Spiritual Musings on a Chemical World

Saturday, June 23, 2018

What has gone wrong in our country?

Was it too soon for a black president?

This is a fucking annoying question for most people. No we are not racist we have no problem with the color of Obama's skin. But some might say, lack of enthusiasm about an outstanding president led to apathy in the 2016 election.

What I want to know is, did we as a country stop caring about the environment or something? So Donald Trump basically shuts down the EPA, appoints someone who doesn't believe in the department, and they withdraw a bunch of regulations. Do forty-five percent of the country really approve of Donald Trump's job performance? What happened to caring about the environment?

Or did Bernie Sanders garner too much support? Was the Bernie Sanders bandwagon too big, too strong, that when he lost the primary, his supporters flat out failed to get on the Hillary bandwagon? This is what I think.

And, I think there may be some truth that it was too soon for a black president. Obviously, me and everyone I know can handle a black man in the white house. I know that with my friends, for the people who didn't support Obama, it wasn't because he's black. But can I speak for everyone in the country?

The real answer is, I don't know, and I'm not really qualified to make a judgment call either way.

What I know is, I'm concerned about global warming. I'm concerned about a nation that has turned apathetic to environmental issues. And I'm concerned about North Korea.

Now, this is the thing that got me. Donald Trump met with Kim Jung Un, bla bla bla, Kim Jung Un smiled and said he would put a stop to his testing of nuclear weapons. Is anyone buying this? Two seconds later, there are some people in Norway nominating Donald Trump for the Nobel Prize. Now, woah woah woah, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I find it hard to believe that Kim Jung Un is going to stop dealing with nuclear weapons right off the bat like that.

Treatment: A Serious Discussion

The first thing I wanted to get out of the way when discussing treatment, is the question of Adderall. I'm of the opinion that you don't just "go off" Adderall. If your child has grown up taking Adderall, the first thing you need to do in situations regarding impaired functioning is but him or her back on it. In my situation, this would have saved my parents a whole bunch of money because it was because I was off Adderall that they thought I was doing poorly. Not showering, not doing anything worthwhile with my time. A pill of Adderall and a little nudge back in the direction of school and I would have been back on my feet (we would have skipped the Geodon step).

What about situations where parents are having trouble with their kids, and they actually may need treatment? Well, I've heard good things about Wilderness. Every single person I talked to at Innercept about wilderness said it was helpful.

Of course, for the more indoor personality types, throwing your child out in the middle of nature is a step in the wrong direction. I personally would not have wanted to go to wilderness.

For super duper low functioning kids, a place in the ballpark of Innercept but not Innercept might be ideal. Kids with eating disorders benefitted from Innercept, I know that that should have been Innercept's specialty. Speaking from an honest perspective, the best thing about Innercept is the way they feed you. When I was there, I ate enough to lose weight without feeling like I was constantly hungry. They portion out the meals, using proper portion sizes. My only complaint is that there were a couple meals that could use improvement. For example, we could have had spaghetti with meat sauce instead of just noodles and tomato sauce. Also, there was this awful meal called mushroom stroganoff which was canned mushroom soup mixed with sliced mushrooms over a biscuit. For the price of the facility, they could have invested in a little bit higher quality fare. As in, more protein. Whenever I go to the hospital I have this same problem, but it was worse at Innercept. However, they are very willing to accommodate for individual protein needs, so you could probably request higher protein levels if you are on a work out regimen.

The thing I wanted to point out is, the value in a treatment center, in patient, apparently, is it keeps your kids from partying. Now, I'm not talking about young adults with drug issues, because that's a whole different boat. I'm talking about mental illness. It's my opinion that parents and treatment professionals always think you can't handle drugs when you can.

Like in my case. My parents look for a cause of my acting out. They turn to the energy drinks, the alcohol, the marijuana. I can handle all these things, and I speak the truth. I've actually not relapsed like my parents thought I did this year or last year. I was acting out in an attempt to be sent to the hospital, because there was something I was going to do at the hospital that I didn't end up doing. All three times that was the reason. It wasn't the drugs.

I've met patients who say they can handle caffeine and mean they can handle caffeine, but the adults around them say they can't. I trust the patients.

Anyway, where was I going with this? There's no reason to send your kid to a treatment center if their diagnosis is Asperger's. Eating disorders are helped by treatment centers like Innercept, both compulsive overeating and anorexia or bulimia (I kind of secretly appreciated the fact that they lock the refrigerators at Innercept, because I got so bored there I might have resorted to eating out of boredom). Bipolar disorder is not helped by treatment centers like Innercept. I personally did not get any mental illness education at Innercept, not that it would have mattered. Down the list of symptoms: Don't have it, don't have it, don't have it. Can't relate, can't relate, can't relate.

