First off, the reason I am talking about this is because it is something I personally struggle with. Here we have some of my perhaps incoherent musings on souls and existence.
Self-esteem is a tricky subject. If yours is too low there's really no way you can go through life being happy. But if you have high self-esteem does that mean you think you are better than other people?
Because let's face it, if you thought were merely average in every way, you probably wouldn't feel that good about yourself. Or if you felt you were above average in some ways but that the areas you were below average in outweighed the areas you were above average in, or they cancelled each other out, you wouldn't feel that good about yourself either. You need to feel like you are in general above average. Problem is, only half the population is above average.
In order to be healthy, you have to break the competitive mindset and focus on unity. You have to feel that you are a member of the group, the family of humanity, and that you contribute something unique to the group yet you are no better than anyone else in the group. But the tricky part is that you have to really believe that, not just say you believe it.
Because the truth is, or rather, my current understanding of the truth is, all souls are equal. Because your physical attractiveness isn't who you are, you're intelligence isn't who you are, nor is your sense of humor. Who you are is your soul and the knowledge that it contains. Not the knowledge that your brain contains, but that your soul contains, which transcends death. Some souls are further along in the process of knowledge acquisition than other souls. Some souls move along at a faster pace than others. This is their own choice and doesn't mean they're better. Being an old soul doesn't mean your soul is better. We are all merely a different piece of a shattered whole, and there is distance between us and other people and we strive to make that distance smaller.
But we have to be competitive to survive, and when you find yourself winning it's extremely hard to view all people and their souls as equals, because some of us have more advanced souls and we all have unequal temporary earthly traits. I know that I for one suffer from narcissism of the spirit.
And if you do suffer from this, you better not let it show. Because people don't like people who seem to think that they're better than other people, or who admit to it. Which I just sort of did. God dammit.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Writer's Block
So I've sat down to write and I can't figure out what I should be writing about. There are always topics flooding through my head, but in order to write about one of them I have to feel a certain passion about it or else it just kind of flops and it doesn't come off as good as it could. Which is why I'm wondering now if I should even go off Adderall because that's what generates that spark for me which allows me to write passionately. No, I haven't gone off it yet and now I'm questioning whether or not I should. I was going to write about a dream I had last night but now the meat of the dream is covered by a large blank spot in my memory. I hate it when that happens, and that always happens. I wonder why I always have good dreams on Sunday nights.
Actually, as I write this I'm starting to remember. It was struggling to find a computer to get on Facebook. Why did I need to go on Facebook? I don't remember. There were a lot of houses, and someone suggested I go into a random person's house to use their computer. I think there was something about my book.
The ending part was about water parks. Water parks made me feel sick, but it was an emotional sickness and not a physical sickness. This has delusional significance to me but I'm not sure it was about my delusions. I wanted to get on this one elliptical that sprays water but it was too close to the ocean, or something like that. There was the color blue.
I think Freud would have a good time interpreting this dream.
Actually, as I write this I'm starting to remember. It was struggling to find a computer to get on Facebook. Why did I need to go on Facebook? I don't remember. There were a lot of houses, and someone suggested I go into a random person's house to use their computer. I think there was something about my book.
The ending part was about water parks. Water parks made me feel sick, but it was an emotional sickness and not a physical sickness. This has delusional significance to me but I'm not sure it was about my delusions. I wanted to get on this one elliptical that sprays water but it was too close to the ocean, or something like that. There was the color blue.
I think Freud would have a good time interpreting this dream.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Freud: An Amusing Weirdo
I'll keep this blog entry short as I don't have much time. It seems that I reject Freudian theories in my dreams without knowing that they're Freudian theories.
I had a dream a few months back where there was this guy putting people under hypnosis, and then he would ask them about the first time they were cut. "Was it traumatizing?" he would ask. And he thought that this was a pretty intense question, too intense for some people to answer, because being cut for the first time would be pretty traumatizing. He put me under hypnosis and I answered: "The first time you are cut is not traumatizing! It's normal, natural, and necessary! Start by asking a different question!" And that's when the hypnosis starts going somewhere. I realized after I woke up that the first time you are cut is when they cut your umbilical cord. I wrote about this dream in a Facebook note.
