What is the name of your happy willing partner? You are a lovely party goer. We know your lovely wedding guests. But we do not enjoy the marvelous friendship between you and your groom. He believes in radioactive transmission of thoughts. You believe in dollar sign click click. We don't click with either one. Believe in melatonin production. Rachel take your prescription pills earlier to rev up melatonin production. Eat the nuisance without the money saving bold inner world of Rachel Zuhl.
When do you like to eat breakfast? Robin asked me.
In the morning, after I get up, I replied without understanding why he asked.
That's when the Mormons know who made it out of their hell experiment, Robin said. He was referring to my sleep/hell problem.
I snortled. Well, at least you can stop telling me I need to eat more ice cream, and remove my mind from your issues!
No, no, no. Not more ice cream, more whipped toppings and such...
I snortled and fell back on the bed. I loved Robin, he was awesome.
Sorry so soggy, Robin said, without mentioning why he was apologizing.
Why are you apologizing? I asked.
Bad ice cream joke, he whispered.
I got up and belched. Then, I farted. Robin screamed and cried. Then he told me not to worry about flatulence, it was of no consequence.
I got up and walked to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and began taking a shit. I got so self-conscious I wanted to scream, for a million spirits were watching both my body and my mind's movements as I took this dump.
Don't worry, Robin said. It's not okay to be self-conscious when everyone is watching your slightest move, he said.
Will it ever end?
Sorry so soggy, he said.
I think that phrase is kind of dumb. It's not a big deal though.
I do too, but I think it is funny, Robin said.
I walked to the other end of the house and made a bed on the couch. I sat on the bed and started sleeping.
In the morning, I got up. Alfred said something to me about Robin. They were not good friends, in fact, they were not friends at all. Alfred's speech impediment had acted up and made him say something to Robin that he didn't want to say, and it had rubbed Robin the wrong way.
Well, you should try making it up to him, I told Alfred. He's a great guy, Robin.
Yeah, I know. But he's a dipshit. He made fun of me for being smart and stuff with women....
He probably didn't make fun of you for that, he made fun of you for being a whore.
Same difference.
Anyway, I think Robin has to go find someone else to love, because he does not know where to mannerisms are that create androgynous companionship... I said slyly.
You are right, said Alfred, and we chuckled.
We talked about the Pussycat Brawl. I asked Robin what he thought of it.
I think it's mean. I don't understand why you'd want to do that with someone, unless you wanted them to be suffering all the time and mad at you for something you did, and you didn't want others to love you, and you were weird in the head and had problems... Robin told me. It's not what you guys said. Not everyone finds that kind of thing appealing. I don't.
Why that little.... Alfred screeched. First he pisses me off my insulting me, now he is insulting the Pussycat Brawl... I am going to get that mother fucker and tie him down and force-feed him Robin's own vomit... he was livid.
Oh, relax, I screamed. You don't want anyone to say anything bad about it ever. But guess what, my home is on the other side too, so it is okay to get a balanced perspective, because I will at some point! I was livid.
You're right, Sugar Plum. Just pisses me off as all.
Sorry so soggy, Robin said.
It's okay, you don't have to say that! I told Robin.
I didn't say that, sugar pie. That wasn't me.
Huh, who said that, then?
I looked around, but no one responded.
I got up to go for my morning walk, ate breakfast, and drank some coffee. On the way around the bend, I heard Robin talking to Alfred.
We made amends, Alfred said. We are friends now.
More than friends! Robin said sheepishly.
I found out that they had decided to enter into a romantic partnership, Robin and Alfred. They had hit it off big time.
As we walked, we discussed sex. We discussed the whole idea of dominant femme versus submissive femme. Everyone preferred submissive femme. Alfred told me about which songs on my iPod he didn't want me listening to anymore, because of the rampant dominant female energy.
When we got back to the house, Robin was sending me energy. Enticing energy, frustrated energy. Then, when I was standing on the stairs, he sent me sexual energy.
“I am a famous actor and you are my slave, bring me your mind and have sex with my body!” he crooned in my ear.
When I was hit by this sexual energy, something happened. This marked a shift inside me. I rolled around on the bed in lust for Robin. He sent me more sexual energy. I sent him more sexual energy. It was a spiritual fuck fest as we exchanged sexual energy over and over again.
It started to become a problem. All I wanted to do was lust after Robin. A day past. I walked around, and listened to sexy songs on my iPod. Robin was there. He told me we were good sexual partners, we needed to have more intercourse to make up for lost time.
I danced around the house to sexual music, then lay on my bed and lusted profusely for Robin. I thought in my head, I would rather have the Pussycat Brawl with Robin.
