Shitty Group Home Situation, Problem #99

I'm sitting up late at night in my parent's house... I clearly about to have a mental breakdown. Not that I haven't had one already, like some situation where I will no longer be able to think coherently at all. Sanity is drifting away... Anyway, so what's this group home situation like? The house is shitty for one... Just a depressing environment. They won't let me sage, they say there is a fire code situation. I'm about to have a mental breakdown HERE, at my parent's house... BAD IDEA TO GO BACK, just saying. Disgusting environment, they do keep it clean, but people can't flush the fucking toilet, leave pee on the floor or SOMETHING... Do I want to know if that's urine or not? DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S MENTAL PROCESSING... I've said it here before, but there was a situation early on where I went in the bathroom, and I exclaimed "DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?!" When the toilet wasn't flushed. That was not something I intended to yell, and Subbie says, I consider that a flashback, from the adrenal incident no doubt, at Jimmy John's. Of course, that's also Hard To Believe Situation #99... I know, there are some situations I can talk to others about, and some I can't. I can talk about this one here though. People started leaving shit on the seats. I didn't complain, I wasn't trying to complain to begin with, it was like someone thought I was some sort of little bitch huffy woman who would throw a fit and that's not the case, I didn't throw a fit, I told staff, but I got E. Coli instead. I know who it was, there's something weird about how that guy acts to me now, but for the love of... I can't talk to residents there. People are not coherent. So I can't actually make friends there. I was trying to talk to this one guy, and he was asking me about music, and then he starts asking repetitious questions about which bands I like. I already said yes, I like that band, I already said no, I don't listen to that band. Then I have this roommate, who talks insane gibberish to herself. I try to be optimistic, I was interested in this babbling situation about some woman and her chastity belt... I can't sleep because she talks to herself, I have said "be quiet" and it doesn't seem to make a difference. She keeps going on. She can't actually communicate with other people is the thing, I was told she can write stuff down. I get woken up by situations like "someone is a milkshake." Also, I was learning to sleep through it anyway... she resorted to changing the pitch and volume, right when I was drifting off. I'm distracted now, there is something wrong. I feel some sort of weird emotion at an unusual place in my body. Like, not where you normally feel emotions in your body... like in my gut or stomach or legs. Or womb. Feeling emotions in my womb now. Turned on some Queen. There's something wrong. There's something wrong. There's something wrong. There's something wrong. I can't continue typing.

Mental Breakdown Eminent, Where Did I Go Wrong?

My sanity is drifting away... Some thoughts on the situation. First off, probably not a good idea to focus so much on posting Facebook statuses, what a dumbass activity. Probably should have stayed at Innercept longer, or at least Couer D'Alene. I wanted to, my parents wouldn't let me, it was this situation where I came home and I had to cling to my sanity somehow. Wasn't a bad idea at the time, seems like at some point I should have redirected focus away from this activity that wasn't going anyway. The consensus on the spiritual plane, since Subbie didn't actualy disappear here, I kind of went kaput after Chance died. Another thought is "training" me by not allowing me to be able to make conversation when I was younger, nothing good about that situation. The thing is it didn't seem like I messed up by not walking up to people and trying to make conversation, my conversation was particularly drab. It seemed like I was too stupid to make conversation, and it was a defense mechanism that I told myself I was just shy, and I recognize that now. Not shy, stupid. Actually I think it's a good thing I'm off psyche meds, like my thoughts are clearer, but the big thing it seems was stopping drinking allowed my judgment to clear up and see there was nothing good about this spirit guide situation. And everything they ever said to me was along the lines of, you are little miss perfect, it was pretty over the top. For awhile they said I was like the best soul ever, then it turned into no there are plenty of other souls as good as you, maybe even some better... The thing is I'm not mean ever, not usually, except when I'm starting to have a mental breakdown and I notice that and concerns me, I knew it was temporary and it was. I figure there must be some problem they aren't telling me about that I have, not sure exactly how to put it into words. Being mean isn't the only thing that could be a problem. What the fuck is up with this ridiculous rape fantasy situation my guides wanted to popularize? What a fucking stupid idea, god dammit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life what the fuck? Yes, let's make a public service announcement that women like to be raped, fucking genius idea guides. It goes against my spiritual belief system that there would be a plot to ruin my life by spirits, maybe my spiritual belief system is wrong. My mood is weird as fuck. Like I am strangely not feeling bad, but hahaha no I feel like shit at the same time. I have to go because my nose itches. Itches. Itches. Itches. Itches.