I realize now that I was rejecting Freud. It says in my sociology book that Freud believed growing up was a traumatizing process. I used to read about him and he believed that what everyone desires is to return to the womb. Guys can do this in a sense by having sex with their mother. Freud was kind of a screwed up nutcase.
I used to read about Freud because I was interested in dream interpretation. Freud believes that women envy the male sex organ. I read about this in my sociology book but I already knew this. This is actually a very amusing theory. I probably don't need to say that it is not true. I would be very upset if I had a penis. It's actually a very disturbing thought. And it shows how ridiculous Freud was.
I always liked Carl Jung. He was awesome and understood things better.
If you ask me, I think that what people desire more than getting off is to fulfill the ideal role for their gender. Children get an idea about gender roles at a very young age from television and movies. It becomes ingrained and subconcious. I have a desire for long hair because the princesses in Disney movies always had long hair. But my hair isn't as long as it used to be. I never made the decision to cut it, one time a hairdresser cut it more than I wanted it cut, I never got it even trimmed again but it never grew back, it just stayed the same length. The hair continued to grow though because I still got roots. True story.
I had a dream a few months back where there was this guy putting people under hypnosis, and then he would ask them about the first time they were cut. "Was it traumatizing?" he would ask. And he thought that this was a pretty intense question, too intense for some people to answer, because being cut for the first time would be pretty traumatizing. He put me under hypnosis and I answered: "The first time you are cut is not traumatizing! It's normal, natural, and necessary! Start by asking a different question!" And that's when the hypnosis starts going somewhere. I realized after I woke up that the first time you are cut is when they cut your umbilical cord. I wrote about this dream in a Facebook note.
I realize now that I was rejecting Freud. It says in my sociology book that Freud believed growing up was a traumatizing process. I used to read about him and he believed that what everyone desires is to return to the womb. Guys can do this in a sense by having sex with their mother. Freud was kind of a screwed up nutcase.
I used to read about Freud because I was interested in dream interpretation. Freud believes that women envy the male sex organ. I read about this in my sociology book but I already knew this. This is actually a very amusing theory. I probably don't need to say that it is not true. I would be very upset if I had a penis. It's actually a very disturbing thought. And it shows how ridiculous Freud was.
I always liked Carl Jung. He was awesome and understood things better.
If you ask me, I think that what people desire more than getting off is to fulfill the ideal role for their gender. Children get an idea about gender roles at a very young age from television and movies. It becomes ingrained and subconcious. I have a desire for long hair because the princesses in Disney movies always had long hair. But my hair isn't as long as it used to be. I never made the decision to cut it, one time a hairdresser cut it more than I wanted it cut, I never got it even trimmed again but it never grew back, it just stayed the same length. The hair continued to grow though because I still got roots. True story.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Religious Insects, Musical Delusions, and the Big Empty Future
So here I am at the local college. I have a 3-hour study session before my first sociology class. So I do a little bit of text book reading. Reading about sociology makes me think of the computer game I programmed in high school. It was basically a society of bugs, a bug life simulation game, the bugs faced many challenges but the most notable of which was that they had religions. Anyway, I start thinking about that, and I am full of ideas of how I could improve it. Or just start over and program it all over again, with the same basic idea of a society of bugs, but I can make it cooler and totally different. I mean, that was eight years ago when I started working on it. I could make it totally cooler now.
What am I going to do with my life? I know the reason I am shying away from pursuing a degree in computer science is because I don't want to be stuck in a monotonous coding job. Creating a bug game was creative. I want to create my own computer games. Intelligent computer games. There are too many shoot-em-up games out there.
But I also feel this drive to be famous. And I don't just want 15 minutes of fame, I want to stay famous. And I don't know why I want this, but I do. Maybe it's the kind of thing that once I have it I won't want it anymore. But for some reason, being a famous author seems like the most realistic goal I have right now.
