Mental Breakdown Eminent, Where Did I Go Wrong?

My sanity is drifting away... Some thoughts on the situation. First off, probably not a good idea to focus so much on posting Facebook statuses, what a dumbass activity. Probably should have stayed at Innercept longer, or at least Couer D'Alene. I wanted to, my parents wouldn't let me, it was this situation where I came home and I had to cling to my sanity somehow. Wasn't a bad idea at the time, seems like at some point I should have redirected focus away from this activity that wasn't going anyway. The consensus on the spiritual plane, since Subbie didn't actualy disappear here, I kind of went kaput after Chance died. Another thought is "training" me by not allowing me to be able to make conversation when I was younger, nothing good about that situation. The thing is it didn't seem like I messed up by not walking up to people and trying to make conversation, my conversation was particularly drab. It seemed like I was too stupid to make conversation, and it was a defense mechanism that I told myself I was just shy, and I recognize that now. Not shy, stupid. Actually I think it's a good thing I'm off psyche meds, like my thoughts are clearer, but the big thing it seems was stopping drinking allowed my judgment to clear up and see there was nothing good about this spirit guide situation. And everything they ever said to me was along the lines of, you are little miss perfect, it was pretty over the top. For awhile they said I was like the best soul ever, then it turned into no there are plenty of other souls as good as you, maybe even some better... The thing is I'm not mean ever, not usually, except when I'm starting to have a mental breakdown and I notice that and concerns me, I knew it was temporary and it was. I figure there must be some problem they aren't telling me about that I have, not sure exactly how to put it into words. Being mean isn't the only thing that could be a problem. What the fuck is up with this ridiculous rape fantasy situation my guides wanted to popularize? What a fucking stupid idea, god dammit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life what the fuck? Yes, let's make a public service announcement that women like to be raped, fucking genius idea guides. It goes against my spiritual belief system that there would be a plot to ruin my life by spirits, maybe my spiritual belief system is wrong. My mood is weird as fuck. Like I am strangely not feeling bad, but hahaha no I feel like shit at the same time. I have to go because my nose itches. Itches. Itches. Itches. Itches.