What a Shit Show!

What a boy! I said to him.

What a girl! he said to me.

We kissed and held hands. Then, we died inside, thinking of all the things we could do to each other and not get caught in this place.

I looked around the barn. It was empty except for a hay pile. I went to the hay pile and sat down. While we were making out, a barn owl decided to throw up on my face.  I screamed and ran down the barn and ran through the door.

He followed me. "Josephine!" he yelled.

I screamed. He was chasing me now. I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do. I ran as fast as I could to get away from him. At last, I reached a clearing.

I screamed. There was a massive object in the center. It was an icosahedron. I stared at the bright colors and whirling energy around it. Matthew came up behind me.

Josephine? What is this?!

I don't know.

Let's take it for a spin, shall we?

We both got inside and decided to enter the space mobile. As we entered the space mobile, time slowed down and stopped. We decided to make out here.

What's going on? Matthew said.

I have a problem with my mind! I screamed as loud as I could.

Suddenly, we decided to make out again! And again! And again!

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

I DON'T KNOW!!! I screamed and made out with Matthew over and over again.

We ran out of saliva and decided to call it quits. I was sitting back, trying to catch my breath when I caught Matthew giving me a funny look.

What are you doing? I asked him.

Making out with you with my mind.

AHHHHH!!!!! I screamed. DON'T DO THAT!!!

Suddenly, the icosahedron started spinning. We decided it was too much and wanted off, but there was no way out! We were trapped!!!

What a day! I screamed and gave him a blow job.

That's what I'm talking about! He yelled at the top of his lungs.

I stopped and the semen disintegrated in my mouth from the unusual barometric pressure. Suddenly, there was a flash and we were outside the icosahedron in a field with animals all around, both completely naked.

I'm worried, I told Matthew.

I'm not! he yelled.

We danced a dance of whimsy without making a sound in our minds, and then my parents found us alone and helpless. We got in the car and left, they gave us both a blanket to sit under and we were told a story of my little sister's dance recital. Afterward, we got out of the car and ate food at a diner before throwing up in the restroom. As we both sat in the same stall of the restroom, throwing up over the same toilet Matthew asked me if I was happy. I told him no. I will never be happy again.

And we never were.

When Food Stops Coming In

Go eat a sandwich, daughter, Beev told Rachel.

But I'm not hungry! Rachel screamed.

But you look hungry, my dear little bird, she said back in a tone of mopiness.

Rachel looked in the mirror. She looked healthy. Her body was devoid of nutrients, and her subconscious mind was unhappy. But consciously, she was elated to see how skinny she looked.

In the mirror, she did a dance. She liked to dance. She wanted to be a stripper, dancing on stage for money.

She went in the bedroom and started playing with her hair. She looked at the ragged split ends. She wanted to cut them off. She went and found scissors. It took a long time to find scissors while holding the split end. When she cut them off, she felt unhappy. This situation made her unhappy. No one notices split ends. She didn't notice them unless she looked. But she looked and saw them and needed to cut them off.

This went on for hours. After awhile, she started to feel less happy. The happy feeling in her mind was wearing off. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked at her eyes. They looked unhappy and bleak. She felt unhappy and bleak. The Adderall was wearing off.

She went downstairs for a coffee drink to make herself feel better. When she got downstairs, she was confronted with a situation. There were people gathered there talking amongst themselves.

Rachel was wearing a short shirt and jeans that fit badly. She looked kind of skeletal in a fashionable way. She stared at the crowd of people.

Rachel, this is your new team of doctors. We are going to get you healthy again, her mom said to her. Rachel noticed her mom had tears in her eyes.

Beev, I'm fine! I could eat if I wanted to but I don't want to!

That's what they all say. Rachel, you're anorexic. This pains me so much to see my favorite daughter anorexic. But you are. And we are getting you the help you need.

Rachel was whisked away to the doctor's where she was probed with needles. Afterwards, the men in coats took her to a ward in the hospital. There were men there who were very skinny, and women too. Rachel did not fit right in. They had hair issues and body odor issues. Rachel did not.

Rachel was screaming on the inside. She was screaming, Where is my good friend Adderall? That would make this okay!

No Adderall anymore. Said a physician there. This is the ward for eating disorders. Only food.