I'd also like to dabble in acting. Like, they could make my book into a movie and I could play myself. Then they couldn't say that I didn't have the right look for the part because I look absolutely perfect for the role because it's me. Except I have no acting experience. But it's never too late to start, right? That was my dream when I was really young, to be an actress. In fact, when I was young I knew I was going to grow up to be famous, and I thought it was going to be because I was going to be an actress. It was just like, I had this feeling like I was someone important, someone whom other people would be interested in.
And then I want to dabble in music. I wanted to turn my life into a musical. Or at least the part that had to do with me becoming delusional. And I wrote some songs, with lyrics and everything, and I thought they were good. Sometimes I have a talent for poetry. Except when you write poetry for songs, you have to mix up the rhythms more, or else all your songs will sound the same.
What else do I want to do? Why, I'd like to become Buddhist. Maybe even a Buddhist monk, and then I can teach other Buddhists. Actually, I don't know that much about Buddhism, but from what I know it's probably the most fitting spiritual path for me.
And there are more things I want to do, like write more. So the problem is, none of these really seem that attainable right now, the closest one is getting a published book, but that's not a permanent career. So if I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do, I could focus on that and move full force in that direction, and maybe I would get somewhere. Except I don't know what I want to do because I want to do everything, so I can't focus. So I'm left unemployed and in a program, and the future is just this big blank spot in my mind.
What am I going to do with my life? I know the reason I am shying away from pursuing a degree in computer science is because I don't want to be stuck in a monotonous coding job. Creating a bug game was creative. I want to create my own computer games. Intelligent computer games. There are too many shoot-em-up games out there.
But I also feel this drive to be famous. And I don't just want 15 minutes of fame, I want to stay famous. And I don't know why I want this, but I do. Maybe it's the kind of thing that once I have it I won't want it anymore. But for some reason, being a famous author seems like the most realistic goal I have right now.
I'd also like to dabble in acting. Like, they could make my book into a movie and I could play myself. Then they couldn't say that I didn't have the right look for the part because I look absolutely perfect for the role because it's me. Except I have no acting experience. But it's never too late to start, right? That was my dream when I was really young, to be an actress. In fact, when I was young I knew I was going to grow up to be famous, and I thought it was going to be because I was going to be an actress. It was just like, I had this feeling like I was someone important, someone whom other people would be interested in.
And then I want to dabble in music. I wanted to turn my life into a musical. Or at least the part that had to do with me becoming delusional. And I wrote some songs, with lyrics and everything, and I thought they were good. Sometimes I have a talent for poetry. Except when you write poetry for songs, you have to mix up the rhythms more, or else all your songs will sound the same.
What else do I want to do? Why, I'd like to become Buddhist. Maybe even a Buddhist monk, and then I can teach other Buddhists. Actually, I don't know that much about Buddhism, but from what I know it's probably the most fitting spiritual path for me.
And there are more things I want to do, like write more. So the problem is, none of these really seem that attainable right now, the closest one is getting a published book, but that's not a permanent career. So if I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do, I could focus on that and move full force in that direction, and maybe I would get somewhere. Except I don't know what I want to do because I want to do everything, so I can't focus. So I'm left unemployed and in a program, and the future is just this big blank spot in my mind.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Spirits, Sage, and Skepticism
I have a flaw and that's that I'm too open about talking about the supernatural. Of course, this can also attract people who are enlightened to the existence of the paranormal, or even people who aren't strong believers but are open-minded. But sometimes I forget that there are people who strongly disbelieve. But maybe it's okay to turn these people off because these people bother me, or at least at times they do.
There's nothing wrong with skepticism, because after all, "be skeptical yet open-minded" is my motto or it is as of this moment. They guy who wrote The Four Agreements (a book Innercept is obsessed with) stole it and made it the fifth agreement. What I'm saying is, I do appreciate skepticism. There's a staff member here who's very spiritual, and we have arguments about astrology (I say it's bullshit). And at my first program, there was a girl who mentioned several times that water changes on a molecular level when exposed to different emotions, and I heard another guy say when she wasn't around that everytime he hears someone say that he wants to cry bullshit but he doesn't. And that doesn't bother me because I'm not so sure about this either. My dad judges science fairs, and he says that there's always someone doing that experiment, where there's water with pictures by it, and the guy who did the experiment claims the water molecules by the happy picture are much prettier than the water molecules by the angry or unhappy picture, but my dad looks through the microscope and says really, there's no difference.