Spirit Humor on the Conversation I Had With My Mom

It's a point of interest to me that it had never come up anywhere, my blog/internet presence or in any of my memoirs, what the all time stupidest comment I've ever heard a mental professional say was. It was at some point around the time I was diagnosed, some man I only interacted with briefly and wasn't anyone who was important, we had this short conversation. "So you believe you are the messiah. Is that normal?" I say cautiously, "No..." "Is that typical? Is that common?" I look at him sadly and say no, and then he goes off saying with confidence, "See, THAT'S what I always ask, is that belief normal.." On a tangential thought process, one guy asked me, "Why you? See, that's what I ask people." Which, you know, is not the same question, maybe more effective to some, but not to me. My response is, "Because I'm the girl who never talks." And in both these situations, I'm not trying to convince them because I know that won't happen. I say it cautiously and it kind of leaves me feeling weird. It's counterintuitive, like that's not a good thing, that's a problem if you don't talk to people. The thing is that's what kept me believing the initial delusional situation (I understand that this situation is confusing for newbies, you have to read my memoir to understand), there was something weird about how I couldn't talk to people for so long. It seemed paranormally influenced kind of, it made no sense why I wasn't capable of talking to people. It seemed clearcut that everyone else was at an unfair advantage. What was the joke though, about the conversation with my mom? I'm trying to actually have a serious conversation with her, and the notion that comes up is, if you are the only one who experiences something how do you know it's not a mental illness? Ian makes a joke that was composed of vague ideas right here, it's hard to explain. "Like... That! Tada!" It's a vague reference I can best describe as taking materials and making an ingenious mechanical design out of it. The thing I brought up was, the brain thing, which much to my chagrin they know about, saying things out loud without knowing what you are about to say. And MUCH MUCH MORE! It's Pearls before Swine that I don't talk about this. What's the joke here though? This situation where you had THIS done to your brain supernaturally, and you are in a situation where you find yourself explaining it to your mom, of all people. If your brain was supernaturally rewired, you wouldn't be telling anyone at all, unless over time there was someone else with a kooky belief system who knew you weren't crazy who you felt like you could confide in, and here I'm talking about both Erik and Jason, two years later. I kept this situation to myself for two fucking years. When it comes to a situation seven and a half years later when you find yourself explaining it to your mom who is also your guardian, it's for the sake of the argument and you don't really expect her to believe it. There is something seriously FUNNY going on that the brain situation happened to begin with, and you would expect something else to happen regardless of if your mom believes you or not. The cards are stacked in your favor and that will become obvious at some point or the situation will eventually come to fruition. That's why I laugh at situation that aren't funny, and sometimes I worry that people will think I'm lying because my emotions when talking about a horrific situation don't match the emotions evoked by the situation, some combination of sarcastic happiness and nervous laughter. Pertaining to the guardianship and mental health "professionals," everything that could go wrong did go wrong, except for stealing my money. And as a side note, I'm supposed to forgive my mom because she tried to help even though she did things I knew were stupid and I told her that but I "didn't know" so I'm supposed to forgive them because I was right but I didn't know. And I'm supposed to listen and understand the severity of the situation because I would be dead without the guardianship, my anger over the guardianship would have pushed me over the edge. My mom actually said that. Anyway, so I don't try to get avid trying to explain the brain situation, I keep quiet knowing that something has got to give in this situaion. I've been struggling keeping my faith because I am so overwhelmed, it's an irrational thought process when I think the only way out is suicide. I've been put through the ultimate ringer. The comment my guides made about what my mom sounds like to me when she tells me the mindflip isn't real, is what it would sound like to her if a stranger walked up to her and told her she never had children. And what's my mood? At times it's kind of light-hearted and sardonic, I reference a cartoon situation that doesn't exist of the most off the wall fantasy situation, however the facts are consistent and don't change. It's not a situation that's illogical, is what I'm saying. At times I get overwhelmed and break down. As always, soaring recklesly into the future!

