Why Would I Consider Suicide If It Were So Clear-Cut?

Why? Sometimes, I'm not thinking clearly. Reasoning about matter such as life, "Rules of the world say if this happens, this is what it means." If there is a miracle brain situation where your brain works in a new way that defies logic, it must be paranormal, yes. Clearly it's paranormal, yes. Sometimes I might not be sleeping well, and... I don't know what is supposed to happen. Humans say, "PLAN!" I'm not allowed to plan all that much, and that drives me MAD. What's going to happpen? Well that's great that you had your brain rewired Rachel but this is going down the tube, this situation... And you start wondering, why would (lots of situations fit) happen if I were on a mission? Why would I be drinking at a bar most days? And then sometimes, you're not sleeping... And then you can't think clearly, and sometimes you almost say FUCK IT, I'll just leave behind a book series and they can think about the precious brain situation... And sometimes, the brain situation becomes boring. Yes, boring. Except... Well, yeah Subbie said something there... But I almost forget how weird it is, it's normal now. And I have to remind myself of the poignant parts. And even then... Mental breakdown could be eminent... I stand alone, the only other human who confirmed my reasoning called me mentally ill... Sleep, sleep, sleep it off. I would not become suicidal again now, let me tell you.