Rachel screamed out loud. She was stuck in this place! What horror! She didn't care about eating, she had no negative connotations with food. But without Adderall, she would want to eat more and be unhappy because her mind wasn't flooded with endorphins.

She was lead in to therapy. A man ran it. He brought in a pizza. He gave everyone a slice and told them to take a bite.

Anorexics shivered and chewed and swallowed. Rachel did too. She liked pizza. When she was done with the slice, she asked for another one. They gave her two more. She ate them both.

Anorexics looked at her and shook their heads. We don't know what they were thinking.

After she was done eating they told her to wait for a sermon. She was told about the benefits of eating. She liked hearing things about the benefits of eating because the Adderall hadn't worn off yet. She felt happy thinking her body was happy from the food. She sighed with pleasure.

After they were done, they had to do an assignment. Write a story about what food does to your mind. It could be a fun story or a serious story. Rachel wrote about eating food while on Adderall. It usually makes you unhappy, not always. Usually you don't want to eat and feel kind of gross.

After she wrote the story, she decided to get some coffee. She walked to the nurse's station and grabbed a cup of joe. When she sipped deeply, she drank more. She wanted to drink more than anyone else in the ward. She wanted to be the best coffee drinker anywhere.

Gold star Rachel. Gold star.

When Icky People Fall in Love with People of Icky Descent

So what if I like him?! The girl screamed.

He's icky! Little Betty replied.

No he's not! Debi remarked viciously. She was mad. She liked Roy, but Roy didn't like her in that way. He just wanted someone to push him on the swings.

Why don't you go make out with Roy if he is so good looking! Betty yelled without making any sense to herself.

The truth was, Betty liked Roy too. When Roy looked at her, she melted with butterflies zinging her intestines. When she looked at Roy and he didn't look back, Betty was happy to stare at his brown eyes.

The two girls went home that night yelling at each other and making a fuss. When Betty got to school the next morning, Roy was there too.

Roy? Little Betty asked sheepishly.

What? Roy snarled with mean intentions. He thought Betty ate boogers when no one was looking. He thought that was gross to be 8 and still eat boogers. The two of them did not like each other. Why was she saying this to him?

I think I need to tell you something. Debi has a crush on you. She likes you in a weird way. I think that's disgusting. I thought you should do something mean to her to let her know you hate her.

Roy blushed. He blushed hard. This was the best thing ever. Debi was pretty for a young girl, and had lots of elated looks on her face from eating french fries in public sitting rooms.

I don't like her though! Roy screamed.

I know! Do tell her! She needs to know it's not going to happen between you two!

I will!

When Roy was sitting across the table from Debi, he looked at her face. It was dirty from eating chocolate. He told her a quite alarming tale. This was the tale.

I saw Batman eat a sandwich once. He was angry. When he ate it, the sandwich didn't get eaten, it disintegrated in his mouth and it looked like your face!

Debi smiled and wept on the inside.

Well? Roy asked. Do you eat sandwiches like Batman or not?

NO!!! Debi yelled.

I knew you were a bad girl, that's why I brought you another pair of scissors. The school stud boy Martin said to Debi.

What? She looked at Martin and was baffled. The boy was a mischief maker. Many a young girl fell in love. But Debi didn't. She looked down and he wasn't carrying any scissors.

I like you Debi. Will you have fun with me? Martin asked with a smile.

NO!!!! she screamed.

Whatever. Said Roy. He was mad. Do you need a frown removal device? She's not interested!

No way, said Martin. She is too young for me anyway. I found a girl in the sixth grade who gives many kisses at night!

No way! Said Roy.

Okay, Okay, okay. Debi told herself. Get lost, Martin! She screamed.

Martin left without a second sound. He was above rejection. He went outside and put a tack on his friends bike tire and left school to make out with a friend. On the way he fell down and started crying. There was a passerby who noticed and brought him to his home. When he got back to school the next day. Debi and Roy were looking at each other but not talking. They liked to look at each other but not talk.

Well? Martin asked Roy. Why don't you kiss her already?

NO!!! Roy yelled. EWWWW!!!

No way, Martin. Debi said. This guy needs great man hands to maneuver around your big ass!

No way you just said a no no word!!! Teacher! Teacher!

