to be social and domesticated.
However, Innercept is insanely expensive and not helpful for a lot of peoples' problems. Like kleptomania. I don't steal, but I knew people from Innercept who did. And honestly, I don't know how you fix that.
Innercept keeps you kind of sheltered in a comfortable cocoon. One of the great things is that everyone who is there has issues, so for the most part, the most part, people don't judge you for your issues. At least, no one I encountered judged me for being bipolar or delusional or crazy. If your problem is say, torturing and mutilating animals, you will be judged for that.
So at best, Innercept is mixed bag of delights.
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