I laugh when I watch TV now. My parents comment on it, get dismayed, think there's something wrong with me. I go to a movie and laugh, and my mom shushes me. Don't laugh now. Don't laugh. This isn't a funny part. That's Adderall for you, bitch. The zombification of Rachel.
Do you believe in fairies? Sylvia Browne asked me.
No, not really, I said back.
Well, I'm sorry I gave you bad advice last summer. I had just finished crossing over, and I didn't understand what was going on. I thought you might be making people think you were psychic, and they would be upset because they were jealous.
I wasn't worried about that... I wouldn't care about making people jealous. I was worried about people thinking I was schizophrenic, I told Sylvia.
Well, no worries... It's not a big whoop either way. I like you, I'm sorry for what I did to the psychic/medium profession. I had my heart set on money, from the start, Sylvia said to me.
That's not a big deal, I imagine that a lot of them are like that. I liked your book I read, it was informative, like the thing about cocoons. That is accurate. Some of the other stuff isn't accurate, like the thing about everyone being age 30 on the other side.
I know, I didn't make that up... Someone told me that. I channeled a lot of spirits for help on that book. Francine helped me with other matters, but not as much as I wanted to think she was helping. A lot of the times, I would channel random spirits and mention that they were Francine, even if they were not.
That's not a good idea, I said. I hope I won't do that.
You will not, you are better at channeling than I was. I wish I could have gotten the conscious/subconscious mind flip, then I could channel all sorts of spirits with no effort!
That's true, it takes no effort at all to channel with the conscious/subconscious mind flip. But I will tell you one thing, you need to worry less about your image on Earth. All psychics are scorned and ridiculed by troubled folk known as atheists.
I know, I remember what that was like... I had people come up to me and threaten to shoot me, they were so mad that I had deceived innocent grieving folk into thinking I was channeling their loved ones. I thought it was mean. They knew nothing about what I did. They just assumed, because they didn't believe in mediumship, that no one could do it properly.
Well, we know that eventually, I will silence those folks. I don't know how, I don't believe I can do it even, but they told me I would, I told Sylvia.
Well, you are a good candidate. Don't worry about your doubts. They will lessen in time. After awhile, you will stop doubting it at all, and you will only believe. For now, just look at the small things that prove that you are not delusional, she said.
Well, I do that, but it's not enough. I need big things.
You will get them soon enough, I am telling you. For now, just wait. Remember that we are here for you, and we believe you are psychic.
Chapter 91
I wish the defiling of my innocence was as happy as yours.
What do you do for fun? Asked Maya Angelou.
I watch television, listen to music, and go for walks, I told her mischeviously.
Well, you need to work on having more fun, because I know for a fact you don't enjoy television as much as you could, she said.
I do not, but I like the noise, I said. I like the way Bill O'Reilly covers the news. He is a gem. I love him.
Well, we all know you love Bill O'Reilly. But do you love Rush Limbaugh?
I adore him so much it makes my head spin and my eyes tear! I said sheepishly.
Well, well, well. Looks like you have yourself a fantasy date!
No, no, no. I don't like him like that! We don't even know each other! I said bashfully.
Well, I think I detect a note of lust in your voice...
I like him, alright? You know he's fine! He's fine! HE'S FINE!!!!
There you go. Seems like you needed to get that out in the open, doesn't it?
I think you think he is cute and that's why you are saying all this, I told Maya.
I think he is a nitwit, but I understand why you'd like him, she said mischieviously.
Well, well, well. The truth comes out. She hates Rush Limbaugh. The woman who loves everyone.
SHUT UP!!! I don't hate him, I love him like a brother!
You need to work on your hatred issues, Miss Maya!
You need to work on your sexual frustration issues, Rachel Zuhl! He is married! He has a wife! You will not get to hook up with Rush Limbaugh!
I will not! That's fine! I don't want to hook up with Rush Limbaugh!
He would not care if you touched his penis, Rachel Zuhl.
I would care! That's grody!
You would like it, wouldn't you?
Not really, no!
When will you understand that there are no secrets here. If you want to hook up with Rush Limbaugh, that's fine. But we don't want you to. It would ruin his career and your career in one fall swoop.
Well, well, well. Who has the crush on Rachel now? I think you have a crush on me, Maya Angelou!
I do not! I like you and all, but I don't have a “crush” on you. I have a sexual attraction to you, missy.
Well, well, well. It's another soul, after the virtuous one.
It is so. It is enticing. Well, well, well. We can have spirit sex if you want.
I am attached, thank you very much. Maybe, if that one guy says it's okay...
Well, well, well. Seems like you need a friend from the afterlife. Want a backrub? Alfred does not want you in his life anymore, seems he found another woman...
Well, well, well. You are a good woman, Maya, but you know how much my friends mean to me. Alfred is a good man, he has many woman friends. I am his favorite.
Well, well, well. That's not it. You need a backrub.
What is God? Maya Angelou asked me one night, after dinner.
He is my friend! I screamed.
Yeah, but what is he? Mind? Matter? Essence?
He's a living, breathing soul. He has thoughts and feelings and emotions. When he works out, his biceps bulge. He is a smart cookie with better bodily functions than me, for he needs no one to remove his cockroach from his pants.
Well, well, well. You love God, this is true. Where do you find the other princesses which you believe don't need God? Your sister? Where does she go when the lights go out?
My sister is not an atheist, she believes in stuff and things. When he removes me from his friends list, I show up again already, for I have him on multiple accounts. What's this? A friends request from God? Accept! Accept! Accept!
That is fine and dandy, but what you need is a movie show of you and God together. Why don't you work on that?
I think it's a good idea not to have too many movie shows, for they warp the mind into a shape incapable of being bent back.
That's hogwash! You know it can bend back if you use the right tools!
Silly, silly, silly. She is one silly mother fucker, that Maya Angelou.
Well, well, well. Time for a nap! Zzzzzzz....
Hogwash! She doesn't need sleep! Her brainwaves do not reciprocate the gesture!
Hogwash! I need rest and fuel just like you do...
Hogwash! She is full of crab apple! She needs no rest, fuel, or sanctity of life poster! She is a woman who loves the act of disengaging from conversations for better things, like a cute young man who just entered!
Lucille Ball entered the room. She was looking like a man, as she was a masculine spirit.
Why, looky here! Lucille! My favorite! Mwah! I think we need to talk about our friendship some more...
I sighed. How awful. She was in love with Lucy, like everyone used to be.
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