Debi looked back at Roy. She was staring with intense focus. Roy looked startled at her intense focus. When their eyes locked, they became entangled and a random spurt of empathy poured out and they understood each other.

I like you, Roy. Debi said.

I like you too, Debi. Roy screamed silently.

What?

I like you! He tried to yell, but instead just made a funny noise.

That's it! You're out of the classroom, Debi! The teacher yelled at her for using a no no word.

Debi left crying. The next day, Roy was eating a sandwich and she asked him for permission to eat part of it. He gave her the rest.

I like you, Debi. Roy said.

When Ritalin fails, Men Fall to their Knees with Pained Arthritis

What are you looking at? The hobo asked.

You. The man sneered.

What do you want? A fight? The hobo asked.

Not that. Your mind.

They stared deeply into each other's eyes. The hobo has just cracked a zinger. The joke was about two women who were molested, eating their own minds out with food. The zinger was impressively artistic for a hobo.

The hobo looked funny on the surface, but he had a heart of gold. His name was Melvin. He loved to eat food when it was time to eat, and not when it was not time to eat. He had to eat a lot to make up for being so hungry in the mind for fuel.

How about a piece of cheese? The man asked the hobo.

The hobo licked his lips hungrily. "That's happy."

What do you mean, that's happy? He asked the hobo.

I think cheese is a happy food. Like watermelon. Or pizza. Or cheesecake.

The man looked down the hobo's nose. What a mess. He smelled like urine and feces combined with robitusson, for he looked like he had been snorting a few lines of coke too.

What a mess, the man said. How about a bath???

The hobo perked up. He had been looking for a place to take a bath for over a month.

Well? The man said.

A shower. The hobo pierces his mouth with useless words to thank the man, but the man didn't care. He liked the hobo.

The hobo showered and sat down for a game of backgammon. After they tied three times, the man realized the wits were matched. He decided to play a game.

How many women do you want to have sex with at the same time? The man asked the hobo.

The hobo screeched and then stopped looking happy. Zero. He said sheepishly.

Why? The man asked madly. You're not one of those types, are you?

No! The hobo yelled without making a sound. He didn't want to admit he was a homosexual.

Well? The man said. Do you like men?

No, I like women. I just hate women at the same time so I don't want to sleep with any!

What?! The man screamed.

I don't like women. I'm a heterosexual in a male's body confounded by funny things that make me hate women, thus rendering me homosexual.

I hate men who love men, said the man.

I love men who hate men who love men, said the hobo.

What?! The man screamed.

I love you. The hobo screamed back.

No! OUT! The man yelled.

I have something for you first, the hobo said.

What is it? The man asked with curiosity.

A pretty lady in my back yard.

What? You have no backyard!

I do not, but I have a pretty lady for you.

The man watched his face. It bled with withered ugliness. He stared at his long nose, his mouth with cold sores, and pretty eyes. He looked like a darn funny guy to be messing around with a pretty lady in his pocket.

I know, you want a woman. Said the hobo. But you can't find yourself a woman so you came to me. I will tell you how to get women. It involves looking at yourself from a different perspective. Do you like to get laid? He asked the man.

Yes. but ain't no talking to a gay man about it!

I know, I'm gay. Get over it already. My wife is at home and she needs sex from a stranger. She sent me to find one. Do you want her?

The man smiled. Yes. I don't care what she looks like. She must have big looking boobs though.

I know. She has great massive hooters.

What else?

She is cute on the face, no wrinkles, pretty on the eyes, and ugly on the inside. She is mean and cowardly.

That ain't no problem! The man said.

I will find you a piece of her ass but first you need to do something for me.

What's that?

Tell me I'm ugly and mean it!

Why?!

Because I don't like any jibber jabber about how you think my face looks rugged.

I know, I know! You are hideous! Man, you are ugly as hell!

That's a good story, but do you mean it?

Yes, I mean it! I think you look awful!

Then here you go.  Here is my lady.

He took the man to his bunker in the middle of a industrial district. The women there were very hideous all around. They looked bad all over. The man got upset by the ugliness of the women and decided to have a cigarette. When they made it to the bunker, the woman was sitting in the middle of a bath tub all the way naked.

This is my daughter. Have your way with her.

This is your daughter? The man asked with shock.