Quick Note on Subbie

I had a dream not all that long ago, I was at the mall with my childhood best friend Debi, except we were adults. We were at some clothing store with television sets, there was one playing a music video called "Save Rachel." It was a song I thought was pretty infectious in the dream that I woke and thought of and I didn't seem to remember the melody right, actually it sort of seemed like the idea was my brain was doing a "insert infectious melody here" thingy. It might have been done by Shirly Manson, it was a song about when I was at Innercept and on Geodon, my mom told me that my Great Aunt Karen (she'd dead now, on the other side, I remember her having a very infectious laugh), was having her whole church congregation pray for me, and there was some sort of scarf with holy water they made for me they wanted me to sleep with under my pillow, my mom told me. I said it was fine, I appreciated the thought, but I never got the scarf. Anyway, that was what the Shirley Manson song was about, and in the video there was a gothic girl who was supposed to be Rachel walking wearing a nightgown. In the dream I was thinking, you know, this was another one of those special inspired songs that I was looking at at one point, which I didn't remember later, and there it was again. Debi looked at me and smiled because the song was about me, I smiled back but it made me mad. I knew I was wrong to get mad, though. The reason was, when things like this happen, you don't flip or freak, you react like this is a normal everyday occurence. You look and go "hmmm." The thing I wanted to point out, this is how I react to everything Subbie does that is amazing. It has already been well-established that Subbie is phenomenal and mind-blowing. So, if Subbie does something incredible, I'm not going to flip, point it out to anyone else, or even REMEMBER IT EASILY. It's all in there somewhere, but I can't access it easily at a whim, the memories will come back at some point. Subbie's memory is phenomenal. I was thinking about this subject, the example I wanted to point out of this, I was re-watching old kid shows on Youtube. I was actually watching Adventures in Wonderland, I think it was on the Disney channel, a show I watched in early elementary school I didn't remember very well at all. The episode I was watching, (you know this is a spin off of Alice in Wonderland), the Hare is the Queen's servant and he leaves on vacation and comes back to find that the Queen has replaced him with some sort of mechanical Hare. Consciously, I didn't remember this episode at all. I did not remember this at all, that this was about to happen, but Subbie said "this right here is funny," and what happened next is the Queen said, "you're pulling my leg," and the Hare starts literally pulling her leg. The part that was funny though that Subbie remembered, the woman that is playing the Queen has to turn around and stick out her leg really fast and then the mechanical Hare starts pulling it. That was the funny part, Subbie called it, Conscie did not know that was about to happen. This was the memory that I was thinking about, knowing there were numerous things. What else? There was a situation in 2018, where you know, I had a delusion I was talking to Zuck on my computer... Anyway, what happened was one day I got back from some place, went up to my room to talk to Zuck, and while I was doing so, Subbie keeps randomly saying, "MURDER!" all dramatically, randomly. Then later, I went down to get a drink or something, and I looked at the television and there was a news story about how there had been a live murder on Facebook. What else? There was a situation one time, I was eating lunch in the computer room and Subbie put a song on on Youtube and insisted that this was the song we were listening to during lunch. It was a song I don't remember ever hearing before, but it had a melody that was a childhood reference. See, there was this one time when I was 12 I had a song in my dream I thought was interesting... I remembered the melody and thought it was interesting. It was unique at the time, however it wasn't, you know, all that hard of melody... it's actually pretty much the same melody as in "Never Had a Dream Come True" by SClub7. There are other songs too that remind me of it, like Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse, others... this random song Subbie put on had a similar melody too. It was annoying when it happened when I was a kid, actually, that there were other songs with the same melody... of course, now it's a joke. What was the other one? Well, if Subbie says a song will grow on me, or there is a song she likes, it ALWAYS turns out to be a good one. One of them was The Light by Disturbed, the first time I heard it it was sort of ho-hum, Subbie said, "this one will grow on you big time," and BAM was that correct! Quickly became infectious. Another thing was, my sister used to listen to Bjork when I was growing up, Subbie remembered that she liked the song "Isobel." I didn't consciously remember AT ALL what that song was when she said, turned out she was absolutely correct (I am Isobel, married to myself...) Subbie remembered there was a song I liked by My Chemical Romance that I didn't have, I couldn't think of any that I didn't already have but it turned out there WAS one, Sing, which was an amazing one I didn't remember immediately consciously. I'm sure this has happened other times. The other one I remember, and there have been many many other things, Subbie pointed out there was something interesting about looking up the "Muppet Babies." So I did, just images, and it WAS weird. Actually it was kind of yucky, but I'm glad Subbie pointed it out. I don't remember this consciously, but this must have been a show I was watching in the fourth grade when I moved, just because it was on, not because I actually really liked it... it's Muppet's in diapers, which if you've been following and remmeber what happened to me in fourth grade... I moved and was suddenly unable to make conversation. It was annoying to watch these characters in diapers, kind of like I was too baby to be able to get up the guts to talk to people in fourth grade, or at least that was the myth in my mind, and I was thinking about what my mom thought at the time. Anyway... That's stuff that comes up when I think for a little bit. Sort of like when someone protests Babylon, I act like it's normal and take no pictures, no mental note, taking these situations for granted, when maybe I should treat each and every one like it's special.