You know, I'm writing this, and I actually don't consider myself qualified to answer this question of what you do with troubled kids. I know that most of my friends at Innercept were too high functioning to be helped by that place.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

My Sister Announces Her Presence

I had a dream that I was lying on my bed, messing around when out of nowhere there was one finger doing things that I wanted it to do, just one finger. I tried to get this finger to masturbate for me but it would not. I was flung across the room by this finger, kept trying to get it to masturbate. The finger became a hand. Then, out of nowhere I was grabbed by this person who was hiding underneath my pillow! The person announced there presence and it was my sister. I was completely calm throughout the process. My sister said she wanted to inform me that she was going to figure out my secret soon. I asked her how. By watching a science show.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Your Suffering Has a Purpose

The reason each and every one of us come to Earth is simple: spiritual growth.

Some say, why is there so much pain? Pretty lousy job, the creator did. In reality, God did not design the Earth to be fun. Each and every one of us grow from the negative experiences we have and flourish in spirit do to the hard times we experience.

I wanted to talk about the Stanley Milgram experiment. This is the experiment where participants were asked to administer an electric shock to a guy who seemed to be having some sort of heart problem as a result of the electric shocks. Some have asked, is this experiment ethical? When participants obeyed authority anyway, and continued to administer electric shocks anyway, it made them question their own internal goodness when they discovered that the entire purpose of the experiment was to test their own willingness to comply despite harming another human being, and the right thing to do would have been to get up and leave.

My spirit guides told me they liked this experiment. Every single one of the participants grew in good as a result of being told, either you have something wrong with you, or you did the right thing.

We don't think complying with the "experiment" in this case should be considered normal behavior, but of course it is common.

What I'm trying to say is, bringing into question someone's inherent goodness, saying hey, that's sociopathic behavior, in a real way, helps peoples' growth and is encouraged.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Drug Use and Altered States: Correlation?

The answer is none at all.

While I was at Innercept, shortly before I was pulled out of the program, I went into an altered state. My parents pulled me out, as Innercept was supposed to prevent this sort of god awful occurrence. In reality, there was nothing Innercept could do.

At home, I was in an altered state, and this had the effect of, in Innercept's eyes, waiving all my rights to privacy. My journal was snatched from my bed side, given to my lousy therapist Lea Schilling and she read the entire thing.

In the journal, I described my struggle taking my dad's ritalin, how I didn't want to do it and how I was proud of myself for not taking any when I came home for Thanksgiving.

Lea Schilling repeated to my mother that I had been taking my dad's ritalin. My mom repeated to me until she was blue in the face her theory: Over Thanksgiving, I stockpiled a whole bunch and when I went back to Innercept, I was taking a whole bunch of my dad's Ritalin and that's why I was in an altered state.

I'm the only one who knows the truth.

The other story here was in January after I was home, I was taking less Adderall than prescribed (30 mg instead of 45) while I was in an altered state because I felt quite stimulated without it, than when my mom hid the Adderall from the counter, it was the same day I was done with the altered state. This was sheerly a coincidence. But my mom laughed and laughed and LAUGHED about it over email with my therapist Lea Schilling. What a funny joke!

I'm the only one who knows the truth.

Are They Real People Or Fake People?

When I was at Innercept, early on, I used to wake up in the evening and talk to my roommate, half asleep, while she was still awake.

One night I woke up and asked her, "Are they real people or fake people?"

Of course, this was because of a dream I was having.

Subbie told me, wow, what an awful nightmare that was!

After a lifetime of talking to fake people in my head with the Adderall, when it comes down to the point where I need real friends to help me through an emotional crisis, I have nothing. I do not have enough real relationships with real people.

In the nightmare, I was walking around a smoggy city, looking for someone to talk to. Everyone I approached disappeared when I spoke to them.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

God Release the Innocent

Rachel stood outside a garden, holding a Jesus pamphlet that a corner preacher man had given her.

"Does he speak truth?" Rachel asked God, referring to the corner preacher man.

"Bits and pieces," God answered, and gave her a nudge. "Enter, this is your garden."

"I have no desire to own the Earth, just like a have no desire to work the soil."

"Well, I do not ask that you work the soil. We have Earth dwellers to do that for you. Enter the garden and I will show you something."

Rachel entered the garden, walked around, and sniffed the flowers. The sun was out and the moon was shining, both at the same time.

"Do you consider yourself worthy of this garden?" God asked Rachel.

"Well, it is very pretty, but I have no desire to own the Earth. This Earth belongs to you, God."

"Well, it is our special place. Yours and mine. And you didn't ask you your question. Do you consider yourself worthy of all that I have bestowed upon you?"

"It came with a price. I passed every test you threw at me. So yes. But I have no money to pay a gardener."

"Riches will come with time. Now sit."

Rachel sat down in the corner of the garden.

"Look at the pamphlet the preacher man gave you."

Rachel looked at the cover. It was titled, "Your Suffering Has a Purpose."

"Rachel, where does suffering come from?"

"From God, and his desire to see you grow."

"Have you grown from your suffering?"

Rachel laughed. "Well yes. But has the homeless man?"

"That's not what I asked. Do you believe all suffering has a purpose?"

"Yes."

"Do you have enough money for bus fare?"

"Yes, barely."

'So let's go."

Rachel left on the next bus, and went on a journey of the mind. She visited far away planets and lost civilizations, ate the food of the gods and puked out the remains of her iniquities. After all was said and done, one question was left in Rachel's mind. Who pays the price when a civilization forgets who they are?