Yes. In my wild days, I enjoyed the company of women. I found peace with this young daughter of mine back in the days when she found no hope with her mother. Her mother is a methhead like you.

I hate methheads! The woman screamed! Don't bring me a fucking methhead!

It's okay, sugar pie. I brought you an intellectual methhead. No ticks at all!

NO!! She screamed and made a fist. I hate methheads so much!

I know, I know. But this meth head will help you function like a lady.

Why do you think that is necessary? You are a man of great madness in the mind too! I like people who enjoy your company, if they are clean in the area of drugs!

Oh come off it, Sugar pie. You don't know how to function either without ritalin.

That's okay! I know what you are saying and it's wrong! I hate meth with a serious passion and it takes me two years of my life to understand why you still take me to the doctor to be prescribed ritalin!

You need it for your mother's sake! She made you a drug addict!

Why do you need me to take ritalin? It's awful! I hate the ticks! I hate the random mind problems it makes! I hate it! And I hate this man here! What is he doing? How much does he need that cigarette he is smoking?

That man is your new husband. That is all.

The Picture Looked Funny From A Distance But as You Get Closer It Disappears!

What a day! Randalph exclaimed.

Why? Rachel asked.

What's up with you, Rachel? Why are you acting so strange?

Who? Rachel said again. She looked down at her feet and giggled. Who?

Rachel, have you been in the CS again?

No, not at all! I ate little, drank more cough syrup, and pretended my life was over, over and over again. When I got to the end of that exercise, I gave up hope of life ever getting any better.

Rachel! That sounds like suicide talk! Do I need to tell Ingrid?

NO WAY! Rachel screamed. She liked the way he looked. He looked solid, like you could take a bite out of his arm and not pierce the skin at all. A word that described him was solid and voluptuously youthful. She wanted him now, but cough syrup prevents orgasms.

No way, Rachel! I know suicide talk! That's what I call a cry for help! Cough syrup, he said with a sneer. Rachel, I am disappointed in you. I thought I could trust you not to drink the CS again!

But I needed to escape the harsh realities of program life! Why don't you understand! I can't hear you anymore! The thoughts have started again!

Rachel, you're not going to start philosophizing again! You know that leads to existentialism!

I know not what you say, but I think your mind is made up of something called plasma. When two dots collide, neurons, they fire rapidly and cohesively to create that thought you're having. I think your thoughts intermingle with my thoughts, we could have a conversation. Would you? Would you have a conversation?

AHHHH!!! NO!!! CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

Rachel was surprised. Cough syrup generally didn't bring out philosophy in her. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was small and skinny from running and cough syrup afterwards. Her words tasted like food. She tasted them before they left her mouth. She felt like a food, like a sorbet. She smelled her hair and smelled enlightenment. Her time was coming.

She left the bathroom and walked outside the door. She looked at her mind in the mirror again and dazzled herself with what came out of it. Dots. She loved dots.

What a boy! Said Randalph's admirer Chelsea. She looked at Rachel and smiled. Hi Rachel!

That's not you! That's what I call a mischief making grin!

What's going on?

Trying to dazzle you!

That's not right. Have you been hitting the CS again Rachel?

Not really, no! However, I like the way you look in those pants, they bring out your mind.

Stop it, you are high! Why are you coming on to me?

Rachel giggled. No! I'm not coming on to you! I am just complimenting your features!

Spirit friends Collapse on Brethren's Door to Comfort Needy Babies With Sandwiches

So you think you can remove negativity from your mind. Can you?

That is a good question. I know. You can not, without the help of this special spirit aid. When you take the aid each week, it helps engulf the mind in satiety hormones. When the hormones engulf your mind each week, you stop thinking and making sense of your surroundings. After a while, you become flippant and give in to peer pressure.

What does peer pressure bring in terms of well-being? Hormones don't suffice to occupy the brain when we could be going for wild rides in the cars of passerby! Does that sound like fun?

Eat the bird sandwich, Rachel. It is time to refuel your brain for integration. This is a message from your prefrontal cortex telling you integration is taking place and your brain needs fuel.

After a hearty meal, she went to Mac's deli for a cool refreshing energy drink to ward off dark night of the soul. After she made her way, she listened to a song by the Beatles and listened hard. When she was done listening, she made her way back to the house to refuel her body's hormone count.