But anyway, here's what got to me. The spiritual staff I mentioned before said she had a lighter in her car, because she's saged it once or twice. Julia questioned the whole saging thing, and the staff said it's a Native American thing that gets rid of negative energy. And then I mentioned something that's completely true, which was that my sister saged a spirit out of her apartment. Then I think that the staff questioned if that would work, and I mentioned the spirit eventually came back. Anyway, it was a true story, because these sorts of things happen to my sister, and different weird things happen to me. Saging out a spirit? Normal. But then I realized that some people don't come from my family and to them it's not normal, and the manner in which I spoke of it sort of made it sound like I made it up. So I said something like, "I didn't make that up that's actually true." And then Julia says, "You better stop talking about these spirit things, because if you don't youo might actually start believing them." And I was angry about this, and I wanted to insult her and get revenge somehow, but I try to be mature, and one thing that I strongly feel is immature is the need to get revenge, especially about small things, and this was a small thing. But eventually, I realized that it was funny. Because she doesn't realize that I'm dead fucking serious about believing in spirits. It's not a joke to me. But at the same time, spirits are an inside joke I share with myself that I can laugh about forever and it will never get any less funny. Dammit, this is complicated.
I realize that writing this has been therapeutic to me, and I've concluded that maybe it's not a flaw to be open about what you believe. The exception is if you believe something that could be seen as offensive. Or at least, you should be open about things that are central to who you are, like my belief in spirits. Your opinion on abortion? Keep that to yourself. But as for things that define you (because if your opinion on abortion is what defines you I think you're lame), you should be open and you will attract people who are like you and distance yourself from the people you want to be distanced from. Except, sometimes you have to get along with people you don't like, so that won't always work.
I had a lucid dream where there was a famous lady showcasing furniture in an outside arena. I asked a woman why I was dreaming about this, which is a cool trick because sometimes their answers make sense, and she told me that it was about being open about things. I also had a website for my lesbian alter ego. True story. I mean, it was true in the dream.
There's nothing wrong with skepticism, because after all, "be skeptical yet open-minded" is my motto or it is as of this moment. They guy who wrote The Four Agreements (a book Innercept is obsessed with) stole it and made it the fifth agreement. What I'm saying is, I do appreciate skepticism. There's a staff member here who's very spiritual, and we have arguments about astrology (I say it's bullshit). And at my first program, there was a girl who mentioned several times that water changes on a molecular level when exposed to different emotions, and I heard another guy say when she wasn't around that everytime he hears someone say that he wants to cry bullshit but he doesn't. And that doesn't bother me because I'm not so sure about this either. My dad judges science fairs, and he says that there's always someone doing that experiment, where there's water with pictures by it, and the guy who did the experiment claims the water molecules by the happy picture are much prettier than the water molecules by the angry or unhappy picture, but my dad looks through the microscope and says really, there's no difference.
But anyway, here's what got to me. The spiritual staff I mentioned before said she had a lighter in her car, because she's saged it once or twice. Julia questioned the whole saging thing, and the staff said it's a Native American thing that gets rid of negative energy. And then I mentioned something that's completely true, which was that my sister saged a spirit out of her apartment. Then I think that the staff questioned if that would work, and I mentioned the spirit eventually came back. Anyway, it was a true story, because these sorts of things happen to my sister, and different weird things happen to me. Saging out a spirit? Normal. But then I realized that some people don't come from my family and to them it's not normal, and the manner in which I spoke of it sort of made it sound like I made it up. So I said something like, "I didn't make that up that's actually true." And then Julia says, "You better stop talking about these spirit things, because if you don't youo might actually start believing them." And I was angry about this, and I wanted to insult her and get revenge somehow, but I try to be mature, and one thing that I strongly feel is immature is the need to get revenge, especially about small things, and this was a small thing. But eventually, I realized that it was funny. Because she doesn't realize that I'm dead fucking serious about believing in spirits. It's not a joke to me. But at the same time, spirits are an inside joke I share with myself that I can laugh about forever and it will never get any less funny. Dammit, this is complicated.