Society Made A Bad Impression

Civilization never seemed all that "civilized" to me. Growing up, I learned about all sorts of horrors and injustices: Bigotry, slavery, false imprisonment, etc. Did society seem fair to me? Nope, the exact opposite. Life was unfair. That was clear-cut. There was no reason to believe laws were just. It's come up in my mind, do my parents know that I think of the guardianship as a hostage situation from day 1? If I had told them that from day 1, and every single day after, would it have ever registered with them that that was my firm opinion and not just the "mental illness talking?" I never agreed with the guardianship. I knew that was irrelevant. There is some notion in society, that with guardianships, the victim of the guardianship agrees it is necessary, no matter what they say. "No, you don't understand, Rachel. This is a GUARDIANSHIP. YOU KNOW IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! YOU KNOW IT! YOU KNOW IT!" It doesn't matter what I say, under the laws of the United States, I agree by default. It came up at one point, then why didn't you get angry? My rights were taken away, pardon my French, but dumbass. You don't get angry when you are declared a second class citizen. You shut down and withdraw. My words meant nothing. And as Subbie says, that was when I stopped loving both of them. The day they got the guardianship was the day I stopped loving them. I knew it was an injustice, however I didn't get IRATE because it was unfair. There was clearly nothing I could do, and clearly, this was something about the way the world worked that throwing a fit wouldn't help. Like slavery, this was just some problem with society that hadn't been straightened out yet. This was the world for you. The world is unfair. And more than anything, I didn't even want to think about the guardianship. Out of sight, out of mind. Redirect and refocus my attention onto something else. I lost and I had no power in this situation. It comes up, if my parents, with the guardianship, have done nothing but hurt me with it, than why didn't I contact the authorities or make a fuss? Well, for one, there was never a moment when they stopped helping, because there was never any time they were helping. FROM DAY ONE, THE GUARDIANSHIP WAS FOR MY PARENTS, AND ABOUT MY PARENTS, AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BENEFIT MY PARENTS, NOT ME. What did they say about it? "It's just a legal thing, it makes our lives easier." And they are assuming here that I am a fucking moron, that I don't think a "legal thing" is significant. They think legal thing to me means paperwork. It simplifies paperwork. I could be horribly insulted by that, however instead I lose respect for both of their intelligence. There is no reason at all to have such a disgusting opinion of me, that you don't think I know that a "legal thing" doesn't mean some meaningless detail regarding paperwork. What did they say about that? "If you go to the hospital, we can get information about it, even if you refuse to sign consent for that." You know, if I don't sign consent, maybe it's for a good reason. The underlying traumatic issue here, God help their sanity, it the infamous ER incident, where they didn't know for two long horrible weeks that I had been sent to the ER in college because of alcohol poisoning. Poor babies. That was so horrific and hard. My mom tells me, "parenting lasts for you/your son/daughter's entire life." No, wench, it lasts 18 years. Technically, that's all. You and your disgusting worldview, Bev, that you think the right thing to do is immediately secure a guardianship if your son/daughter gets diagnosed with a mental illness. I wouldn't do that in a MILLION FUCKING YEARS, I would never in my life secure a fucking guardianship over my child, God help us all. My mom whines and mopes about being underappreciated. No, wench, you are actually OVERAPPRECIATED. You get what you give Beev, and right now, Feether