Innercept Doesn't Respect Resident's Privacy

So I learned that keeping a personal journal while staying at Innercept was a mistake. This blog should be titled The Importance of Not Journaling. So apparently while I was gone Innercept found my journal in my room and read it.

So now I have two things to add to my enemy's list. Innercept the company and Lea Schilling, my old therapist, who I never opened up to and now I am glad I never did, who somehow must have thought she had a right to know what was going on with me. If I don't let you in you don't have the right to know.

Lea Schilling, you are now my enemy. You did not have the right to read my journal. I don't give a flying fuck how pure you thought your intentions were.  You did not have the right to read my journal. And because of this I will always hate you.

And I vow that when I become powerful, which will inevitably happen, I will destroy this organization known as Innercept. But for now I am a measly 26-year-old unemployed girl with with a guardianship who lives at home. But that won't last forever. And I will do everything in my power to destroy Innercept. I know this sounds like crazy nonsensical ramblings and it will make everyone laugh. But some day. *shakes fist* Some day.

I didn't write the journal for other people to read. I wrote it for myself. And thanks to you I left Innercept with a really bad taste in my mouth, when I am leaving the Innercept office and Lea says "oh I have one more thing for you" and with a little smile on her face she hands me the journal.

So this is not okay. I do not trust therapists. I do not trust mental health professionals. I am not seeing anymore therapists. I am not talking to anyone against my will. I am not doing shit that I don't want to do. I have a fucking right to privacy and I do not appreciate it being invaded. Lea Schilling, you are a fucking bitch and I am not going to let this go. I am so god damn fucking pissed right now.

Spirits Come Before Truth

So I am going to take some time off from writing my book for some of my spiritual musings.

I am just making this up. It may or may not be true.

In the beginning, there was nothing but consciousness and awareness. There was no physical world. Just a massive being that just was, and knew that it was, and had the power to create. This being is God.

There was no inherent truth. There were no facts. There were no lies. There was no fiction. Nothing but infinite possibilities.

Since the being had the power to create, it made a decision. Because it could do that. It can create ideas. This is a being of creation. The decision it made was to split.

So it split into a bazillion little specks of consciousness. And this is the only truth there is. That the massive being split into a bazillion little specks of consciousness. Each speck is a soul. Each speck contains the powers of God.

Each speck by itself is a god. But they are all separate and feel each other's absence. So they create the physical world, to forge a different way to connect.

By themselves, there is no inherent truth. Each soul creates its own truth. But together, they must make agreements to share a reality. There is no physical world in the absence of awareness. Nothing exists in the absence of awareness.

There is no linear time. But things are not static.

The spirits made agreements to share a reality. And concepts were shared. Everything was shared, to bring each other closer, to be separate yet together in the physical realm.

All truth is created by spirits. Spirits create truth.

Separate specks of consciousness unite to make a shared consciousness. They cycle through ideas. Truth isn't important. It is the effect that these ideas have on consciousness.

Philosophy and the Innercept-Scientology Connection

So my whole life issue has turned very philosophical. I'm not sure how much I want to say about it because I try not to reveal too much book information on my blog.

I've realized that even though I have believed things that aren't true, those things I was thinking weren't just random they were important. And that these beliefs help me get from one place to the next.

The problem with this is that part of it involves keeping me detached from reality. So I am scared to do certain things on the internet, like check certain things.

As much as I want to complain about Innercept, their obsession with integral spirituality and the Four Agreements is important.

But I don't recommend Innercept for anyone. And that is why me dating a Scientologist is important. After you're been to Innercept, you'll WANT to become a Scientologist, because of the way they make you POP PRESCRIPTION PILLS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY!!!!

I remember a girl named Julia. They had her on Seroquel and Depakote, even though she didn't have and psychotic disorders or bipolar disorder. She couldn't stay awake because of these unnecessary drugs. So, Innercept was talking about putting her on Adderall! I'm like, FUCK NO!! DON'T PUT JULIA ON ADDERALL!! That's like saying, oh, you can't stay awake. Here's some meth.

I remember the way that punished Sophie by having her sit in a chair and do nothing all day long. The reason that is horrible is because it is dehumanizing. It is making her behave like she is an inanimate object and she doesn't have a soul. I think that's horrible.

If your kids have problems, Innercept is not the answer. Don't send your kids to Innercept.

Worry Warts

So for those who don't already know I have left Innercept and I am back at home in Lake Oswego. I am glad to finally be out after wasting so much of my life there.

I am living at my parent's house right now but I will be moving out into my own apartment. I get annoyed though, because my mom acts like the fact that I am even talking about going and looking at apartments means I am too pushy and in too much of a hurry and she gets stressed out. And I talk about   moving to Hillsboro, and she gets mad like that is WAY too far away. She would feel more comfortable if I were closer to home. Hillsboro is not very far away at all. But she talks about me living in Lake Oswego, very close to home. There is no reason why I can't live in Hillsboro. It's like I am supposed to build my life around the fact that my mom has a horrible crippling worrying problem. My mom thinks I am like this delicate fragile person who's going to drop dead at the drop of a hat. There are so many things I could do that according to my mom would be fatal.

So, then we have to do something about my health insurance because I just turned 26. My parents try to put me on their insurance plan to save money, which they think they can do because they still have a guardianship over me. And they think it is so great that the guardianship can save them some money. But there is some paperwork they need my old psychiatrist to fill out first. So they just send it to him and tell him to fill it out without even looking at it. And I hear about this and I know what it is: they want him to testify to the notion that I am still incapacitated and incompetent to make my own decisions. Which isn't true at all, but I imagine this psychiatrist guy going along with it because my parents told him to. Because I don't trust Innercept, he might totally do that. So I'm like, No! Fuck! Don't have him fill that shit out!