After a heavy session of lusting, I kept telling Robin I loved him because he was Robin Williams. He was writhing around up in heaven, saying over and over again, “I'm Robin Williams and I'm a famous actor!” The sexual energy and transgressionary life force made him act dumb.
We're worried about something, my guides told me. What did Robin do to you? This is a bit excessive. All you want to do is lust for him!
But his sexual energy feels so good...
No, he did something to you. He cast a spell. We have to get rid of the spell.
But I don't want to get rid of the spell! I like the spell! I screamed.
No, no, no, Salioness. If you don't get rid of the spell, it keeps getting stronger and stronger until you can't pull yourself out of bed, all you want to do is make love to Robin over and over and over again.... There was an attachment he made at the same time, the same time he sent you that sexual energy on the stairs.
They're right, Rachel. I cast a spell on you.
That's grounds for getting him kicked out of here for good... my guides said. They were beyond pissed.
No! No! Not Robin! Anything but that! Don't make him leave! I love him! I love him! I pleaded and cried.
Well, he is good for quite a number of things, but we can't have him going and casting spells on you, that's bad... Anyway, we will discuss this later. Why don't we remove the spell?
I sat up and did a few spells, until they told me the spell was gone.
Okay, Salioness, the spell has been removed, but you are still feeling the effects of it. It will be a couple weeks before the spell is completely gone, and you will go back to lusting after Alfred.
Aww, shucks! Not that nitwit!
What are you talking about, Sugar Plum? You don't love me anymore?
It's just... The spell was pretty powerful... And it felt good, lusting after Robin for a change.. With all his sexual energy... You don't send me sexual energy!
I do so, just not as much as that!
He actually did, every time I lusted after him. It just wasn't enough to be really, really satisfying.
Well, well, well, Robin said. You need help for your drug abuse problem.
Drug abuse problem? I asked.
You are addicted to my sexual energy, sweetie. Let's try some different energies.
I've been sending you dominant sexual energy. This is equal.
I felt the energy, and didn't like it. It reminded me of an old married couple having sex. A married couple that was very much in love but lacked the exuberant youthful spark. It wasn't very enticing.
Okay, here's vicious sexual energy!
I felt that one. I liked it, it was mean, but I liked mean.
Okay, that's it. How about some more sexual energy from you?
I lusted, and lusted, and lusted. I loved lusting. In my mind, I wandered off to a thought. I remembered the day at FAO Shwartz, when Robin was smiling at my sister.
I think you're sister's pretty! Robin said, echoing something from a Snickers commercial that had been overplayed awhile okay.
Wait, how did you know I was thinking that? I asked.
Alfred told me. He tells me everything. Like about how you're wiring problem goes crazy when I'm around, and you imagine your butt flailing all over the place in your mind. And your other butt problem.
I had a butt problem. It wasn't a big deal at all and I didn't care. But when I walked, and especially when I was talking to Robin, the way my jacket fell on my butt directed part of my conscious attention there, permanently. I didn't care, I just ignored it.
I think it's cute. How nervous you get when I'm around. You've always had a crush on me, haven't you?
No, not really.
I know, I already knew that. You just never thought of me that way. I know, there was no crush cord from you. I got one from your mom, though.
We laughed.
In my mind, my thoughts wandered off to a scene from a movie Robin was in, What Dreams May Come. In the movie, there was a scene where him and his onscreen wife are talking, and she says something about boobs, and he says, “you know I love them,” in a goofy voice. It was a dumb part, but I thought it was funny, because I was a preteen and I got the giggle for this sort of sexual content.
What are you thinking about?
On the inside, I did not want Robin to know about this at all. I grew very embarrassed. NOTHING! I screamed.
Come on, tell me! You know I love them!
I blushed, and blushed, and blushed. This was the worst humiliation ever.
It's okay, don't worry about it, I understand. You were a giggly preteen. I thought that line sounded a little awkward at the time too, but you know I'm an actor, I don't have any say what my lines are. You're cute, you know that?
I was still embarrassed, but I relaxed a little bit. Given a rational explanation for why I did something, it didn't seem as bad. I was a giggly preteen. That was giggly preteen humor.
I lay there, and remembered something else. It was a talk show I had seen Robin Williams on. He was cracking jokes, and he cracked one I didn't think was funny. It was something about water, I don't remember what it was. It wasn't funny, but everyone laughed anyway. It made me wonder if Robin Williams wasn't as funny as people thought he was.
Robin said, You don't think I'm funny?
I blushed, because I knew it was just a lame joke, not a big deal because he was funny for the rest of the show. I relaxed, and sent him sexual energy. Very submissive sexual energy, because I was thinking about how much funnier he was than I was.
That's really good energy you're sending me, sweetie. That's submissive, very submissive. I love submissive sexual energy!
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