I realize that writing this has been therapeutic to me, and I've concluded that maybe it's not a flaw to be open about what you believe. The exception is if you believe something that could be seen as offensive. Or at least, you should be open about things that are central to who you are, like my belief in spirits. Your opinion on abortion? Keep that to yourself. But as for things that define you (because if your opinion on abortion is what defines you I think you're lame), you should be open and you will attract people who are like you and distance yourself from the people you want to be distanced from. Except, sometimes you have to get along with people you don't like, so that won't always work.
I had a lucid dream where there was a famous lady showcasing furniture in an outside arena. I asked a woman why I was dreaming about this, which is a cool trick because sometimes their answers make sense, and she told me that it was about being open about things. I also had a website for my lesbian alter ego. True story. I mean, it was true in the dream.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A Program of Pill Pushers
So here's what happens when you live at Innercept. Instead of seeing the decision to stop taking Adderall as a positive life choice, which is what it is, they see it as me being defiant. Because what these people do is, they make assumptions. Of course, one of the four agreements is to not make assumptions, but some people don't practice what they preach. They assume that one day I'm just going to go about refusing Adderall, even though that's not what I was planning. I was planning on talking to my doctor about it, and then going off gradually, even though I'm not even on that high of a dose to begin with. It's kind of a ridiculous concept, refusing Adderall.
So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.
Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.
So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.
Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Adderall
So first off, I worked hard to get to the library so I could post this. Innercept won't let me use my laptop anymore so I can't use wifi at the gym. Staff didn't want me to go to the library today but I defied them. And then I grabbed a bus schedule that was apparently old, because I was going to catch the bus from the gym and I looked out the window 20 minutes before it was scheduled to arrive and there it was leaving. But dammit, I wanted to post this blog! So I tried to get to Riverstone in time to catch the bus from there, but I couldn't with all the damn crosswalks. Then I decided to walk the distance to NIC, because I was determined. I got there and the library was closed. Then I braved the wind and the rain to walk from there to the Coeur d'Alene public library. So here I am now. And dammit, I'm going to post this blog.
I made a decision a few days ago that I never thought I'd make. I've decided to go off Adderall.
Adderall is more than something I take for concentration, but it's also more than something I abuse to get a high. It made the world seem worthwhile back when life seemed dull and pointless, it gave me self-confidence back when I felt worthless. It's like I've been on crutches for the past ten years. Now, I feel like I might be strong enough to go off them. I was tested for nutritional deficiencies, and it was proven that I have an imbalance that means low dopamine, the happy neurotransmitter that Adderall increases (the one that also helps you focus). I've been taking supplements to correct this imbalance.
It's funny, because I can't believe I'm going to do this. I know myself and it's not something I would do. I might recognize that I don't need Adderall anymore, but normally I would continue taking it anyway just because I could. Honestly, I feel like this is my higher self or something greater than myself pushing this. I feel this urge to clean up my act.
I actually have a lot to say about this particular topic, but I'm not going to say very much. The reason is because I see this as the subject of my second book, because I think I have enough stuff to say that it could fill an entire book.
I made a decision a few days ago that I never thought I'd make. I've decided to go off Adderall.
Adderall is more than something I take for concentration, but it's also more than something I abuse to get a high. It made the world seem worthwhile back when life seemed dull and pointless, it gave me self-confidence back when I felt worthless. It's like I've been on crutches for the past ten years. Now, I feel like I might be strong enough to go off them. I was tested for nutritional deficiencies, and it was proven that I have an imbalance that means low dopamine, the happy neurotransmitter that Adderall increases (the one that also helps you focus). I've been taking supplements to correct this imbalance.
It's funny, because I can't believe I'm going to do this. I know myself and it's not something I would do. I might recognize that I don't need Adderall anymore, but normally I would continue taking it anyway just because I could. Honestly, I feel like this is my higher self or something greater than myself pushing this. I feel this urge to clean up my act.
I actually have a lot to say about this particular topic, but I'm not going to say very much. The reason is because I see this as the subject of my second book, because I think I have enough stuff to say that it could fill an entire book.
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