Anyway, so then my parents actually look at the paperwork. And they realize that they don't want him to fill this out either, because they realize I am no longer incapacitated. Which surprised me, because I thought they would go along with it anyway to save a few bucks. So basically they admitted that they they really have no grounds to keep a guardianship over me. But you better believe they will keep it as long as they possibly can, because of my mom and her crippling worrying problem. So that my mom has the power to keep me in a little bubble. At least, they will keep it until I no longer express any viewpoints counter to their own, which is never going to happen so that means forever.

So my mom has the horrible crippling worrying problem, and because of it I worry that if I make any waves she is going to freak out and have melt down and drop dead, kind of like she worries that I'm going to do. Because right now I am living at home and not having any problems and doing what she wants me to, and even so she seems consumed by stress. So I am worried that if I do something that she doesn't want me to do, it will kill her and then I will have to deal with the karma. And then in a future life I am going to be a mother with children who stress me out to the point where it kills me.

This is why you never want to incarnate on Earth in the first place. You incarnate once, acquire karmic debts, so you have to incarnate again to pay them off. But in doing so you acquire more that need to be paid off. And it just keeps going on and on like that.

Definitions of God

So I've been writing my book and adding stuff. Lately I have added a few things about God. And this is when I worry that I am going to alienate people who are turned off by the word "God" and don't understand what I mean by it.

I divide the world into three basic groups of people: there are religious people, spiritual people, and atheists. Now some people, like agnostics, might be confused about what group they fall into. I don't really know it depends on the person. Some people might not fall into one of these categories neatly.

Religious people are people who have a religion and believe that their religion is correct and other religions are not. These are the kind of people who believe that you have to accept Jesus as your savior in order to be saved, and otherwise you are going to hell. But someone doesn't have to be Christian to fall into this category, they can be Muslim or Jewish or whatever, and strictly believe their religion and that all other religions are wrong.

Spiritual people have a more all-encompassing view of spirituality. This is the category that I fall under. I believe that a lot of religions contain a piece of the truth. Spiritual people believe there is more to existence than the physical, that there is a spiritual realm. People can be a part of this category even if they identify as being part of a particular religion, if they believe that their religion isn't the only correct one. These people usually believe in God, but people who identify as atheists could be a part of this group if they don't believe in God but they believe in other spiritual things.

When I talk about atheists I am only talking about a certain type of atheists. These people believe strictly in the physical world and that no spiritual realm exists. They don't believe in a soul, and they usually only believe in things that are based on science.

So the view I am trying to promote with this book is the spiritual view. So, it doesn't really matter if I alienate atheists that fit my definition. The thing is, I talk about God in my book. I kind of worry about this, because a lot of people who are spiritual seem freaked out by the word God. I don't mean a god who expects you to worship him and will damn you to hell for all eternity.

When I talk about God, I am not sure if I mean an incredibly powerful, massive individual spirit, like the father in the Trinity in Christianity. Or if I mean just a powerful benevolent spiritual force, like something akin to the Holy Ghost in the Trinity. It could be either one. I'm not sure which one it is.

I just worry that people will think that when I talk about God I am being religious. When I'm not really being religious, I am being spiritual. The way I see it, religions are spirituality. But spirituality is not a religion. Religions are a part of spirituality, and spirituality is something bigger and more all-encompassing.

I was just thinking about this because I mentioned something about God to my sister, or maybe just God came up for some reason, and my sister acted like people who believe in God are complete weirdos. The thing is, my sister is very spiritual, and I think she actually does believe in something that I would call God. But she doesn't call it that, because to her people who believe in God are goody two-shoe weirdos who are very sheltered and hate sex.

Mystery is Fun

So sometimes I think about life. And I think about the fact that there is so much I don't understand about the spiritual state of life, and the nature of life, and the nature of existence, and the nature of spirit. On top of that, there are a lot of things I don't know about myself. About my own spirit, and my own past lives, and why my current life is the way it is.

But what I figure is, it happened on purpose this way. That us spiritual beings incarnate as physical beings, and there is so much we don't understand. And as physical beings, we don't understand why we are here or what we even are. And some people think that there is nothing to life beyond the physical. And that existence ends at death. And that we only get one life, and that is it. And that they don't have a spirit. All they have is a mind, consisting of electrical impulses and chemicals.

But we are spiritual in nature. And we don't know about the nature and history of our own souls, or of existence itself. And it is this way on purpose. Because, quite simply, mystery is fun.

For some people, some people such as myself, they embark on a journey. And sometimes, secrets are revealed. These moments are amazing. But if you knew the truth all along, you would never experience this amazing moment. You always knew everything and so any particular fact is no big deal. That's why when we incarnate as physical beings, we enter into a state of ignorance. Because mystery is fun.

So I wonder if as spiritual beings, who can exist in many different states, in many different spiritual dimensions. I wonder if in one of these states, we do know everything there is to know. Like God. But as humans, not only do we not know very much, I think we are also incapable of knowing the nature of the universe. Because I doubt there is an explanation for the universe and all of existence that someone could explain to me, and that wouldn't result in more questions. And even if they did have answers for these questions, the answers would create more questions. And this would go on endlessly. This is because of the way we think and what makes sense to us. Our ability to understand is limited.

Also, maybe, ignorance aids spiritual growth.