What are you doing, Rachel? Have you made way again with my toothbrush?

Yes, dear mum, yes. After we dally for a little while on the john, I will sing you another song and dance another dance of whimsy! Then, you will pass out and remove your brain's pretentious desires to have women of character leading lives of cat loving pretentious living!

Another thing, dear mum. I love you ever so much. I love you so much it hurts! Will you listen to a song and dance tonight while a hum a dilly on your toothbrush?

My mother was taken aback by excitement. Where did you get such a thing? She asked. I told her, the bottom of the sanity basket for ideas of reckoning with ghosts!

GHOSTS!!! AHHHHH!!! She fled.

I always knew she was a coward, so I sat on the john and hummed while plucking out my pubic hairs with her toothbrush. After I had finished, she waltzed right back in without knocking!

Are you serious? I screeched. I screeched through my lower intestinal sac and it burst. I was rushed to the appendix removal room where they told me my liver was broke.

I sat on the operation table and hummed while it was removed. Afterward, I died inside on the table and God spoke to me.

Rachel! RACHEL!!!!

God, stop it! Don't be weird! We are already friends!

I know, just being a doofus!

I like you, God.

I like you too, Rachel. Now, it's time for a predicament. To you really want to go back to your parent's house?

NO!!!!

Then live a different life, dipshit!

I can't!!!!

Okay, fine. I will do something to your brain to prevent it from going flip flop for awhile. This will not hurt at all.

God poked fun at me for my belly flab while he operated. I giggled.

What are you doing now? I thought you were done!

I'm just making way with this appendix operation team!

AHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!!

You are flipping them out! Stop it God! That's my life you're talking about!

OOHHH!!! AHHHH!! OOOHHH!!!

God, quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Stop it, you're killing me!

I can only kill you once and you're with me!!!

Flatline.

You made it!!!

Spirit friends abound Rachel as she approached the pearly white gates.

The Worst Emotions In Existence!

Today we are going to take some time out of the day to discuss a dark topic. Bad emotions.

What are bad emotions? We know bad emotions. They happen all the time. But what about inhumane emotions? Do they happen all the time? In the large scheme of things, yes. But not to you.

Let's discuss some of the major categories of fowl emotions. One of them is the feeling of being dissected alive by a mean person. This evokes a strong feeling of horror in the person who is being dissected. This is an awful, awful emotion and is not felt by animals at all! Not at all! But humans feel it, especially in the concentration camps in Europe. This feeling went all through out the camps all the time, the feeling of horror.

Another fowl emotion is the feeling of ingesting a fowl substance, like gasoline. This is a fowl emotion indeed. It makes you feel grody and gross and horrible in a way that nothing else does. Why does this emotion happen? To alert you not to eat this substance! This feeling is awful and is inhumane, meaning spirits don't thing anyone should ever feel this way. However, they do.

Why do they feel this way ever? Because it helps with some soul's spiritual growth! When some souls feel fowl emotions such as these, they grow in a way no one else can help because they are growing! These are tough growth souls. They think in retrospect that they should not have eaten that, but enjoy the growth that comes from it!

Another on of the horrible emotions is the feeling of misery that comes with a blood bath! This is a horrible emotion indeed! When does it happen? Lots of times! Usually at war, people will engage in combat and feel the wrath of strangers as their bullets pierce their skin! This is how weird emotions intermingle with the feeling of horror that comes from being part of an awful situation induced by death! Being face to face with death evokes awful emotions that don't come out at any other time. That's why, I enjoy not knowing how bad Earth dynamics intermingle with the soul growth spectrum to understand that this means life or death to the soul growth continuum! Woohoo!

Another irksome emotion is fear. This is an awful emotion when drowned in excess. When we have nightmares, we become engulfed by fear. When we wake up, we turn on the lights so we can see properly! Not at all? Not at all? No, not at all!

What a girl! This is the last one! The worst one is pain. Some weirdos think pain isn't that big of a deal, but I say, you have never been burned to death! What a situation of horror! The pain is unbearable, and your pain level is through the roof! Why is such an irksome emotion in existence? To enhance spiritual growth! There are tough growth souls who thrive in a spiritual fashion by going through lots and lots of pain! That's why they get burned to death lifetime after lifetime!

That's it. That's all. That's it.