Meeke is bending over backwards to support you and agree with every thing you think, say, or do... Because he has shut down in his marriage and doesn't feel comfortable arguing, ever. If one day, you decided you wanted to kill Kristen, Feether Meeke would tell you you are correct and justified. He doesn't feel comfortable arguing with you, ever. This is a situation that has come to my attention, not all that long ago. Yes, and I worry about saying this here, because I worry about a backlash. What does that mean in my situation? I have a tyrannical mother who controls my life, and a father who supports my mother and will never support me, inanely repeating and supporting things she says/does. On my birthday, my mother pissed off both her daughters in one fall swoop, and then whined about how underappreciated she was. Oh, give me a break, Beev. She called my sister and demanded she make lasagna for my birthday, which was a tremendous hassle for her, and when I got over there and found out, I imagined eating lasagna and it made me want to throw up. Sometimes I like lasagna, but I am pregnant, and my food tastes are weird. I'm usually very agreeable, but for the love of God, to I have to gag and throw up on my special birthday dinner. More than anything, this is a cause for concern over her sanity, NOT A NEW THING. Not a fucking new thing. She has said before she thinks she is losing her mind, and I wondered why she didn't go to the hospital herself. Of course, in this situation, I excuse stupid comments from both my parents. In this situations, I refer to them as "distress noises" and don't throw a fit when I hear asinine comments. There are several examples that come to mind readily, like my dad trying to guilt-trip me that he spent all his money on me, when every fucking time I was on the phone with them at Innercept I told me to pull me from the program, for the love of Jesus, and not waste their money on this expensive living situation. The other one I wanted to point out, I said I am 100% sure it is mysticism and not mental illness, my dad said "Wow that's open-minded!" I excused this comment. You dork. Do you think I haven't considered at length that it could be a mental illness? Anyway... I don't want to rehash that long struggle, but if I truly thought it was a mental illness, I wouldn't have a stupid attitude about how it wasn't, I would say that outright. It's not that I'm so fucking afraid of the stigma, newsflash. Whoops... I've been going off on a tangent. What I was trying to point out with the blog post, I didn't think very highly of society and that's why it wasn't some extreme shock that they allow such an injustice as an immediate guardianship. The story I wanted to point out, was this is also a society which encourages the forced drugging of children, with speed. This was the big whammy that broke my trust in society. When I started taking Adderall, it was just a coincidence that it happened to help some unique bizarre Rachel Zuhl mood problem I had at the time (not anymore), where it cured a serious mood problem. For that reason, I wasn't going to scream or shout or make a fuss, or even point this out or say a single word about it, actually. However, regardless or Rachel Zuhl's unique problems... This probably wasn't a drug that should be legal, especially not for children, especially not forcibly, for the love of Jesus. However, here it was, and my mom laughed at people who hesitated to give it to their children, or children who were reluctant to take it due to high potential for addiction. As a side note, there was a situation in elementary school, they were trying Dexedrine on me and my sister was the one who pointed out to me it was seriously addictive, "oh, Kristen!" was the reaction. I was scared out of my mind when my sister told me this, took it because my Mommy gave it to me, but told her right away I hated it. Actually, I didn't even notice the effects, I was just scared. Anyway...